Angleter Election 2018: The Final Debate
JB: Good evening. I'm John Bloom, this is Sirion TV, and this is the final leaders' debate, 2018.
[Theme music plays]
Debate hashtag: #SirionDebate
JB: The format for tonight is simple. Each leader will get one minute for their opening and closing statements. They'll also get one minute after each question directed at them. From then on, debate on that question will be 30 seconds each. The leaders can see their time, and when they go over their time, they'll hear a little bell noise. If they go even further over their time, they'll hear a much louder buzz and we'll cut their mic off. So they've got fair warning. Now, to introduce the candidates:
Leader of the Social Democratic Party, MP for Bostra de Sham, and Prime Minister of Angleter since 2015, Sam Courtenay;
Leader of the Democrats and MP for Phepson, Sue Fareham;
Leader of the Citizen Alliance and MP for Edessa North, Emryc Isla;
Co-spokesperson for the Coalition for Socialism and Liberation, and candidate in Tadmoor, Salma Remington;
And finally, Leader of the National Movement Robert Kilroy-Silk Led By Robert Kilroy-Silk, and candidate in Yavur Central, Robert Kilroy-Silk.
I'd like to ask the candidates now to make their opening statements, and we've drawn lots, so we'll start with Sue Fareham. 60 seconds.
SF: Thank you, John. Tonight, you're going to hear a lot of very heated debate about issues that politicians like talking about because they get a minority of people very angry. I'm not here for that. I'm here to speak to you, the majority sitting at home, ordinary citizens who want politics to reflect our Angleteric values. It's about less tax, less regulation, and giving people the freedom they need to make the most of their own God-given talents. The SDP have betrayed those principles these last three years, and none of the other candidates here tonight are offering a remedy to that. So the real choice is, do you want more of that betrayal, or do you want a Democrat government that will bring your values to the corridors of power? Vote Democrat, and together, we'll remind these guys that This Is Angleter.
JB: Thank you. Now, Salma Remington.
SR: Thanks. I'm here to speak to the majority too, but it's the majority that have been let down by Angleter's right-wing establishment, and most cruelly by the SDP, who so many of them trusted in 2015. The workers who've had no minimum wage. The students who are crying out for free education. The Muslims who have to deal with the violence of living in an unapologetic crusader state. The LGBTQ people who have been denied marriage equality and gender recognition. The women who are subject to harassment and then paid less than the men who harass them. The Kaasian refugees who Sam Courtenay locks up in concentration camps because Emryc Isla won't let him touch his precious border. I'm here tonight, sharing a platform with two fascists - or is it four - with a simple message: let's clear them out! The Coalition for Socialism and Liberation brings together the oppressed majority, and together, we can take down the elite, and br-*DING*-ing in a society that is truly just.
JB: Thank you. Sam Courtenay.
SC: Thanks, John. You know, people often ask me what it means to be a Social Democrat, and I tell them this: we believe that the basis of Angleteric society is fundamentally good. We're not radicals or populists. We don't want to clear anything out or tear anything down. But what we do believe is that we need a government that is unafraid to act to make that society the best it can be. More equal, more prosperous, more free. So I'm proud that, in three years of a minority government, we've raised wages for millions of low-paid people, created thousands of jobs, given millions of people more security about their healthcare, and presided over a strong economy. But I am sad that we couldn't do more, and that's why tonight I'm asking you to trust me and the SDP with a majority government, so we can kick this thing into another gear, defend what we've achieved, and make this country work even better for you.
JB: Thank you. Now, Emryc Isla.
EI: Yeah, so, er, first of all, why is Kilroy even on this stage? He's got two seats. He's on, like, 1% in the polls.
[Audience grows restless]
He killed off his stupid vanity project by going off to Europolis and doing nothing for four months and now we're supposed to roll out the red carpet for him? Get real.
[Audience roars with cheers and booing. Kilroy laughs.]
You know, if I wasn't trying to be Prime Ministerial, I'd call him controlled opposition. But who knows? Anyway, you've heard from the three other notable candidates in this race, and I bet you're not that impressed. I know I'm not. They're always asking for something from us. Shouldn't it be the other way round for once? The Citizen Alliance aren't like the others - we're not a party, and we're not politicians. We're people like you, here to serve. Here to put more power into your hands. Here to stand up for Angleteric citizens on a global scale. And here to say NO REFUGEES! You know, it's the one thi-*DING*-ng I hear more than anything else from ordinary people and yet for some reason it's still a debate? See, this is why we, you and me, need to get power back from the elites. It's as simple as tha-*BZZZZT*
[Applause, some cheering. EI shrugs shoulders and mouths "they'll let Kilroy go over. Watch them let Kilroy go over."]
