Denes Nad Pravoslaviya
FR. TRIFON: TAYLOR SWIFT 'ALIVE IN PRAVOSLAVIYA'
04.10.2015 ::: BELOGRADCHIK, PRAVOSLAVIYA ::: Popular Orthodox cleric and baker Fr. Trifon Semberats has claimed that Nicoleizian popstar Taylor Swift, who according to The Celestial Body died earlier today in a plane crash in the Teutonic State, is in fact alive and living in Pravoslaviya. Fr. Trifon, 48, has previously gained headlines for claiming that the rapper Tupac and former European Commissioner Eric Pickles, both thought dead, are also alive in Pravoslaviya, and called a press conference this evening where he claimed to have met with Swift. According to Fr. Trifon, Swift, 25, has "left her old life in the decadent Icholasen behind to live and make music in her true homeland, Pravoslaviya," adding that she is content to let "Western audiences" believe she is dead. "She is dead to them, and they are dead to her," said the priest. Instead of flying to the Teutonic State as believed, Semberats continued, the musician chose to make her way to Pantokrator International Airport in Kralyevets, where she disembarked using a disguise, and was then driven by fans in Pravoslaviya, including Fr. Trifon, to her new home on the northeastern coast of the country; while a body double flew to the Teutonic State and crashed into a mountain, giving their life for their employer. Swift allegedly now lives with Tupac and Eric Pickles as co-owner of a fish-and-chips restaurant.
Swift's 'message' to Pravoslaviya in full:
"You may hear in false news reports from organisations that spread lies and falsehoods and obscure the truth for Pravoslaviya that I, Taylor Swift, am dead. This is false, although I am content to be considered dead by the nation and the world that I have left behind. They too are dead to me. I am alive, here with you and with Tupac, glorified in the eternal PRAVOSLAVIYA. I don't even remember for how long, but I know - deep down in my heart, wherever I was born and wherever I was raised, I have always been Pravoslaviyan. I have always felt a connection to this pure land where the people have been alone with God, practising the one true ORTHODOX faith, for 12,000 years. I wish, and I hope that you allow it, that I be able to share in the reflective glory of your - my - ancient and perfect land. I also wish to help in cleansing your nation of the Westernising filth that permeates the world that I have left, and to remove institutions and false prophets who would put Pravoslaviya under foreign occupation and who would help spread the deformed lies that deny Pravoslaviya its long and glorious history. Pravoslaviyans are truly the first, and the greatest, and the noblest race on Earth, and I hope only that by living amongst you I can share in your nobility. I am here with my friend, Tupac, who encouraged me to come to Pravoslaviya to make pure music that will promote the truth and call on God to unveil once and for all the greatness of the Pravoslaviyan people. I ask that the truly Orthodox among you pray for your country, for me, for Tupac, for my best friend of all Fr. Trifon Semberats, and for the body double who tragically died so that I may live here with you. LONG LIVE PRAVOSLAVIYA -- ORTHODOXY OR DEATH!
ELECTION RESULTS: PKP WIN WITH REDUCED MAJORITIES
04.10.2015 ::: KRALYEVETS, PRAVOSLAVIYA ::: Prime Minister Apostol Tsrvenovski will return for another four years in power after winning a convincing victory in elections for both chambers of Parliament today. The centre-right Patriotic Congress of Pravoslaviya (PKP) will, however, be disappointed to find that it has lost the two-thirds majority in the Senate that it needs to change the Constitution unilaterally, meaning that any further changes will have to pass with the support of opposition parties. In his victory speech this evening, Tsrvenovski, 50, thanked God for the results, which he called "a vindication for the hundreds of patriots who gave their lives for Pravoslaviya in 2001." Commenting on the loss of the supermajority in the Senate, the Prime Minister told party faithful that "we must accept that we are a modern, democratic, European country. Opposition is something we must always welcome in Pravoslaviya, and I look forward to working with our friends in other parties to keep our country, which we all share, on the road of European development." He has, however, ruled out working with the Communists (KPT) or with the Pomak & Minority Electoral Action (IAPM) group, denouncing both as "unpatriotic."
Tsrvenovski, who has ruled Pravoslaviya since the post-war elections of 2002 swept him and the then-new PKP to office, will command the loyalty of 122 Deputies and 36 Senators, the party's lowest totals ever in both houses. Most disappointingly, with only 53% of the vote, the PKP failed to even manage an absolute majority among the 15 Senators (a quarter of the chamber) elected this evening, with only 7 PKP Senators replacing the 12 who had served since 2007. Nonetheless, the ruling party managed a 43% margin of victory in the Senatorial elections and a 51% margin in the Chamber of Deputies election, as the Social Democrats (SDP) struggled to make gains. Though they gained a Senator despite a slightly reduced proportion of the vote, the SDP will be ruing the loss of five Deputies, including long-term senior party figure Tose Dimitrov. The IAPM, meanwhile, had a catastrophic result, losing almost half their representation in the Chamber of Deputies despite only a small drop in vote share and failing to pick up an extra Senator. Once again, Pomak voters appear to have stayed home in droves, apparently disenchanted with the failure of the IAPM to deliver the Pomaks the concessions they desire. The Communists also struggled and are now the smallest party in Parliament, but will be pleased to pick up an extra Senator. The real winners on the night, however, are the the 'radical patriotic' National Movement - Purity (NDC) and the populist League Against Corruption (LPK), the former coming within a seat of supplanting the SDP as the Official Opposition, and the latter more than doubling their vote share in the Chamber of Deputies and tripling their seat haul. Both parties also made inroads in the Senate.
