Craticus and Rob ford shoot the shit
Around noon Rob Ford stood waiting on the Inquistian diplomat. Usually the Governor General would do this, but the incumbent was sick. They were set to meet on Ottawa island to start out.
The large man started to sweat, spring had come finally.
This was the first time Craticus was visiting Albion on Sea. He had no idea what to expect, but he knew he would meeting with Rob Ford, a man he greatly respected and loved, so he knew it would be an exciting endeavor. Rob Ford has recently admitted to Albinite media as to being "addicted to crack cocaine", and so naturally Craticus felt slightly unnerved. But he wasn't too worried. Despite having an iron-first and extremely conservative persona, Craticus is known to enjoy very secret indulgences. One only needs to remember the fiasco that went down in Icolashen when Craticus started a food fight in the dining hall, and then later got a little too close with the Rechroatian Queen.
The weather was slightly chillier than back home in the Mediterranean, but the weather was still nearly perfect. Albion was a beautiful country. Craticus enjoyed seeing actual undisturbed nature, something that didn't exist back home in the city state.
Craticus was escorted to a meeting point where he could see a round man with a red face in the distance. It must have been Rob Ford. Wearing a large smile on his face, and his arm extended, Craticus made his way to Ford.
"Good day, Mr. Ford. It's great to finally meet you. I'm such a fan."
Craticus shook Ford's hand furiously. He wasn't exaggerating either, he truly was a fan. Craticus could relate to Ford a little bit, just as unusual as it might seem. Just like Ford, Craticus has been given a hard time by media and has consistently not backed down. These were two men who truly didn't care what others thought about them.
Rob shook the mans hand, glad to see his guest looked happy.
"Welcome, this is Ottawa island. We do a lot of mining here, mainly for copper a little silver. Anyways, again welcome. Lets have a walk down to the dockyard, we will be heading to the mainland soon. I thought we could hunt near Banff, away from any prying eyes. Anything in particular you want to know? You haven't been here before after all."
The air had a strong stench of marijuana as the breeze picked up.
"Oh yeah, there's also a pot farm on this island. They grow a very strong strain with 37% THC here, called Copper Bud. We are hoping this industry will help the struggling economy."
Craticus liked what he was hearing. Inquista has no natural resources of its own to speak, which is becoming more problematic as Saint Dominico continues to rapidly grow and expand. Copper and silver, eh?, Cratiucs thought. With massive demands for natural resources, and these in particular, Craticus knew Albion could become an important trading partner.
Craticus sniffed the air.
"Ah, it's been a while since I could smell the stench of cannabis. The last time I smelled this odor, if I can recall correctly, was at a sermon actually. It's not uncommon to burn incense at a sermon, especially if it's for something important. Incenses have different kind of smells, usually infused with different kinds of oils, so I never really know what the incense is going to smell like. However, at this one particular sermon, my staff had accidentally purchased cannabis incense and hotboxed the entire Cathedral. Ironically I was doing a reading of Psalm 104:14 at the time - 'He causeth the grass to grow for the cattle, and herb for the service of man: that he may bring forth food out of the earth'.
Tell me, Mr. Ford - Rob, if I may? How often do you smoke marijuana?"
Craticus wasn't really asking a question. He was sort of hinting for an offering. Albion was known for it's weed and it is something that interested Craticus. With the new European Union cannabis laws in place, cannabis was finally being legalised in Inquista. The Inqusiatn state is going to regulate the distribution and sale of cannabis, and therefore requires a buyer. Albion on Sea is the perfect candidate to become the biggest supplier or cannabis to the biggest city of the EU - Saint Dominico.
Rob pulled out a fat joint and handed it to Craticus. "Try some of this, it is grown in Banff where we are actually heading. Light it up, I have a few more if we run out. Wait, shit where's my lighter..."
He looked at a teen resting on the beach. "Hey kid, come here." "Yeah mister?" "You wanna get high man?" "Uh.well..yeah!" "Take this bill and get a lighter from the store, I'll let you have hit the joint too then." The guy ran off so fast Rob decided he found a player for the football team he was starting.
"So, while he is gone..try this cookie." The cookie reeked, and Rob handed it over.
Just then the kid got back. "Hey, hey here I have it". Rob grabbed it and lit the joint, handing it to Craticus for the first hit. The three passed the joint and talked.
"So, you wanna hunt or what? There have been a lot of moose causing car wrecks in Banff, and our companies find it hard to replace those cars. My boat has some guns on it..hey, you can come too if you kid, we need someone to drag whatever we kill out.
