The title of State is grand Duke/Duchess and the head of government is President.
Your grand duke and president are the same person?
Members of the European Commission
@Invercargill Accepted, but please provide your national language and the title of your head of government (Prime Minister, &c.). You should now be able to post.
@Ostlanderia Accepted, but please provide the title of your head of state and government. You should now be able to post.
@Sorlyset Red Croatia appears to have returned to the region and has been active here recently, so I'm going to have to ask you to select a different plot. Please also provide the titles of your heads of state and government.
AP: But first, let's go to Inquista. Hello, St Dominico! The most successful country in EuroVoice history; let's have your votes!
JG: Thank you, Inquista! And also thank you to the IBC in Inquista, who helped verify tonight's results in co-ordination with Sirion TV and the EUBC.
AP: Yes, thanks very much.
JG: But now, let's go from St Dominico to Saint Regina, for the Nicoleizian votes! Hello, Icholasen! Can we have the results of your vote, please?
AP: Thanks, Saint Regina! Now that; that narrows the gap. Ten points in it - but now, we're going to Derecta, to get their votes. Hello, Dikaioma! Can we please have the results of the Derectan votes?
Kacey Musgraves jumps up from her seat in the green room in celebration as the audience cheer. Kacey and the delegation from Icholasen share a group hug
AP: That settles it! The winner of EuroVoice 34 is Icholasen! They hosted EuroVoice 32, and it looks like we'll be back there for EuroVoice 35! Congratulations to Kacey Musgraves!
JG: Yes, congratulations Kacey. But first, let's get the final votes of the evening to round things off - it's Red Croatia. Hello, Zadar! Will you do the honour of completing the votes for EuroVoice 34?
The crowd go ballistic at the 12 for Angleter
AP: Thank you Zadar, especially for that 12 there - very good choice! And I suppose also thank you Dikaioma - very rude of us, we forgot to thank them amidst all that there.
JG: Hmmm. So with the final votes in, let's take a look at the scoreboard:
AP: Interesting to see Inquista there with a late surge into second place, but not enough to take home the trophy.
JG: And here's a full spreadsheet scoreboard of how every country voted tonight:
JG: Look at all those 12s. Tonight definitely belongs to Kacey Musgraves and Icholasen!
AP: That's right. And I'm afraid that tonight has now come to an end.
JG: We've had a wonderful time hosting you all here in Halibon, haven't we, Alan?
AP: Absolutely bloody fantastic!
JG: And we are here for EuroVoice 35 in Icholasen this summer! But to sing us out, here's the one and only winner of EuroVoice 34, Kacey Musgraves!
JG: But for everyone else, it's all to play for.
AP: And who better to break the deadlock than Sildavia? Hello, Kronstadt! Let's see your votes for EuroVoice 34.
The crowd cheer at 10 points for Angleter
JG: Thank you, Sildavia! And I think our wonderful audience here in Halibon enjoyed that too! That has certainly broken the deadlock, but Derecta still very much in the hunt there. Now, let's go to our good neighbours, the Duxburian Union! Hello, Dairghazbury! Please give us your votes!
AP: Preferably in the Latin alphabet and with Arabic numerals.
AP: Thank you! Now we're staying in southern Europe as we call up Galilaus! Buonasera, Pisa! Can we have your EuroVoice 34 votes, por favor?
JG: Per favore.
AP: That's what I said.
AP: Grazie! That good enough for you, Jennie?
AP: And I think it's another 'grazie' from Mari Carmen Mulet! It really does look as though Icholasen and Sildavia are mopping up all, er, all but one, of the 12 points tonight!
Mari Carmen Mulet dabs and flosses in the green room
JG: But now, let's talk to one of our good friends, Ruth Duggan, who's literally just outside with over 100,000 massive EuroVoice fans in the St George Park, Halibon! Hello, Ruth! Electric atmosphere out there!