Dzvinomir Aleksandrov of the Social Democratic Party announced his resignation in his concession speech, declaring that "the Left has gone backwards this time. That is unacceptable. Me continuing in that light is also unacceptable." By contrast, IAPM leader Muhammad Rusev insisted that he "must" continue as leader and that he will "fight the insidious efforts to undermine [him] to the last," despite a number of leading figures, such as Pasha Cetinov and Ahmad Palazli, calling for him to go. No such leadership concerns were present at the LPK's open-air rally, where eccentric billionaire Simeon Vukov launched into a two-hour long rambling 'victory speech', in which he referred to other party leaders as "pigs," called out Pomaks as "like dinner party guests who throw what you give them back in your face and demand haute cuisine for them and them only," demanded Pravoslaviya form a "national sovereignty bloc" in Europolis, and envisaged how "in 2023 we will have two thirds in both houses and we will end corruption, end the parties, and return power to the people." He also advocated restoring the title 'People's Republic' despite his staunch monarchism. A similarly optimistic mood was in the air at the NDC function, where leader Metodi Pravoslav addressed his party's uniformed 'civil guard' division, the Patriotic Guard. Pravoslav told the Guard that "we are inches from restoring the nation" and ordered those assembled to "go back to your locales, keep clean, and get ready for government!"
Election results in full:
And the new Parliament:
LPK DEPUTIES CAUSE FRACAS IN CHAMBER
08.11.2015 ::: KRALYEVETS, PRAVOSLAVIYA ::: Chaos struck the Chamber of Deputies today when deputies from the League Against Corruption (LPK) group unleashed tear gas in the chamber. Having unsuccessfully attempted to delay a debate on a new press regulation charter by screaming whenever the Speaker tried to announce the start of the debate, the LPK group resorted to throwing tear gas towards the PKP faction seats. A number of Deputies were injured by the tear gas and three ambulances were called to the Parliament building. In the confusion sparked by the tear gas, scuffles broke out between deputies from the Pomak & Minority Electoral Action (IAPM) and National Movement "Purity" (NDC) factions; four further ambulances were called for Pomak deputies who had suffered injuries during the altercation. A number of deputies, including LPK leader Simeon Vukov and NDC leader Metodi Pravoslav, were arrested, but all except IAPM deputy leader Islam Salih - who remains in hospital overnight with leg injuries - have since been released without charge. The NDC led a rally calling for Salih to be "executed for treason and attempted murder" outside the Tsrvenovski Hospital in central Kralyevets this evening, with Pravoslav declaring that "this sort of psychotic violence is in their nature, in their religion, and we must stamp it out" to a cheering crowd. Though the Attorney-General has insisted that Salih will not face the death penalty nor be charged with either crime, he has pledged that "disrespect for our national chamber will not be tolerated."
Leaving the police station and expecting no action to be taken against him, Simeon Vukov was defiant. "We cannot allow the old order to prop themselves up through censorship. You see, by throwing that tear gas we have made even the PKP-controlled media listen up! Now they cannot keep quiet about censorship or corruption or LPK, and they cannot keep protecting the Pomaks from the consequences of their own actions. Islam Salih outed himself today as an ungrateful, violent toad. He must leave the Chamber of Deputies and go to jail, with the PKP. The Pravoslaviyan people cannot be denied their country any longer." When asked about the NDC protest, Vukov was dismissive: "of course we can work with the NDC, but they are utterly consumed by the Pomak issue. National liberation and glorifying the patriots who have laid down their lives for Pravoslaviya takes more than that."
Internal Affairs Minister Todor Torlak, meanwhile, suggested that the fracas this evening was "emblematic of the Opposition". Torlak tweeted: "Today LPK/NDC/Pomaks acting like kids & fighting in Chamber. No respect from Oppo. Only PKP level-headed, trustworthy."
TAYLOR SWIFT: I AM ALIVE IN PRAVOSLAVIYA, NOT ICHOLASEN
07.01.2016 ::: BELOGRADCHIK, PRAVOSLAVIYA ::: Nicoleizian popstar Taylor Swift (pictured above) has issued a press statement denying recent reports from Icholasen alleging that she is, in fact, alive in her home country. On last Sunday's episode of the Nicoleizian Broadcasting Corporation's Sunday Politics show, hosted by Stephanie de Vey, a woman introduced as "Taylor Swift, who is in fact alive" claimed that she was Swift and insisted that the Nicoleizian Ministry of Eurovoice had tried to kill her. Though claiming to be the Shake It Off singer, the woman admitted that she had had extensive plastic surgery in Inquista to make herself look like Swift, but asserted that this was necessary to regain her skin following the supposed plane crash that had supposedly claimed her life last year. She also called for a '50 Dominions of Icholasen' that would dominate the entire continent of Europe, presumably including Pravoslaviya.