Craticus was on a no-carb diet, just coming off the campaign-trail where it was important to keep himself looking good, but he couldn't resist. Despite the awful smell, the cookie actually tasted definitely normal and was surprisingly good - kind of like the average cookie. When Rob handed the joint to Craticus he admittedly had no idea what to do with it. He had smoked a cigarette before but that was ages ago. He didn't want to embarrass himself in front of Rob whom was an expert. Soon after passing the joint multiple times with Rob, Craticus relaxed more and forgot about his insecurities.
"Yeah I would love to hunt. I'm actually quite the marksman. I've shot a lot of things but never animals. Mostly just other peo- I mean, you know, mostly targets. Not human targets. Um, er, that's just, uhmm, that's just inhumane."
Craticus gave an awkward smile as he tried to cover his tracks. As a Crusader, Craticus was more than experienced with using guns. Craticus instead turned his attention to the small twerp before him.
"C'mon kid, get in the boat."
Craticus was quite excited to get his hands on some guns, so he climbed rather eagerly unto the boat.
Rob laughed. "Well, what you like to shoot at I wouldn't worry about it, now and the things die. It will be a while before we reach the shore. You feeling alright? That cookie had a few grams of weed and you smoked that joint. I have some real fun guns to shoot those damn moose with. What firearms are you used to?"
Rob looked serious for a second. "At some point we will have to speak of trade and whatever else crap guys like us have to care about."
Rob cracked a beer and went back to the wheel, waiting on a response.
"Yeah I feel fine!"
Craticus isn't feeling fine. In fact, he isn't fine at all. He has clearly overindulged way more than he should of. Craticus felt like he was greening out, but somehow managed to keep his mind in one piece by convincing himself that this was completely normal. His eyes were bloodshot red and he was feeling awfully light headed. He didn't make a fuss though and tried to act as normal as he possibly could.
"I mostly just use automatic rifles. Rifles are actually banned in Inquista; only police and army men can use them, but I've always kept one for myself. Inquista doesn't have hunting rifles, for obvious reasons, so I've been trained in using assault rifles instead."
Craticus stared at Rob, blinking.
"I'll take whatever, it'll be fine really."
"Hey, maybe you should have some coffee, you aren't looking too sharp at the minute, it will make your heart pound though. Hey pot head kid, get the man a coffee from down in the living space. The cookie will wear off soon and you'll be good. I see it in yours eyes haha, just chill out. HEY KID PUT SOME FLOYD ON FOR THE MAN TOO!"
Rob walked away from the wheel for a second. "You know..I can see why you wouldn't have hunting rifles, no worries. I usually hunt with my AK74, it does quite a good job. I have a few rifles we will check out when we get to shore. Speaking of which we are only a few mins away. "
He walked back to the wheel and set his beer down to light another joint, just as the kid returned with coffee. He handed a big mug to Craticus.
Craticus thanked the kid for bringing him coffee. He took a big sip. Rob was right, it was making his heart pound like crazy. But as per usual, Craticus kept up his external calm and collected composure, despite screaming and freaking out internally. Craticus must also admit that once the kid put on some Floyd, it did help too. "This is much better than the Fifth Harmony crap", he said whispering to himself. Good thing he wasn't in Inquista. If he uttered those words in Inquista he'd find himself permanently asleep a ditch beside a road. Either that, or he'd have to face a 53% swing in the polls against him (almost just as if he had imported the Davishirian electorate or something).
"Hunting with an AK47? Yikes. You Albinites are crazy, man. I'm looking forward to it. But of course you are right, we are here to discuss matters of state. Hopefully we can mix in work and pleasure at the same time while we hunt?"
They were finally approaching the shoreline. Craticus was getting very excited to get the political negotiations and hunting underway.
Craticus stretched out his arms to feel the breeze brush against him, but he accidentally hit the nervous kid backwards. The kid was already on edge as it is, which was no surprise as he was pretty much abducted from the other side of the shoreline, but he didn't notice Craticus quickly stretching out his arms backwards. The kid fell from the top of the boat and into the water.
Craticus immediately panicked and shot a glare at Rob. Rob was too busy at the wheel and didn't notice, except giving a small glance at Craticus when he heard a splash in the water and a slight scream. The boat must have moved directly on top of the kid, or hit him, because the scream ended every abruptly.
