NEWSfoundland



  • Whattaya'at, b'ys? NEWSfoundland will keep you all up to date with news from the Dominion of Newfoundland, from Hopedale to Labrador City and from Corner Brook to St. John's.



  • Clubbers, Animal Activists Agree Hitlerfish Clubbing Is Fine

    30th August, 2012

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    A Hitlerfish

    NEWFIE seal clubbers and animal rights activists have seldom agreed with each other, with the latter group long calling for the ban of the former's industry. However, today they have made a joint statement calling for increased clubbing of Hitlerfish, the main fish in Newfoundland's waters since overfishing led to a collapse in cod stocks last year, allowing the rubbery and ugly Hitlerfish to take over. "We call on the fishermen, clubbers, and common citizens of the Dominion of Newfoundland," says the statement, "to fight for nature, for the nation, and for themselves by clubbing, or otherwise killing in a brutal manner, as many Hitlerfish as possible, especially the young." The statement has been applauded by Premier Danny Williams, who said "I will not rest until a concerted Angleteric-European-Newfoundlander movement against these Hitlerfish is established." Williams also plans to restrict the supply of Hitlerfish to artificially raise the price of the relatively useless fish, and then to pay tribute to Angleter and Europolis in Hitlerfish stocks.

    Seal clubbers are said to be pleased to have the opportunity to club more things, since they actually only club a small minority of seals. Meanwhile, animal rights leader Steve Tobin said "I know we're meant to be for not making species extinct, but have you ever seen a Hitlerfish? They're horrible things." Liberal Party crime spokesman Frances Smith suggested that clubbing Hitlerfish would be "a good way for violent people to let out their anger, thus reducing violent crime. I don't care whether we or the Tories introduce this idea, just introduce it so we can get rid of more Hitlerfish. Horrible things."

    Clubbing is a popular activity among 18-24 year olds in Newfoundland.



  • Newfoundland To Enter EuroVoice

    28th September, 2012

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    Great Big Sea

    An agreement between NewfTV and Angleteric broadcaster Sirion has been reached to allow the Rock to participate in the forthcoming EuroVoice contest, which will be held in Blossomjd. It is expected that Great Big Sea will fly the Newfie flag on the continent, since NewfTV insiders claim that the station's Director-General is unaware that any other bands exist in Newfoundland. Fortunately, Great Big Sea have plenty of songs ready to enter, which they have recorded but have yet to release, so as to extract as much revenue as possible from their current No.1 single. Great Big Sea have been No. 1 in Newfoundland's Newfie Content charts since 2001, when Danny Girl's "Crush on Danny Williams" ended its four year stay at the top.

    In the case that Newfoundland wins the contest, NewfTV will have to choose whether to hold an open-air concert in Newfoundland's biggest field in a cow farm near Corner Brook, or in Newfoundland's biggest closed venue, the St. John's Codfishers' ice hockey stadium. Alternatively, a temporary stadium of ice could be built near Labrador City, with advocates suggesting that it could be an excuse to kill up to 50,000 Hitlerfish. Premier Danny Williams said yesterday, "the other proposals would have to match this impressive Hitlerfish kill requirement."

    Great Big Sea take their name from the fact that Newfoundland is surrounded by a great big sea.



  • Newfoundland Liberals Mull Europarty Affiliation

    2nd December, 2012

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    Last Year's Liberal Conference

    Clyde Wells, leader of the Liberal Party of Newfoundland, has put on the agenda of his party's 2012 conference the idea of joining the new ALDGE Europarty. With the conference starting tomorrow and expected to attract over 100 people for the first time since 1996, the party has announced the conference's theme of "Fightback For Victory," hoping to end 17 years of Danny Williams' Tory rule by eliminating the 70-point deficit they currently suffer from in the polls in the lead-up to the March 2013 elections. Wells, speaking at the annual meeting of the Liberal Party's Parliamentary caucus (open to former MPs since the Liberals were reduced to one seat in 2003), said that "opening ourselves to European politics" will make the Liberals "look like a serious party."

