Asten Villa fans, and many other Angleterics, up and down the country are clocking off early from work as time counts down towards this evening’s UEFA final between Villa and Inquistan outfit St Dominico City Saints.
Villa’s road to the final has predominantly comprised 1-0 victories, defeating Chelsea Sandford and Yellownak Yellow Birds by a single strike in the group stage, and knocking out Mertz St Germain by the same margin in the quarter finals. A 2-1 victory in a rematch with Chelsea Sandford in the semi finals fired the Villans into the grand finale, with a Luc Nilis brace vanquishing the Davishirian side. Villa have only lost a single match in the tournament, a surprise 1-0 defeat in the group stage to Australian side Adelaide United, a result which manager Ron Atkinson called ‘disappointing’ and ‘a wake-up call’. Considering the Villa’s strong performances since, the wake-up call has clearly worked.
At a press conference earlier today, Atkinson was keen to paint St Dominico as the favourites, citing their home advantage and their strong performances thus far in the tournament. ‘Obviously we’re up against the home side, so to speak, and they’ve won every match so far, and they’re very high scorers too. So we’re certainly not going into this expecting an easy match.’ When asked if he thought Villa were the underdog, Atkinson responded that ‘of course we’re not the favourites; but I wouldn’t go that far. Just because St Dominico have won every match so far doesn’t make them unbeatable. Killstock took them to a draw in 90 minutes in their semi, and I think we’re capable of going one better. All the lads know this won’t be a cakewalk, but they’re all hungry to win and deliver for the fans.’
Sam Courtenay, the Prime Minister, and a fan of Fishborough Athletic, has wished the Villa team ‘the best of luck in the final’ in a Tweet, adding that ‘the whole nation is behind’ the Villans. Prominent Villa fans, including former Prime Ministers Navdeep Khatkar and Monty Catt, and Mayor of New Birmingham Apache Indian, have also wished the team well in a video message; while bizarre granny-and-grandson singing duo The Octave Twinkling Twosome have released a hastily-recorded song celebrating the club reaching the final.
After the comments made by John Oliver about the music tastes of His Imperial Majesty Emperor Artabanos, the well-loved Singer Rinus delegated the Inimician EuroVoice group out of the Aalenic venue in relative silence, not paying attention to the scoffles and shouts.
Billie and Verka returned to the stage. "Thank you, Europe, for voting in this Eurovoice contest," said Billie. "We've loved every minute, and we hope you have too."
Billie continued: "Now, to announce the results of Eurovoice XXVII, please put your hands together for a very special man..."
Verka added: "Найгірший Прем'єр комісар в історії..."
"A true European legend..."
"анти-канабіс егоїстичний засранець..."
"The man who makes it all possible..."
"Вони повинні повернути Стоксейліус..."
Montfort rose onto the stage amidst blinding lights and the X Factor judges' music, using the same contraption that had brought Billie on to the stage at the start of the show. To rapturous applause, he nodded to the hosts and stepped forward, waving about a golden envelope. He lifted up his arm to calm the crowd, and they quietened down. A sole female voice cried out "I WANT YOU, PETER MONTFORT!"
"Thank you Billie. Verka. Hello, Europe! Or should I say, Cepry Hej, Europe?"
"It's been a great pleasure to organise the results of the first Eurovoice of this Noviy God. What great entries we've had! Let's have a round of applause for all our entries!"
The audience obliged
"All eleven of you, no matter where you come tonight, even if your position in the standings is a real Tragedy, just Know The Sun Will Shine, and Scare Away The Dark. You're all Heroes this evening! But, of course, there's only one trophy here, and only one entry can Come And Get It. Everyone else will just have to Let It Go, even if it leaves them in Stitches. Will the next EV be a game of Saint Regina Whispers? Or will we be playing Ex's And Oh's back here in Halsberg in two months' time? Demet Akalin."
"So, without further ado, the winner of Eurovoice XXVII is..."
Montfort painstakingly opens the envelope
"With 82 points, Shawn Mendes - Stitches, from Aalen! Congratulations to Aalen, a first-time EV winner!"
"On the screen behind me and in your TV screens at home should be the full results."
"So, as ever, I'd like to finish by congratulating Shawn and all the other entries, and to thank them, and our wonderful hosts in Halsberg, and all the other broadcasters, and everyone who made this event possible. I wish you all a Happy Easter, and I hope to see you all again in Aalen in May! To sing us out with his winning song, Stitches, here's Shawn Mendes! Goodnight, Europe!"
IBC would like to congradulate Verka Serduchka on her victory. The winning song will no doubt be a hit across all of Europe on New Years'. We look forward to the contest in Halsberg.
Furthermore, we would like to congratulate Mr. Montfort on completing his first competition as EV Director. Timing for this contest was strained, and the amount of entered countries (many of which were debuting) and gaffes were high, nervermind the tremendously close and controversial results - and it all somehow came together and rather smoothly. Thanks for pulling this all off!
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