Best posts made by Blue Croatia

@Istkalen

President Carter was never faced with a threat like this before. Even when his nation faced war, he knew that there was some honor to be had in losing your life to a worthy opponent. But to lose one of the greatest ABBA hits to KidzBop? This would be a disgusting, vile thing to witness. In order to relieve himself form the pressure of his situation, he turned on SOS by the magical group and found the lyrics more relatable than ever.

"WHEN YOU'RE NEAR ME DARLING, CAN'T YOU HEAR ME SOS?
THE LOVE YOU GAVE ME, NOTHING ELSE CAN SAVE ME, SOS!"

But as he was mourning the potential loss of Dancing Queen, crying but in a manly way over this frightening prospect, he came to a beautiful realization. "I know exactly what to do. Security, don't hesitate. Don't fear the KidzPop hell reigning upon us."

Suddenly, the impressive security guards ran out in fashion that would make Pamela Anderson from Baywatch worry for her career, their hot chiseled bodies dominating the delegation from Istkalen and escorting them to an isolated room in President Woods' home, cuffed them to chairs and made sure that they won't be up to any funny business. "In this country, we'd send your straggot asses to conversion therapy and turn you into literal cocksuckers, proud Blue Croatian men. But sadly, you only suck mmetaphorical cock. Losers. Luckily for you, we don't have enough time to convert you to the correct sexuality, but we have enough time for.... THIS!"
The security guard picked up his phone and furiously hit numbers for 50 seconds. "I am President Carter Wood's Security, and I have something to say. I have a challenge for you... slap some sense into these straggots challenge. Can you be here to filapplication in a momentarily? You can? Oh, fantastic!"
He then looked over at the delegation. "Someone is about to talk some damn sense into you."

While the security was taking care of the zealots, President Woods appeared in front of his people, who were worried about losing their beloved hit.

"HOW COULD YOU RISK LOSING DANCING QUEEN??? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, PRESIDENT??? EXPLAIN YOURSELF!!!"

The President laughed in a self assured manner, as if he was not the slightest bit worried. "Don't worry, I know what I've done." He then cleared his throat before explaining his reasoning. "First: This is an empthy threat. These people are religious and they know damn well that KidzBop covering Dancing Queen would summon Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and they're not called that because they're horse hung, believe me. Second of all, if we DO somehow lose Dancing Queen, this will help us identify with the most heavy-handed ABBA songs. We will be able to identify with the beauty of SOS, Fernando and Waterloo more than ever. And thirdly, even if they force the KidzBop version on us, I'll make sure that MY rendition is even more successful!"

President Carter then ascended above the people with a wire that brought him to the rootftop of his home. From there, everyone attending the event could see him just by looking up. "Let the show begin." Suddenly, the instrumentation to Dancing Queen began, backup dancers popped out of nowhere and stood beside him on the roof and the crowd instantly went wild.

"17 year old Britney Spears, this one goes out to you!

You can seduce!
You're everyone's muse!
Having the time of your life!
Oh, watch those creeps
Chasing after teens
Digging the Jail Bait Queeeeeeen!

It's 1999 and political correctness is low
While you're coming out with your show
You're serving vocals, you're serving choreo
But everyone is focused on your derriere
And when you get the chance...

You are the Jail Bait Queen!
Young and sexy, only 17!
Jail Bait Queen, cover that Rolling Stone magazine, oh yeah!
You can seduce!
You're everyone's muse!
Oh, watch those creeps
Chasing after teens
Digging the Jail Bait Queeeeeeen!"

The crowd got even wilder as they saw President Woods slay the fuck out of this musical number. "And with this, my dear guests, everyone from the foreign delegations is permitted to enter! Come on in!" As the delegates entered Carter's home, they would see a ball room connected to a dining hall filled with upper class Blue Croatians with whom they would have fun with tonight. The President himself however, went on to the secluded room with the Istkalen zealots to give them a lesson before changing his costume and joining the other people in his ball room. But as he saw them, he just sighed and turned around instantly, knowing that they'll be taken care of by the mystery guest that was about to arrive and lecutre them.