JB: There's one rule for everyone, Emryc. No favourites.
EI (semi-audible): That's ludicrous, I lost several seconds because of Kilroy's groupies in the audi-
[Part of audience boos loudly]
JB: Those are the rules. You knew the rules when you signed up, and now here they are. Now, Robert Kilroy-Silk.
[Part of audience whoops and cheers loudly]
RKS: Wasn't that just so puerile? The fact is, Emryc Isla has to do those stunts because everyone'll find him out as an establishment stooge if he doesn't. He's the one who's imposed three years of Sam Courtenay on you. The two pretend they're at odds for the cameras, but they're actually lovers. Now, I don't know who's on top, but I know the Angleteric people are on the bottom, getting shafted. And as for the women, I mean, one's mad and the other's just bad.
It needs to be said, people. Just like when I founded EFFECTIVE! and said "NUKE THE ECOJ." It worked. It got me into Europolis, and I laid the groundwork for clearing up EU law. So now, I want you to join my National Movement and get me into New Birmingham, so I can clear that place up too. I'm a pragmatic guy, a no-nonsense guy, a man of the centre. And that's what you need if *DING* you want, er, the best. Not some suit who doesn't know reality.
JB: Thank you all very much. We'll be taking our first question presently.
JB: OK, so our questions tonight will come from undecided voters in key constituencies across the country. To start, Justine Stevens in Oldknow, Quareytene.
JS: A lot of the debate and campaigning is about policy, but this is also about personality. I’d like to ask each of the candidates what qualities makes them the right person to be Prime Minister of this country.
JB: There we go. Let’s start with Sam Courtenay.
SC: That’s a very good question, Justine, and I think we’ve just seen why it’s so important that we vote for both the right policies and the right person. Some of the behaviour we’ve just seen isn’t befitting someone who wants the public to entrust them with the country. What I think I bring in particular is the experience of three years as Prime Minister, and the level head that is needed to cope with such a great responsibility. I know what a demanding job this is, and *DING* I’ve got the record to prove I can do the job.
JB: Emryc Isla.
EI: And how’s that gone? Justine, the great thing about all our Citizen Alliance candidates is that we’re ordinary people, just like you. While these guys were climbing the political greasy pole, I was doing my job as a web designer. Now yes, that means I call a spade a spade. If I see something that doesn’t make sense, I call it out, and some people – mostly politicians and journalists – don’t like it. But as far as I’m concerned, that’s what Angleteric politics needs.
JB: I can see you want to come in there, Salma Remington.
SR: Yeah, it’s just ludicrous to say I was climbing some greasy pole. I was a sociology profe-
EI: Oh right, yes, woman of the people, of course!
JB: Please don’t interrupt.
SR: Sociology professor, and I was doing valuable work. I’ve never sought a profit. And maybe, Emryc, when you said ‘guys’ you were ignoring me because I’m a woman? Do you see women, Emryc?
EI: Do I get to defend myself against this, or is that also ‘interruption’?
JB: Yes, but I’m mindful that other people want to come in on what you said. 30 seconds.
EI: I’m sorry, but I’m not going to take lessons on ordinary life from someone whose career involved publicly-funded articles on ‘the feminist potential of Kaasian Sithianism’. That’s just off the wall.
SR: What’s off the wall is you portraying yourself as a man of the people when you have no idea of the struggles of women, of refugees, of LGBTQ people, the genuinely oppressed people of a country that you’re actively making more hostile.
EI: Your life isn’t determined by what categories you’re in. It’s about class, it’s about income, it’s about family, community, and health. Ordinary, hardworking people have had it up to here with well-to-do pols and academics and journos finding some pretext in some category or other to say they’re oppressed. Enough.
SR: You know nothing and it’s not my responsibility to educate you. I’m here to talk to the people, not you. Perhaps when you lose you’ll have time to read some books.
JB: Alright, that’s enough. Robert Kilroy-Silk.
RKS: They’ve both got a point. But I’ve got no time for sociology professors or web designers. We need someone more seri-
SR: A fascist TV show host?