RD: Absolutely, Jennie. There's people from Halibon, all over Angleter, all over Europe here, and it's a real party! You should come out and join us, it's so much better out here!
AP (narrowing his eyes): Hmmmmmm. Not sure about that. But Ruth, it sounds like there's a real party going on behind you.
RD: Well, not quite, Alan. I think the real partying will begin if Ofra Haza takes home the trophy and keeps EuroVoice in Angleter for another year.
AP: They're very hopeful out there, I'm sure,
RD: Ah, not really; it looks like it's not our time, this time. But so many great entries, it's no skin off anybody's nose.
AP: But you'd say the audience are enjoying themselves.
RD: I'd say that's a bit of an understatement, Alan.
JG: Ruth, can we get the votes from Angleter, please?
RD: Definitely. Here they are, Jennie:
JG: Thank you so much, Ruth! Sounds like you're all enjoying yourselves out there!
RD: You couldn't have put it better, Jennie.
JG: Now, with eight entries in, the contest is drawing to a close. So let's see who's on course for EuroVoice glory.
AP: Still close at the top there, but it's looking more and more like a two horse race. Kacey Musgraves and Amber Mark, battling it out for Music Queen of Europe. Just seven points separating them, and four countries still to vote.
JG: Including Icholasen and Derecta themselves!
AP: Yes, so our first results are coming from Spain! Hello, Antequera! Or should I say 'hola'? Who will be riding 'la venda' to victory? Let's find out.
JG: Thank you, Spain! 12 points for Sildavia!
Mari Carmen Mulet punches the air and yells "GET IN" in the green room
JG: Now, we're going to Germany! Guten Morgen Freiheit... Guten Abend Berlin!
AP (muttering): That's 'good evening Berlin'.
JG: Can we have your results, please?
AP: Danke schön, Deutschland! Thank you, Germany. Very no-nonsense people. Now, let's get those precious votes from, er, Marrakechia. Hello, Marrakech! Get your votes out for the lads!
JG: Wow, two 12 points in a row for Icholasen! Is Kacey Musgraves running away with the EuroVoice trophy tonight?
Kacey Musgraves and the Icholasen delegation are celebrating in the green room
JG: Let's see what the viewers thought in Trinita and the Kor.
AP (interjecting): Do they get one vote or two?
AP: You know, one set of votes for Trinita, one set of votes for the Kor, haha.
JG (laughing weakly): Heh, no. Anyway, bonsoir, Port de Trinita! Can we have the results of your votes, please?
AP: Well, good for Icholasen that they don't have two votes!
JG: Indeed. Now, with four out of twelve countries having voted, let's see who's at the top of the leaderboard.
JG: Well, it could not get tighter than that!
AP: I should actually explain here that according to EuroVoice rules, when there's a tie, the higher place goes to the entry with the highest individual vote, so there Icholasen is ahead because they've got more 12s at the moment.
JG: But just one set of votes could change everything.
AP: Not for Great Central Range, it couldn't.
JG: Thank you, George. You're the most recent EuroVoice winner – what did you make of tonight's entries?
GE: I thought they were all really good. It's been a great show, and it’s so difficult to pick a winner.
AP: You have, of course, tasted both victory and defeat in EuroVoice before – what’s that like?
GE: Well it’s never great to not be the winner, but everyone who’s performed tonight has done themselves and their country proud – and if I can come back and win, then so can they!
JG: Thanks, George. Now, we’d like to welcome a very special person on stage.
AP: The true Angleteric hero of EuroVoice.
JG: Councillor, Commissioner, TV host, and legendary vote counter…
AP and JG: PETER MONTFORT!
Montfort walks on stage to ecstatic cheering
PM: Thank you Alan, thank you Jennie. Can I just say what great hosts you have been?
AP: Thanks, Peter!
PM (to crowd): Halibon and Angleter should be proud of having put on such a great show tonight, do you not agree?
