[IC SECRET] In the Ministry of Eurovoice

  • "Bastard." Paloma Faith said, in anger. "Only coming 11th in Eurovoice can hurt like this."

    "How could we screw up so badly. It honestly makes me want to be taken to Church to pray for this loss." Hozier continued.

    "We can't change. Even if we try. Even if we wanted to." Mary Lambert added.

    "Oh please, Mary, you came 4th. We came Second." Paloma snapped.

    The 3 were sitting around a large circular table, with a graph of how Icholasen has faired in its Eurovoice endeavours projected in a 3D hologram.

    "We've got to do better. I think it's time to get she who shall not be named out of stasis..." Paloma said, assertively.

    Mary Lambert looked shocked and confused "You surely don't mean-"

    "Yes I do mean, Mary." Paloma continued.

    "We'd have to apply the life support unit to her, she can't survive on her own." Hozier added.

    "Indeed. We'll have to put the pink one on. Ditsy girls love pink." Paloma said. "You, nurse."

    "Yes your Ladyship." The nurse said.

    "Fix up Patient 1989, and bring her here." Paloma ordered. "While she's in there I wish to propose my idea to steal the next Eurovoice."

    "Do tell your Ladyship." Mary said, over enthusiastically.

    "We ask the Prime Minister to acquire some weapons grade Uranium. We find the water supply for the dressing rooms and sneakily drop the Uranium in there. They all get radiation poisoning and die!" Paloma faith said, laughing maniacally.

    "But what about the security. And, I bet the Inquistan candidate will request only to drink tea from the far east. Whomever that may be." Hozier continued.

    Just then, Taylor Swift, in her life support outfit burst in the door. She now breathed heavily and had limited vision.

    "Cos baby now we've got bad blood (© 2015 Taylor Swift 1989 Big Machine Records)" Taylor Swift said. "What the actual shit happened? I want answers and now, or there will be a Blank Space (© 2015 Taylor Swift 1989 Big Machine Records) right where your head is."

    "There was an accident with your Private Jet, and you crash landed into a mountain in the Teutonic States. You were picked up and brought back to the Ministry of Eurovoice's Infirmary where, we said you were dead. Little did we knjow you were in a coma. But the burns and loss of your lower legs and lower arms was extremely bad, so, the suit is necessary." Paloma Faith explained.

    "Will this suit every go out of style (© 2015 Taylor Swift 1989 Big Machine Records)?" Taylor asked.

    "It's pink. Pink has never and will never go out of Style." Paloma said, reassuringly.

    "Why now? Why this day?" Taylor asked.

    "Because we've had a worse score than your... embarrassment." Hozier added.

    "6th place?!" Taylor asked.

    "No, worse." Paloma paused. "You might want to sit down for this."

    "Okay, I'm sat down? What? 7th??" Taylor persisted to ask, growing ever more shocked each time she lowered the placing.

    "11th. Framptonia and Aalen came before us." Paloma said, then took a large swig from her vodka bottle.

    Taylor's heart rate monitor went into one long, continuous beep.

    "Nurse! NURSE!" Shouted Paloma.

    The nurse sped across the room from where she was packing her medical equipment. The electrical resuscitator was just next to her. She got it, and plugged it into the socket at the back of Taylor's suit.

    "3, 2, 1, CLEAR." The nurse shouted. "3, 2, 1, CLEAR." The nurse shouted again. Taylor's heartbeat came back online. "She's going to be very fragile, be easy on the poor girl."

    "Thank you, Nurse Chapel." Mary said.

    "We're going to kill that bastard." Taylor said, in her distorted voice still breathing heavily.


  • "And how exactly do you propose we go about this?" Paloma asked.

    "You seduce him, and bring him over here." Taylor said, simply.

    "Seduce him? I'd rather drug him." Paloma said, entrenched.

    "Then do that. Just get him here, and we'll show him how we treat those who mistreat the sanctity of Eurovoice. You crashed me into the mountains of the TS. We need to do something much worse to him." Taylor said, rallying support from the other artists.

    "Fine. It seems I, as the President of the Ministry of Eurovoice (with the most points, and highest chance of winning), will undertake this challenge." Paloma said, bravely, as a round of applause erupted in the dark room.