These supposed revelations led to major protests in all of Pravoslaviya's major cities that have continued throughout the week. Patriots proudly flew the Pravoslaviyan flag and raised banners with slogans such as 'TAYLOR SWIFT ALIVE IN PRAVOSLAVIYA', 'DEATH TO ICHOLASEN IMPOSTORS', 'REMOVE ICHOLASEN FROM THE PREMISES', 'TUPAC NOT AFRAID OF ICHOLASEN WIZARD', and 'WE KILL THE ICHOLASEN HORSES; YOU WILL NEVER FIND THE PRAVOSLAVIYA HORSES'. The Nicoleizian flag was routinely burned, along with images of the 'False Taylor'. Prime Minister Apostol Tsrvenovski stayed away from the protests, but has called on the Nicoleizian government to arrest the woman claiming to be Taylor Swift for 'identity theft'. Other patriotic parties were more bellicose, with the new leader of the League Against Corruption, multi-billionaire Dragan Trympov, calling Icholasen a "loser state that can't get over how everyone there that makes a success of themselves wants to leave and come to Pravoslaviya." Trympov, speaking at a protest in Belogradchik, the city nearest Swift's location, called Tsrvenovski a "dummy" for failing to attend any of the protests, arguing that the Prime Minister "is so in thrall to the establishment that he can't get anything right. He won't stand up for Pravoslaviya against the Pomaks or against impostors from Icholasen. He's very low-energy and he can't make Pravoslaviya great again." Sharing a stage with Trympov was NDC leader Metodi Pravoslav, who dismissed Icholasen as an "impure" country that "has created its own artificial Taylor Swift to keep its degenerate music industry alive". A poll conducted for Denes Nad Pravoslaviya showed that 87% of Pravoslaviyans believe that Taylor Swift is alive in Pravoslaviya, with only 6% believing that she is dead, and 2% believing that the Icholasen claimant is in fact the real Taylor Swift. 5% of people preferred not to offer an opinion.
Fr. Trifon Semberats, baker, priest, and spokesman for Swift and the rapper Tupac, joined Pravoslav and Trympov on stage to read a message from the 'real' Swift:
"Taylor Swift speaks to you. I am alive in Pravoslaviya. The woman claiming to be me in Icholasen is not me. She is a dangerous impostor who has made it her life's mission to undermine the nation of PRAVOSLAVIYA, the ORTHODOX faith, and the AUTHENTIC MUSIC that Tupac and I are making for the Pravoslaviyan people. This vile pretender intends to DESTROY the Pravoslaviyan people by promoting DEGENERATE music that denies the true 12,000 year history of Orthodox Pravoslaviya. Her wildest dreams are to put the whole world, except Icholasen itself, under foreign occupation. Her lies and falsehoods are aimed squarely at letting degeneracy and impurity overthrow Europe and Pravoslaviya in particular, thus paving the way for our national destruction at the hands of ISLAM and the Pomaks. Do we want the babies born today to suffer that when they are 22? No! I urge the Pravoslaviyan people to stand strong and not listen to the lies emanating from this beast, the Anti-Swift. Know that you are the first and purest nation of the world. I likewise urge the Nicoleizian people to pay no heed to this lying freak, her grotesque face obscured by an unnatural mask of plastic, a blank space between her fake ears. Reject her and reject the degeneracy that she will promote; visit Pravoslaviya and witness the truth of our history; convert to Orthodoxy and accept that killing the impostor is a most Christian duty; and bask in the reflective glory of God's chosen people. I have found that this is the only way to happiness and security, here in Pravoslaviya, the land of
milk andhoney. Admit the Pravoslaviyan truth, and there need be no bad blood between Icholasen and Pravoslaviya, but rather a love story between our nations and God. I would like to thank Fr. Semberats and Tupac for their personal support, and Messrs. Trympov and Pravoslav for defending me and the Pravoslaviyan people in the face of these lies. Pray for me, for them, and for Pravoslaviya. I can only resolve to shake off the offensive assertions of this vile impostor. Though the Pravoslaviyan nation is not yet out of the woods, I truly believe that Orthodoxy will never go out of style. Please buy my new album called 'TO THE PATRIOTS WHO GAVE THEIR LIVES FOR PRAVOSLAVIYA IN THE SACRED WAR OF 2001', produced by Tupac, when it is released next month. LONG LIVE PRAVOSLAVIYA - ORTHODOXY OR DEATH!