He walked toward the door, looked back, and said: "For the record, I'm Carter Woods, President of Blue Croatia and the best gay porn star in the world. Coalition of the Rightwing Straight Religious Nuts, with your permission, you need to put your situation to rest. Once again, the world have proven: Anything the straights can do, gays can do better." He shut the door and walked towards the ball room to talk with the high society people.

Brief history of Blue Croatia:

The Male Ego
In ancient times, the divided Croatian tribes ended their long-lasting conflict after realizing how close they were to wiping themselves out. Out of this, the Absolutist Monarchy of Red Croatia was born, named red in honor of Croatian blood that was shed as a result of Internal conflict. The newborn nation was fixated on repopulating, and in order to accomplish that they built countless temples to goddesses of sex and gave fertile women the highest status in society.

This helped make Red Croatia an incredibly powerful, vast nation that was ran by powerful, sexually dominant, desirable women with stunning features and motherly character qualities. These were the beginnings of the infamous Red Croatian diva worship.

Though most were in favor of this development, a small but significant segment was not. Most notably, this new order enraged a group of Red Croatian men that historians nicknamed the "Masc 4 Mascs."

Imma Make My Own Country, With Blackjack and Gay Porn
The Masc 4 Mascs were strictly homosexual men who despised any nation of femininity. They only wanted to perform coitus with other manly men and despised being seen as procreation tools for Red Croatian matriarchs.

Due to their astounding fitness, they effortlessly escaped Red Croatia, populated an unclaimed land, and formed a nation known as "Blue Croatia.” The founding fathers claimed they named it blue after the crystal blue waters of their newfound nation, but this was a transparent attempt to conceal the petty decision to choose the color most different to red.

In order to procreate, they used their phenomenal physical strength to raid a Germanic tribe, kill all men deemed unfuckable and chose to procreate with the manly, hairy women there. In order to differentiate themselves from the pussified Red Croats, the Blue Croats began speaking German and drew influence from the barbaric Germanic tribes they conquered and promptly fucked. To this day, learning Red Croatian is seen as appalling.

Not-So-Modern Times
Though Blue Croatia has been around for almost as long as Red Croatia, their population and influence is comically smaller. While Red Croatia is a global force known for its beauty and sensational entertainment industry, Blue Croatia’s heterophobia and sexism have been leading factors in making it a relatively small and poor nation.

For most men, sex with women is seen as purely procreational and straight men are looked down upon. They are frequently mocked and addressed with slurs like “you pussy licking straggot, go back to Red Croatia!” Women there avoid showing femininity and go out of their way to be as manly as possible. Blue Croatian women are notorious for not shaving their armpits, wearing dresses, or using makeup. Any sign of femininity is seen as a weakness, especially any form of femininity that is seen as Red Croatian. The name of the iconic Red Croatian doll, Barbie, is synonymous with the Devil’s name in Blue Croatia.

But in spite of its many problems, Blue Croatia is an absolute beast at sports (especially wrestling and anything including balls), everyone there is incredibly sexually active and there is a genuine sense of brotherhood amongst its people. The Blue Croatian people are seen as living a barbaric, hypersexual, and raw lifestyle that is often either criticized or glamorized by people from other countries.

One thing Blue Croats have in common with Red Croats is body shaming. While Red Croatia holds the world record for eating disorders and plastic surgery, Blue Croatia holds the world record for steroid use. The nation’s citizens live under intense pressure to live up to the homonormative expectations placed on them.

However, don’t tell Blue Croats they have anything in common with people hailing from their mother nation. Anything Red Croatian, especially that straggot bitch Barbie, is seen as part of the harmful Heterosexual Agenda there to destroy the glorious Republic of Blue Croatia.

Now that Blue Croatia has managed to join the European Union, they are keen on manspreading in Europolis, becoming an influential nation and showing that dumb hetero Red Croatia whose boss.

Patrick stuttered.

"Wow, that's a great question..."