    Paloma set off on the large task of finding Doc Mustard. Her first Port of Call would be to the Saint Regina Royal City Police.

    "Hello, I'd like to track someone under the orders of her Highness Queen Anastasia." Paloma said, showing her Ministerial Card.

    "Of course, your Ladyship. Whom?" PC N Plum replied.

    "Doc Mustard. Full name: Doc Clitoris Mustard." Paloma issued the vital information.

    "You're very lucky Madam. We had a security bracelet fitted onto him in 2009 for Dairy usage." The Policeman replied.

    "Oh, goodie!" Paloma smiled with glee. "That's saved me some trouble!"

    "We've tracked him down to the Susan Callaghan Chain Strip Club and Créche." The Policeman said, visibly appalled.

    "Thank you. And remember, the Ministry of Eurovoice is working for you, the people." Paloma said, running out.

    She got into a taxi, and told it where to go. Of course she was given odd looks by the taxi driver. When she arrived she alighted from the taxi, and remarked at the foul smell of the area. She opened the door and went inside. Indeed, there he was. Doc Clitoris Mustard. Right before her very eyes.

    "Hello. It's me." Paloma said.

    "I was wondering if after all these several hours you'd like to meet. To go over Eurovoice. They say time's supposed to heal you but I ain't done much healing." Doc Mustard replied.

    "Well it has been only about 20 hours since, I don't think you will have done much to heal." Paloma paused and an awkward silence ruled. "So... do you want to come to this aftershow party?"

    "No I can't face Icholasen again after what I've done to this fine nation, Clitori (the plural of clitoris) that I have disappointed." Doc said, sadly inserting a 10 Shilling note into the underwear of a stripper whose name was Kelis Jnr, also known as the Milkshake.

    "Oh, don't say that." Paloma said, looking for a way to not look at Doc. She decided to go with also putting a 10 Shilling note into the underwear of a Stripper called Lucky Charm.

    However, suddenly, a large shout was heard from the back of the room. Paloma looked slightly startled, and turned around.

    "That's MY girl." A man seemingly in his early 60s shouted.

    "Oh? Is it?" Paloma asked.

    "Yes it Goddamn is." He replied.

    "Don't mess with him, he can deal some damage." Doc whispered to Paloma.

    Paloma whipped out her pistol and fired a warning shot. "Don't mess with me sunshine."

    "You don't shoot me and get away with it." The man said, beckoning two men in their 30s with submachine guns. "Come this way, you two."

    Paloma spoke into her watch, and called for Hozier's assistance. Their security team would also be required, she texted. The two were brought into the cellar of the Susan Callaghan Chain Strip Club and Créche.

    "You two wait here. Don't move or I'll bash yer heads in." The man said.

    "Do you have any idea what that man is called?" Paloma asked Doc.

    "He's called Scott Kingsley Swift, or, in the gangster business he's known as the King." Doc replied.

    "And you know so much about that?" Paloma giggled.

    "I'll have you know I was one of his bodyguards before I entered the arts." Doc counter claimed.

    "Hmm... 'Arts'. That's why I'm here, you know." Paloma replied. "But like Eurovoice, you've fucked this one up too. Thanks."

    "What do you mean?" Doc asked.

    "I mean you came 11th. Worst Nicoleizian result in history. Do you even care?" Paloma asked.

    "Of course I care. How dare you."

    Suddenly, Hozier, Mary Lambert and Taylor Swift burst in with Tomy Guns.

    "This way, your Ladyship. And... you." Hozier said.

    To be continued...

  • "Paloma." Taylor Swift said.

    "Yes?" Paloma said, shooting some armed gang members.

    "This is my dad's... family... business. That was my dad." She said.

    "And?" Paloma said, scoring a "360 noscope".

    "He thinks I'm dead I have to find him." She said.

    "Damnit Swift. He won't recognise you, he'll shoot you dead." Paloma replied.

    "You don't know that." Taylor replied, and then ran off.

    They then managed to fight their way out of the Susan Callaghan Strip Club and Créche.

    "Taylor's still in there, Hozier." Paloma said nervously. "I'm going back in."

    "No, Paloma!" Hozier shouted out. But it was too late.

    "Taylor!" She shouted through the gunfire, and the occasional shot from her own gun.

    Suddenly, the pink life support suit of Taylor Swift emerged. With her father.