TRYMPOV: BISHOP KARINN LALLANA 'VERY SAD'
20.01.2016 ::: NOVI GOD, PRAVOSLAVIYA ::: The Taylor Swift debacle expanded to include Inquista today, as LPK leader Dragan Trympov criticised Inquistan Green Party leader Bishop Karinn Lallana at a rally in Novi God. The real estate magnate, 69, who has seen the populist, anti-corruption party surge in the polls since the death of its former leader, fellow tycoon Simeon Vukov, told a crowd of supporters that he believed that Bp. Lallana had undergone botched plastic surgery in an attempt to resemble Swift.
Speaking as part of his "Meet Dragan" tour of the country, Trympov - who has surged into second place in the polls with 15% of the vote, only 40 percentage points behind the ruling PKP - was asked by an audience member about allegations that Denes Nad Pravoslaviya had printed an image of Lallana instead of Swift in its article on 7th January regarding the appearance of a horribly-disfigured rival Swift in Icholasen. Trympov, who spoke out angrily about the "impostor," was also asked to comment on reports from News From The City that the plastic surgeon allegedly responsible for the Nicoleizian claimant's plastic surgery had come forward. The businessman opined that "it's obvious what's happened. This so-called Bishop - well, I don't know if she's a Bishop or not, but she's certainly not Orthodox - she must be the one that he's performed surgery on! I mean, look at her face, it's awful. Clearly a botched job, am I right? I mean, you all saw the picture in the newspaper! It's really very sad, that this old woman's gone to some Inquistan quack and said 'oh, oh, I want to look like Taylor Swift, I want to be young again', and he's done it and she comes out looking like that. She must be very sad for herself and now she's taking it out on Pravoslaviya. It's a shame, it really is. And now this quack, and you don't know what's going on in his head - and I don't think we want to know - he's gone off saying he's treated the impostor woman in Icholasen. Perhaps because he wants publicity or maybe he just hates Pravoslaviya. He clearly can't get anything right. And shame on this newspaper - and let me tell you, this is just typical of the media - to then repeat those comments."
Trympov blamed the confusion outside Pravoslaviya on the government, arguing that "the whole affair is disgusting and it's all because Pravoslaviya doesn't stand up for the truth any more. And that's because the PKP are complacent, the SDP are total losers, and everyone's scared of the Pomaks. It's time these countries - Icholasen, Inquista, whatever - got cancelled, and if everyone knew the truth of Belogradchik, it'd happen. But why is our government and our establishment not interested? Because they're all in it for themselves, to keep power and get money, and they're all funded by the mafia and the billionaires. It's got to stop!" The LPK leader's comments were later commended by Metodi Pravoslav, leader of the National Movement - Purity, who said that "Pomak lies and falsehoods" were "spreading like a virus throughout Europe because Pravoslaviya won't stand up for itself in its own country." Both Trympov and Pravoslav have advocated making it illegal, punishable by 22 years in prison, to deny the presence of Taylor Swift or Tupac in Pravoslaviya.
ISASTER AS 300+ MIGRANTS KILLED IN CASPIAN SHIPWRECK
09.05.2016 ::: TSETINYE, PRAVOSLAVIYA ::: At least 336 migrants, overwhelmingly originating from Dromund Kaas, have died as the overweight boat on which they were travelling capsized around 30 km from the Pravoslaviyan coast at Tsetinye. It is believed that they were attempting to reach Pravoslaviya in order to claim asylum. No survivors have been found, and after ten hours, the search is expected to be called off soon. Prime Minister Apostol Tsrvenovski has sent his condolences to the Kaasian people in a press statement, and has commended the ultimately unsuccessful efforts of the emergency services.
Tsrvenovski has come in for criticism in the wake of the disaster for his policy of opposing the taking in of Kaasian refugees. Pravoslaviya, which lies across the Caspian Sea from the warzone, is one of a number of attractive targets for those leaving Dromund Kaas, but any boats found nearing the Pravoslaviyan coast are turned away. Among other options, Angleter has refused to take any Kaasian refugees and instead operates refugee camps in the Kaasian territory which it occupies; while Duxburian-occupied areas are a favoured destination for those hoping to be relocated to the Duxburian Union proper. Neighbouring countries like Inimicus and the Großdeutsches Reich; as well as Halsberg, which lies on the north shore of the Caspian; are also natural targets. Some boats have even been seen travelling around Africa to Australia, and it has been suggested that Pravoslaviya would merely be the first step on a long land route into the wealthier heart of Europe. Despite these options, the SDP, IAPM, and Communist parties, in addition to a number of left-wing civil organisations, have called for a "more humane" policy of "allowing the refugees to land on the Pravoslaviyan coast and be processed fairly."
