The Cardinal Unctious Mysteries

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    Cardinal Unctious, the Vatican Secretary of State, was called to the Papal apartments for an audience with the Holy Father, Pope Aloysius. Unctious wondered what was so pressing - or different - that it could not wait until the next routine meeting between the Pope and his Secretary of State. Soon enough, the Cardinal was called into the room. He approached the Pope, knelt before him to kiss his ring, and stood.

    "Your Holiness, what may I do for you? I heard something about an investigation?"

  • Brother Unctious, I wish you wouldn't kiss my ring I hate that concept I ask you no longer to do it but simply greet me with a brotherly embrace. Thank you for agreeing to meet with me. In your role of Secretary of state and indeed as head of the college of Cardinals I ask for you to look out for our brothers and give them guidance. We all sin and if we are truly repentant then forgiveness may be forgiven. But we need to practice what we preach and ensure the message is not distorted.

    As we gathered in Rome for the conclave a dark cloud fell over Brother Daneels. As I took the shoes of the fisherman I knew that we would need a transparent process. I think now my structures are in place we need to investigate these allegations to their full extent regarding our Brother. I ask that we treat him innocent until proven guilty but that we ascertain the truth. I feel that the justice of God will guide us through this and we can come to a certain truth.

    I ask that you lead a formal public enquiry into these allegations so we can find a judgement and move on.

  • _Cardinal Daneels was in Antwerpen just minding his bussiness when he was informed that there was going to be an investigation against him because of these rumors that started a long time ago, that he killed an escort.

    Ofcourse he was furious about it, he feared for his job. He tought that it was a waste of time._

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    The plane carrying Cardinal Unctious landed at an airport somewhat far away from Antwerpen itself. Priests, especially ones in the Vatican, are notoriously prone to gossip, and so it was more than likely that Cardinal Danneels would at least suspect that the investigation was underway. However, it was absolutely critical that nobody in the secular media got wind of it - what good would come of Danneels' name being tarnished if he turned out to be innocent? - so a certain amount of discretion was needed.

    Though he preferred to make sure as few people as possible - all clerics - knew about this investigation, Cardinal Unctious thought it best that he have a Groot Belgian partner join him on the investigation - someone who knew the local Church, and was fluent in the language - and has asked the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith to recommend someone to meet him at the airport. Being a learned man, Unctious assumed this was the nun holding up a placard reading 'CARDINAL UNCTIOUS'.

    "Good morning. You must be Sister..."

    "Sister Agnes Gerardi, your Excellency," the nun said stridently, before kneeling to kiss the Cardinal's ring.

    "Pleased to meet you," replied the Cardinal. "Where would you suggest we look first?"

    "The victim's family, friends, and so on. The rumours had to originate somewhere - chances are either it was them or they know who it was. There's a taxi taking us to Antwerpen now, and I have the address for the victim's sister."

    "Righto. Lead the way."

    Unctious and Gerardi walked out of the airport towards the taxi rank, and entered the nearest one. Unctious broke the silence.

    "Oh, you know the ring-kissing thing? Pope doesn't like it. He wants me to hug him instead."

    Gerardi snorted.

    "It'll be fist bumps, next, I'm telling you. I suppose it's a humility thing, but then it only works when it's me or someone else he talks to a lot. You'd look a right prat if you met the Pope for the first time and refused to kiss his ring like some kind of Protestant," Unctious added.

    "Hmm." Gerardi nodded. "That's that Vatican II for you again. Always pandering to the Protestants. And the atheists. But do you ever see them pandering to us? Ha! I mean, say what you like about Archbishop Lefebvre, but he knew how to..."

    Unctious interjected, "Sister Agnes..."

    Gerardi continued regardless, "yes, he knew how to sort out the apostates. And Mass! Look what's happened to Mass! All so short nowadays. I love a good long Mass."

    "Ah, I agree with you there. It's always best with a priest who really knows how to work the altar. An extended Latin Mass is always the one for me," Unctious said, hoping for a nice discussion about the liturgy.

    No luck. Gerardi leaned forward. "But now you only really get them with the SSPX. I know some of them say those things about the Jews, but..."


    "But who cares which side your priest thinks should've won the war if he..."

    "SISTER! Perhaps we should talk about the case."

    Gerardi sat back in her seat. "OK, if you say so."

    But soon enough, the taxi had pulled up in front of the victim's sister's house. Gerardi and Unctious emerged, and knocked on the front door.

  • The victims sister opened the door of her house, she turned pale instantly. She wanted to have nothing to do with the church. Even if it was for donations for the poor. She rolled with her eyes and sighed

    What in the emperors name you want this time? I wont make any donation for your foolish organisation! She said irritated

    ooc: I am very sorry about the short post but on Monday I have Italian class and this one man his 13-14 year old son came to class with his sibling and an freind on monday (the day before yesterday) to say his dad had an accident.

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    ((OOC: Sorry about the delay.))

    "Ma'am, we don't want money. I'm Cardinal Todd Unctious, and this is Sister Agnes Gerardi. We've been commissioned by Rome to investigate corruption and evil within the Church here, so we wish to talk to you about your sister's death."

    Gerardi leant into the doorway.

    "Would you be able to tell us about her? Whether she, er, worked with any priests - high-ranking ones, perhaps? Whether you believe any of them could have been involved in her death?"

  • The victim's sister pushed the cardinal back gently and the nsaw out side the portal of the door to the left and right to the street.

    Come inside, quick! Before they're on to you! said the victim's sister a bit panic'd

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    Sister Agnes rushed inside, dragging the Cardinal in behind her. Unctious, his arm now released from Gerardi's vice-like grip, fixed his pectoral cross and asked the victim's sister:

    "Onto us? How do you mean?"

  • I've heard that the catholic church has lynch mobs because they think they're opressed i nthis country though the emperor has declared that all religions are equal for him. In trying to get the truth out I have been harrassed so much over time.said the victims sister you want any coffee or tea?