    With 71% of Newfoundlanders polled agreeing that the Liberals are not a serious party, and 84% saying that they would burst into laughter if they woke up to hear that the Liberals had won the election and formed a government, Wells has a serious task ahead of him. The Liberals' woes are added to by the fact that Wells' attempts to portray the Liberals as a moderate, environmentalist party have succeeded. Blunders such as Wells' deputy Martha Nelson falling foul of a Twitter death hoax about daytime TV presenter Quincy Fletcher, and a day later claiming that convicted paedophile, 80s singer Terry Twinkle, was "a legend" and "possibly the best singer ever," have not helped. Crime spokeswoman Frances Smith also sparked controversy by posting on a blog a list of people she thought were paedophiles, including "seven or eight members of the PC Party caucus".

    However, the party hopes to turn the tide back starting tomorrow, with Wells hoping the 100-plus delegates will accept a radical new agenda of joining ALDGE, building windfarms in national parks and along the coast, having the Cabinet go round Newfoundland in a bus and inviting a number of random people to join it for the day, and a "wholesale assault" on gender roles. Wells also wants victims to play a greater role in policy-making, since "nobody knows the issues in quite the way that they do - and I am a passionate believer that the best policy comes from the most emotionally involved." All commentators are in agreement, calling the plans "bold" and "ambitious," and claiming that they would "dominate the headlines" if the Liberals were to pursue them.

    When asked what would most make them vote for Clyde Wells, 47% of Newfoundlanders replied "if he wore a hat."



  • Newfoundlanders (and Labradorians) Confident for EV XVI

    9th February, 2013

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    Hey Rosetta!

    Newfoundland awaits with bated breath the results of EuroVoice XVI, the Rock's third overall and second consecutive song contest entry, as hope grows that Hey Rosetta!, a six-piece St. John's-based group, could score highly in the contest. Known for their live performances, largely since Newfoundland's entire professional recording industry consists of the National MacBook, Hey Rosetta! were chosen by Danny Williams himself to represent us Newfies in Os Corelia after he saw them play at the Corner Brook Hitlerfish Clubbing Festival in November. After personally approaching the band, they came up with a new song - Red Heart - and entered it for the prestigious regional event.

    "They're great, they blew me away," said the Premier, whose name (and title) is now legally to be printed larger than the text around it, about the band, claiming that "when they were after starting playing a few of the b'ys were clubbing Hitlerfish nearshore, and some of 'em just dropped their clubs down right there, nearly got 'emselves killed by the little buggers." The band comes from what could be called the 'indie', 'alternative', or 'underground' side to Newfie music, by dint of not being Great Big Sea, once thought erroneously by many to be the only artists active in Newfoundland. However, with the Premier's patronage, Hey Rosetta! have been granted access to the National MacBook to produce an album which could challenge Great Big Sea or at least the current No. 2, Crush On Danny Williams.

    With political support, Hey Rosetta! have become local heroes, and Newfies have taken their cause in Kaldoon to heart. Loyola Milward, an oil worker from Bonavista, told NEWSfoundland that "I hope they're havin' a time down there, 'cause they're right good musicians. I reckon we could be holding the Eurovoices [sic] down by old Smallwood's cow field in a couple months, now wouldn't that be something, eh b'y? Ha!" Even Gander resident Mute Phil Ball, who is mute, couldn't resist giving a nod to the band, even though he is also legally deaf.

    Hey Rosetta! have an exclamation mark at the end of their name, a practice that Danny Williams intends to take up himself - the Premier has now legally changed his name by deed poll to Danny Williams!.



  • Liberals Rejoice As They Claim Victory in One Seat

    30th March, 2013

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    Map of Results

    Clyde Wells has addressed a jubilant Liberal election night party at St. George's Tavern in St. John's after hearing that his son Edgar Wells has been elected to Parliament in the southwestern seat of St. Anthony's East. Wells Jr. beat PC candidate Patricia Little by 74 votes, scoring 49.7% of the vote. This beat the Liberals' nationwide average by over 30%, as every other seat in the 31-member assembly - including that of Wells Sr. - was won comfortably by the PC Party, who struggled home with a reduced total of 79.4% of the vote. Danny Williams' seat of Wiltonwich was won easily for the PCs despite a high-profile campaign by local drunk Steve Johnson - Williams took 95.6% of the vote to Johnson's 2.9% (the Liberal candidate got 1.5%).