Internally, he felt like he was sinking, grasping for air and looking for any possible excuse.

"I wasn't... expecting that question...."

"um."

"Um."

He kept stuttering, in the key of E major.

As he stood in shellshock, he recalled all of the times when he enjoyed the joys of female music. When he was a child and got his mum to buy him a pet snake so he can recreate Britney's Slave 4 U VMA performance, when he seductively break danced thinking he was Beyonce in Crazy in love, when he dropped it low while wearing a pink wig imagining himself as Nicki Minaj and perfectly reciting lines about how this one is for the boys with the boomin system, top down, AC, in the coolin system!

He rehearsed his excuses for if people found out about his clandestine Spotify playlist, but he didn't know that he would be a deer caught in the headlights when it happened. He thought that it would get leaked in the media and then he would have time to gatter his thoughts.

This, however, felt like the equivalent of having your private sex tape being uploaded on a Pornhub livestream right before your eyes, leaving Baitfemme in an absolutely manic state.

"Ha! What lies! That is not what I listen to at all! I am... actually... ummm..."
FUCK. SHIT. DAMN. WHAT THE FUCK DO I SAY
GOD DAMN IT SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCK
"I am... a Kanye West fan! Yes! And to prove it..."
He grabbed his mic and ran to the middle of the stage.
"Sound guy! Play the karaoke track to Runaway! Immediately!"
SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCK OK OK OK Ok Ok ok o k ok o k ok I got this I got this I got this
"Let's gooooo!
LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

As the performance was starting, Patrick seemed aggressively confident in what he was doing, though in his state of hysteria (oops, sorry, men don't have those) or uh I mean his state of being in blackout beast mode rage, he lost his focus and started reciting the lyrics to the Nicki Minaj Monster verse with an altered flow that fit this instrumentation.

"PULL UP IN THE MONSTA AUTOBOMILE GANGSTA
WITH A BAD BITCH THAT CAME FROM SRI LANKA
YE IM THAT TONKA COLOR OF WILLY WANKA
YE U CAN BE THE KING BUT WATCH THE QUEEN CONQUER
FIRST THINGS FIRST ILL EAT YO BRAINSSSS
THEN IMMA START ROCKING GOLD TEETH AND FAAAAANGS
CUZ THAT'S WHAT A MOTHERFUCKING MONSTA DO
HAIRDRESSA FROM MILAN THAT'S A MONSTA DO
MONSTER GUISEPPE HEEL THAT'S DA MONSTA SHOOOE"

He kept on going like his life depended on it, and kept repeating the same verse seven times over Runaway's exhaustive 9 minute duration.

The only time he actually stayed loyal to the original interpretation was towards the end, when he started whining into his microphone like a defeated child, sounding exactly like the original author.

What the fuck am I supposed to do
What the FUCK am I supposed to do
God, I know everyone is making fun of me
My secret is out
I'm... a Nicki stan
Pull in the Sri Lanka whaaat?
I'm not who I pretended to be al these years
I am an alpha... yes... but in a fun bad bitch yesss type of way
Not in a keep women in the basement making sandwiches type of way
God, what the fuck am I gonna do
Dear Jesus, WHAT am I gonna do
I need something to cover this up
I can't stay defeated
You know that the world can't keep a good bitch down
I have to do... something
SOMETHING
I have to...
yes.
yes.
yes.
Hahahahaehaha yessss sI know exactly what to do

Suddenly, he remembered Nicki Minaj's iconic BET speech that he watched in secrecy, and for the first time it hit him what she really meant.

"You know what... I know what...
I lived so much of my life in fear that people will find out who I really am.
Ya know?
And as I was doing all of this shit right here right now, I was internally praying to just disappear, I literally wanted to die.
And then it hit me... Damn, I'd rng dather sit here and fucking die in front of all of ya'll than what, confess who I really am?
Confess that I enjoy music that I find fun, empwering, strong, incredible?
Ya, ok, I get it, it's not my image
Ye, I got it, sure, fine, whatever, people like want me to act different or something but uh
Fuck it
The realization that I really just wanted to fucking die because I was just showing my real self, but I am still alive... shows that
Imma just do me! YE! IMMA DO ME! And I dont care what anybody else got to say!
I survived! I'm alive!
I'm a SURVIVOR

I'm NOT gon give up

I'm GON work hard

I'll keep on SURVIVIN!

