Last Week Tonight with John Oliver [WARNING; READER'S DISCRETION IS ADVISED]
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Welcome everyone back to the relaunch of my once upon a time hit, totally primetime, completely legal and not banned in a few countries show! This is Last Week Tonight, with your host, the one and only John Oliver! Now you might be asking, John, why did you decide to bring back a show that failed to bring in more than 420 viewers, most of whom only watched for the weird knights in the background. Well this is what I have to tell you, along with Peter Montfort who was responsible for cancelling my show and eventually getting me removed as Speaker for the European Council. F*ck off!
Look, it's been a few years since I've been in the public spotlight, but I am rehabilitated! I found God, I found a purpose in this world, and that is to exposed the truth behind Europe. I was in the Deep Region, I know what really goes on around this region, in fact I know so much this studio is in a secret location somewhere in Europe out of fear of retribution.
I mean for Christ's sake the Nicolezians would bomb someone over a dairy joke, I guess they're quite Intolerant to good humor. The Inquistans nearly burned me at the stake on four separate occasions, to the point the recent horror over what they did to Paul Craticus makes sense. Quite the mob mentality for a nation who can't even figure out what's in fashion for the week.
You know what? Everyone deserves to hear the truth, and I know for a fact who can help me out with this. It's time for our first weekly segment, Pestering Peter!
Oliver pulls out a cell phone, puts it on speaker, and dials out to an unsuspecting Peter Montfort.
(It rings momentarily before it finally is picked up)
MONFORT: Uh, hello? Who is this?
OLIVER: Hey Peter, it's John you backstabbing shit. Where's my Eurovoice Host check huh?
MONTFORT: For Christ's sake, how did you get this number? You know you're violating the five restraining orders I have on you all over the EU right?
OLIVER: None of them said I couldn't call, and my lawyer says they don't apply in Europolis.
MONTFORT: Wait? What the Fuck are you doing in Europolis right now? You know I could have you arrested for being within a thousand feet of the EUBC HQ.
OLIVER: Stop avoiding the quesiton, wheres my money? Huh?
MONTFORT: You lost the money after you caused a girl to get ki-
The call gets disconnected with visible stress on John Oliver's face.
Well if the man wants to bring up that fucking whore, it's about time I address it properly. Georgina Coldwell is a massive hoax! Trust me she was recently spotted in St. Dominico with El Caudillo.
Seems like the man along side being a national traitor not just to his home nation, but to his adoptive country and Archbishop , is also a manwhore. Georgina Coldwell is not dead, she's been travelling all over Europe since she ruined my life. She was paid for by deep region powers in order to curb my effective use of the European Council to expose the truth about Europe.
Europe is being lead by homosexual cult orgy obsessed zealots bent on destroying the foundation of family and democracy through their sinful use of pop culture. WE WILL NOT HAVE A EUROPE IF THESE PEOPLE KEEP CONTROL! Only three people really know the truth right now, well actually wait just two.
I can confirm that Georgina Coldwell was planted as a spy against Paul Craticus, he loved her a lot to the point he was going to ask her to marry him, but then she turned and gave all sorts of national security secrets to that dirty communist bastard known as Brady or whatever the fuck he is called. She killed Paul Craticus, she pushed him out a window and fed him to the fucking mob who tore him limb from limb and ate his heart.
All that's left is me, and the Prime Minister of Angleter. He knows the truth. I think Dragan Trympov ,who had a RIGGED election against him this week in the commission elections, is also getting closer to the truth. Georgina Coldwell also fucking rigged those, she used her promiscuous talents to convince people to rig votes all over the European Union against him.
And this is all at the same time she is fucking that treacherous Spainard. So say with me folks.
GEORGINA COLDWELL IS NOT DEAD AND SHE IS A WHORE! I BET YOU SHE'S DONE EVERY SINGLE DAVID CAMERON TO EVER HAVE BEEN IN A POSITION OF POWER IN THIS EUROPEAN UNION.
Now onto the main story for tonight. Reitzmag. Or well specifically, Philip Coventry and how this man fought for his nation that needed help and he was murdered for it.
Reitzmag as most of you know went through a parasitic communist revolution, Archbishop Paul Craticus this cleansed the nation in Holy Fire with the help of Harriet Copala who is also a dirty whore for different reasons. In the Aftermath, the Shitbag known as Bernie Sanders was sent by the USNR to properly pay for damages they committed.
It turns out that Jasper Winston, who you all might know as the recent Internal Affairs commission candidate and who I know as the current leader of the European Deep Region, actually convinced Conventry that Sanders was carrying money for Boris Johnson's drug ring. Winston wanted Conventry to kidnap the Shitbag Sanders in order to ensure more disorder in Reitzmag so he could take more power.
Winston is the architect of the communist revolution in Reitzmag, the Architect for the attempted assassination on its King, the architect for the kidnapping for Bernie Sanders. His most obvious act was when he and Mark Johnson conspired to kill Conventry.
Conventry my friend managed to send me an email filled with documents outlying Winston's slow but steady growing list of influence in Reitzmag and evidence of his illegal actions. The proposed Eurostar train line was actually an attempt to spread Reitzmic Drugs all over the Union along with illegal weapons in order to push more revolutions to let Reitzmag take over as a Superpower.
Winston seems popular in Reitzmag because he rules with an Iron fit. He's in charge of the trial for Johnson because he needs to make sure Johnson remains quiet since he can't just kill Johnson like he did Conventry.
Winston wanted to be Internal Affairs Commissioner to enforce a demilitarization of the EU in order to allow the European Deep Region to control all the member states without the righteous people rising up to fight him. As much as I hate Jean-Claude Juncker, the man was right in that Winston can't be trusted. The man just wants power, its why he made a Eurogroup just for himself that way he can insert his power hungry tentacles in more and more member states.
ELDR is really just an acryonym for "EUROPE LEAD AND DOMINATED BY REITZMAG", they are not liberal democrats, they are autocrats bent on enforcing their homosexual sex cultist agenda on the common man.
And the Catholic Church is helping them. The Catholic Church is not holy anymore, they are being controlled by Winston which is why he wants a Reitzmic Pope to control more and more of the Church and therefore the region.
Which is why I am announcing my candidature and platform for becoming the next Bishop of Rome.
I will lead Europe into a new Crusade to protect everyone from Homosexual Sex Cultists who intend to destroy your lives like they did mine. We have to allow polygamy to ensure we can breed a new generation of proper Catholics, and protect the Church from the disaster of a lack of populace.
With myself as Pope we can lead Europe to Greatness.
MAKE EUROPE GREAT AGAIN (TM)
GEORGINA COLDWELL IS A WHORE!
GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE AND I WILL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!
