Border Patrol, Icholasen



  • Border Patrol
    Saint Regina Airport
    5:07

    Saint Regina Airport is one of the busiest in the UKoI. Over 50,900 passengers come in each day. The Border Control have to seek out any illegal items entering the country. It is a difficult job making sure 50,900 bags are free of illegal items. We follow the team of Border Controllers in Icholasen's Busiest airport

    *BORDER PATROL ICHOLASEN THEME PLAYS*

    _"I started working here around 2013, it's a very difficult job. On average I think I deal with around 1,000 people and bags each day. Most people only bring in legal stuff and that's good and fine but sometimes they don't." _ Darren works in the Illegal Dairy section of the border patrol which is by far the busiest in Icholasen. "People just don't know the dangers of bringing a pint of milk into the country! It's more dangerous than anything you've ever seen. I have to dispose of it and believe you me it's one of the worst jobs in the country."

    Darren has stopped a Polish traveller. "Why can I not bring in my cheese?" He says. "Because it's the law, mate." The Polish man shrugged and handed it over for disposal. They wouldn't allow us to film the disposal but from what we could hear was that it was a furnace. "Yes I'd say my job was difficult. Why do I do it? I feel it's a national duty to keep the country safe from the terror that is dairy. It's a thankless job but someone's got to do it I guess."

    The Border Patrol has been given a lead into a dairy-lord's dairy party. We follow the Border Patrol around Saint Regina to the given address. After twisting and turning around the busy Saint Regina streets we finally reach the address. "We know you're in there. We have a search warrant under the suspicion of carrying dairy products. Let us in and your sentence may be shorter. They didn't open the door so they attempted to knock it down. After several tries the door was knocked down. The following images may be disturbing. There was disgusting things including a cheese platter, a litre of milk, two litres of ice cream, 20 bars of chocolate and worst of all, butter. The Border Patrol caught them in the act and they were all put in jail overnight and given a court date.

    This was just one day in the life of the Icholasen Border Patrol. Please think whenever you're around the airport or even just at home, the Border Patrol are always making sure the country is free of illegal items and just think of the poor countries with border patrols not as good as ours.



  • Border Patrol
    Saint Regina Airport
    5:08

    Saint Regina Airport is one of the busiest in the UKoI. Over 50,900 passengers come in each day. The Border Control have to seek out any illegal items entering the country. It is a difficult job making sure 50,900 bags are free of illegal items. We follow the team of Border Controllers in Icholasen's Busiest airport

    *BORDER PATROL ICHOLASEN THEME PLAYS*

    Today was a very difficult day at the airport. There was a cargo plane scheduled to land in Inimicus coming from across the Atlantic, full of cheese, which is generally not aloud to fly over Icholasen airspace so it was a surprise when it did. Airtraffic Control heard they had lost both engines and they were to be aloud to land. But it missed the runway and hit a small town, luckily no one died but the town was doused with melted cheese. Disaster helicopter came in and men in radiation suits had to come in to clean it up. It is estimated that it will take 10 years for the town to stop smelling like Parmesan.

    Today Darren was working at Border Control again, but today he was not given a dairy related problem. Today someone had brought a suitcase full of soap and their hand luggage full of soap. This was highly suspicious as they were travelling to Inimicus. "Why do you have all this soap?!" Darren inquired, genuinely curious about why someone would bring so much soap. "No reason..." Said the strange man. Then you won't mind us taking it away? The strange man ran out with his bag but was quickly tazed by the guard. The man's luggage was taken away and he wasn't aloud to fly.

    Today, we meet with George, the Immigration Officer. He is assisting a young, Rechroat woman who married an old, wealthy and Icholasen man to get a green card. "So, you're a bit of a gold digger then?" Said George over the Immigrations desk. The Rechroat looked rather confused. "I have not dugged gold ever?" George looked to the floor, confused as her. "We need you to sign all these documents and then you can freely live in our land." George passed over the Icholasen Green Card form. Thank you Mister George. The Rechroat said. The Rechroat was allowed into the country and lived happily.

    This was just one day in the life of the Icholasen Border Patrol. Please think whenever you're around the airport or even just at home, the Border Patrol are always making sure the country is free of illegal items and just think of the poor countries with border patrols not as good as ours.



  • Border Patrol
    Saint Regina Airport
    5:08

    Saint Regina Airport is one of the busiest in the UKoI. Over 50,900 passengers come in each day. The Border Control have to seek out any illegal items entering the country. It is a difficult job making sure 50,900 bags are free of illegal items. We follow the team of Border Controllers in Icholasen's Busiest airport. Guest starring Lianne Kent.

