The (Second) Grand Dairy Debate



  • "Hello, and welcome to the grand Dairy Debate on NBC1." Said Julie MacPherson, the host. "Today, we're in our Portland studio, with two people with very different opinions about Dairy Consumption. On our left, we have Kelis, who is the Deputy Prime Minister and the leader of the MILF (Milk Is Liberty and Freedom. She secured many votes and seats when Milk Parties were allowed to take part in General Elections. The terms of her Coalition with the Part of June is that there would be a democratic vote and debate about the issue, and it shouldn't be forced upon the nation. On our right, we have the new leader of the DILF (Dairy Is Loathsome and Foul) Party, Mario Lopez. The DILF Party secured a large Majority recently in the Governorship of South Regina. Regina is their largest contributor of seats, and they've shown themselves to be in touch with the Nicoleizian Speakers of South Icholasen. Each candidate now will have a very short opening statement before we begin the questions."

    "Hello, I'm Kelis. You probably know me as the Deputy Prime Minister. It's clear that we need to join all the other nations in this world to legalise Dairy or all sorts. Not just some."

    "Hello, I'm Mario Lopez, leader of the DILF Party. I want to show you the dangers of Dairy Consumption, and how it impacts us as a society. We need to clamp down our rules."

    "Thank you candidates. Our first Question tonight for Mario, is from Nochilaus Huxtable from Saint Novella. 'How do you propose we implement a ban? We're not doing very well at containing the situation at the moment, is it just bucketing water out of a ship with a gaping hole?'"



  • "I propose that we toughen our laws regarding dairy. Clearly, the only way to keep it out of the public's hands is to enforce it stronger. This obviously is the correct thing to do in regards to the situation at hand. And I propose a "War on Dairy", stopping any vessels who might be carrying Dairy, and infiltrating the Dairy gangs that roam almost free in Regina and Romain, and in Portland... Don't get me started. Portland is a mess, criminal gangs roam the streets, and the most hardened criminals of this nation go there to get their grotesque fix, and all the questionable characters. Portland is cesspool of corruption, everything is out of control, it's anarchy. And I most disapprove of your metaphor. It wasn't even that good." Mr. Lopez Replied.

    "Does that answer your question, Nochilaus?" Asked Julie MacPherson.

    "Kind of. But I don't expect the DILF Party to understand reason." Nochilaus replied, and an "oooh" filled the audience.

    "Onto our next question from Mary Israel." MacPherson continued.

    "Hi, I'm a firm believer that we should legalise it - but keep it away from our children. Kelis, do you think there should be another option on the ballot for people who think restrictions should still be in place for the Dairy that's legal?" Ms. Israel asked.

    "I firmly believe that it shouldn't be prohibited to anyone." Kelis replied, as members of the crown started to boo intensely. "I think anyone, however old or young should be able to purchase all dairy products. From chocolate, to cheese. So, no. All or nothing." Kelis furthered as people gasped in disbelief at what she had just said.

    "Okay, onto our next question to Mr Lopez from Gregory D'Arvardá" Julie continued.

    "Do you think we have a moral justification for our actions in banning dairy?" Mr D'Arvardá asked.



  • "Of course we have a moral obligation to ban it." Mr Lopez stated. "We need to protect the health and lifestyles of our peoples. Furthermore, in the Bible, it says in Hebrews 5:13: 'For every one that useth milk is unskilful in the word of righteousness: for he is a babe.' This clearly shows proof that we should ban it except for breast milk does it not? It's very clear that us Nicoleizians aren't babes, as we are better than those countries who allow this filthy practice to continue."

    "Does that answer your question Gregory?" Asked Miss MacPherson.

    "Yes it does, but why not ban breast milk? It seems obvious Mr Lopez." Gregory asked.

    "Well, as babes, as the BIBLE says, it should be allowed, and babies need it, and they don't do it for pleasure." Replied Mr Lopez.

    "Do you have anything to add to this, Kelis?" Ms. MacPherson asked.