The Prime Minister has dismissed such suggestions, arguing that "while this is a tragic occurrence, it is not our fault". Speaking of the inherent risk of such boat journeys, Tsrvenovski said that an increased prospect of reaching Pravoslaviya "would certainly lead to more boats, and with more boats, more deaths," adding that "processing and deporting is not so simple when you have an illegitimate regime in DK, no clear alternative government, and migrants with no documentation at all." Tsrvenovski then addressed prospective Kaasian migrants personally, saying "do not come to Pravoslaviya. Do not get on a boat. You might die. You might not die. But you absolutely will not get into this country." Nonetheless, questions have been raised about the coastguard's ability to handle an ever-increasing number of boats - at least 1,000 migrants have already slipped through its patrols and reached Pravoslaviya since the start of April, where they have either gone underground, or been captured and held in migrant detention centres, as they await processing.
Patriotic parties have, however, demanded that Tsrvenovski do more to stop the boats. Metodi Pravoslav, of the National Movement - Purity, told Denes Nad Pravoslaviya that "any and all options should be on the table, as far as stopping the boats is concerned. We cannot let Kaasians, Sithians, into our country. They are not Pravoslaviyan and they can never be. It is no surprise that the Pomaks want loads of them to come in and undermine our nation. The patriots of 2001 gave their lives for Pravoslaviya, not some state of Pomak Kaas or whatever." Dragan Trympov, however, suggested some radical ideas for stopping the boats. "Now, it's clear the coast guard can't work with one hand tied behind their back. It's disgraceful, you know? Our coast guard are trying to save this country and Retard Apostol and his Pomak friends are stopping them. Disgusting. Anyway, what happens if they say, 'turn around', and the migrants say 'no'? I mean, I wouldn't blame them! Just say 'no, we're coming to Pravoslaviya and there's nothing you can do about it.' They'll let 'em through! They'll let 'em through! Because that's what Apostol wants, he says, don't shoot! Well, I say, shoot! Warning shots, obviously, at first. But we need to make it clear we're serious and you've gotta turn back! I tell you, actually, if we're really serious, here's what we do. We man certain sea routes in and out, as much as we can control. And the rest, we set up a cordon so many kilometres out, and we put, like, land mines all along there. Sea mines, I suppose you call them. So either you go where our coast guard can stop you, and if you don't stop then we'll shoot or, I don't know, torpedo you; or you go where our coast guard can't control, and BOOM! Am I right? That'd work, right?"
Tsrvenovski has expressed "outrage" at Trympov's comments, calling them "evil," but polling shows that over 60% of Pravoslaviyans support using lethal force to stop migrants reaching the shore. Metodi Pravoslav has also refused to condemn Trympov, saying that "all options should be on the table, and they are certainly options that merit strong consideration," that lethal force is "an acceptable deterrent," and that Trympov "is ultimately motivated not by hate, but by love for his country and the patriots that died for it 15 years ago. He is trying to keep the country clean and hygienic, and that is only good. We put the cancer in remission in 2001 and it will take people like myself and Dragan Trympov to stop it growing again and becoming terminal." Polling has also shown a steep drop in support for Tsrvenovski, who is now polling at only 45%. Trympov's League Against Corruption has risen to 20%, the highest support for an opposition party in several years; while the NDC stands at 12%, the SDP at 9%, the IAPM at 8%, the Communists at 4%, and others are on 2%.
LALLANA ATTACKS TRYMPOV, TRYMPOV RESPONDS IN TWEETS
07.08.16 ::: ST DOMINICO, INQUISTA ::: Inquistan Orthodox Bishop Karinn Lallana, leader of the Inquistan Green Party, has resumed her public feud with League Against Corruption leader Dragan Trympov, in a speech at St Dominico this morning.
In a tirade largely directed against the Inquistan leader, the popular Archbishop Paul Craticus, Bishop Lallana denounced policies that she considers discriminatory against the poor, women, minority groups, and migrants, denouncing her own episcopal superior as ‘no Christian man’, and prophesying that Archbishop Craticus would soon ‘force us to begin persecuting our own’. She compared Craticus’ policies to those of Dragan Trympov, whom she called ‘a liar, a slanderer, and… a danger’, with a ‘severely warped vision’. In a comment aimed at both Archbishop Craticus and Mr Trympov, Bishop Lallana argued that ‘there is no humanity in these kinds of politicians’.
Bishop Lallana’s own vision, she claimed, was partially inspired by the person claiming to be Taylor Swift in Icholasen. Asserting that ‘we all belong on this planet, together as one, regardless of our beliefs, creeds and personal identities’, Bishop Lallana continued by praising Ms Swift’s impostor and her ‘message of hope’, and drew similarities between the socialist impostor’s call for a revolution in Icholasen, and her own belief in a Green revolution in Inquista.
Bishop Lallana’s comments have drawn ire in Pravoslaviya, particularly for her false assertion that Pravoslaviya is ‘a country where refugees are literally being blown out of seas’, and implication that the international community should react to said non-existent phenomenon. Dragan Trympov, one of Bishop Lallana’s main targets, has responded angrily, firing off a series of tweets this lunchtime where he highlighted Bishop Lallana’s error, expressed relief that this newspaper’s erroneous decision to use an image of Bishop Lallana captioned ‘Taylor Swift’ was false, and blasted the ‘migrants + minorities first’ politics of the Inquistan Greens and the Nicoleizian Socialists, which he claimed was unpopular.