The crowd cheers again
JG: Peter, can you confirm that the vote counting process is complete, and that we are ready to go?
PM: Absolutely! We-
AP: So let’s get on with the votes! Let’s first go to Wakefield, and get the results from Great Central Range. Hello, Great Central Range!
Silence, one half of the split screen is blank
AP: Hello, Great Central Range!
AP: Hello? Hello? Great Central Range, please give us your votes!
AP (in an awkward sing-songy voice): Give us your bloody votes, Wakefield.
AP: Range? Range? Hello, Range? HELLO, GREAT CENTRAL RANGE?
JG: Alan, th-
AP: RAAAAAAAANGE? RAAAAAAAANGE?
JG: Alan, I’m afraid that Great Central Range will not be providing us with results this evening.
AP: …Oh, right.
JG: This means that, unfortunately, Metallica are disqualified from EuroVoice 34 and will receive zero points.
Camera switches to an angry-looking Metallica storming out of the green room
JG: Any votes for Great Central Range from the other countries have been expunged, and all entries given scores below them moved up.
AP: So if Great Central Range got 12 points from a country, then the country that would’ve got 10 will now get 12, and so on all the way down.
JG: That’s correct, Alan. Now, let’s get those results!
The crowd applauds and cheers Kate Bush
JG: Thank you, Kate, that was beautiful. What did you think of our entries tonight?
KB: Well, first of all, can I just say how wonderful it is to have EuroVoice back in Angleter!
The crowd cheers loudly
KB: And I thought we had a great range of music. So many genres, so many different voices, different styles, different themes – it’s just so representative of what a diverse region we’ve got. Every country is different and bring its own thing to EuroVoice, and that’s what makes this a great contest.
AP: Couldn’t have put it better myself. Thanks, Kate.
JG: Now, if you haven’t voted yet, then hurry because you have just got 15 seconds left to vote.
AP: That’s right, we’ll be closing the polls in no more than…
AP and JG: Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one…
AP (at the same time): Voting is over!
JG: Voting is over!
Two seconds of silence
AP: Er, that’s right, voting is over. We’ll now be counting the votes all over Europe as we find out who you have chosen to be the winner of EuroVoice 34.
JG: And who will be hosting EuroVoice 35. I don’t know about you, Alan, but I’m quite sad about the idea of letting it go.
AP: But we have had back-to-back winners before. In fact, both Os Corelia and Inquista have won while hosting EuroVoice – so there’s still a good chance for our very own Ofra Haza.
Some audience members whoop and cheer
JG: That would be something. You wait years for a EuroVoice victory, then two come along at once! Now, Alan, you’ve been reading all about Angleter’s EuroVoice history – tell us about the road from EV 4 in New Birmingham, to EV 34 in Halibon.
AP: Gladly. It’s time for another ALAN ATTACK.
AP: When I’m asked ‘how far is New Birmingham to Halibon’, the answer I always give these days is ‘thirty EuroVoices’. Then I give them the actual directions. But it’s still true that Angleter went seven years without a EuroVoice victory. I asked Sir Pete Waterman, who wrote many of Angleter’s entries during that period, why that was.
SPW: They weren’t appreciated but they were perfectly good songs! Who are you to disagree with Sir Pete Waterman? Come on! Tell me!
AP: Seeking a second opinion, I asked Europe’s Got Talent veteran and Mayor of New Birmingham Apache Indian what happened to Angleteric music between 2011 and 2018.
AI: After Angleter won EV 4, a sort of disillusionment set in. People just couldn’t see why Europe didn’t vote for something as inspired and unique and memorable as Everybody by Tanel Padar and Dave Benton. So Angleter started entering more unusual songs.
AP: A low point came when Sebastien Tellier came last out of 15 entries in EuroVoice 11, with just 13 points for his song, Divine. I asked him what went wrong.