JB: Enough interruptions. Robert Kilroy-Silk, please continue.
RKS: Yes, actually. Someone who made a success in the cut-throat world of broadcasting. Gave a voice to millions. Created a party out of nothing. And then served in the European Commission on a reform ticket. That’s the experience, the brains, and the temperament we need.
SC: But you achieved nothing.
JB: Who hasn’t spoken yet? Sue Fareham. Quickly, please.
[RKS inaudibly remonstrates]
SF: We need a leader who can rise above this wreckage you’re seeing tonight, and I’m the candidate who can do that. I’m not snide. I’m not a point-scorer. I’m a hardworking representative for my constituents in Phepson, and I want to do the same for the whole country. It’s time we had someone with an ounce of tact, who can sit down and get the job done.
JB: Thank you. We now move to our next qu-
[RKS and SR angrily remonstrate]
SR: I didn’t get a chance to answer the question!
JB: You spoke at length, you made your point. These are the rules, and as I’ve said before, you signed up for them.
RKS: Sam Courtenay made a very snide remark about my time in the Commission, which was actually very successful with a very useful audit that my successors have made use of, and I would like 30 seconds to address it.
JB: I think you just did. Now, next question. Look, please be– Salma Remin– Salma Remington, please be quiet so the next person can speak.
SR: I just want to say, since Sirion TV is so obsessed with silencing me, that my answer to the question is on salma.csl.an. That’s salma.csl.an.
JB: Please don’t plug your own websites. The rules specifically say no websites. Now, our next question.
JB: Here's a question from Dominic Cappan, who lives in Zangezur, in the constituency of Nackswan, Fronteria.
DC: What are the candidates going to do to ensure that Angleter, especially Fronteria, doesn't get swamped by migrants, and how are they going to stand up for their policy in Europe?
JB: Salma Remington - you first. 60 seconds.
SR: I don't need 60 seconds to tell someone they're a racist.
How about some humanity? Here's a humane policy. We end the war, stop oppressing the Kaasian people, and then maybe they won't want to flee our bombs so much. But if they still want to come here, who are we to tell them no? So we'll open the borders, and then we'll tell the rest of Europe to do the same.
JB: Next, let's have Sue Fareham.
SF: I'll tell you who we are, Salma. We're the Angleteric people, and we decide who can and cannot come into our country. And we certainly won't take in as so-called 'refugees' people who have a safe haven in our over-funded refugee camps in western DK. And the rest of the EU better be grateful for what we're doing in that area. Stopping an extremist regime from arming itself, and looking after the refugees from that conflict so they don't have to. Perhaps, now here's a crazy idea, Sam Courtenay, perhaps we could appoint a European Councillor - a good one, this time - to tell them that? Repeal the Refugee Protection Act while they're there?
JB: OK, then, let's go to Sam Courtenay.
SC: Well, Dominic, I hope you agree with me that Fronteria hasn't even remotely been 'swamped' with anyone in the last three years. And I intend to keep it that way. But let's inject a little reality into this. The Refugee Protection Act isn't ideal, no, but our position is that it doesn't affect our policy. Nobody's credibly claimed that we're in contravention of it. And we'll stand up for this country in Europe, yes, by appointing a Councillor. Irony is, you know, if we had appointed one then all of these would've screamed to high heaven about us doing so just before an election. Yes, we'll *DING* work to repeal the Refugee Protection Act. But even if we don't manage that, we won't be throwing open the borders.
JB: Robert Kilroy-Silk.
RKS: Three years ago I stood on a platform of Kilroy for Council. If only it had happened. Instead of pushing my, and I believe our, agenda of an EU that does less, more efficiently in the Commission, I could've stood up for this country where successive Democrat and SDP appointees have failed. I've got the record that shows you can trust a Kilroy Government to look out for this country's interests in the region. And as for the Kaasians: zero. No Kaasians.
JB: And finally, Emryc Isla.
EI: This is actually a very important question, Dominic, and it actually horrifies me that you've been called racist for daring to ask it. Now what Sam Courtenay failed to tell you is that the only reason the borders have stayed shut since 2015 is because I told him to. I don't want anyone to doubt that if Sam Courtenay gets a majority, he'll let tens of thousands of Kaasians into this country, and it's not the elites who'll have to bear the burden of that.
