Opening Rally - Inimicus
3rd July 2022
Portus Inimici, Inimicus
Visiting via hologram North Diessen and the United Duchies
Another day had started in Portus Inimici, the sea capital of the Empire of Inimicus. However, the citizens knew that something special would happen, something they could have been waiting for a year, approximately. Jean-Claude Juncker was runing once again in a Commission election, once more for the same position that resisted to become his: Premier Commissioner. Juncker arrived to the Inimican city a few days earlier, to explote the town while he prepared the rally with excitement. Meanwhile, his team was setting up the stage, the lights, the music... everything their 'boss' needed to shine once more over a stage, even if he was not a singer.
The crowd started to gather around the port of the Inimican coastal town, where the team thought it would be better to held a rally at. The Junckyatch had arrived the day before, so now everything was ready. The time arrived, and Seven Nation Army by the White Stripes started to play, while the crowd started to clap at the rhythm of the song. A presentator appeared on stage: Ladies and gentlemen, he is back. Please welcome your maaaaaan, JEAN-CLAUDEEEE JUNCKEEEER!. He then left the stage, and some pyrotechnics started to come of as Juncker appeared on a screen, coming out of his yatch and waving the crowd until he finally arrived to the stage. He waved the crowd once again, the music came to a stop; and there he was: a stage, a microphone, and a crowd.
"Good afternoon Portus Inimici, and also hello to our friends in North Diessen and the United Duchies, as well as for those watching this rally's livestream on YouTube and the many other choices social media offers! I can say it louder if you want, but not clearer: Jean-Claude Juncker is BACK.
Now, let's get into the matter that we came here for. As you might already know, I want to become your and every European's Premier Commissioner. This is no joke, ladies and gentlemen, that position is the highest of the European Commission and, therefore, someone who is committed, prudent and knows how to handle the region should occupy that place, common sense after all! However, these four months have been... er, how to say this... different from what you or anyone would expect from a Premier Commissioner. I remember Corinna's debate in which she said that Mr. Biden would keep being that sleepy man he was; and even if I was aware of the many qualities of Ms. Larsen, I did not know or I could never imagine that predicting the future was one of those... (The crowd started to laugh and then applauded) However, we all wish him a good retirement and I can say that being retired is sometimes better than being in politics, so he will have a nice time.
Nevertheless, we are not speaking about him at all today, but about the candidate I have just heard I am running against. His name is Calvin Kühnert, which could perfectly be the cheap replacement of Calvin Klein that you would find on a Spanish street market, that are amazing by the way; and his slogan is "Use the Budget". Okay, hold on there for a second: there is many work in the European Union left to do, and the Solomonic solution he proposes is using the budget? (Juncker opens his arms, to pretend he is like some kind of Messiah) 'Hello people of Europe, I am Calvin Klein, I mean Kühnert, and if we use all the budget we will save this region, just listen to me, I am smart and ready to make the highest budget you have ever seen! Vote for me, your new God and saviour!' (Juncker closes his arms, the crowd laughes and applauds) I do agree with him that we need to raise the budget, the European Development Agency needs more funds and if I am a Commissioner, I will guarantee that; but I want you to know how of a bad idea it is to get all of the European Union's problem sorted with money for everyone. (Juncker clears his voice) Alexa, what is the worse solution for all the EU problems? 'Using the budget'. See? Even Alexa says it!
(The crowd erupted in a thunderstorming applause)
Let me continue reading through his four platform points, and despite not having revealed mines, I swear I have got more than he does. The second thing he proposes continuing the Biden's sleepy -- excuse me, I meant "reformist" -- spirit and reforming the ECoJ selection method and the Council, making it proportional to population and allowing several representatives, because we all know that changing the way our judges are elected and getting more people inside the European Council is what both institutions need to become even more active! (Juncker then gets out a big poster with "SARCASM" written on it, the crowd laughs and applauds) I have quite a few rallies left to do, and I will talk and reveal my proposals later on, but this is definitely what we do not need. Nonetheless, this is a very Duchian thing, because let's make a trip to the past and remember what the United Duchies has given us as their candidates: Peter Leeson, who had some sort of an obsession with me and pretty sure he still does, who was the worst EPA candidate and who proposed, and this is no joke, "Europe-wide referendums to repeal or amend legislation if at least 1% of EU population equivelent signed a petition"; Desai, who also had an obsession with the EPA, shouted "NO, NO, NO!" on every rally and, within his many proposals that did not work with Biden, and would not work in Europe, we had "reducing the red tape and Euro-Dictats transforming the EU from a top down organisation dictating what nations to do to a Union of Co-operating nations"; and then Sarah Porter, who had "no instances or ideology apart from national sovereignty, and wanted to continue Biden's work". Sounds familiar, right? Cause all Duchian candidates are, more or less, the same. If you rejected them in the past, it's time to reject their fourth now.
(The crowd laughed massively and erupted in a strong applause)
Third... well, he will need to explain himself better cause I do not understand the third point, I believe it is about reducing bureaucracy and then alloting certain amount of money depending of your country's population, and surprisingly, wealth. And I thank him for this, because this gets me to the fourth point of his platforms and I hope that the people from Gadalland, Nofoaga, Lusitania and Vettonia are hearing me and have read his platforms. Mr. Kühnert believes he has the right to call 'developing nations' to these countries just because they do not meet a standart that himself has set, which is a 'GDP per capitas under 20,000 Euros'. I have had enough silly things for today, and I will now interpellate Calvin on this: who do you think you are to say who is a developing nation in this European Union under a standard nobody but you set? No nation in this region should be told what they are, no nation should be treated as poor on this region cause that is a huge insult to their people, to their Government, and more importantly, to their intelligence. Europeans, hear me out well, I swear to God I will never say that any nation of this region is poor, and I will not allow anyone to say so. Let those nations ask for help if they need it, and do not come in a messiah style to save them when they have not even asked for it.
(A massive applause took place)
Ladies and gentlemen, we have sadly come to an end of this rally, but it is, at the same time, the beginning of something bigger: a new campaign around Europe with me. It is time to stand up, to finally take on the changes Europe need, to show everyone what the power of Europe is, and I hope that I have convinced you to support me today. We can do this together, and I am the candidate the EU needs to evolve, to change, to become a better place than it already is.
Thank you very much for your attention, and have a nice day!"