The Ministry of Truth
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Owen Jones: Hello and welcome to the Ministry of Truth's daily news segment, I am your host Owen Jones. Today, our glorious Foreign Minister Bernie Sanders is heading to Vayinaod (wherever that is!) to conduct peace talks on behalf of Chairman Jirluchuz. Our glorious nation will demand concessions from the evil Reiztmic and Inquistan capitalists, which, we will no doubt get. I've been checking your tweets and, boy, you guys are fired up about this summit. Keep attacking those liberals!
Next up in the news, no bridges have been destroyed despite reactionary propaganda claiming the contrary. The Saint Romain Bridge was actually demolished to make way for a bridge of Socialist Unity between the north side of the city and the south. Anyone who disagrees with this can visit the Ministry of Truth and taste lead.
Our figure of national public shaming today is Mikaela Klingenberg. Capitalism never looked so poorly dressed. Our glorious nation would never accept such a busted looking old bat. Despite being a blood sucking millionaire member of the 1%, Prince Tommy did raise some points about how terrible she. Not enough points to be spared the firing squad though.
Thanks for tuning in for the Ministry of Truth's daily segment. And remember comrades, if you're not bullying people on Twitter you're not doing enough to promote our friendly ideals!
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Owen Jones: Comrades we have been condemned by the European Council. That evil body of quasi-elected capitalists disgust me every single day. Ironically, the Reitzmic Councillor abstained despite his hatred of our proletariat Guardian-reading revolution. They really thought they could get planes from us. Well, now no one can! Unless it's via Czech Slavia of course!
Comrades, it's no secret the European establishment is against our workers' revolution. It's no surprise they hate us. We have been denied our representation in Europe, just like LGBT people are denied representation in Disney films. There for 2 seconds and then, poof, gone! Expelled from the Council floor. This is a great shame, and I hope that disgusting (but hot) capitalist Edward Firoux resigns.
Now, our figure of national shaming today is Poppy Carlton-Romanov. Imagine being a parasitic royal - I could never. Not only is she a leech, she has terrible dress sense too. That dress with those shoes? They go together as well as the proletariat and liberal democracy. Hint: that means not very well, honey!
Well, thanks for tuning in Comrades. Remember, we shame people everyday so if you have any figures of national shaming you'd like to see, send us a Tweet.
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Owen Jones: Hello Guardian readers, welcome to the Ministry of Truth's daily broadcast. The Politburo has decided to rename Saint Regina, Regina of course meaning Queen, and Saint being a hideous reminder of religion, the literal opium of the people. Of course this has got to change. The new name is Cesae Vauvra, meaning city of the people in Nicoleizian. Other cities will follow suit when the politburo feels as though their names need changing. Of course, Saint Regina was the most flagrant example of the religious/monarchist monopoly on power and had to be changed. Long live Cesae Vauvra!
Now our figure of national shaming today is Paloma Faith. Now, I know some of you Guardian reading Twitter antisemites rather liked her, but the time has come for her to face the music. She has been reported to be holding Piane Daggot hostage in an undisclosed location, along with Air Marshall Katya Petrovna Zamolodchikova. This is disgusting and cannot stand. Not only is she an enemy of the people, but, she's an awful singer. So whiny! Very sad.