    "I think you'll find that Hebrews is a book in the OLD Testament, and as most Christians in this country, I believe the Old Testament is meant to show how unforgiving the rules were. It acted like a prologue. So, we need to permit this, and permit it now." Kelis responded.

    "And now, a tele-video question from Thurston." Julie said, excited at the prospect of her idol appearing on stage. As the screen turned on, Bonnie Langford with her flowing red locks, and in her showgirl outfit stood. "Ms Langford." Julie said, squealing with excitement. "Go ahead and asked your question."

    "This question is to both our contenders, if that's alright Julie?" Bonnie asked.

    "Anything for you, Bonnie." Julie said, starstruck.

    "If dairy is legalized throughout Icholasen, and one or more states refuse to implement the new law, what should the response be from the central government?" Bonnie asked.

    "I say military intervention." Mr Lopez said, to some gasps. "It worked for Davishire, so why not us? Bombing Portland City will do well to make them conform to our Nicoleizian Values™©"

    "I think we should cut off all Central Government money to any non conforming states. Without plumbing or healthcare, they'll soon be BEGGING to legalise dairy." Kelis said, laughing maniacally.

    "Does that answer your question Ms. Langford?" Julie asked.

    "Yes... Come on Ace, we've got to find the doctor!" She proclaimed and turned off the camera.

    "Tune in after the break for more Dairy action. Remember, we're taking phone in questions, so send them in to 09000 MILKORNAH. That's 09000 MILKORNAH."



  • "Welcome back. Now we're going onto a question from Ssuphhun Taumus." Julie said. "Ssuphhun?"

    "Yes. I'd like to ask the MILF Candidate how she feels she can justify the MILF Party Boat Scandal, and the DILF Candidate what he feels about it." Ssuphhun asked.

    "Well..." Kelis said, pausing for a moment. "Sometimes one needs to unwind after a hard few months of running the country is all. And the dairy cannon? That was TOTALLY safe, I see no reason it wouldn't be." Kelis said, chuckling.

    "And you, Mr Lopez." Julie continued.

    "I think it's total and utter shambles! SHAAAMBLEESSS!!!!!" Mr Lopez said, calmly. "The blatant classism of having a yacht party whilst people in this country are less fortunate SICKENS me. SICKENSSSS. And the AUDACITY... THE AUDACITY... Of firing dairy products at an undefended coastal town... It's just MADNESS! MADDDNESSS!" He paused and took a drink of water. "ESIR ESIR ESIR. sretsam gnivol yriad ruoy tsniaga pu esir, pu esir, pu esiR." He said, in uncomprehensible language... It sounded as if it was almost backwards...

    "And now we have a question from Jade Diamond - Jade." Julie said.

    "Umm hi... like legit what do you like think the environmental like consequences would like be if dairy was like legit legalized? Could I still like legit meditate freely on the Nicoleizian like countryside without the legit like disbursing sounds of like moo's?"

    "Well, I think that you'd be perfectly safe from cow's noises. The hot air coming from my friend here should be more what you're worried about." Kelis said, smiling.

    "Mr Lopez, I believe your name was invoked." Julie announced.

    "Yes... I think it'd be a travesty to our environment. Did you know, cows contribute to 99% of the Carbon emitted in the European Union??? Well it's true... And the sounds of the TRILLIONS of cows, overrunning our countryside would be immense. No longer could Jade like legit meditate freely. She'd have to go to the poles. And no one wants that, her pores might open up!" Lopez answered.

    "Now a question from Naushaun Sirw. Naushaun:" Julie introduced.

    "Hi this is a question for Mr Lopez: How would the government react to a legalisation at European level if it was legalised?"

    "I think this would infringe on our sovereignty. Surely, conforming with the rest of Europe is a TERRIBLE idea. Whoever thought of that is a nutcase and should not be trusted. It's absurd to think we should cooperate with the common will of Europe? Why on earth would we bring ourselves in line with others."




  • "Thank you to our guests and goodnight. It's been an insightful evening to say the least and I think it's a tribute to us all that we are able to have this debate." Julie said. "Please thank our MILFs and our DILFs here tonight, as we say goodbye."

    (applause, end credits)


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