ISTKALEN LADY, WHAT'S GEWD?"

When Blue Croatia was first founded, it was with the intention of escaping from the grasp of Red Croatia's matriarchal ways that placed most people in heteronormative relationships where the woman was praised for her ability to bear children. The masculine gay men who opposed this worship of women created this glorious nation to be liberated from the chains of Red Croatian heteronormativity and female dominance over the realm of sex.

However, now that the Republic has joined the European Union, they are forced to function in a mostly straight society and interact with women who do shave their armpits and would be caught dead in a dress, wearing makeup.

As preparation for what the country is going to deal with in the future, President Carter Woods invited many influential people from across Europe to join him for a ball at his home, and made a conscious effort to include The Straights.

Though it appears to be a warm invitation at first, what many people who are not in tune with this newly-integrated-into-Europe nation don't know is that President Wood's decision is bound to be a huge controversy in the nation, and that every small gesture might be perceived as pushing of the Heterosexual Agenda.

These heads of state don't know that their behavior at this event might just determine the future of The Straights in Blue Croatia.... assuming there will be a future for them after this...

Prior to entering the ball, there is a red carpet organized in front of the Woods mansion for the Blue Croatian press, where there are bound to be some potentialy awkward questions about where every attendee comes from, as Blue Croatia and the rest of the European Union still are not familiar with each other.

@Mishar-Republic The Blue Croatian press had mixed feelings about seeing Ross. At first, they appreciated knowing he was gay but were turned off by him not having a fit body, but once he started speaking they got even more confused. They liked the aggressive, militant homo attitude but were repulsed by his high-pitched, feminine voice. One reporter even rudely three a pack of cigarettes at him, shouting "It will help with your throat! Fuck lung cancer, that larynx needs to be dried out."

There was an air of confusion and curioisity while the press were covering Ross.
"Dear Ross Matthews, is your weight a medical side effect from your female to male transition? Is voice training the next step jn embracing your new gender identity?' They assumed he was trans for his failure to match Blue Croatian standards for masculinity.
"Are you hoping there will be glory holes in President Carter's bathroom?"
"Do you happen to be a fan of Barbie?"

@Istkalen As soon as the delegation from Istkalen arrived, the crystal blue skies became cloudy and birds that were happily chirping on the trees changed their melody to a dark, conniving one. President Carter, just as he was done giving a thumbs up to Prince Tommy's "yh" reply on Grindr, could sense a dark force enter his presence... but not in a sexy way. This is the moment he both anticipated and feared.

"The straights have arrived."

Due to Blue Croatia's shallow understanding of foreign countries, he did not know exactly what he was going to be up against, but he could smell the heterosexuality and Christianity off these new arrivals. The scent was so strong it could be sensed from approximately 202 miles away (how close he was to Prince Tommy according to Grindr).

In preparation for what was about to ensue, he turned on Nicki Minaj's Pound The Alarm (Roman Remix, because he can only listen to female artists if they are performing as their male alter ego). He knew every lyric to the altered version, and it perfectly fit what he was planning.

"In this nation, I own a hundred percent
Some call me Daddy, some call me President
We might all be gay, but this ain't like Ibiza
We worship Sean Cody, not Minnelli Liza

Sexy, sexy, that's all I do
If you need a gay porn star, let me call a few
Whips, cuffs and that high quality smut
Will help me turn these good Christians out"

While President Woods was preparing for the boss fight, the mini bosses (the press) made their way to Istkalen's delegation and showered them with questions.