    *BORDER PATROL ICHOLASEN THEME PLAYS*

    Today, Darren has been moved to the Legal-In-Moderation section and was dealing with a Rechroat who was coming into the country with 6 large... Toys... In her hand luggage. Icholasen unfortunately doesn't allow more than 5 on a plane and if you have any more you won't be aloud to fly that day. But many people protest the rules. The Rechroat has been trying to seduce Darren for 9 hours. "Come on, let me go down on you. I know you want me." Said the Rechroat. Darren made a quick phone call as this continued. An hour later she was still trying to seduce him, but a man came in, also called Darren. They started making out and getting very personal. The Rechroat stopped and sat down. Then, Lianne Kent came in and said: "That Rechroat Girl could turn anyone gay."

    There was another hand luggage, and hold luggage full of soap. So it was Darren's job to call his Inimici counterpart. "Hello Darreni. I have some bad news. More soap's just been founding coming to Inimicus. I'm sure it's not a threat against your emperor, but it might be fundamentalists??? Anyway see you soon. Have a nice... Trip... (Down the stairs because there was soap)." Darren looked relieved after hanging up. I look relived? Probably because Darreni is a nasty piece of work. He killed my pet mosquito. All it wanted was a little nibble, but no. Last thing he saw was the headline "Queen Anastasia Coronated" he's just a horrible person. But you know I've got other friends in Inimicus, so I don't hate the lot. I mean it's a bit silly that soap story, but I like to never judge because I'm not qualified..." Darren went on to talk for over 10 hours about his likes and dislikes about Inimicus. Darren can literally talk for Icholasen, competing in the European talking festival.

    Plans to make the runways, SOLAR runways were causing delays. Luckily though, this made people less likely to want to fly and so Darren, Darren, George and Lianne were at the local pub. "What's the motivation you all have for doing your job?" Asked Lianne, as she was a chat show host. "I do it because I like turning away immigrants that want to steal our healthcare and benefits" Said George, who was brought up by Inimici Parents. "I do it because I find it hilarious the sorts of things people bring into the country! Especially drugs. I have to test all the drugs, obviously to see which ones as the right ones, so I invite all my mates to... Test... The drugs with me. My mum always said, "Drugs aren't cool if you do them on your own, get some fucking friends." They them starting making out, so other Darren, who works as a Check In Manager didn't get a word in. "Get a room" Said Lianne.

    This was just one day in the life of the Icholasen Border Patrol. Please think whenever you're around the airport or even just at home, the Border Patrol are always making sure the country is free of illegal items and just think of the poor countries with border patrols not as good as ours.



  • Border Patrol
    Saint Regina Airport
    5:08

    Saint Regina Airport is one of the busiest in the UKoI. Over 50,900 passengers come in each day. The Border Control have to seek out any illegal items entering the country. It is a difficult job making sure 50,900 bags are free of illegal items. We follow the team of Border Controllers in Icholasen's Busiest airport.

    *BORDER PATROL ICHOLASEN THEME PLAYS*

    Today, Darren was dealing with another Rechroat. She had brought in 2 Panels of Solar (freaking) Roadway. People have been stealing pieces of Solar (freaking) Roadways and so it was suspicious that someone was taking 2 panels out of the country. "Why are you taking these panels?" Asked Darren. "I made them myself and I am taking them home to power my house." She replied. At that Darren checked the underside of the panels. There was a seal that said "Solar (freaking) Roadways Property of the Icholasen Government." Darren looked at her gesturing for her to explain herself. "Fine. I confess. I stole these because... THEY ARE STEALING MY SUN. I NEED THE SUN. I MUST TAN." She then went into a rampage where she opened the window and basked in the morning sun, she then was forcibly taken, to which she broke free and then taped herself to the window. She was so determined that it took an hour and a half for her to be removed and her visa revoked.

    Eric Pickles was returning to Davishire after a short break in Icholasen. Whilst trying to get through security, he got stuck in the metal detector. As is procedure - even for government people - if you cannot get through all the security checks you have to receive an interview. But first he had to be given a special metal detection to fit his special size. "How long have you been in the country?" Asked Darren. "2 Days..." Said Pickles, scoffing a 5 course meal. "Why are you here?" Asked Darren. "For the world Pickle Convention" Said Pickles. "That's great. I just need you to fill in some paperwork." Darren then handed over a large stack of paper, at least the length of all the Harry Potters and The Lord of the Rings. "You don't have to read it all... But you probably should..." Darren said. Pickles gave him the evil eyes of Pickles. Eventually after his 2 day trip turned into 4, Eric Pickles returned to Davishire. "We did our job amazingly... Obviously..."

