Wiener Zeitung: Doris Bures named Chancellor, Sebastian Kurz President in controversial vote; "draconian" sanctions on Reitzmag debated following release of "disturbing" report by committee; Katzian denies having been paid by "reactionary bourgeois pig" Miroslava Císařová
Doris Bures, member of the Nationalrat and the second representative of Community, Social, and Personal Services, has been named Chancellor following a controversial vote. A relatively unknown figure, she was chosen, according to representatives of the governing Social Democratic - People's Party coalition, due to her apparent moderateness, as well as her ability to "compromise." Her approval was almost unanimous, with support from the Communist Party, the Greens, and Social Austria, with the sole dissent being that of NEOS, which claimed that she would be a barrier to economic success in Austria.
Bures is considered a moderate within the Social Democratic Party, due to her amenability to extremely slow reform; however, she remains committed to the party's anti-capitalist and market socialist policy.
More worryingly, however, Sebastian Kurz, best known for attempting crimes against humanity earlier this year, has been elected President in a much narrower vote, which was unable to gain the support of the Social Democrats and passed with a majority of two votes, with support from NEOS, the Greens, Social Austria, and Die PARTEI, as a result of a deal regarding economic policies.
Many have protested this action, arguing that Kurz, as an individual who attempted what was essentially tantamount to genocide less than two months ago, should be arrested and perhaps even executed, despite there having been a moratorium on the death penalty since 1996.
"Evil, wicked man," said an elderly woman. "He wanted to kill over a million people simply because he did not like refugees! I do not like them, but I wouldn't go that far! How awful!"
"The man deserves death, not the Presidency," said a student. "That is the logical consequence of trying to kill almost one million people."
Beate Meinl-Reisinger, leader of NEOS and first representative for the civil service attempted to defend her actions against an enraged constituency.
"I realize that this man is not the best in terms of morality," she said earlier today at a press conference as an angered crowd screamed at her. "But we are sometimes forced to make sacrifices in the pursing of representation of the people. In order to truly represent you, my constituents, I was forced to do this. I could not vote for Katzian, I could not vote for any of the others, because they are fundamentally opposed to what you want, what you have entrusted me to do," she said.
Kurz promises a corporatist platform, in which all related to the economy, from wages to price controls, is decided based upon sectoral and mandatory collective bargaining, influenced by "family councils" - a platform almost diametrically opposed to that of Meinl-Reisinger, who supports a more laissez-faire approach to the economy.
Die PARTEI, meanwhile, has stated that the election of Kurz was a necessary step toward the reconstruction of the Linienwall. It has, however, hinted at regret for the decision.
In other news, what is perhaps the most stringent package of sanctions ever proposed in Austrian history is currently being debated in the Nationalrat.
Presented by the third representative of Education, Terezija Stoisits, after a damaging report was released by the committee tasked with preparing it, the sanctions propose a total ban on all travel to Reitzmag, save for in extenuating circumstances, in which special documents would be prepared for travel. Any attempt to travel without said documents would be a crime, punishable by two years in prison.
Austrian citizens would return to the country or face the removal of their citizenship.
All Reitzmic property in Austria would be expropriated by their corresponding trade organization; Reitzmic nationals would be deported in a timeframe of one month.
All business in Reitzmag on the behalf of Austrian businesses would be suspended; no Austrian products would be able to be distributed to or within the country with the consent of the business creating or distributing said product or products. This would, according to Stoisits, involve the blocking of Austrian websites to all IPs in Reitzmag. Any attempt of a business to do so would result in a 10.000.000 schilling fine, the dissolution of the business, and the arrest and imprisonment of those responsible for the decision for two years.
The sanctions have largely been opposed, due to worries over economic fallout and possible invasion.
"We will all die if we pass these sanctions!" screamed Wolfgang Sobotka, first representative for Education. "We have no military! They will come, they will kill us all! If the bombs will not get us, the soldiers, the starvation, and the camps will! Not a single Austrian will survive; the nation of Austria as a whole, its culture, its institutions, its everything, will be condemned to oblivion if we pass this bill! They will turn our country to dust! Do not pass it! Do not pass it! Do not support it! I beg of you, I beg of you!"
"Reitzmag is a regionally important economic power," said Meinl-Reisinger. "As an opening economy, we cannot afford to antagonize them. The threat of invasion also looms over our heads - none of us, I believe, wish to be subjected to the whims of an occupying force that may very well want to kill us all."
In other news, Wolfgang Katzian, the third representative for the civil service, has denied any connection with Miroslava Císařová, a recently imprisoned Czech politician.
