Border Patrol Mile High Club!

  • Singles Patrol
    Saint Regina

    Saint Regina Dating Services are one of the busiest in the UKoI. Over 50,900 Singles come in each day. The Border Control have to seek out any Singles entering the country. It is a difficult job making sure 50,900 Singles are given a partner. We follow the team of Match Makers in Icholasen's Busiest Dating Show.


    Hello Ladies and Gentlemen I am your Cabin Crew and Host, Lianne Kent! Please strap in your seatbelts and lets fly! Today we have 3 Contestants, and only one date! Today our beautiful date is from Red Croatia, but before you see her, let me introduce you to our contestants today! We have, Eric Pickles! We have, George from Border Control! We have, last definitely not least, Captain Rimming! The show is divided into 3 sections! The makeover, the Interview and most importantly the date! But in between there will be an in flight game which will change every week.

    First we're giving a well needed makeover to Eric Pickles! Our Stylist, Cosima is giving him a facelift, with out very nice friend, Botox! "Eric, I understand you won't be able to get off all this.. Puppy fat... Off in 30 Minutes, but I do have a good trick! You can eat all you like, but remember, after you eat you MUST say hello to little finger here. He's your friend. You want to kiss him." At that Eric Pickles was sick in the bucket provided. "Oh. It looks like you actually did have a salad after all!" She then continued to inject the botox. After all the botox, she revealed a new suit. Which was specially tailored to fit his special size. He looked absolutely faboulous! She then moved on to George, from Border Patrol. George already looked pretty good. He had a decent face and body. But, he had terrible clothes. Cosima brought him a new smart-casual t-shirt and shirt combo with stylish Gucci Jeans. George looked amazing. Cosima looked at Captain Rimming. She tried to take off his hat and sunglasses but he would'nt let her. He MUST always wear his uniform. Apart from whilst rimming. Cosima has done her best job to improve the looks of our contestants, but now for the in flight game!

    Our in flight game today will be EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY! Where our 3 contestants will have to put on their life jackets in under 30 seconds, and then find the baby from under one of the 10 seats. Your 30 seconds... Starts... NOW! Eric Pickles attempts to put on his life jacket, but to no avail he's too big. George quickly puts it on, but the wrong way and cannot inflate, but Captain Rimming is doing a fine job, with the life jacket on and inflated! Eric Pickles was disqualified for not being able to get on the lifjackets properly. George and Captain Rimming were searching for the baby. Captain Rimming thought he found it but it was really just Eric Pickles's ulcer that fell off. But George secured the baby and first place!

    Now we get to meet our Rechroat Babe! Amalija Nikolic is 25 Years old and won the Red Croatian Modelling Competition in 2013. She's now going to ask Contestants 1 (Eric Pickles) 2 (George from Border Patrol) and 3 (Captain Rimming) questions about themselves, and they must answer truthfully. They were behind a large curtain.
    "Contestant 1. Would you consider yourself to be athletic?"
    "Most definitely, I perform excercise at least once to twice a decade."
    "Contestant 3. What are your hobbies?"
    "Avoiding Terrorists, Flying and Arguing with Rechroat Air Traffic Control."
    "Contestant Number 2. What's your best friend's love like like? Would you want it?"
    "My Best Friend has a boyfriend who's so hunky and goodlooking. I want all of him. I'd do him right here right now and make you watch.
    "Okay... Contestant Number 1. Would you consider yourself a healthy person?"
    "Yes definitely. Look at this Tweet!"
    "I'd like to ask you all a question. Describe your ideal date. Contestant Number 1."
    "I would go to KFC by Candlelight. There'd be nice music. There'd be dancing, we would dance. I would squash anyone. Everyone would ooh and aaw at us because we are so in love."
    "Contestant Number 2."
    "I'd go to my Friend Darren's house. He'd prepare us a lovely meal. I'd get to see Darren, his Boyfriend and his sexiness. I'd then go in the bathroom with other Darren and I'd have him right there on their toilet.
    "Contestant Number 3."
    "I'd put the plane on auto pilot, and we'd enjoy a meal at 50,000 feet in the air. The evening sun would follow us as we travelled from Saint Regina round Icholasen and back again."
    "I will have to choose... Contestant Number 1!"

    Eric Pickles stepped out from behind the Curtain and they hugged. Amalija looked dissapointed.

    Eric Pickles and our Rechroat, Amalija Nikolic. They will go to Eric Pickles's chosen venue. The Chippy on East Avenue (but with candles). Eric Pickles sat in the chair. It squeaked and strained under his giant mass. He was wearing his new outfit, which suited him surprisingly well, even though he was still ugly and large. Amalija Nikolic came in the Restaurant.
    "Hi! How are you?" Amalija
    "I'm great thanks! How are you?" Eric
    "I'm not very good. But not better for seeing you." A
    "Excuse you?" E
    "Nothing..." A
    "So, what do you want to order?" E
    "I'll have the Caesar Salad with no mayo. Mayo makes you fat." A
    "I'll have that too." E

    Eric Pickles went up to order the salads. But before they came, they got a carton of wine.
    "How are you enjoying this carton?" E
    "It's great..." A
    "This should definitely improve relations between Red Croatia and Davishire." E
    "Yeah. I'm not that in tune with politics." A
    "I can work with that... You will be if you decide to date me." E
    "HAHAHAHAHA. Eric you're so funny! You crack me up. A
    "Yeah I'm trying to make you laugh..." E

    The Salads arrived. They were put down in front of them on paper plates. Eric started talking.
    "This looks... Healthy..." E
    "I love salads it's like the only thing I eat. Apart from water." A
    "Yeah me too..." E

    Eric and Amalija had finished eating, when Eric had remembered what Cosima (the stylist) had said "You can eat all you like, but remember, after you eat you MUST say hello to little finger here." So Eric took that advise, and the finger went down... And the food came up... All over Amalija. He kept vomiting for 10 minutes, but at 7 minutes, Amalija stopped enjoying it and ran out, screaming. After two weeks we caught up with the couple.
    "How did you think the date went, Eric?"
    "I thought it went well."
    "Did she call back?"
    "No, but I think now, 2 months later she will probably call soon."

    Amalija declined to be interviewed.

    Thank you for tuning into the Mile High Club! Tune in next time or I will find out where you live and I will fly my bloody plane into your bloody house!


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