We were the first to say Hashtag No Refugees. It's our heart, it's what made us. The Citizen Alliance are the only party you can trust to control our borders. And we won't let Europolis compromise that. We'll appoint a robust Councillor who'll not only get the Refugee *DING* Protection Act repealed, but also make the rest of the EU pay its fair share for the camps in DK.
SC: I'm sorry but the man said 'swamped'. 20,000 is not 'swamping' anything, especially when they're skilled migrants.
EI: It's still too many, Sam, and it ruins the principle of it. When you punch a hole in the dam, you can't expect to be able to just stick a plug in it. The only alternative to mass immigration from Dromund Kaas is the Citizen Alliance and Hashtag No Refugees.
SF: You can't claim ownership of an issue on a hashtag, Emryc. We're against taking in any Kaasian migrants, so is Kilroy, and so are you. It's actually qui-
RKS: Thanks for the shout out, Sue, but does Robert Rice agree with that? A lot of your party, and Sam's, is very very keen on refugees. Almost as keen as Salma!
SF: Robert Rice will do what I tell him.
RKS: I wonder if Robert Rice will agree with that! And more importantly, I wonder if the Angleteric people trust you to keep your radical open borders wing in line.
EI: And if I could add, it's like, for Salma's party-
SR: It's a coalition, not a party.
EI: For Salma's party, and half of the Democrats, and half of the SDP, they actually prefer migrants to citizens. It's what Dragan Trympov goes on about all the time. Ask these people what their passion is, why they're really in politics, it's for the migrants. Never for the citizens. And that's why we have to have a Citizen Alliance.
JB: Alright, I think tha- THAT'S ENOUGH for that section. After the break, we'll discuss the economy, Dromund Kaas, and social issues.
JB: Here's a question from Ahmed Sultan, in Carnite South East.
AS: When it comes down to it, I want a government that'll look out for families like mine. What are the leaders' plans for the economy, and making sure it delivers for Angleteric families?
JB: Let's start with Emryc Isla.
EI: Well, Ahmed, the Citizen Alliance have got three plans.
Plan number one: no more waste. Stop wasting taxpayers' money on pointless wars, refugee camps, 'green' subsidies, and migrant benefits. That gives us more money that we can use on actual priorities.
Plan number two: less tax. Since now we've got the money, let's use it to cut fuel duty, and reduce the taper rate on the negative income tax. Let hardworking families like yours keep more of your hard-earned cash.
Plan number three: less red tape. Many of you watching will be self-employed or in small business and will have to negotiate some ludicrous rules that just make your life more difficult. We'll ask you to propose what red tape we should cut.
That's it. One, two, three. Simple steps to an economy that truly works for ordinary citizens like you, Ahmed.
JB: Sam Courtenay.
SC: You know it's not as simple as that, Emryc. And that's the truth, Ahmed. Some people on this stage are going to try to sell you snake oil. Well, I'm going to try to sell you facts.
For 18 years this country was ruled in the interests of the rich, and we're just three years into a project to redress the balance. Whenever we tried to make the radical changes this country needs, Emryc was there to stop it, because he's about as much a man of the people as the Marquess of Antracht. There's more to do, like introducing a mansion tax that ensures we tax unearned wealth rather than your pay packet. Or introducing a minimum wage, which'll lift up all incomes.
SF: And inflation.
JB: Please, Sue Fareham, you'll get your chance. Sam Courtenay, continue please.
SC: But to achieve this, we need a majority government. And if you can look back at the last three years and say, well, I'm better off now than I was then, then you know the SDP can be trusted to bring prosperity not just to Angleter, but to you and hardworking people like you. And you'll know we can't risk letting the other guys turn back the clock either.
JB: Robert Kilroy-Silk, your turn.
RKS: The system's a bit broken, isn't it? The wrong people keep getting all the money while people like you get ripped off. Well, here's my radical proposal: it's called 'Return The Money Back To The Public'. If we take the money, and give it back to the people, then we might just find we're a bit better off. And how? We create the National Dividend - it's £500 per month for each citizen, coming from the resource royalties.
And the problem is the monetary system. It really is a matter of taking the money and returning it to the people. The central bankers have had their say. Fake money for bankers. No more. *DING* There are alternatives that are more real, more equitable. Crypto! Gold! What about our natural resources? This is the thinking we need if we're to get out of our current predi-*BZZZZZT*
[Semi-audible] AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT MONETARY REFORM ON TV! THEY SHUT YOU UP! THIS IS WHY I GOT CANCELLED! SIRION TV A-
JB: That's enough. You're over time.
