Welcome to Red Croati-... Hold up. You have 0.1% extra body fat, a zit and yo weave ain't on fleek. You have failed to live up to the standards of the Beyoncé Declaration and ain't protected by the "Inimican Politicians Can Visit With a Bag Over Face" Act. You in the wrong neighborhood mothafucka.
Nah, just kidding! We're not here to push you away, actually. In fact, we are here to pull you towards us. Let me explain...
Ever since the dawn of time, our country has been pretty fucked up. We first began to inhabit this land as a diverse group of tribes who peacefully co-existed for like 5 minutes till we started killing each other, with the biggest blow to our population being the burning of plains around Zadar, our modern day capital. Upon realizing that we need to get ourselves together or that we'l get eaten alive by the Duxburians, we begun working on... hehe... getting our population back together. ;)
Because of how revered motherhood and pregnancy was during this time, not only did Rechroatia (Red Croatia) become a matriarchy, but we made huge advancements in the field of eugenics. We made sure that our babies were healthy af, strong af and looked hot af (when hitting the age 18 ofc). Fuckable, hot nation -> Sex -> Population growth -> RECHROATIA!!!
Ever since then, we basically stayed isolated because we didn't want to associate with the inferior (read: ugly) nations of Europe. And ya'll are never going to know what exactly happened within our borders during that time. Sorry. Anyway!
It's 2013... I think... and we join the European Union. We are an instant sensation clearly, because ya'll celebrities can't touch our's. Not only did we always have a plethora of camps dedicated to building the most talented stars in the business, but with our one and only Cher pioneering auto tune, who needed to sing anyway? Anorexia, bulimia and wig-selling rates may or may not have increased dramatically with our entrance to the EU. Sorry. Anyway!
Recently, our #Queen (#Slay #Work) Aleksandra began the Military Revitalization of Rechroatia to help contribute to one of the most generous, noble, uplifting, glorious and saintly things to happen to Europe in a millennia: the Liberation of the once oppressed, sad and lonely Sahwari People from the grip of the oppresseder, sadderer and lonelierer Marrakechians. And as soon as the beautiful Sahara was liberated, our grand nation won Eurovoice (we counted the votes multiple times, we really did win) and let Sahara host it. #TrueFriendship <3
However, even though our Queen operated wonderfully on the international level, our internal affairs weren't so happy. The bulk of the soldiers, us, was composed almost entirely of men, whereas most of the command was composed of women - minus Henry von Cavill, that pretty boy who led the whole thing to decieve us men into thinking we are not oppressed. WELL WE AREN'T BUYING IT. #BoyPower #21stCentury #Woke
Because of this, we took to arms (the same arms our beautiful Queen provided us) and took over the nation, making the once Absolute Monarch that was our #Queen into a mere puppet while sending out minimal information about this to ya'll folks. Well, now you found out bitches! Anyway, I'm getting really sick of writing so let me summarize this for you:
There's a new authority in Red Croatia, and it ain't Queen Aleksandra. We are here to serve up equality to both sexes, improvements to our pop music industry and fierceness. And if you want to get on our good side, you best drag your ass to the meeting in our Royal Castle on a date agreeable to us all. Please send a letter about how you feel about this, are you ready to attend (read: roleplay) in the following few days and who wants to come.