EuroVoice XXVIII Winner!
“Hello everyone! It is I, John Oliver, now most of you know me for a old late night talk show no one but people in Aalen seem to know, and even then it is just simply to make jabs at my appearance. Yes I get it, I look like a bird who simply knows random facts. However, some of may know me for taking over for my old loon of a boss, Darth Khan, who unfortunately was some prat in a mask no one could understand.”
John Oliver begins to mimic Khan’s signature deep breathing.
“What was that? You want a bagel?”
John continues to mimic the deep breathing.
“Okay, you want a bagel with cream cheese?”
“Now when I was asked by the Prefect of Culture if I wanted to host the results show, of course I had to say yes, I mean, the dungeons at the Citadel are not as comfortable as they used to be. For the record Davishire, that was a joke, they do not, absolutely do not have prisoners at the lowest levels of the citadel awaiting torture. They simply do not.”
Audience laughs, the Davishrian delegation joins in eventually.
“Now, with my utmost pleasure. I can announce that the the fucked up, messed up, clearly 500 years behind in fashion country known as Aalen, got 13th place. Thank fucking Christ! I mean, sure I love me some Fergie, but no. Just hell to the no, I do not want any M.I.L.F $. It is like drinking Budweiser Lime, it just is not happening.
Now the country who got 12th place was utterly robbed, I mean...they are always robbed. Angleter ladies and gentlemen. Angleter. I mean for a state who literally robbed an entire country alongside their wingman the Duxburian Union, they seemed to get themselves robbed a lot at EuroVoice. Even when Zuleyka basically stole her act from another great artist, she just got robbed again. I love you Zuleyka! You should have been the next Verka. #ZUZU4EVA #Feminism
Now for a country who usually sends out good music period to every EuroVoice, they seemed to have tanked just like their economy. The Duxburian Union everyone! They got 11th, this one was worse than the time they wanted to do a battle of the bands, I was worried that people from the DU would actually try to fight the other bands…..Please do not nuke me...I mean there is that country to the north just waiting for you to do it.
Now before we cut to a commercial break, lets have a country who took this competition so seriously they sent in a commercial literally...Davishire! Some fucking how, these blokes got 10th, but Zuleyka got 12th? The system is fucking rigged, and I plan on stopping it! Check in on the next episode of Last Week Tonight with Speaker of the European Council, John Oliver. Oh yeah that title is still sounding great. But seriously, for a state who nearly wanted to nuke five pirate ships, a train video is pretty tame. But I guess just like the how experienced diplomats in Davishirian are at diplomacy, their trains must be like them, virgins are their jobs. Now a tiny commercial break, and for the love of God, NO TRAINS!
Welcome to back to the show everyone, now this one is another ad. It says super I think, but honestly can not understand a fucking thing, I think Darth Khan must have wrote the lyrics. Obviously I am talking about Fremet, whose song really is not super at 9th place. I mean again, these fuckers placed higher than Zuleyka. God people of Europe, do you not know any better? Why can we not just make me like Atrabanos. I can choose all the winners then!
Next for 8th place, is a country who gives an honest effort all the time. And for that I give them a clap, but it always seems to fall just short. This time is no exception. Sitanova everyone! I love the song by the way, and lack of video makes me feel like oh my lord, this song is great. No video? What do you mean no video? This is like the fucking opposite of those Davishirians, except in this case there was good music.
Now let us scoot our way into the next entry. Now I guess Atrabanos must love scooters, they are shiny after all, just like his head. Please don’t kill me! I have a kid! I mean, Artie is great, but his taste in music sucks, especially seeing his votes. I mean, 12 votes for Davishire, the fuck man? I thought we were cool. But yes, Inimicus placed 7th, a decent showing for scooters, but they can just roll on out of here. Hopefully next time Artie might consult the country when it comes to EV, he barely consults on anything so lets take some baby steps, like maybe remove that veto of yours.
Now onto a commercial break, we will be right back with 7th, and 6th place. I will tell you this, one of them was really cheap but such a thrill.
For 6th place, it is the country that honestly sends in all the time great entries, but this time...however they could not take the win home. Inquista everyone! I usually love them, but this time they fell short. Maybe they should take a pointer from Icholasen and get rid of their artists this time, I mean I don't even know who she is, but she sucks I assure you. I mean, none of you know who she is, so the picture on the back of the screen here is not even showing her picture. It is showing one of Inquista’s historically better artists.
Now next, like I promised this one was a bit cheap. I mean black and white? I love the 1950s when it comes to fashion, but for a TV style fuck no. Os Corelia everyone! They placed 5th, displacing their rivals Inquista for once. I mean when was the last time Os Corelia was better than Inquista? That hardly ever happens, now I love you all, but we have a commercial break I will get catch all of you when we come back. I guess its like their fish, its cheap, quick, but it gives you such a thrill in the loo.