RKS: [Semi-audible] SIRION TV ARE FIAT MONEY GANGSTERS. SHUT DOWN SIRION TV!
JB: Salma Remington.
SR: Well, yes, the system's broken, but those are totally the wrong ideas for dealing with it. Ahmed, the CSL are the only option here tonight who'll offer real, positive, lasting change for your family's fortunes. What we offer is, yes, socialism and liberation. We'll expand the SDP's unambitious job-creation scheme, introduce a real living wage and impose a maximum salary on the super-rich, and give you free childcare for your family, and get the wealthiest in our society to pay for all of it. And what's more, we'll make your life easier, because it's never all about money. We'll introduce a maximum 40 hour working week, add five more holidays a year, and make sure that workers are paid double for weekends and overtime.
Sound good? Well, it's possible. It's just the capitalist elites in this country don't want you to have it. Only the CSL will liberate you from the oppressive structures of capitalism. And we'll also implement laws that ban companies from putting forward oppressive messages, so your children can grow up in a world that's truly free and equal, both economically and socially.
JB: Sue Fareham, to finish this round.
SF: I can't believe what I'm hearing.
SR: That good, isn't it?
SF: Too good to be true. And Ahmed, you know it. Because, unlike these guys, ordinary citizens like you have to watch the prices of things, you'll be aware of a little thing called inflation. It's what happens when left-wing governments start giving out National Dividends, cutting the taper rate on the negative income tax, and imposing so-called living wages. When you just give people free money, then all the retailers will just raise prices so they can get as much of that free money as possible.
We need to be smart if we want to revive our economy after three years of SDP stagnation. We need to rediscover our basic Angleteric principles. Less tax, less spending, less regulation. And we need less of this pointless and wasteful government intervention in the economy, because as Democrats, we believe that actually, real businesses know more about creating jobs than civil servants. Ahmed, This Is Angleter, and it's about time our economic policy went back to reflecting that fact.
JB: OK, thank you very much. Now for our next question.
JB: Our next question is from Eunice Sabella, from Harran, in Maien.
ES: My son, Corporal Nicholas Sabella, died fighting for this country in Dromund Kaas in 2013. Five years later, mothers up and down this country are still losing sons and daughters to this pointless war. When will it stop?
JB: Apparently, the only person who hasn’t gone first yet is Robert Kilroy-Silk, so let’s have you.
RKS: I was the only person on this stage to oppose this war back in 2011-
SF: It started in 2012.
RKS: -and I’m the only person who hasn’t changed his mind. The Democrats overreacted to the Kaasians at a time when they could’ve been negotiated with, and Angleteric soldiers have been paying the price ever since. It’s time to do a deal with the Kaasians and pull our troops out, and I’m the only person who can do it.
JB: Sue Fareham? You apparently want to speak?
SF: I want to correct some real nonsense there. Eunice, I am so sorry for your loss, and so grateful for your son’s valiant service. People like Kilroy might not think it meant much, but I know your son died to keep this country safe. Dromund Kaas literally abducted and probably beat the Premier Commissioner, they were rapidly arming themselves, and they were on our border. To say we could’ve just negotia-
RKS: I think I could’ve done a better job that Maleeka Liszckoszi, Sue. Who knows, if I’d been Premier back then, perhaps all the deaths and all the refugees could’ve been avoided.
SF: Is ‘back then’ 2011 or 2012? But the main point is that we are in this for a reason, and we need to build a stable, friendly nation in Dromund Kaas. Just pulling out won’t make this country any safer – the only real option *DING* is to stay in until we win, and that’s why Sam Courtenay’s had to do it.
JB: And let’s hear from him. Sam Courtenay.
SC: Thanks, John. I’d like to pay tribute to Corporal Sabella and all of those brave men and women who’ve laid down their lives for Angleter, especially during my government’s tenure. No, they shouldn’t be dead. We want to get out. And no, we don’t want to stay in forever on a nation-building exercise, like Sue Fareham. But this is a complex situation and we need to have a semblance of safety before we get out.
EI: Sam, are you going to apologise to all the soldiers and their parents who voted for you because you said you’d get the war finished by the end of 2015? Or how about the families of those who died in the 9/9 attacks – 959 people dead, and still no answers? How come, Sam Courtenay?
