These are Inquista’s meticulous and comprehensive rankings of all aspects of the EU. These rankings are based on facts, and are both undeniable and irrefutable. These rankings have been backed-up by quantitative and qualitative data analysis, peer-review, and intense, week-long focus grouping. God himself delivered these rankings to the Inquistan Archbishops of old and new. Wait… Inquista? No – no, call me Inqueezus.
The EU’s Top 10 Biggest Icons
This is a comprehensive list of the EU’s top 10 biggest icons. When you think of the EU's biggest icons, you don’t think of the Kligenbergs – you think of these. As always, this ranking has been backed-up by quantitative and qualitative data analysis, peer-review, and intense, week-long focus grouping.
10. Prime Minister Dmitri Lathon
Comrade Dmitri Lathon was elected as the Prime Minister of Unfreedomia with 105% of the vote. That moment when you're such a legend that 105% of your electorate loves you. I heard he polled at 126% among single Unfreedomian women. See, that's how you win elections, Theresa May.
9. Emperor Geert van Tongelen
Emperor Geert van Tongelen brought reality TV to a whole new level when he executed his entire government cabinet on live TV. Despite this, Emperor van Tongelen's status as an icon was short-lived as he then proceeded to commit suicide.
8. Jeff Speller
Jeff Speller just about killed the Inimican Emperor using a lethal bar of soap. It was a nearly perfect plot, until he was caught and then executed. Execution didn't stop this soap assassin, as he then later came back to life as a zombie.
7. Lord Exquisite
This Europe's Got Talent performer jumped from the entertainment spotlight to a mental asylum. Naturally, you have to have mental problems if you think hosting EuroVoice competitions is a fun thing to do - which is exactly what Lord Exquiste went on to do. The performer, turned convict, turned mental asylum inmate, turned host then became an ambassador, and continues to serve in this capacity. Good thing he has diplomatic immunity.
6. David Cameron
What's better than winning with 105% of the vote? How about winning the vote in multiple countries simultaneously. David Cameron managed to leverage himself to the position of Prime Minister of both the UK and of Davishire at the same time, while also serving as the ambassador of multiple different European countries as well. What a high achiever!
5. Antinax Aureliana
Antinax Aureliana was the Melania Trump before there was a Melania Trump. She is best known for copying Queen Aleksandra of Red Croatia word-for-word, and also then proceeding to follow Queen Aleksandara like a puppy around social events. Aureliana also managed to be ranked #1 as the most annoying person ever in a Nicoleizian poll.
4. The Duchess of Saint Pierre
Speaking of social events, this would-be-Queen thought she stole the Nicoleizian crown by murdering the Nicoleizian King. Despite this, the King wasn't really dead and he faked it all along. Luckily for the Duchess, she managed to escape the sticky situtation by boarding a helicopter and smashed through the window of a cathedral. She would of gotten away with it if it wasn't for those meddling kids.
3. Commissioner Marie Rivas
YAAAS QUEEEN. This much-loved and well-known straight up ICON is the star of every Commission she has ever served on, and is thought to be the greatest Commissioner ever.
2. The Callaghacopter
The Callaghacopter manages to keep the Duxburian army in check with its state-of-the-art weaponry capabilities. This literal killing machine even managed to frighten the daylights out of the Davishirian military. Easily the most revered piece of European weaponry.
1. King Charly
This living God is the EU's most recognizable icon and is best known for being the biggest lad in the European Union. Despite being 17 years old, this playa' snagged a model for a wife and spawned a bunch of good-looking heirs that are just about as old as the man himself. Get in!
The EU’s Top 10 Biggest Villains
This is a comprehensive list of the EU’s biggest villains. When you think of the darkest, most evil aspects of the EU, you don’t think of all the terrorist attacks or Belgian beheadings – you think of these. As always, this ranking has been backed-up by quantitative and qualitative data analysis, peer-review, and intense, week-long focus grouping.
10. The European Biological, Chemical and Nuclear Weapons Authority (EBCNWA)
This evil, no-good institution sent the European Union into a frenzy when it restricted the use and production of nuclear weapons. The EBCNWA became so quickly despised by nuclear-armed states, that it was then immediately repealed and dismantled upon its creation. Anyone that voted for it was later deemed jealous and selfish. Furthermore, its name was so long that it caused nothing but cruelty to European Councillors.