    The campaign had narrowed considerably in the last week of the campaign after Danny Williams' government accidentally allowed Newfoundland to technically cease to exist as a nation on Palm Sunday, only to re-establish it on Monday, and the continued failure of the administration to rejoin the World Assembly. Williams earned a public rebuke from the Angleteric legate over the fracas, but the legate was silenced by an unfortunate accident whereby he slipped on a step covered in Hitlerfish grease and hit his head. The legate is now recovering in the Williams Wing of the new St. John's Memorial Hospital. The Liberals' 'war for windfarms' campaign was, however, largely unsuccessful in capitalising on the PC's (metaphorical) and the legate's (literal) slip-ups, and failed to reach their target of two seats.

    Clyde Wells, defeated in his own seat, has handed the reins over to his elected son Edgar after an impromptu 'primary' of all the people in St. George's Tavern at 1am this morning, only for Edgar to get into a bar fight with a Williams supporter, which turned into a drunken mass brawl, at 1:45am. Police were called and seven men arrested, including the new Liberal leader. No such controversy was seen at the PC victory celebrations at the International Hockey Arena. Also changing hands are the leaderships of the Socialist and Labrador Front parties, with both parties expressing their disappointment at failing to win a seat by removing leaders Mark Cointreau and Gregory Penashue. However, the Cabinet itself is unlikely to change much, and Lieutenant-Governor Gordon Pinsent is not set to step down for another six months. The Cabinet in full (all members PC):

    Premier: Danny Williams
    Angleteric Parliament Representative: Edeva Cormanteau (who shall continue to caucus with the Democrats)
    World Assembly Representative: Martin Drummond
    Steward [Finance]: Patrick Kenney
    Marshal [Police]: Pauline Tobin
    Seneschal [Justice]: Derek Cleary
    Almoner [Welfare]: Brian Tarrant
    Doctor [Health]: Mary Saint-Quentin
    Tutor [Education]: Richard Newcastle

    The new government has sprung into action already, with Williams making a show of grace and humility by removing the exclamation mark from the end of his name and revoking the law mandating that his name or office always be written or typed in slightly larger letters. Premier Williams' inbox includes repairing relations with the Angleteric mainland, rejoining the World Assembly, and choosing Newfoundland's new EuroVoice song - in an exciting twist, both Great Big Sea and Hey Rosetta! have already announced that they do not want to represent the Rock in Eider Forrest, Os Corelia. "We don't want to have to sit through Andr? Hazes again," a joint statement from both bands said.

    And the results in full:

    Progressive-Conservative Party of Newfoundland & Labrador - 30 seats (?0) - 79.4% (-3.4%)
    Liberal Party of Newfoundland & Labrador - 1 seat (?0) - 16.7% (+4.0%)
    Socialist Association of Newfoundland - 0 seats (?0, ran in 22) - 2.9% (-0.2%)
    Labrador Front - 0 seats (?0, ran in 4) - 0.8% (-0.5%)
    Steve Johnson [Independent] - 0 seats (?0, ran in 1) - 0.1% (+0.1%)



  • Danny Williams Rejects Caesarean 'Stereotype'

    17th April, 2013

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    Danny Williams speaks unto the world

    Premier Danny Williams has expressed his regret at Northern Caesarean football manager Francisco Puigcerc?s' comments about supposed stereotypes about Newfoundland, made before the 2-2 draw between Newfoundland and Northern Caesarea in the group stages of the EuroCup. Williams, who has long aimed to establish a 'consistent and respected' reputation for Newfoundland in Europe, claimed that the manager was "repeating an old, tired, and incorrect stereotype."