ST: I thought the song had everything. Bearded female backing singers, check. Golf buggy, check. Wind machine, check. A ball of helium to suck before the second verse, check. The four basic components of a great pop song, I thought, but there’s no accounting for taste.
AP: And what was it like to finish last?
ST: It wasn’t great, but I still enjoyed the experience. I’ve no regrets because EuroVoice is just such a magical, extraordinary event. It was great to be part of it. Also, I’ve heard that worse happens to unsuccessful entries from other countries, like Icholasen. Nasty stuff there, I’m told.
AP: These crazed conspiratorial ramblings aside, things didn’t get better for Angleter after Sebastien. Despite the talents of Cher Lloyd, Vincent Pastore, and even One Pound Fish Man, Angleter just couldn't find that EuroVoice-winning sound. The country skipped several EVs, even missing every single EuroVoice that Newfoundland entered. It was only with Vennu Mallesh in EuroVoice 24 that the tide began to turn.
AI: That was the real turning point. The first time Angleter was in the top three since EV 9. The song was so unique, it captured the hearts of millions of people all over Europe. Angleter finally, as a nation, cracked the sound it had been going for for years. And there’s a pretty direct line from there to George Ezra.
AP: Angleter is well and truly back on the European music scene today, with high scores almost every time. But true EuroVoice fans across this country will never forget that time, before Vennu, when things were so, so different.
Fade to black; back to arena
JG: Hmmm, yes. And now here’s the man who, on his second attempt, ended seven years of hurt for the Angleteric people. The man who’s the reason why we’re all here tonight. With his new song, Pretty Shining People, it’s none other than…
AP: George Ezra!
JG (a split second later): George Ezra!
The theme music plays over clips of Halibon, past EuroVoice winners, and parts of the EuroVoice title card, before the full title card comes into view.
The camera pans across the New Berea Arena and focusses on the stage, as Alan Partridge and Jennie Gresham enter from either side and meet in the centre.
AP: Hello and welcome to Halibon! I’m Alan Partridge…
JG: …And I’m Jennie Gresham. We’re so glad you could join us for EuroVoice 34!
AP: Europe’s best song contest. A lot of people think it’s Europe’s only song contest, but that’s actually not true. Until 2011 we also had a contest called Eurovision, and the final version of that was due to be held in a country called Borvosky, but it just never happened. Quite strange.
JG: …Right. But unlike that, and unlike the Tour of Angleter 2009, this event must, I’m afraid, have an ending.
AP: But don’t worry, there’s plenty to come before that! And what better way to start the evening than to sit back in your armchair, kick off your slippers, and pour yourself a big glass… of Vennu Mallesh.
JG: That’s right. Throughout this evening, we’re going to be showcasing Angleter’s proudest Eurovoice moments, the music and drama that led us here to Halibon tonight. So here, with his iconic song, It’s My Life What Ever I Wanna Do…
The crowd cheer
AP and JG: It’s Vennu Mallesh!
Alan and Jennie return to the stage and join Vennu.
AP: Well, Vennu, I’ve got one question for you… what the Hell do you think of yourself?!
VM: Er… I’m sorry… what?
AP: What the Hell do you think of yourself?
VM: I’m not following you.
AP: It’s a, it’s, er, it’s a reference to the song, never mind.
JG: Vennu, as a EuroVoice veteran, what advice would you give to the thirteen talented acts singing tonight?
VM: Well, it’s their song, whatever they want to sing.
AP (under his breath): Unbelievable.
JG: Thanks, Vennu. Alan.
AP (walking across stage): Thanks, Jennie. Now, we have got a baker’s dozen for you tonight. Thirteen nations, thirteen acts, thirteen songs. Unlucky for some, but very lucky indeed for the one act who will be crowned winner of EuroVoice 34. And who decides? Jennie?
JG (pointing directly at the camera): You decide! So let’s get on with the show!
JG: An amazing selection of songs, I’m sure you’ll agree.