9. John Oliver
This maniacal madman turned one of Europe's most prized musical competitions into a literal slaughter house that resulted in a death of young teenage girl. Miraculously, this morbid TV show host managed to become the speaker of the European Council, but was later impeached due to his wicked ways.
8. Prince Tommy
This relentless pest has succeeded in embarrassing the Nicoleizian royal family in virtually every social event in which he has attended. Prince Tommy is best known for screaming and threatening acts of violence against those whom he dislikes.
7. President Julia Glorius
This dark and evil head of state was so villainous that an anti-corruption agency had to sack her of her presidential position (and of her life).
6. The 1st Eurovoice competition
This song contest may have been the first of one of the EU's biggest events, but it was unfortunately rigged and resulted in Marrakechia winning despite having less points. The scandal was somehow hidden for years until a journalist from Gun-Toting Animals exposed the notorious event for what it was.
5. Moulay Ismail
This untrustworthy man is notorious for his spineless attitude towards politics, his political disloyalty, and his annoying, fake smirk. There was once a time and place where Moulay Ismail would of been considered the EU's biggest villain, but his image has recovered with time (don't buy it!).
4. Lucinda Bareham
Lucinda Bareham became one of the EU's biggest villains by making many uncomfortable sexual passes towards her Council colleagues. Her sexual advances went so far that a terrorist group had to abduct her in order to silence her succubus sexcraft. Unfortunately, her abduction resulted in further discomfort, as she then proceeded to rape the much beloved Sir Eric Pickles.
3. Kaasian Refugees
These greedy freeloaders had the audacity to believe that they could go wherever they wanted, and for some reason, attacked Pravoslaviya. When the refugee attacks were heroically retaliated against, these pathetic pieces of slime then had the nerve to feign as victims. Those little devils!
2. Paloma Faith
Paloma Faith is ruthless and cutthroat, and will stop at nothing to eradicate her enemies. Paloma Faith rules the ever-so shady Ministry of Eurovoice with a bloodied iron first, and she regularly has to bury bodies. Every Nicoleizian musical artist fears her... and so they should.
1. Peter Montfort
Never since the snake appearing in the garden of Eden has an incarnation of Satan been so obvious. Peter Montfort has easily made himself to be the EU's biggest villain, which should come as no surprise, as he is infamous for regularly rigging Eurovoice competitions and for never getting results on time. #SackMontfort
The EU’s Top 10 Biggest Sex Symbols
This is a comprehensive list of the EU’s top 10 biggest sex symbols. When you think of the hottest Europeans out there, you don’t think of Occoronian ambassadors – you think of these. As always, this ranking has been backed-up by quantitative and qualitative data analysis, peer-review, and intense, week-long focus grouping.
10. James Hartington
James Hartington should just name himself James Heartington (not like his fans can spell his name right anyway), because this hottie captured the hearts of Europeans everywhere during the 2015 Derectan general election debate, which resulted in hoards of fans to take to twitter to crush on their dreamboy. Please show us your rocket, James.
9. Brandon Devoy
Everybody likes a man of mystery. Too bad he plays hard to get.
8. Sir Eric Pickles
While this may seem like a joke, Sir Eric Pickles proved himself to be sex idol in his own right, as the seductress Cinders herself couldn't lay her her eyes off him.
7. Vennu Mallesh
Vennu Mallesh is a very good bad boy. Here in Europe, we like very good bad boys.
6. Owain Davies
Speaking of a bad boy. If looks could kill, then Owain Davies would, well, still have a high body count.
5. Councillor Darth Khan
With a stunning bod and a sculpted face, this heartthrob makes you want to be force chocked.
4. Doc Mustard
Anyone who knows Doc Mustard knows he is a fan of the c***oris. This hottie has women clinging to him around the clock and it definitely shows - have you seen some of his music videos? He scores all the 10's. RIP, you sex machine.
3. Commissioner Susan Callaghan
Susan Callaghan is as hunky as they come, with his built body and strong physique. Definitely the strongest Commissioner we have ever seen. If only we could take a ride on his helicopter.
2. Vennu Mallesh's Sister
The only woman to make this list, this sexy femme fatale is the hottest body to ever appear on Eurovoice. Don't lie, you probably have a poster of her in your room too.