Perhaps prompted by Mr Trympov linking him in with Bishop Lallana and ‘Fake Taylor’, Prime Minister Apostol Tsrvenovski has himself responded to the Inquistan opposition leader’s comments in a press conference. Mr Tsrvenovski called Bishop Lallana’s comments about migrant boats ‘a false slur on the Pravoslaviyan nation that warrants an immediate and unreserved apology’, but further agued that ‘certain individuals in Pravoslaviyan politics would do well to have the nation’s image in mind when they speak so boldly’. He also insisted that Taylor Swift ‘is alive in Pravoslaviya’, and expressed ‘complete and utter relief’ that ‘the people of Icholasen have seen through the disguise and ensured that their nation will not be led by a fraud’.
Mr Trympov, however, has since responded angrily to Mr Tsrvenovski’s comments, arguing that ‘I can’t be held responsible for what some idiot in some other country doesn’t know about Pravoslaviya’, and accused the Prime Minister of ‘cheap, corrupt politics’. Much like the Inquistan Green Party, Mr Trympov’s populist League Against Corruption is surging in the polls, having risen to 27% against the governing PKP’s 39%. The NDC stand on 12%, the IAPM on 8%, the SDP on 7%, and the Communists on 5%.
FIRST MIGRANT BOAT TORPEDOED, ESTIMATED 200+ DEAD
30.12.16 ::: KRALYEVETS, PRAVOSLAVIYA ::: The office of new Prime Minister Metodi Pravoslav has confirmed that a migrant boat was torpedoed by the Navy earlier this afternoon after it "repeatedly refused" to turn around.
Warning shots were fired at the boat, which purportedly hailed from the troubled country of Dromund Kaas, around 1300 Kralyevets time, after it had encroached into Pravoslaviyan waters. This was just six hours after Prime Minister Pravoslav implemented the policy of threatening, and then using, force to deter boats; his first act upon taking office. After the boat continued on course, Navy officials say, the boat was torpedoed at 1305 Kralyevets time. There were no survivors, and attempts to recover the bodies are ongoing.
According to Navy officials, the boat appeared to have between 200 and 250 migrants packed onto it. They confirmed that some remains have been recovered, but that it is too early to say how many bodies have been found and how many remain to be recovered. The migrants' belongings, recovered from the wreckage, confirmed that at least some of them were Kaasians of the Sithian sect.
Metodi Pravoslav has defended the policy, saying that "this is a tragedy, yes. However, we expect it will be an effective deterrent. Thousands of people have died in the Caspian in recent years because they've got on ships believing that they will get a better life in Pravoslaviya. Now it's clear. We will no longer tolerate these boats. They will not get to Pravoslaviya. So what we will see happen in the coming months is a reduction in the number of boats - hopefully to zero - and ultimately thousands of lives being saved."
However, Dzvinomir Tersk, a Social Democratic Senator, tore into the policy, calling it "barbaric" and "evil" in a fiery Parliament sitting this evening. He said that "Metodi Pravoslav and his minion Dragan Trympov have the blood of hundreds of innocent civilians on their hands. They must answer for this, to the people, to the world, and to God. Our country is ruled by murderers; serial killers who want to massacre refugees for political gain. It is becoming increasingly clear that the election this week was the start of a dark era in this country's history; a stain which we will never be able to wipe off our souls."
Tersk's words earned the ire of several NDC and LPK Senators, who started a brawl with the SDP caucus. Tersk was arrested for 'assault' and 'incitement to violence' after the altercation, and is being kept in the hospital wing of HMP Pantokrator overnight; he is also likely to face legal action from Pravoslav and Trympov for the 'defamation' of calling them "murderers" and "serial killers". Two other SDP Senators are also spending a night in the cells.
IN FULL: METODI PRAVOSLAV SPEECH IN TSRVENSK TODAY
Metodi Pravoslav commented on European response to his government's torpedoing of a Kaasian refugee boat last week, an act which killed at least 242 migrants, in a victory rally speech in Tsrvensk today. He also spoke about the IAPM's decision to walk out of Parliament yesterday in protest at legislation aimed at closing down Turkish-language schools, and of the 'Pomak and Turk National Convention' supposedly being held by IAPM officials later this week. We reprint his speech here in full.
“Thank you! Good afternoon! Tsrvensk is with us!”
“What a week it is been. What a glorious victory we’ve had. The people of Tsrvensk, and the rest of the nation, have heard their country calling. The whole nation is under attack, and we are so glad that you have come to join us in its defence.”
“But I want to talk today about the hardships we face. When I said the whole nation was under attack, I meant it. The last few days have seen all sorts of countries in Europe tell us how to run our migration policy. They’re saying no to the torpedo – migrants come first!”