    Today we meet with the UKoI border controls in Os Corelia. Because Ferries travel between the two Islands, many Ferries containing freight travel between the two countries. Because Os Corelia are very... Liberal... With their immigration laws, they use it as a jump point for getting to Icholasen. Checked a lorry for dairy and Co2. They check for Co2 as that's what people breath. And people are using trucks as a method of illegal travel. Today the border guards found both. They opened the door of the lorry. They hadn't even tried to hide themselves. "You can't even see the back of the truck. There's just loads of people on top of loads of yoghurt and a vat of cheese." The Border Patrol took away the people and screened them. The driver of the lorry was sent back to Os Corelia with his yoghurt. The cameraman was exploring the truck when he saw the vat of cheese was open. A packet of yoghurt was laying on the floor and he stood on it. It opened. The gooey dairy lubricated the sea of yoghurt. He slipped. He fell. For 5 days he was in hospital being treated for severe farting and diarrhea.

    This was just one day in the life of the Icholasen Border Patrol. Please think whenever you're around the airport or even just at home, the Border Patrol are always making sure the country is free of illegal items and just think of the poor countries with border patrols not as good as ours.



  • Border Patrol
    Saint Regina Airport
    5:08

    Saint Regina Airport is one of the busiest in the UKoI. Over 50,900 passengers come in each day. The Border Control have to seek out any illegal items entering the country. It is a difficult job making sure 50,900 bags are free of illegal items. We follow the team of Border Controllers in Icholasen's Busiest airport.

    *BORDER PATROL ICHOLASEN THEME PLAYS*

    Today a Rechroat has come into the country. Her passport was checked and she was told to wait... "Why the Jesus Joseph and Gucci am I being held here?! You have NO right!! Said the Rechroat. "Calm down. Your Passport has been flagged by the Red Croatian Government. They request you come back. We will book a flight as soon as possible." Darren said. The Rechroat immediately started crying. PLEASE!! YOU CAN'T THEY'LL KILL ME!" Said the Rechroat. Gesturing to the top 100 ugliest people in Red Croatia. "Well.. You are rather ugly... But if you wish to make an asylum request there are forms in the office. Darren replied, with a sobbing woman on his arm. "Stop fucking crying you
    damn ugly woman."
    Darren said softly, trying to sooth the woman. Time passed and the woman was denied asylum. No one knows what happened to her, but it is likely she's just fine, maybe a few scratches but she'll be tip top tomorrow maybe even living in a house.

    user posted image
    AD Translation: I'm staying in Poland, Come! (He's a plumber)

    Today the Border Patrol went to a wedding. Nice? No. A Rechroat was getting married to a man from Inimicus. The Rechroat claimed she was being payed to perform the ceremony. The Inimicus man took off all his clothes and jumped out of the window. The Border Patrol is still looking for him. We follow the team as they search for the man. "We've been looking around for a naked man of Inimican decent, but to no avail. You'd think that would be unusual in Saint Regina but it really isn't. The instinct of Inimican men after being rejected is to take off their clothes and run around the city, which happens at least 1,000 times every day across the EU. The Rechroat tried to help by saying he had a very small King Richard, but most Inimican people have tiny dicks, so that wouldn't help. But, she also said that he had a tatoo of the Emperor on his left bum cheek. Most Inimican men would not be able to have tattoos because they are too afraid of needles so this would be a major lead." The team then called all the police patrols in the SRMA (Saint Regina Metropolitan Area) to look for a naked, Inimican man, with a small dick and a tattoo of the Emperor of Inimicus on his left bum cheek. Eventually after 4 hours, he was found and deported. Thank you, border patrol.

    A man has requested asylum in Icholasen after not passing the Polish Cultural Test. "You've got to let me in! They won't accept me as a true Polish Citizen! You need to help me. I only play 7 instruments, I've only been in 5 plays, I've only drawn 6 hipster drawings, I don't know who the first King of Poland was, I don't know the national dance, I don't know what the Original Capital was and I don't have an art blog! Pleaded the Polish man. _"You'll have to pass the "Representation of Minorities Test" I'm going to give you a sheet, but I'll read them all out, slowly and carefully and in Polish if you need it? He shook his head.
    GENDER: Male Cis/Female Cis/Transgender/Transexual/Bigender/Pangender
    SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Straight/Gay/Bisexual/Pansexual/Asexual
    ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: Heteroromantic/Homoromantic/Biromantic/Aromantic"
    _ Darren read out. "I'd have to say all the first ones??" Darren then stamped his paper as "DENIED" and he was sent back to Poland. Sometimes countries have weird specifications to get into their country, but not Icholasen!*
    *Apart from like all of them

    This was just one day in the life of the Icholasen Border Patrol. Please think whenever you're around the airport or even just at home, the Border Patrol are always making sure the country is free of illegal items and just think of the poor countries with border patrols not as good as ours.