"Why would I ever associate with such a reactionary bourgeois pig as this sorry excuse of a woman? She deserves to be put to death, her skin slowly peeled off her, her organs slowly taken out by the vengeful hands of the people she so wronged, as she screams in terror. She so tortured the people of Czech Slavia; the people deserve retribution. Her body without skin, without organs, will be but a blob of bloodied tissues - a horrific, ugly, disgusting thing, to be rejected by all. What she was, then, will be truly known to all! That blob of tissue, that disgusting mass of dead, rotting material, from that pig - it must be paraded around the world! Then all people will know the truth of reaction, of conservatism, of disgusting, disgusting capitalism! They will know, they will hate, and they will be filled with the spirit of revenge, which they will, they must, enact upon the mass of disgusting, rotting, putrid tissues that once was the nasty thing known as Miroslava Císařová! They will spit on her body, tear what remains of it to pieces, defecate upon it, urinate on it, vomit on it, scar it with caustic substances, defile it in all ways possible, so filled with rightful hatred and vengeance they will be! And then shall justice come around; then shall it begin, for it is then that the bloody battle against reaction, against capitalism, and its disgusting thing of a head, Miroslava Císařová, and her demonic, disgusting, greedy flesh-puppets of acolytes, shall begin! The world shall be purged of all such people, purged in the bloody revenge of the people against those who so wronged them so long, who tortured them in all types and kinds of ways for so very, very long! Their flesh shall be ripped apart, their bodies shall be tortured, contorted, destroyed, made into pathetic and disgusting things to be tossed aside into the gutter. Their terrible, disgusting and putrid remains shall be piled up in a terrible monstrosity, the representative of greedy capitalism, and that shall be destroyed by the people, destroyed, defiled, burnt until it is reduced to nothing! That place, that pile, shall become a memorial, a testament to the abuses and tortures of capitalism, and also one to the glorious revolution of the people that is to come!"
He then continued by repeatedly insulting the Socialist Republican Party in Czech Slavia before turning to the subject of Mikaela Kligenberg as he became distracted by his fantasies.
"This fate shall befall the bourgeois Socialist Republican Party, as well! They have betrayed the people, they have privatized, they have sold their country off to the highest bidder, they have divested their people of all joy! They must all be killed, they must all be murdered, by the people of Czech Slavia, who must rise up against them in bloody and glorious revolution! They must be dragged through the streets as the people pour boiling water on them, poke heated pokers deep into their bodies! They must be nailed, slowly, ever so slowly, to great crosses, and then they must be crucified! They must be made to feel pain, the greatest pain, they must scream for mercy as the people assault them in glorious fashion, with sharp knives, with hot pokers, with boiling water, with shards of glass, scream for mercy as they die slowly and painfully on the crosses of the people's labor, the people's creation! They must be stripped nude, so that they may be indecent before the public, indecent and tortured and heckled, and then castrated with rusty knives covered in salt as the people cheer, happy, joyful that their oppressors are to die painfully, are to feel the tortures that they themselves inflicted upon others for so long, happy that they have been liberated through and by their own effort, and that they for the rest of their lives, they and their children and their children's children, may live free! The bodies of those in the Socialist Republican Party, so tortured, they must then be preserved, all of them, every single one, preserved and then placed, each, into all the public bathrooms of Czech Slavia, so that the people may forever more defile the bodies of their oppressors with their bodily excretions! They must then, after one year, be paraded around the country, covered in the excretions layered upon them in the public bathrooms for a year, spat upon, by the people of Czech Slavia, so that all may celebrate, so that all may know of the true face of capitalism! Their bodies must then be torn apart and placed into the Great Heap of Revolution, where by the people's might they shall be destroyed in spectacular fashion!"
"And finally, turning to the demon of capitalism, the swine Mikaela Kligenberg - she shall suffer a fate so horrible that it cannot even be fully fathomed as of now! She shall be dragged through the streets of Inquista, tied to a car, living on the verge of death! She will be crucified, tortured with boiling water and poisons and castor oil daily until she dies, covered in her own excrement, dirty, filthy, as the people shout in joy for her death, that swine! She will scream, oh, how she will scream as she slowly, ever so slowly, perishes, excruciating pain coursing throughout her entire sorry excuse for a body, full of decadence! How she will beg for mercy as the people splash her body with boiling water, poke her with red-hot pokers, burn her with matches, stab her with shards of glass and knives! How she will despair as she uncontrollably defecates upon being fed castor oil and poisons, how she will feel so ill, so terrible, as she lives through the worst pain of her life, as she is slowly tortured and suffocated! Once she is dead, her face shall be peeled off; it shall be worn as a mask by the people, the workers of Inquista as they celebrate their liberation! Her head, without skin, reddened and seen for what it truly is, disgusting and putrid, shall then be cut off and paraded through the streets of Inquista until it is rotten, covered with mold and other fungi, rotten, blackened! It shall then be preserved in broth, then dried, and then placed in a museum for all to gawk at, for all to burn and destroy! The rest of her body shall then be hung from a cross, to again be tortured by the people. Her tissues shall be yanked out of her decadent mass one by one and be torn apart by the masses; they will be preserved in jars of broth, handed down from generation to generation as wonderful testaments to the glorious revolution which liberated the people from extreme decadence and oppression! They shall survive for so long to be daily defiled with excrement, with fire, with all manner of things! Then, after fifty years have passed, they shall be gathered in the Great Pile of Revolution, where they shall be destroyed by the might of the people!"