    "This stereotype of us as, and I quote, a 'remote island populated by hostile fishermen', is absolutely incorrect. We are not remote. Our lands in Labrador connect us to an entire continent of opportunity, right next to the likes of Qvait and Nouvelle Picardie," claimed the Premier. "To us, Northern Caesarea is basically in the middle of nowhere, not to mention unpronounceable. If the majority of people from that country have this opinion of Newfoundland, then I am sorry for them, and I would hope that they take the time to re-educate themselves, preferably by visiting Newfoundland and spending as much money as they have over here." The Premier suggested that Puigcer?s' stereotype could even be "doubly wrong," since "if you count Labrador, we're not even just an island anyway."

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    Newfoundland dogs, listening to the Premier's speech

    Williams stressed that he was not in particular blaming the Caesarean manager, noting that "at least this b'y has looked past his own nation's evident ignorance about Newfoundland, and has picked up on our amazing technical skills at football. And if he thinks we're good at that, he should watch us play hockey, fish, and club seals. We are a nation of many talents, make no mistake. In fact, I would like to thank him for bringing to my attention the misinformation that many believe about the Rock." However, Williams' government has been aware for some time of this issue, with an Angleteric poll last year suggesting that 13% of young Angleterics believe Newfoundland to be a make-believe realm, with a further 8% denying its existence, and 35% of those who did acknowledge the Dominion's existence believing that Newfoundlanders are either part-fish or live on an exclusive diet of fish.

    At the time, Williams had rued the poll, commenting that "if they think we can still just eat fish, they're stuck in the past, before the Hitlerfish came." However, he claims that his series of public arguments with the Angleteric government, most recently in the form of nationalist EuroVoice entry Newfoundland Must Band, has raised the Rock's profile in the Angleteric discourse. "This is a policy that works. If you communicate, loudly, with these people, you'll get into their heads. I can only hope that the Caesareans, a nation blighted - as we are by the blasted Hitlerfish - by being named after surgery to deliver a baby, will be hearing all about Newfoundland soon."

    When asked if Newfoundland's match with Northern Caesarea had already done that, Williams replied, "2-2 wasn't good enough. Only a 7-0 win would've seared the name of Newfoundland in their collective memory."



  • The Rock Rolls Into Musical Groove

    1st August, 2013

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    Bosanquet

    There are high hopes in Newfoundland for this eighteenth edition of the EuroVoice song competition, with beloved newsreader Reginald Bosanquet - a regular at most St. John's bars, and renowned for his clear delivery which led many from the Angleteric mainland to dub him "the only Newfoundlander I can understand" - bringing disco to the Duxburian Union with the tune Dance With Me. In the entry, Bosanquet employs a 'different, unusual, and fun' way of singing that captivated Newfie audiences at the national finals in early July. When asked whether he prepares differently for musical performances than for his normal stint on Newf News, Bosanquet (known affectionately as "Reggie") said, "I need a bit more Dutch courage."

    With the general standard of other EuroVoice entries this time out deemed by many Newfoundlanders (and Labradorians) to be poor, it is believed that Bosanquet could bring "a breath of fresh air and excitement" to the contest, and could even bring the contest to St. John's for the 19th EV. What will be coming to Newfoundland soon will be the Euro Cup, after our triumphant victory over Rhine Ruhr in the final of the first such event earlier in the year. National hero Terenziano Thesauros told NEWSfoundland that "I'm really looking forward to seeing all Europe come to Newfoundland and try to take us on. Hopefully we can fend 'em off and keep the trophy here, since, you know, we've got a good squad, and we know Paddy Murphy's Field better than anybody, so hopefully we'll be having home advantage."

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    He Knows You Want It

    In other musical news, Premier Danny Williams has stepped over into the music business and headed straight to No. 1 with the song Blurred Lines, ending Great Big Sea's twelve-year domination of the charts. Williams said of making the video, "it's an amazing thought, that one can move so many parts at one time." The video features Remy Martin V, a Newfoundland product that is only available to the Premier himself, and is made by a closely-guarded recipe that is believed to include copious numbers of Hitlerfish.


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