  • Border Patrol
    Saint Regina Airport
    5:08

    Saint Regina Airport is one of the busiest in the UKoI. Over 50,900 passengers come in each day. The Border Control have to seek out any illegal items entering the country. It is a difficult job making sure 50,900 bags are free of illegal items. We follow the team of Border Controllers in Icholasen's Busiest airport. Welcome to the Series 1 Grand Finale.

    *BORDER PATROL ICHOLASEN THEME PLAYS*

    Today, an Os Corelian man has been stopped for not declaring his food. Darren has been dispatched to deal with the man and his wife. "Why did you not say on your ESTA that you were bringing food into the country? Especially as passengers smelt your food as it was fish. And why did you bring a whole suitcase full of food?" Asked Darren. Once again confused at the weird things people try and smuggle in. "I didn't say because I could see. It's very confusing. It was all a mistake." He replied. "Because you didn't I'm going to find you 10,000 Nicoleizian Pounds and deny you entry into the country." Darren enforced the iron hand of the law. "You CAN'T! I'm an environmentalist, I'll have you know!" He said. Just as he said this, his wife started coughing. "She has the fever, you have to have sympathy! I'M A FREAKING ENVIRONMENTALIST!" She kept getting coughing louder and louder, but not obviously sick. Darren called the Port Doctor and the Chief Immigrations officer. "They can't be allowed into the country. Full stop. Whatever the doctor finds we'll have to rethink but if not. Also search the fish. People have been smuggling stuff inside fish recently." Darren cut all the 176 fish open, and in every one, was a block of cheese. The Os Corelians were sent home and fined, they weren't allowed back into the country.

    Eleven Illegal Iguanas were seized today at customs today. The reptiles were discovered in the baggage of Inimican nationals. Customs staff found the Reptiles. The iguanas were each wrapped in an individual sock, (sometimes other things are put in socks) and had been stuffed into suitcases. Ten survived their journey but one died in transit. The women were later sentenced to 12 months in prison for smuggling, after an investigation by the UKoI's Border Agency, including Darren. The Illegal Iguanas were on their way to Davishire, for Eric Pickles International Eating Festival. Eric Pickles can not stop himself from pigging out on Illegal Iguanas. The Surving Illegal Iguanas were shipped to their home in Os Corelia. All Os Corelia had to say was all Hippy bullshit, so we didn't keep it in the final cut. The iguanas were flown in the cabin of a Royal Icholasen Airways flight to Os Corelia. Pilot Captain Al Matthews said: "Naturally, all of our customers are special, but despite having flown Prime Ministers and members of the Royal Family, these iguanas are by far the most unusual. You don?t expect to share your cabin with incredibly rare reptiles. However, I can confirm all the iguanas were securely stored throughout the flight and had the most comfortable journey possible."

    Border Patrol officers at Portland Airport have made a huge seizure of Dairy Products in a consignment of carpets from Red Croatia. Around 50 kilos of Dairy Products have so far been found but examination of the load is continuing and the final total could be far greater. The haul is already among the largest drug seizures made at Portland Airport. It is thought that the total value of the Dairy Products could run into millions of Nicoleizian pounds. Linda Paul, Assistant Director for Border Patrol, said: "This is an extremely impressive seizure and I would like to praise the vigilance and hard work of my officers who have ensured that a substantial amount of a harmful Dairy Products have been kept off our streets. At this stage it is impossible to put an exact value on the Dairy Products because forensic tests have yet to be carried out. However, it is safe to say that we are looking at a significant amount." Pete Avery, from the Border Patrol Command, said: "This was a first class detection by Border Patrol officers of a huge quantity of Dairy Products worth millions. It was a sophisticated concealment and demonstrates the lengths organised crime groups go to in an effort to avoid detection. Our investigation has resulted in two arrests so far and enquiries are ongoing."

    This was the end of the series, but be sure to tune in to our inter season Game Show! This was just one day in the life of the Icholasen Border Patrol. Please think whenever you're around the airport or even just at home, the Border Patrol are always making sure the country is free of illegal items and just think of the poor countries with border patrols not as good as ours.



  • BORDER PATROL WILL RETURN WITH SERIES TWO BIWEEKLY ON SATURDAYS AND WEDNESDAYS. IT WILL HAVE A NEW FORMAT AND MORE CONTENT EACH WEEK. TUNE IN NEXT TIME!


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