"Oh woops, I think I dropped my... my watch in the water. I know, my shouts tend to be so loud. I just can't help myself. It's no matter. Just keep, uh, keep directing us to the shore please."
Rob looked behind him, and saw something floating in the water. Whatever, he thought. Surely stoned teenagers aren't at risk of extinction.
"Yes, let us get to the hunt, we are docking now." Rob docked the boat as he had many times. He looked around to have someone carry the case of guns. He looked at Craticus and laughed, dragging the crate onto the pier. He opened the crate. "Choose a gun, any gun. Everything from M16s and M4s to disassembled 20mm.
"While we are walking just take a look at all of the resources we have here. Let alone the tourism potential. After you grab your gun we'll head off into the woods.
They left Floyd playing, as Comfortably Numb blared in the background.
Craticus took a careful glance at all the weapons. The M16 seemed like the largest, so naturally Craticus took that one. He attached the sling to the weapon and hung it over his shoulder. He smiled and looked at Ford, nodding in approval. He was giddy to get his hunting game on. He was waiting for Ford to lead the way.
"It's funny how you mention the potential appeal of tourism. Before I met up with you earlier I was truly taken back by the naturally beauty of Albion and I was thinking about all the potential here. Truly the most stunning environment I have ever seen. There are a lot of Inquistans who have seen nothing but concrete in their life. The only jungle many know of is the maze of high rises that topple Inquista. Granted, we do have some really nice, white sandy Mediterranean beaches. But I really think there is a lot of potential here. Although, in winter, when it is all frozen over, I imagine many of you might be itching in going somewhere warmer like Inquista. I would be interested in opening border controls between our nations, particularly for tourists wishing to visit."
"It could draw in cash both ways if we did that. I'm sure whoever is elected Governor General will support this. I'll see if the current guys secretary can handle tracking it all. There is a lot to do here, and we are set to open up a new national park when we get the funds. I'd like to actively trade to guys too, if we have anything of inter-" He got quiet quickly and looked up.
Rob leveled his AK and looked at Craticus. "See the bear watching us in those bushes? Get on the ground." Rob reached into his large jacket and pulled a lemon grenade out, throwing it in the bush and diving at the same time.
It exploded and bits of fur and flesh hit Ford and Craticus.
"God I just love the great outdoors sometimes, you know? Now all the animals will be gone though..wait! What is that hiding in that bush? I see brown, it might be a deer paralyzed scared. Shoot it!"
Craticus didn't hold back. He pointed his M16 at the bush and opened fire. What seemed like an innocent deer quickly stood up on its two back legs, and gave out a thundering welp. It somewhat resembled a bear, but seemed more like an overgrown ape. Craticus couldn't see its face, so he had no idea what he was shooting at really, but he continued to shoot with careful precision, hitting the creature's back three times. It collapsed and fell unto the ditch behind a tree.
Craticus was beyond excited. What was the creature? Has he slain the mysterious sasquatch?
Craticus pointed towards the ditch and called for an investigation. Craticus was practically skipping, while Rob was huffing and puffing trying to keep up.
"What do you think that was? A sasquatch? Not bad for my first time, isn't that right Rob?"
Rob turned pale. "Dude you shot a fucking samsquanch! Holy shit! This thing has to be worth a fortune!" The men ran up to it, only to discover a hunter in a gillie suit. "Oh shit, its a hunter...uh..he had a gun, if anyone asks, lets just tell everyone he was an assassin. How does that sound?"
Rob reached into his suit and pulled out a pot cookie. "What an exciting day so far. I think I'm ready for another beer though now."
"Oh my word", Craticus gasped. He couldn't believe it. What Rob has said is indeed true - Craticus has shot a hunter.
"Yeah I think you are right. Best we keep this between us. Besides, he doesn't seem like a Christian, so he probably had it coming anyway. Good riddance".
Craticus turned his focus on observing Rob instead. Rob was starting to drink another beer. How many beers has this man had already? More importantly, how many more could this man down? He's had quite a few already. Craticus was really impressed. Craticus has never shot at targets while being high and severely drunk before, so he was amazed as to how Ford seemed like such a natural.
"Rob, can you even walk staright, never mind aim straight?"
Craticus was just teasing, but he was slightly concerned that he may share the same fate as the poor hunter that had just been shot.
"While you continue to lead us on through this trail, tell me more about the ores and metals that Albion has. There are huge demands in the Inquistan market for metals, especially precious ones for Inquista's massive jewellry sector. There is also a lot of demand for metals such as copper and iron. There is a lot of construction going on in Inquista, and a lot of imports are becoming increasingly costly."