"What childhood trauma triggered you into having this worship kink?"
"Is this black veiled presentation a social commentary on the popularity of blank profiles on Grindr?"
"Are you planning to rip all of this off once you pay President Woods... a special visit?"
"Didn't that straggot bitch Kim Kardashian wear this to the Met Gala? How unoriginal."
"Who is this Jesus person and what is he doing to you to have you this whipped? Damnnnn, tell us everything, don't be greedy!"

The delegation from Istkalen and President Carter were both GIVING at the same time, slaying the game and feeling their oats with musical numbers that represented their ideals.

Though these two energies were opposite, they were.... equal. The magnetic forced of radical Christianity and flamboyant homosexuality somehow completed one another. They were so appalling to one another it flipped back into them being attractive to one another.

Like a plus and a minus, a sperm and an egg, a talented pop diva and Selena Gomez, these two opposites fed off one another.

In this glorious moment of simultaneous pussy popping and Christ worship, the cloudy skies became clear again and a rainbow appeared over the Blue Croatian sky.

The press was thrilled. They were not only extremely enthusiastic about the change in wearher, but they surprisingly loved the religious nuts' performance. "I never knew the Straights could be so... camp! Yessss, it is giving Jesus Christ Superstar. Praise and worship, babe. Praise and worship." The gays applauded at the campiness of the people that thought they belonged in hell. Even Amaziah's interference was met with enthusiasm.

"Yess, Zaddy Amaziz.. uha? Whatever your name is, yesss Zaddy give us the drama!" The paparazzi were quick to snap photos and capture this moment. "READ HER, DRAG HER, SLAY HER, WHO IS SHE???"

President Carter looked at this from his surveilance camera with rage. "My people don't even know how hard I snapped because my performance was not public, but these dumb bitches are giving the Gays everything they want? I am NOT going to be outslayed by these straggots."

Suddenly, a hologran of President Woods appeared before the red carpet attendees.
"Istkalen's delegation, though your religious propaganda was Christian... your underwear wasn't Andrew Christian. My dear, you are up for banishment."

The crowd was gagging, as they knew what this meant. President Woods was referencing Blue Croatia's most famous show, Chad's Deag Race, where drag king would compete in impersonating the superior gender. If they failed to do well in challenges like spittibg as far as they can, they were put up for elimination in lipsyncs for their lives where they would perform songs by artistic legends like Pitbull, Flo Rida and Kane Brown.

"The terms are simple, Istkalenterianananses, if you perform better, you get to enter the event and we will let you host a religious Ted Talk that we will all listen to. If you lose, you drop the religious nonsense and have a gay good time tonight. NO DRAMA. The winner will be determined by crowd reaction."

"Choose your fiercest diva to go up against me in this Lipsync For Your Banishment, and we will perform our rendition of the same song. In order to make it fair, I am choosing a song that appeals to the gays, the straights, the elderly, the children, the taste having, the tastelsss, Blue Croats and Red Cdoats...."

"ABBA's Dancing Queen!"

The crowd clapped and cheered at the song selection. "Yup, that's fair, that's fair!" The security then had everyone gathering in a big circle to observed the spectacle.

Children were always instructed to be in the very first row, so the delegation from the Duchies was instructed by security to send them there to get the best view. "It is important that your kids see this from a close distance, as the two challengers are about to pop the corn and feed the children!"

While the debate location was being set up, Patrick was doing a glamorou-... ravishin-... wait, we need more masculine adjectives... a really badass photoshoot at the streets of Europolis to promote his premiership. While he was posing and workin-... eating u-... slayin-... uhhh, fucking up the photoshoot (with positive connocations) he noticed a huge crowd of people walking towards somewhere, which is when he remembered. "Oh shit, I actually have a thingy to do."

But as he looked on at the huge crowd, he noticed that things were becoming problematic. The debate attracted such a huge audience that it became a public hazard, forcing the Europolis police to interfere and control the mess that was occurring. Some people were even getting violent! This debate was gonna be spicy.

When Patrick observed this, he stopped the photoshoot immediately, ripped off his tuxedo jacket and walked over to the line of policemen holding the human stampedo back, held his arms out and yelled out. "Stop! There is no need for this...