SC: Well, as I said, it’s a complex situation, and I hope they can at least appreciate why I’ve had to make the decisions I have, even if they’re not-
EI: No apology, then. Got it.
SC: I think that most people, if they were put in the situation I was, and learned what I did when I came into office, then they’d have done the same.
EI: This is an insult.
SF: Can I also add, it’s so ludicrous that you’re admitting you won an election on a promise that you didn’t know enough to make honestly, and then just fought the war half-heartedly for three years. It’s not good enough, Sam.
EI: Oh and Sam, if this all dawned on you after you took office in June 2015 – and that’s not what you told me, by the way – what’s this? This is you, January 2017. It’s in the National Observer. “2017, we can rest assured, is the final year for the regime.”
JB: Sue Fareham, Emryc Isla, that’s enough. Sam Courtenay, 30 seconds to respond, and then we’ll bring in Salma Remington. Go.
SC: That quote referred to winning, not pulling out, Emryc, and you know it.
[EI shakes head and shrugs shoulders in disbelief, mouthing ‘SAME DIFFERENCE’]
When you get down to it, there are three options here. A sudden pullout, like Emryc and Kilroy and probably Salma want. A never-ending nation-building project, like Sue wants. Or the SDP approach, the measured approach, the approach that wants out, but not at the expense of Angleter’s safety.
JB: Salma Remington to finish.
SR: Yeah, so my condolences are for the thousands of innocent Kaasians killed by the Angleteric establishment’s aggression.
The millions of refugees who’ve fled our bombs and our troops, and are now being held in Sam Courtenay’s squalid camps. I’m not going to shed any tears for imperialists.
EI: This is the Angleteric left, people. No apology, no answers, no sympathy. They hate you. They hate their own country and its troops. It’s so vile.
SR: I’d rather hate my own country than hate other countries so much I’ll invade them and put their people in camps. The war needs to end, and our war criminals need to be extradited to DK for prosecution – and that includes Concentration Camp Courtenay.
[Audience gets restless; even louder boos]
SC: This is outrageous. I don’t care how much time I’ve had, I’m responding anyway. Salma Remington, you are not even fit to clean the shoes of the brave men and women, like Corporal Sabella, who put their lives on the line for this country. I will not, will not take these outlandish accusations.
And you know what’s really sad? That diatribe of yours allows people like Emryc Isla to attack the left in general. It brings us all down and that hurts the working people of this country.
And also let’s stop with this crap about concentration camps. Do you think that if we let millions of Kaasians into this country there’d magically be millions of houses and all the infrastructure and public services for them? This is the real world, Salma, and it’s tragic, but I’m actually trying to achieve something here, instead of moralising from the comfort of being like the sixth party or whatever.
JB: OK. Emryc Isla, you’ve spoken enough already, so I- oh, fine, 20 seconds.
EI: I don’t need that, John. All I have to say is Eunice, your son was a patriot and a hero, and it’s a tragedy that his life was cut short because of this divisive, brutal, and pointless war. End the war. Fund the military. That’s all.
JB: That was 16 seconds, well done. Now for our final question.
JB: To finish us off, Michael Cassar, from Arden, in Elkhand.
MC: Should Angleter be a moral country, or a liberal country?
JB: Sue Fareham.
SF: Well, Michael, I think it can be both. Liberalism is a wonderful thing – nobody would want to live in a Communist society that told us exactly how to dress, what food we could eat, and so on. But it has its limits, and I think it’s right that government restricts some things in a moral and public interest.
So I’m proud, for instance, that we’re one of the few countries that still stands up for marriage as a lifelong bond between a man and a woman. That we care for the terminally ill rather than killing them. And I’d like to *DING* see us extend our respect for life to the womb, too.
JB: Salma Remington.
SR: Sue, you can’t hide your authoritarianism behind this myth of ‘economic freedom’. It doesn’t exist. The real liberation in this country will be from religious bigotry, from patriarchy, from homophobia and transphobia, and from the capitalism that relies on these evils.
We in the CSL don’t want a liberal society, we want a liberated society where women’s bodies aren’t policed, where marriage is an option that’s open to all and that couples can end if they so want, and where we don’t have to suffer the violence of hearing bigots speak out against these basic *DING* rights.
JB: Emryc Isla.
