Border Patrol, Icholasen S2

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    Every day over 1 Million People fly into Saint Regina International Airport. We travel around Saint Regina Airports, and the wider United Kingdom of Icholasen as Illegal Items are all around the country. This series we will also look at the dairy use and its affects once it's in the country.

    A Polish man flying in from Poland-Lithuania has been stopped by the border patrol. He has a large amount of pipes in his luggage. He has been pulled into the office for interviewing. "Why do you have so many pipes? Are you building a bomb?" Asked Darren. "No, it is because I am the plumber." Said the Polish man. Everyone knows all Polish people are coming here because they're plumbers trying to steal all our jobs. "Your Visa is only for travel. You aren't allowed to work here as a Plumber." Responded Darren. "Then they are my Polish Cultural instruments, which I will use for recreational purposes..." Said the Polish man. A little too fluently. "If it is in fact a musical instrument. Can you play a song?" Asked Darren. The Polish man then, using the supplies he had constructed a large instrument of sorts. He then - rather impressively - played the Polish National Anthem. Darren looked impressed and for the first time on Border Patrol someone was actually let through the border.

    Darren received leads of a Dairy Cartel in Icholasen. The person he's been talking to does not wish to be identified for his own safety. "It's Icholasen-wide. All over the country. From Portland to Saint Romain. They're a large gang. All over competition has been destroyed or put out of business. They're very secret. On every street corner, selling "Souvenirs". If you ask for the "Saint Regina Glow in the Dark Naughty Marijuana Keyring", they'll then ask you to whisper what kind of dairy you want. They'll give it to you in a paper bag and tell you not to eat it until you're in a safe place, otherwise everyone will know you had dairy because you'll be farting, having a aeolian deposit or having diarrhea. Most people take dairy as it's "fun" to have these experiences, to smell the smell. It makes my boyfriend abusive. He always wants me to have some. Sometimes... I have some..." At that, what appeared to be her boyfriend came in... The scenes that continued were too shocking to show on camera. It including force feeding him ice cream and milk. He actually seemed to enjoy it.

    A Dairy Freedom Army (DFA) member was carrying a cheese bomb. Somehow he managed to get through security. The airport went on lock down. Armed security was the first to the scene. "If you shoot, I'll detonate the cheese bomb." Said the DFA Member. The armed guards held positions until the Army came in helicopters. The press also was allowed to film. The DFA Terrorists spoke to the cameras in a horrible, evil tone. _"Whilst I have an audience, I would like to make some demands. Number 1. Ice Cream shall be driven around in things called "Ice Cream Vans" this will provide children and adults alike with tasty, cold snacks. Number 2. Milk will be delivered to people's doors on every weekday. Number 3-" _ Whilst not concentrating, he was shot by a guard. The cheese bomb failed to go off. Later in the day, the Her Majesty's Icholasen Government page was hacked by the DFA. It had a video of their leader whose head was in an ice cream tub giving a speech. "Although we have failed today we will continue to operate alongside the rich dairy cartel. Saint Regina is our target and we will not fail. There will be justice for us. DAIRY WILL DEFEND! DAIRY WILL DEFEND! DAIRY WILL DEFEND!"

    The Airport have brought in new dogs that can smell dairy products. These are significant in the war on dairy. Vicky Crawford is a customs officer at Saint Regina International Airport and works alongside Jessie, a two-year-old labrador. The average Dairy seizure through an airport is probably up to 5kg. A swallower will swallow up to a kilo. A body packer will carry 2-3kg, but you do get the greedy ones who'll try to carry more. A kilo is worth ?40,000-?50,000 so it depends how much the smugglers are willing to risk losing. How close does Jessie need to be? It all depends on which way the wind's blowing. In the terminal there are all the air conditioning ducts so she could smell Dairy Products miles away. When they find something they have a classic freeze-stare. They'll put their nose on where the dairy products are and just stay there. They point with their nose. They don't bark, growl, scratch or bite. People always ask: 'Are the dogs addicted?' The dogs are trained on cheese, milk, and cream but to them it's just a smell. If we were told to search for Eric Pickles, they'd be trained on Eric Pickles.

    Today, Darren talks to us about the stats and the figures of Dairy use in the United Kingdom of Icholasen and why we shouldn't do it. "27 per cent of UKoI adults aged 16 or over have taken illegal dairy - amounting to around 13 million people. The younger the adults, the more likely they are to have taken dairy: while 46 per cent of the 16-34 age group have taken dairy at some point in their lives, only 5 per cent of people aged 55 or over have done so. The vast majority (83 per cent) of people who have ever taken illegal dairy began by taking Ice Cream. Opposition to the legalisation of Ice Cream is often fuelled by the view that it leads to the consumption of harder dairy. Among all those who have ever dabbled in dairy, Ice Cream is by far the most popular substance: 22 per cent of the population as a whole has taken Ice Cream at some point in their lives. The average UKoI adult spends ?57.56 per month on alcohol, ?21.74 per month on tobacco and ?12.17 per month on dairy - these figures include those who do not drink alcohol, smoke or use illegal dairy substances. The second most popular dairy product varies according to age and gender. Among women, it is Cheese (31 per cent), but among men it is Ice Cream (41 per cent). The Dangers of Dairy or the "Double D" is that we aren't meant to have it. So we shouldn't. Please don't. Or as the Prime Minister says 'Dairy will never be legal, get over it!'"