AP: And with all thirteen songs now complete, I, Alan Partridge, can now declare voting… OPEN! Information about how to vote is on screen now.
JG: One of the acts you’ve just watched perform will, by the end of the evening, be joining 33 other legends of European music as a EuroVoice winner. But they won’t be the only winner performing tonight.
AP: That’s right. We’ve actually got THREE EuroVoice winners performing tonight. Our winner tonight; the man who brought EuroVoice back to Angleter in EuroVoice 33, George Ezra; and Angleter’s first ever EuroVoice winner, Kate Bush, who won EuroVoice 4 way back in 2011!
The crowd cheers
JG: But first, Alan’s done a little investigation into EuroVoice history, haven’t you, Alan?
AP (walking across stage): That’s right. You might think EuroVoice is just a fun event, but I’ve delved deep into the dark heart of Europe’s biggest song contest. I’m talking lost votes. Fake votes. Viante Stockseylius. People not taking EuroVoice entirely seriously. This is: ALAN ATTACK, with me, Alan Partridge.
VT plays grainy footage of Bruce Springsteen performing Ain’t Good Enough For You
AP: This is Bruce Springsteen. The first Angleteric entry in EuroVoice history. It’s Hanover, in a different Germany, in 2010. The official record states that he came fourth, which isn’t that great, when there are only seven entries. But new evidence suggests that something went badly wrong with the counting. I spoke to EuroVoice expert Sir Pete Waterman to find out more.
SPW: Well, if you look at the results here, what do you see?
AP: Marrakechia 33, Os Corelia 31, Brecon 29, Angleter 28, GDR 22, North Inquista 21.
SPW: And what’s wrong with that?
AP: There’s a North Inquista now?
SPW: No Alan, count the number of entries.
AP: One two three four five six. Six?
SPW: Exactly. But seven artists performed that night.
AP: This turned out to be true. A country called Monogolia entered a song called Herrik Shaw by Kepa Junkera. The main YouTube video of his performance has been taken down, but you can still find it elsewhere. But Sir Pete can stir the pot even thicker,
SPW: Now if you look at the votes, you find that Monogolia voted. And so did Marrakechia, Brecon, Angleter, GDR, and North Inquista. That’s it.
AP: Six again!
SPW: That’s right. Brecon is missing. And if you look at how close the votes are, that could’ve made all the difference.
AP: So Bruce Springsteen could have been the true winner of EuroVoice 1?
SPW: In theory, but we have no way of kno-
AP: This was truly disturbing information. How had this happened? Had Bruce Springsteen been conspiratised out of a EuroVoice trophy he deserved? I spoke to EuroVoice supremo Peter Montfort to hold him to account.
PM: …was five years before I took over at EuroVoice, so I don’t know why you’re asking me these questions.
AP: So you’re denying that you rigged EuroVoice 1?
PM: Look, Alan. This is the very first EuroVoice, before it even came under the jurisdiction of the EUBC, let alone me. Of course I didn’t do anything. And I don’t know what happened. The whole thing was organised by 2MTV.
AP: Who’s that?
PM: The Marrakechian national broadcaster.
AP: EuroVoice, it turns out, was the brainchild of this Marrakechian broadcaster. Alongside Moulay Ismail and the Sahrawi Union, it’s actually one of Marrakechia’s greatest contributions to the EU. Some people have speculated that it’s no coincidence that the EuroVoice run by Marrakechia with the massive counting irregularities was, according to those faulty scores, won by Marrakechia. But the truth is, we’ll never truly know. The chances of Bruce Springsteen getting the closure he deserves remain as far away as ever.
Fade to black; back to the arena
JG: An intriguing story, Alan. But whether or not Bruce Springsteen was unjustly denied a EuroVoice trophy, Angleter didn’t have to wait long for its heartache to end.
AP: And all because of the talent of one remarkable woman. Back tonight, with her new song, And Dream of Sheep, it’s the one, the only, Kate Bush!