    "Taylor, come back with us." Paloma pleaded.

    "You know I won't do that." Taylor replied.

    "Goddamnit Swift. It was one crash we might have instigated. And you only lost a few limbs." Paloma continued. "It's not our fault you embarrassed the nation."

    "You're digging yourself a hole, Paloma." Taylor said, calmly, and then went back into the cellar with her father.

    Paloma got out of there as fast as she possibly could, and they all boarded the pink jeep, with "THE MINISTRY OF EUROVOICE" painted on it with glitter.

    "Where's Taylor?" Hozier asked.

    "She's not coming." Paloma said, decisively.

    They drove back to the ministry, with Doc Mustard this time accompanying them instead of Taylor Swift. They came back to the table, Doc Mustard was left in another room, while the others deliberated.

    "Well. We're down to 3. The 3 first entries." Paloma said.

    "But what, what about our entry after the she-witch Taylor?" Asked Mary.

    "Well what about them?" Asked Hozier.

    "Let's get them in right away." Paloma replied.

    "Hello?" Hozier said, through the telephone. "Hi, this is the Ministry of Eurovoice. Are Little Mix there? Uhuh. Cool."

    "Well?" Asked Mary.

    "They're on their way."

    Little Mix's pink helicopter landed on the roof of the Ministry of Eurovoice. They alighted from the helicopter in a rage. Jade Thirlwall, Perrie Edwards, Leigh-Anne Pinnock, and Jesy Nelson stood on top of the building, reminiscent of a scene from "Bad Blood".

    "Let's get in there, girls." Leigh-Anne said.

    They walked down the long stairs into the meeting room.

    "We, as Little Mix don't think you did enough to ensure Icholasen's success at Eurovoice." Jade said, angrily.

    "Well... us two came second. Remind me, again, where you came?" Paloma said, shadily.

    "You know that." Perrie said.

    "It's not going to help if we argue." Hozier said.

    "Yeah, that's what they want." Mary said.

    "Who is "they"?" Paloma queried.

    "The Eurovoice Illuminati." Mary replied. "Duh."

    "Ignore the lesbian." Hozier said.

    "Well I think I have the solution to all ours problems." Jesy Nelson said, as she beckoned everyone in for a whisper.

    A round of applause ensued afterwards.

    "Though for your idea to work, I think we'd need Taylor back." Paloma said.

    "Indeed. We've got to get Taylor back. But how?" Jesy asked.

    To be continued...

  • "We know what that... Skank... loves." Paloma said, with a malevolent smile.

    "What?" Asked Mary.

    "Money. She's a filthy money lover." Paloma replied. "We just buy her out. But not yet."

    "Why not now?" Asked Hozier.
    "We'll only need her in the next Eurovoice. But now, we wait." Paloma said.

    "What about Doc." Leigh-Anne asked.

    "Ah, yes, indeed. We need to do something about him." Hozier said.

    "I reckon we should have a vote!" Jade squeaked.

    "Jade, honey, we need to make some decisions first." Paloma replied.

    "I say we get him up in the air, and accidentally shoot him down with an anti-aircraft gun. We claim he was a Davishirian Jet violating our airspace." Mary said, violently acting out the scene.

    "Why don't we just cut out the aircraft bit? Why waste a perfectly good plane?" Hozier suggested.

    "I don't think there's enough pain involved." Paloma said frankly.

    "We should really get Delphine in." Hozier replied.

    "Yes, indeed. I'll call her over right now." Paloma said, dialing her number on her phone.

    "I'm already here." Delphine said, releasing her rope to lower her down to the floor. "It's been interesting to see your proposals. But I believe we have a money making opportunity here. Since winning Eurovoice, Verka has managed to ascertain a lot of money. She respects our Doc. Of course the one (and only) 12 he received was from the 12 Commonwealths."

    "Yes I know, but what's your point?" Paloma said demandingly.

    "My point is, Verka might agree to go on tour with our Doc. He'd raise much needed funds for your plan for Taylor." Delphine said.

    "Indeed. I think this is the best option for us right now. After next Eurovoice, he will be taken care of. I hereby end this meeting. Let's go back to our lives. Hozier, I'll see you in Slut City." Paloma said.

    "Of course." He said, blowing a kiss. "I love Saint Dominico."