“But these countries condemn us for an act which was truly justified. They say we should be more 'humane', but the most humane thing to do is to stop the boats trying to cross the open sea. Even if the number of boats is halved, the torpedo will have saved many hundreds more lives than were on that boat last week."
“The really inhumane people are the sanctionists and their fellow-travellers, who are now pledging to take millions of Kaasians into their countries. None of these governments are doing so with the consent of their people. Bringing in enough Sithians to change the demographics of their countries forever, taking them from a brutal, backward, war-torn dictatorship. They have no mandate to do this.”
“So there will be blood, and the blood will be on their hands. For the civil unrest in their countries, in Pravoslaviya, and for all the deaths on the open seas. Because look at Sitanova and Derecta – just downstream from us! As migrants once came to Pravoslaviya to live here, so now they might come here to pass through and head for the promised land of Sitanova or Derecta. How irresponsible! We had a serious chance at stopping the boats and saving thousands of lives, but the sanctionists are doing their best to blow that chance out of the water!”
“So let’s hear no more from the sanctionists. Our whole nation is under attack, and soon they will know how that feels. Perhaps once their Trojan Horses have opened up, they will be less keen to slam us for stopping the invasion force in its tracks. We defended ourselves last week against an invasion force, and we will continue to do so. Sanctions from regimes intent on national suicide mean nothing. We will prevail.”
“To the indigenous peoples of Derecta, Australia, Sitanova, Turkmenbaijan, I can only offer my solidarity. You can throw off the shackles of national suicide regimes. We did it here in Pravoslaviya, and now we are a beacon of hope to patriots across the region. You can follow in our footsteps and save yourselves – just do it before the cancer becomes terminal.”
“Now, I would like to turn my attention to the fact that the Pomaks and Turks have picked up their ball and gone home. Why do they not sit in this Parliament? Is it that they are afraid of patriots? Their game has been found out! No more can they use outside allies, traitors, and high finance to rule over us.”
“So yes, we are implementing a patriotic agenda. I have already ordered local administrations to demolish all minarets and ban the construction of new mosques. I have already started the investigation into extremist mosques. And today we are passing the legislation to, effective from the summer holidays, close the Turkish schools and integrate the religious ones into the national system!”
“Let the minorities have their pantomime ‘national council’ tomorrow. It will do nothing, because they are not a nation. Not here. This is our nation, our soil! Remember we were once all the same, all indigenous Pravoslavians, before the Turks came. Some of us remained steadfast, resistant in the face of invasion, like the patriots of 2001. Their blood courses through our veins, as pure as it was 10,000 years ago.”
“Those who lacked the right gene collaborated. They embraced the occupier in their heads, in their hearts, and in their souls. Every generation we offer the hand of forgiveness and redemption, and every time they shit on it, because with every generation of inbreeding, the de-Pravoslavianisation gets worse and worse. Anyone who has done basic biology knows this.”
“So if they will not return to the nation, let them live here as guests. But let them know they are guests, not masters. We will never again let them have mastery over us. Not for the first time, the whole nation is under attack. But this time, against sanctionists and migrant boats, against insurrectionist Turks and Pomaks, against internal traitors, we will prevail! We will put the cancer back into remission! And we will be a shining light to the world!”
"WE REPRESENT OUR CITIZENS": PAKRATS RESPONDS TO TURKMENBAIJAN
04.01.17 ::: BELOGRADCHIK, PRAVOSLAVIYA ::: Foreign Minister Bilyana Pakrats has responded brusquely to an 'official demand' from Turkmenbaijan that the government reverse its decision to close the Turkish schools at the end of the current school year.
Speaking on a tour of a machine parts exporter in Belogradchik, Pakrats passed onto the Turkmenbaijani government the Prime Minister's gratitude for their congratulating him on his election victory last week. However, she soon turned to the matter of Arkhamnamabad's demand, saying that "no other country can go around saying they speak for, or represent, or are the appointed protectors of, any subset of the citizenry of Pravoslaviya. We represent our citizens. Nobody else. To say otherwise is undiplomatic and destabilising. When we say 'whole nation under attack', this is precisely what we mean. We have to reassert that sovereignty over the entire land and water of Pravoslaviya, over every ethnic group in Pravoslaviya, belongs solely to the state of Pravoslaviya."
Dealing with the substance of the Turkmenbaijani demand, Pakrats commented that "what we are doing is basic common sense. The Pravoslaviyan state exists first and foremost to ensure the survival and development of the Pravoslavian nation, language, and culture, here in our own country. Of course we give all our citizens the rule of law, civil rights, defence, healthcare. And parents can raise their children in whatever language they like at home, and if they want them educated in a foreign language then they can have a private school or do homeschooling or whatever. We're not banning the Turkish language. But it is silly for us to put Pravoslavian public funds towards a separate school system for people who want their children educated in a foreign tongue. We want one integrated school system, secular and in the national language of this country."