EI: Oh, here we go. Salma’s in favour of every freedom except freedom of speech. You know, if you’re watching this tonight, there’s a 99.999% chance you’ve got a viewpoint that Salma would like to see you sacked and preferably jailed for.
The Citizen Alliance is neither a conservative nor a liberal party, and we’re certainly not whatever Salma is. Most of our members, like most Angleterics, are somewhere in the middle. But here’s something radical. We say, if the Angleteric people want to change these things, let’s *DING* vote on it in a referendum! These issues are too important to be left to politicians and judges.
SR: That’s actually disgusting. Putting people’s rights, their identities, their existence, up for public vote? That is sick. It’s mob rule.
EI: Salma, have you ever considered at least pretending to like the people you want to vote for you?
JB: That’s enough, both of you. Sam Courtenay.
SC: A lot of LGBT people have come up to me recently, saying they’re angry that we didn’t pass gay marriage in the last three years. And you know what I said? I said, blame Sue Fareham, and Emryc Isla. They’re the ones who stopped it. I want to see that change, and with a majority SDP government, we will see that change.
EI: Whether the people want it or not.
JB: Emryc Isla, no more interruptions. Now, Robert Kilroy-Silk.
RKS: Last again! I like to call myself a libertarian, and I think you should too. A woman should be able to evict a foetus from the womb until it’s viable. Gay people should be able to get married, and everyone should be able to get divorced. And they should be able to defend their heroin factories with howitzers, because, Emryc Isla, you don’t trust people with referendums. You trust them with liberty.
SF: Should people be able to sell their organs too? Their bodies? How about nudity?
RKS: Why not? In fact, let’s have some nudity ri-
Joke! Joke. But seriously, why not?
SF: Because the rules we have in place – the norms, the morals, the traditions – were set up for a reason. They’re here because, by and large, they work, and they help make our society happier, healthier, and wealthier. You want to chuck it all to the wind and create anarchy, but let me tell you, anarchy never lasts. It always ends with ordinary people, shorn of all protections, getting screwed by the scum of the earth.
EI: And that’s why, when a tradition might not be working, we should require a referendum to change it.
SR: This is offensive BS and Sue, you should read some books too when you’ve lost your seat. Everybody knows our so-called traditions were created by powerful Catholic men to justify and structuralise the oppression of women, of minority people, and anyone who was a threat to the establishment. Kilroy’s right for once, it all needs to go.
RKS: But you want to replace it with new rules, against free speech and whatever.
SR: You say new rules, I say better rules. Socially just rules.
JB: That’ll do folks. Thank you very much.
JB: So now, in reverse order to the opening statements, I’m giving each candidate a chance to, in fifteen seconds, give a closing statement. Robert Kilroy-Silk, you first.
RKS: You're tired of the way Angleter is being run? The other candidates fill you with despair? You think things can be better? You want to break the mould and pee these guys all off while you're at it? That's right - you're voting Kilroy.
JB: Thanks. Emryc Isla.
EI: The Citizen Alliance was created to hold the folks in power to account. But now we can do better. With your help, we can finally get a Citizen Alliance government that makes you the folks in power. I hope you’ll join us.
JB: Next, it’s Sam Courtenay.
SC: Governing is hard. I know that. But do you think the other people on this stage know that? Or do you think that if they get the keys to the Prime Minister’s Office, they’ll be in for a very rude awakening? You know it: only the SDP have the level heads and the experience to run this country.
JB: Cut that one a bit fine, Sam. Salma Remington.
SR: Whose country is this? Is it a country for the elite, the cis straight Latin Catholic men who’ve ruled this country since it was founded on the blood of innocent Muslims? The answer’s, well, yes. But with the CSL – and only the CSL – we can change that, and create a truly just society.
JB: And finally, Sue Fareham.
SF: This has all got a bit heated, and frankly, a bit abstract tonight. But I hope you’ll take away this: SDP rule just hasn’t delivered. If we reconnect with the principles that made us great, and elect a Democrat government, then we can really take this country forward again.
JB: Thank you all, and thank you to our audience and the people who asked the questions. Polls are open on June 19th from 7am to 10pm, and if there’s one thing all these guys are agreed on, it’s that they definitely want you to go and vote. On Sirion, the debate continues in the spin room, if you haven’t had enough of this, and on Tuesday night we’ll be bringing you all the results as they come in. But from me, and from our five leaders, goodnight!