Le Figaro



  • PRO-MARKET FORCES ROUTED IN ELECTION; BUSINESSES FLEEING NEW PARISTAN

    Montmartre, October 1 -

    The latest election results in New Paristan dealt a devastating blow to anyone seeking to stem the rising tide of anti-capitalist sentiment in New Paristan. Many blame the "brutal" and "sadistic" tactics allegedly used during the decade of rule by General LeClerc and his Movement for a Popular Majority. The current Red/Black government of Bruno Magritte claims that during LeClerc's administration, military police routinely rounded up union leaders and "disappeared" them, and that the austerity measures LeClerc instituted to untangle the morass of state-run companies and bloated entitlement programs caused "hardship and suffering" to "millions." The so-called "May 1 massacre," when one hundred workers were allegedly shot to death during a communist rally last year, is claimed by Mr. Magritte's government as the "trigger point" that led to the major shift in power seen in these elections.

    With the election of Mr. Magritte's Red/Black coalition, free market forces are fleeing the country. Yesterday, Le Bourse lost nearly half of its value. Reached for comment on the growing problem of capital flight, Prime Minister Magritte said, "Good riddance to bad rubbish."

    We reprint the election results here:

    Previous Congress:

    MPM (LeClerc): 350 seats
    Communists (Magritte): 50 seats
    Worker Freedom (Valjean): 23 seats
    Socialists (Duchamp): 27 seats

    Current Congress:

    Red/Black Alliance: 316 seats

    Communists (Magritte): 148 seats
    Worker Freedom (Valjean): 102 seats
    Socialists (Duchamp): 66 seats

    Democratic Freedom Group (Opposition - former moderate allies of LeClerc who have agreed to sign the Loyalty Pledge in exchange for the right to remain in government): 134 seats

    Free Democratic Party (Chirac): 53 seats
    Christian Democratic Party (Javert): 47 seats
    Rally for the Republic (Picard): 34 seats

    The opposition parties plan to prepare a "Contract with New Paristan" that pledges a return to "free-market principles, freedom, and democracy" if they return to power in the next election, currently scheduled to take place in 5 years. In the meantime, Congressman Javert, the leader of the CDP, has pledged to be a "sentinel" for "order and light" during his time in the opposition.

    The first act of the new Red/Black government was to change the flag, anthem, and motto of New Paristan to reflect their new anti-capitalist priorities. We reprint the lyrics of the new anthem here:

    QUOTE

    Do you hear the people sing
    Lost in the valley of the night?
    It is the music of a people
    Who are climbing to the light.

    For the wretched of the earth
    There is a flame that never dies.
    Even the darkest night will end
    And the sun will rise.

    They will live again in freedom
    In the garden of the Lord.
    They will walk behind the plough-share,
    They will put away the sword.
    The chain will be broken
    And all men will have their reward.

    Will you join in our crusade?
    Who will be strong and stand with me?
    Somewhere beyond the barricade
    Is there a world you long to see?
    Do you hear the people sing?
    Say, do you hear the distant drums?
    It is the future that they bring
    When tomorrow comes!



  • Valjean Sacked - Government in Turmoil!

    MP Jean Valjean was fired from his position as Foreign Secretary today after allegations surfaced that he solicited the kidnapping of a suspected leader of the LeClerc administration who had sought refuge in Peace-Loving States. Prime Minister Magritte called the allegations "disturbing" and called for a "full investigation."

    The Prime Minister's office stressed the unity of his fragile coalition government, calling for "immediate elections" for Valjean's replacement as the head of the Worker Freedom Party, who would then be granted "priority consideration" for the position of Foreign Secretary.

    Quoting from the Prime Minister's office: "The anarchist party is key to our revolution's success. I regret that such a naive and impertinent person as Valjean was chosen as their leader, but the Worker Freedom Party has the right to democratically elect their representatives. I hope this time they'll pick someone with a bit of a head on his or her shoulders."

    The anarchists should hold elections within the week to choose a new leader, although sources within the Worker Freedom Party point to "significant division" over whether what Valjean did was really such a bad thing. Quoting an unknown source within the anarchist party's leadership, "Hey, anything that gets us what we want and gets around government to do it - I'm all for it. Frankly, I don't understand why we're in coalition with this bunch of commies - I say scrap everything and start over fresh."


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