"Well, if he wasn't religious I'd say he was at least for a split second there haha" Rob laughed till he was red in the face.
"Oh yeah I can walk straight, but shoot straight? Eh lets see." Rob pulled a fully automatic Glock 18 out and lit up a squirrel in a big oak tree. "Well, the first shot may not have been straight but the following 15 shots were."
He started walking away. "Lets head a bit closer to the city, I'm getting hungry. Well, we have a little bit of most metals but not a fortune. We do have a solid amount of copper and silver. We have oil as well, not a lot but plenty extra. More so we have great clay for bricks and cheap but sturdy timber as well, along with all the fish you can imagine, and shit I'm hungry. We need to walk faster." Rob pulled a snickers bar out from his pocket and carried his large frame rather quickly.
Craticus could barely keep up; he was making fast strides as Ford steam rolled ahead in his hungry fury. Craticus has never seen someone this determined to eat before, except maybe the time he watched the leaked Council footage on YouTube where a satisfied Eric Pickles managed to finish off an entire vending machine.
"Fish? Oil? I like what I'm hearing Rob. It seems like Albion has all the natural resources that Inquista needs. That's the trouble with living in a city state of over 220 million people. We have the labour, and the capital, but not the resources.
"This is what I propose. We've already agreed to loosen up our borders between our nations in order to increase travel and tourism, so why don't we go a little further and open up our trade as well? While this may seem drastic, but I propose that we get rid of all trade tarrifs and barriers between our nations altogether. Albion has all the resources Inquista needs, metals, foods, oil, and Inquista produces goods that Albion will need, such information technology, machinery, cars, finished goods. Inquistans have no quells about opening up factories and polluting what little environment we have. Emissions are our speciality, so we can take that burden off Albion.
"This way, Inquistan companies can purchase Albinite resources without having to pay ridiculous prices that other countries have put up, and in return, Albinites can purchase Inquistan products for far cheaper prices than what other countries will sell them for. In addition, I can legislate laws that give Albinite companies and consumers discount prices on Inquistan goods that are made of Albinite resources - in order to prevent Albinites from getting ripped off for products that are made with their resources. In the end, Inquistans will get resources for cheaper prices, and Albion will get products that will be much cheaper too, with no barriers, an extra discount and without having to worry about manufacturing emissions."
"That sounds good and all, errgh" Rob Wheezed, "But lets discuss it at a food place hungry.." Rob went flying into a pub. "WAITER THIS IS ROB FORD, I'LL HAVE SIX PINTS OF MILD AND THREE BAKED STEAKS ASAP!"
Rob sat down, sweaty but very determined looking. People stared at the sight before them. An archbishop and a councilor, loaded up with guns, reeking of booze and weed, screaming too eat. Someone thought they saw blood on Robs shoes, but knew better than to speak up.
"Okay. Yeah, we should have lowered borders and no tarrifs. If Inquistians wish to visit Albion, all that is required is an ID card and enough money to survive at least a week, or to get home if need be. How does that sound? Trudeau owes me, I'm sure once he wins..and we all know he is going to..I'm sure he will sign all of this int-" The fat mans steak had arrived, and was entering his stomach faster than the second steak could show up. Every few minutes he washed it down with beer.
Craticus doesn't usually eat much, mostly because Inquistans typically ridicule anyone that doesn't have a size 0 waist (people with a waist size above 0 in Inquista are typically labeled as being obese). However, Craticus' was suffering from a major case of munchies and was itching to get some food into his stomach. Craticus joined Ford in chowing down food. He ordered a steak, a salmon, onion rings and a few beers. Ford took up all the space as it is, so there was very little room to fit all the food. This didn't seem to be a problem for long though, because Ford ate most of the food the second it landed on the table and finished it all off before the next course arrived.
"Haha I'm glad you liked my proposal", Craticus laughed as he watched Ford double fist two pints.
"So, Rob. Let's stop chatting politics just for a second. From man-to-man, I want to know a little something. Tell me about this Ms Cheryl Pointer lady, the ambassador of Framptonia. I've heard her foreign office is just below yours. She's not the only Framptonian woman that you're, uh, umm... frickle frackling, is she? I've also heard stories about you and the Framptonian Councillor, Ms. Bareham. Just stories. But I've never heard it from the source. Is this all true? I'm just dying to know."