1. Maloulay Piszckoszi
With the luscious locks of Maleeka Liszckoszi, the stunning face of Moulay Ismail, and the hot body of Eric Pickles, this sexbot is quite literally designed to be perfect... and our eyes agree. This piece of meat is far the biggest sex idol in the European Union, which leaves the rest of us wondering how we'll get a piece of this action?
THE EU’S TOP 10 MOST SHOCKING ASSASSINATIONS/ASSASSINATION ATTEMPTS
This is a comprehensive list of the EU’s top 10 most SHOCKING assassinations. Or, well... assassination attempts. When you think of the most shocking murders that have happened in the EU, you don’t think of the assassination attempt of someone important like Acwellan Devoy – you think of these. As always, this ranking has been backed-up by quantitative and qualitative data analysis, peer-review, and intense, week-long focus grouping.
10. The Assassination of Julia Glorious
Already ranked as one of the biggest villains of the EU, President Julia Glorious’ assassination lives on as one of the most epic movements of much deserved karma. Once Pax Aurea’s corrupt president was finally deposed, everyone in Europe was left thinking, ‘Finally! She really had that coming.’
9. The Assassination of François Beaufort
Mr. François Beaufort was a justice of the ECoJ who was run over by a car whilst exiting a hotel. The motive? Gallambria was looking to take Pravoslaviya to the EU’s top court. You can never trust Pravoslaviya. The case has never been settled and lives on as a mystery.
8. The Assassination of Doc Mustard
The assassination of a much-beloved EuroVoice contestant is naturally very tragic. Doc’s death, however, was particularly shocking, and the Ministry of EuroVoice’s fingerprints on the events has left everyone in fear.
7. Queen Aleksandra Assassinating the Red Carpet with THAT Dress
We were all slain – although the red carpet was a particular victim - when Queen Aleksandra of Red Croatia walked the red carpet in her yellow dress.
6. The Assassination of Archbishop Chad Donwick
By far the most important assassination that happened on December 25, 2012. Also, it's the assassination that is by far the most important assassination of a former Inquistan Archbishop. Alexander Kligenberg who? Nope, nobody knows him. Everyone was shocked, however, when Archbishop Donwick was killed. Two out of three Inquistan archbishops have been killed, and one is left to go.
5. EuroVoice XVI Assassinating Beyonce's Musical Career
Why on Earth would Europe’s most beloved and successful musical artist degrade herself so badly that she would be willing to enter EuroVoice… never mind do it twice? First competing for Os Corelia, Beyonce managed to win the EuroVoice title, but then decided to come back for seconds as a representative for Occoron, where she did absolutely terrible.
4. Councillor Pickles Attempting to Assassinate Cannabis Legislation with 23 Amendments
Never has a pill been as poisonous as it was with a record-breaking 23 amendments. Could trying to kill legislation ever be less obvious? The assassination attempt failed.
3. The Assassination Attempt on Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift died whilst flying over the Teutonic States. Or so we thought. A few weeks later, Taylor Swift re-emerged in a hot-pink body suit. Or so we thought. She then got reconstructive plastic surgery in Inquista. Or so we thought. In reality, Taylor Swift has always been alive… in Pravoslaviya. Or so we thought. The Inquistan investigation into the whole affair continues.
2. The Assassination Attempt on King Nikolai II
King Nikolai II was assassinated by the Duchess of Saint Pierre who was trying to claim the throne for herself. Things turned on their head, however, when it was revealed that the King wasn’t really dead, and that he faked his own death during the assassination attempt. The Duchess would later be caught red-handed in all her schemes. THE DUCHESS THEN FLED THE SCENE BY FLYING HER HELICOPTER THROUGH THE CATHEDRAL WINDOW. Epic.
1. Jeff Speller's Assassination Attempt with a Bar of Soap
By far the most shocking assassination attempt in the EU, ever. Jeff Speller, ever the wisest, attempted to kill the Inimican Emperor with a bar soap. After slipping and falling on soaped-up floors, the Inimican Emperor put Jeff Speller to death for his attempted crime. Jeff Speller later returned to life as a zombie. Soap has now been recognized as a lethal weapon in Inimicus and all European politician view the body-cleaning commodity with suspicion.