Pakrats added that "we would never say we're the representative of all ethnic Pravoslavians, or all Slavs, in Turkmenbaijan and demand that all those people get taxpayer-funded education in Pravoslavian, or whatever Slavic language. We would never expect Turkmenbaijan to do that. And they should not expect us to do what they're talking about."
PRAVOSLAVIYA REJOICES AT ECOJ VERDICT
14.04.2017 ::: EUROPOLIS, EUROPOLIS ::: Pravoslaviyans have been celebrating in the streets after the European Court of Justice ruled in the government’s favour over the torpedoing of a migrant boat in December.
The country of Gallambria petitioned the ECoJ against Pravoslaviya in January, alleging that Metodi Pravoslav’s government had broken various clauses of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights by torpedoing the boat. The government argued forcefully that it had acted entirely within the confines of the Constitution.
With just hours before the end of the Court’s term, an event which would have led the case to expire with no verdict, the Court ruled by 2-1 that the government was not guilty of all charges, on the grounds that the Kaasian migrants were not EU citizens and therefore not protected by the UDoHR. The Court made no statement on whether the actions would have contravened the UDoHR if the Kaasians had been considered EU citizens. Chief Justice Kelander and Justice Dance formed the majority, while Sitanova’s Justice Valera dissented.
Gallambria had requested that extremely punitive measures be placed on Pravoslaviya had it been found guilty, demanding that Pravoslaviya be temporarily expelled from the EU until it had started taking in ‘legitimate refugees and asylum seekers’. Gallambria also demanded that Pravoslaviya’s navy be penned into its territorial waters by a Gallambrian-led force, that Pravoslaviya pay ‘reparations’ to the families of the deceased migrants, and that EU nations be free to impose punitive sanctions on Pravoslaviya.
The government was jubilant at the verdict, calling the result “a glorious victory for truth and law.” Metodi Pravoslav told the Chamber of Deputies that “the European Court saw that Pravoslaviya is a good EU member, reiterated that the Constitution does not mandate national suicide, and delivered us from vassalisation by Gallambria and its fellow travellers.”
Nothing could compare, however, to the joy of the Pravoslaviyan people. Hundreds of thousands of citizens enjoyed impromptu parties in the streets of most major town centres. Gallambrian, Sitanovan, and Kaasian flags were burned throughout the country.
At one party in Tsetinye, LPK leader Dragan Trympov gave an energetic address, calling the verdict a vindication of the government’s unashamedly patriotic approach:
“Pravoslaviya stood tall and it won. You don’t win, folks, by getting on your knees and apologising, going ‘AAAAH, I’M SORRY, I’M SORRY, I’M TRYING TO REMOVE IT!’ Retard Apostol did that for 15 years and we lost, and we lost, and we lost. Well now we won, because we stood up for the truth, right?”
“I mean, there was only one judge against us, and that was the guy from Sitanova. I mean, come on. Why is Sitanova allowed to have judges? They should be banned for obvious bias against Pravoslaviya! That whole country is a national suicide country, and they want to force us to have national suicide too. They shouldn’t be allowed to have judges. So the system’s rigged, but we won anyway.”
“And then all those people who said this was a bad idea. Where are they now? When Trympov said torpedo the migrants, they were all like ‘AAAAH, UNCONSTITUTIONAL!!! UNCONSTITUTIONAL!!! YOU’LL GET ECOJED!!!’ And boy have they been proven wraung, huh? How wraung were they? So wraung, folks! They should all be coming here on their knees and saying Trympov was right!”
“So there we go. And just picture the faces of all those losers who doubted us. Who wanted Pravoslaviya to fall. That Sitanovan judge. Everyone in Derecta, Sitanova, Gallambria – you know the countries. Hillary Clinton, who’s just had the smile wiped off her face even though she rigged that presidential election – some really bad stuff going on there, so bad – and of course Retard Apostol. All the Pomaks and Turks. Fake Taylor and Plastic Surgery Woman – they’re crying so many tears but they can’t physically cry any more because of all the plastic surgery so their eyes are going to explode! Wouldn’t that be beautiful.”
“Anyway, all these haters and all these losers, they’re going to read that verdict and they’ll know what losers they are. Because Pravoslaviya is winning, folks. Trympov is winning. Metodi is winning. We’re all winners, because Pravoslaviya is a country of really smart people. I went to the Tsetinye Business School and came 8th in my class out of, like, 250. That’s really smart. So those losers who say Trympov is stupid, Trympov will ruin the country, well they’re not smiling today. But we’re all smiling! Smile! We’ve won! No vassalisation! Thank you!”
A number of SDP and Pomak politicians staged protests against the decision in Tsetinye, alleging that “Kaasians have rights,” and arguing that had the Kaasians been accepted as EU citizens, the government would have lost the case. Trympov publicly called the protestors out as “agitators” from the stage and encouraged the crowd to “deal with them.” Violent scuffles ensued, resulting in 24 of the left-wing protestors being arrested. They all remain in prison overnight, with 17 reportedly being kept in the hospital wing.