At this point, the Inquistan EV hooligans in the crowd burst into anger. 6th was a totally non-acceptable outcome. Not only this, but the systematic elimination of Fremet, Sitanova and then Inimicus was a trigger. Inimicus' song was a particular hit in Inquista, and its placement is most unfortunate. The Inquistan hooligans began rushing to the stage, attempting to disrupt the show. Some hooligans, however, began taking their frustration out on their fellow crowd members. Small brawls could be seen the peripheries on the stage.
At hearing the results of Fremet's ev, and at the comments to the German speaking population of Fremet, Fremetians in attendance began booing and yelling at the stage in staunch German slurs.....
"Sohn einer Hündin!," someone yelled as a large bag full of items soared over the stage......
Fremetians at home yelled at their televisions, as Supergeil was a major hit, and Fremetians in the crowd began to participate in the brawls.....
During the commericial break, Aalenic City Watchmen took to the stage, took out their swords and escorted the Inquistans out of the arena. Some were never heard from again, others went home with various scars on their back. From whips? Who knows, they never speak of it.
Now, 4th place holds a special place in my heart. It holds the place of never ever fucking go there because, everything will kill you. Even the tiny cat-bear things. Australia everyone! Took they 4th place, a true great attempt. Obviously they did not go silently into the night, as a 4th place finish is incredible. Now, I may be sent to the outback by some country who I have pissed off tonight, but lets be serious. Australia actually did something positive for the world! I mean, two Clintons was pushing it, but they made it up with this.
"3rd Place, was the beautiful country of Rosebourg, I mean look at them! They are so cute, saying we held such a great contest. Really this thing was pretty ghetto, I mean Zulekya got 12th!?!?!?! Something is rigged in thise contest, but yes the country of Roses, got an amazing 3rd place finish! Especially for a first comer to EV! Let us all give them a round of applause before we cut to commercial! "
The audience applauds.
"I will be right back with the winner shortly. Will it be Icholasen after like 21 attempts, or Miraco? Who knows. Oh wait! I do!"
As the Guard started escorting some Inquistans out of the arena, more began joining in, especially as their Fremetian counterparts had joined the frey. The Guards seemed to underestimate how serious some of these hooligans took EV, and they found themselves fighting audience members equipped with pocket knives and small make-shift weapons that had been smuggled in. At this point, as more Fremetians joined in, and as more Inquistans were escorted out, it seemed that the entire Inquistan contingent broke out into a fury.
At the sight of the Inquistans being escorted out, even more Fremetians began to join in. In a matter of moments, it seemed chaos would ensue..........
Now everyone. It is time. For the winner to be announced. But first. Another commercial break! This time brought to you Os Corelia fishing! They taste great!
In the mean time, the guards in the armour began to arrest more and more of the Inquistans, Fremetians, and were prepared in case the Os Corelians began to get uppity.
The winner now....no jokes....is the amazing.................oh wait another commericial break everyone!
Angela Merkel, who was in attendance, was overly furious at the insulting of her heritage, and jumped into the fight. At the sight of their PM fighting with them, the Fremetians in the brawl were filled with a new energy and determination, and began to fight the guards......
The winner of the 28th EuroVoice, held in Aachen, Aalen is the wonderful state of....MIRACO with their amazing french entry! I'm sorry Icholasen but we have had it up to hear with depressing songs made by 20 year olds, up to here! To end this EV, let us have Miraco's entry sing us out! Can not wait to see all of you in Miraco in a few months time!
In the back, a results board appeared.
Merkel, overly frustrated at Aalen, escorted the Fremetians at the event out, and demanded the Fremetians arrested be extradited back to Fremet......
[Retroactive post, as I was at work several hours ago]
Consumed by shock watching their result go down as the worst finish in Duxburian history, relative to number of entries, Duxburians started to hurl water bottles and rush at the guards, big fists clenched. "WE DID WORSE THAN A FUCKING TRAIN ADVERTISEMENT?" "FUCK THIS SHIT!" After several minutes of slugging, other nationalities clogged up all the fighting space with riots of their own, and the Duxburian delegation had to settle back down.
The Australian delegation, led by Dami Im, were so enraged that they lost to an angsty Twenty-One Pilots and came in fourth after giving her all in her performance that they did not wait to listen to the final result.
"This Eurovoice robs anyone who isn't a part of the established voting blocs of countries," Dami exclaimed. "Talent and musicality have nothing to do with the result; it's all a popularity contest among random European countries."
After the comments made by John Oliver about the music tastes of His Imperial Majesty Emperor Artabanos, the well-loved Singer Rinus delegated the Inimician EuroVoice group out of the Aalenic venue in relative silence, not paying attention to the scoffles and shouts.