Eurovoice 47 Results Show
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Joan Rivers walked up to the stage of the Fashion Police recording studio, warmly greeted by her cheering audience. ’’Ok, out of all the dumb gau shit I have done in my life, this might just be the dumbest and the gayest... But by the orders of the Queen of Red Croatia herself, I am the bitch whose gonna tell you who won Eurovoice! But more importantly, I am gonna let you know is the person presenting the votes fugly or not.’’
The audience laughed, thrilled and horrified of what is to come. Joan was adored in this country, and as was Eurovoice, as they loved nothing more than making fun of people’s looks and bad campy music.
’’Instead of going country by country to get their votes, we already tallied the results and are taking the power back! We will be going to the presenters to tell them if their country won, as opposed to doing it the other way around, and then also tell them if they are hot or not! LET’S GOOOO!!!’’
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’’First up, we have to talk about the bitch got disqualified for not voting. I know why Mishar Republic did not send in their votes, beucase they knew they’’re losing anyway and gonna look busted... but NO, we are not letting you off the hook that easy. ’’
’’Pavla Tomicovaa sadly could not join us because she is busy sitting on her ass in her flop ass country, but don’t worry, the fact that she is as fugly as he rcountry’s results is no secret.’’
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’’Next up we have Reitzmag with the worst result anyone has ever gotten in 10 Eurovoices... Jesus Christ, I don’t watch the shit show I am presenting for, but I am sure it sucked. Anyways, let us see their presenter.’’
’’Oooh damn, Reitzmag out here flopping but they are sending their FORMER PRESIDENT to receive the votes... Look Mr. Joe , you look good for your age, and you look damn good for a 2nd to last place country. Keep exfoliating that skin, grandpa...’’
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’’Next up we have Brickston, the country that chose to send thre men to send together. The premise is promising, but none of them were gay, flamboyant, nor promoting their music on Grindr. On the contrary, they were aggressively foreign and homosexual. You can see how that worked on Eurovoice... 11th place.’’
’’Just like the song, the presenter is mediocre and white, fuckable if you are horny enough.’’
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’’And then in 10th place we have United Duchies.. Chris, I remember how Red Croatia voted about this song. Turned it on Youtube, saw the length, and put it only above Mishar. Yikes. Let’s see if the presenter is as flop as the boring ass long song.’’
)’’Ooookaaay, not too bad, she is kinda fuckable if you are into mediocre women going through a mid life crisis and trying to become rock stars. I see the niche appeal. Sadly, Europe did not.’’
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’’Okay, ninth place, we are getting to the point where you sucked but it is not super embarassing to be be in this bracket anymore. Fremet! Another trifecta of straight people singing together in fucking RED CROATIA during fucking EUROVOICE. Damn it, when will they learn...’’
’’Oh Betty, you gorgeous little dumb slut who I have loved for years, please go and tell your countrymen to get their shit together for next EV. ’’
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’’And in eight place we have, shockingly, an average looking Latina woman sensually singing about her feelings! What the fuck, I thought this is the kind of dumbfuckery people vote for... Anyways...’’
’’Fucking mess. Go back home and dress yourself properly young boy! Inquistan culture is NOT your costume!’’
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’’And in seventh place we have an overplayed Leagio classic, and a presenter that could not have made it here. Well fuck you too, Leagio, I bet the presenter was ugly as shi anyway.’’’
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’’Next up we have a tie between two depressed Asian women, Inquista and Ethile. I am not sure if they actually tied or my racist counter mixed them up, but let’s just roll with this shit.’’
’’Finally, somebody who actually deserves to wear the Inquistan national costume! See, it is ugly, but at least she isn’t offending anyone wearing it. Except my eyes.’’
’’And then we have White Guy Nm 19520. Ok, next.’’
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’’And then we have the Latina bad bitches from California, that SADLY CANNOT BE HERE EITHER. Yo, maybe if you sent a proper presenter, you wouldnt be 4th and get your place on the podium. But alas, let us see who is winning this shit...’’
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’’In third place, we have Spain! Great job, the song served cunt, and Europe was absorbed by it.’’
’’As we can see, the presenter is serving as much as the song. Now that is a good ass looking woman. From the way she stands, it is like she is telling us... Yeah, I could fuck with the jury to secure my country the win, but I don’t have to. Great job, chiquitita!’’
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’’In second place, we have the amazing sultry yet classy entry from Icholasen! Now, what I really liked about this song was that she kept all her clothes on for the video, but she was fucking us with her eyes, her demeanor. She showed the girls how you really get that Eurovoice high placement, and that is no tall task.’’
’’And their presenter! My gosh! Now this is a woman who se photo I show to my plastic surgeon. I have no idea what she does to stay looking this hot, but hey, perhaps we should learn from her and start singing depressed French music. You go queen!’’
’’But of course, this fucking means...’’
’’Red Croatia won.’’
The crowd cheers wildly, as Joan sighs.
Fuck, I hope I dont have to do this dumb shit next time, but we did deserve it. Helene, you served cunt, and our presenter...
’’Fuck it Alex, you look damn good too. THE BLONDE CROATIAN BITCHES ARE WINNING, AND WE ARE STAYING ON TOP BABY. NOW LET US LISTEN TO HELENE SLAY ONCE MORE!!!’’
The crowd gathers for an emotional performance of Atemlos Durch Die Nacht, enjoying the cunt being served in front of them.
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