I have a Pepsi multipack!

Siri, play politically woke music."

The Kendall Jenner Riot Prevention technique worked effortlessly, as the crowd and the police men cheered with enthusiasm as "We are the lioooooons, we are the chooooooosen, they're gonna knoooooow who we areeee" played in the background. The hug-... giganti-... ginormou-... gargantuan crowd then went on to their designated seats, with many having to sit on the ground because the capacity wasn't able to handle all the people the event attracted.

Patrick strutted in a very masculine way to his podium, where he aggressively gripped teh microphone and started introducing himself while walking around on the stage. He sure as hell was gonna use up every part of the area available to him without sticking to his designated box.

"Look what we're up against. A fat, low value woman who claims to be anti-elitist and anti-spending, but only because she's a broke bitch who would be the first sperm eliminated if we incorporated an eugenics law in the EU.."

"Don't get me wrong, I am not sexist, but this woman is clearly not in tune with her divine feminine, sex symbol, goddess energy. I bet she hasn't even seen How To Marry A Millionaire, let alone Who Framed Roger Rabbit? in order to portray her gender in a positive, acceptable way. All I'm saying is that, and trust me I am not sexist, is that if you are already gonna be a woman... how can you do that without being queen, slay, or even purr? BFFR."

@Icholasen Carter Woods, the President of Blue Croatia who was watching the event through surveilance cameras, was thrilled with Prince Tommy. "THE exiled gay prince of our neighbor country, who happens to be in an open relationship. I can work with this. Oh, how I can work with this."

Though Tommy assumably turned off his phone for the press, due the hackarization from President Woods' sources, the Prince's phone buzzed and a loud Grindr notification sound was heard. If the Prince were to open the notification, he would see that HungPolitician4CakedUpPolitician, a blank yet strangely alluring profile, sent him a message saying "Wanna do something so naughty you get exiled from this country too, big boy?"

They say a picture speaks louder than a thousand words, ao let me answer with this.

And I have to say, I am deeply offended by the way that ypu phrased your question. The way that you decided to divide homosexual men with internalized homopbia, homoseuxal men who accept themselves but are recreational buddhists and straight men is absolutely criminal! A man is a man. Even if he's a work of fictional (read: heterosexual) he is still a man. This divisiveness is exactly what is Europe's biggest problem.

So yes, I do promise to be the leader of ALL Europeans, not just some.

I promise to lead the hot men, the ugly men, the tall men, the short men, the sexualy active men, the virgin men, the men with taste, the people who don't like Lana Del Rey, the sexy men, the men in their flop eras, the homosexual men, the bicurious men, the manly men, the men going their own way and hell even the incels! My leadership does not discriminate, I am for everybody!

@Icholasen
"Pissing all by yourself, handsome?" President Carter said as he walked up to the urinal next to Prince Tommy. "I've been waiting for my chance to fuck up the Nicoletzian fuck-up." He winked before leaning over the urinal to compare their bladder instruments. "Let's compare sizes?" He said before going over and crossing their swords. "Wow, your's is as big as Serbia! But mine is asbig as Serbia with Kosovo. Let's commit genocide together, babe." He initiated a passionate kiss.

What a ridiculous question! Yes, I fully believe in heterosexual marriage and same-sex marriage between women. I think the mentally ill should be treated with kindness and understanding. As a matter of fact, I'm an even firmer believer in heterosexual and lesbian divorce! Now, that's the right way to do it.

I'm fine with all of these things occuring... as long as they don't in Blue Croatia. Ya'll stay safe tho.

"Oh, I'll keep you #safe. I'm going to make sure that you're protected, well-respected, healthy. wealthy. rich and that bitch." He grabbed him and kept on passionately kissing him, his charisma being so overwhelming that one would willingly get an STI just to spend one night with him, one would risk his liiii-i-i-i-ifeeee to fee-e-e-e-l President Carter's body next to his. "Come on, Prince. Join the King in his bedroom."