    Today, the Queen of Icholasen, Queen Anastasia was visiting the Border Patrol. As is regulation... She had to go through security... "Please put your bag in the tray and any coins, electronic devices, belts... Or in your case crowns along with it." Anastasia complied. She then went through the metal detector and was given a green light. She then collected her bag, her crown and her Royal Phone. She then was brought into the office of the Immigration Police, where Darren works. She was shown where they interview people and the holding cells. Also she was shown the dairy disposal room, and the vat where all the different types of dairy was melted down, at a tepid temperature and then flushed down a specialised pipe. But... there are no railings over the vat... Anastasia tripped on Darrens untied shoelaces... She fell. Quickly, the security guards jumped in to get her out. She was reported to be "Slightly ill, but stable." Darren wasn't punished and the Queen took it lightly. She had to be given a dairy patch, however.

    Thanks for Tuning in for our second series, but remember, whenever you are near an airport, you must think about all the people who keep all our borders safe from Illegal Substances. It must be a difficult job and we commend them with our highest honours.


    Darren Smith
    George Jones
    Other Darrren Smith
    Vicky Crawford
    Imperial Prussian State (Axel)
    Saint Regina International Airport
    Royal Icholasen Airlines

    (Border Patrol, Icholasen will return either Saturday or Sunday. It's still on Wednesday, just late, so don't blame me.)

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    Due to the nature of the Political situation, we will not be filming in the North of the Country from now on. All Royal Icholasen Broacasting Company's (RIBC) Radio and Television will no longer be broadcast in the North of the United Kingdom of Icholasen. But the Illegal Dairy industry is still rife in Icholasen, it is more profitable to sell Ice Cream in the south, and most dairy products are still illegal.

    Every day over 1 Million People fly into Saint Regina International Airport. We travel around Saint Regina Airports, and the wider United Kingdom of Icholasen as Illegal Items are all around the country. This series we will also look at the dairy use and its affects once it's in the country.

    Eric Pickles has been stopped once again travelling in Icholasen. This time, once again, he couldn't fit through the metal detector, but they had to conduct a special search, as this had been the second time he has been put into the special service. They have to check every inch of his body, there are quite a lot of body there, so it might take a long time... Eventually, after a guard getting lost in Eric Pickle's endless trousers, the search began. They had to x-ray him, to make sure he wasn't hiding anything internally. After the x-ray was completed, and printed, they found a suspicious looking item in his butt and mouth cavities. They had to check them both. First, they checked his mouth. The suspicious item in his mouth was only 5 leftover burgers he was saving for later. Someone had to put on the rubber glove and do it. Samantha Smith (may she rest in peace) had the unfortunate role of Eric Pickles' Anal Cavity checker. She shoved her fist up there and felt around. Eric Pickles' belly started to groan. It started to rumble. Then. Suddenly. A tidal wave of brown erupted like Mount Vesuvius in AD 79. "WOMAN DOWN! WOMAN DOWN!" Weeks later, Samantha died in hospital. Eric Pickles was free to go as he had diplomatic immunity.
    Today we are talking with an anonymous dairy dealer. How did your ?drug career? start? I started off selling Chocolate in clubs. I would buy a bar for about ?80, and sell them for ?20 per piece. This made me loads of money and I was able to have a piece and also double my money. I then went onto selling Ice Cream and Milk, which lead to Yoghurt and then Cheese. I was a normal street dealer at this point but soon wanted to get more money so I moved up the chain. I used to start buying Dairy in bulk. I remember once going up to Birmingham and buying 1kg of Ice Cream and 2kg of Cheese which cost serious money. I remember driving back thinking that I was now one of the big players. I started selling this Dairy to the street dealers and I was raking in tons of money. It wasn't without its dangers though. I owned 2 guns but never had to use them. If someone owed me money, all I would have to do is go and see them and have my gun poking out from under my t-shirt. What happened when you owed people money? I?ve been sent numerous death threats telling me to pay up or else. I?ve been robbed and run over and also had my teeth knocked out with a baseball bat.

    What happened when people owed you money? I found that when I was dealing, you sort of see yourself as high up, almost like a god. You are above everyone else so you can?t be messed around. I once worked with a complete psychopath called Jake. We were both selling Dairy but we were also badly addicted. A guy owed me and Jake money so we decided to break down his door and get it off him. Jake took an axe with him and things got a bit heated in the flat. Jake swung the axe at the guys head and by a stroke of luck the head of the axe fell off while he was swinging, so he only ended up hitting him with the wooden handle. Another time me and 3 other guys went and got a prostitute to knock on the door of someone who owed us money while we hid round the corner. When he answered we barged in and tied the guy to a chair. We basically terrorised him; we took an empty gun out and put it to his head and pulled the trigger. We also smashed his shins with a broom and cut his stereo wire and threatened to electrocute him. This person only owed us ?800. This shows how Dairy Can be dangerous.

    This episode will be finished soon.