When Whoopi Came to Tea
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When Whoopi Came to Tea
Fremet--Inimicus Summit
Telum, Telum Capital District, Empire of Inimicus
Telum's soft and breezy winter was once again out in full strength the day Whoopi Gaarder was due to arrive at the Imperial Palace. Emperor Artabanos, dressed for the occasion in His favourite suit (the one with all the extra pockets He used to stash cigars, hip flasks, speech ideas, and the phone numbers of important folks over at Nuntius Inimici) and white-pink striped tie, felt a shiver roll up His spine as a gust of wind swept over the Imperial Square, which had been emptied awaiting the Fremetian Staatsoberhaupt's arrival.
It was the first time a Fremetian Staatsoberhaupt had visited Inimicus. Indeed, it was the first time a Fremetian Staatsoberhaupt had visited anywhere. Gaarder's position had, after all, only existed since April last year. The thought of a nation throwing off its undesirable monarchy and replacing it with a democratically-elected head of state (albeit indirectly) unnerved the Emperor somewhat. Nevertheless, He thought, there was no way a similar development could occur in Inimicus. Not with the way He had arranged things.
There was little time for wandering off into thought, however, as at that moment, the Staatsoberhaupt's motorcade appeared on the Imperial Square. Artabanos, from His position high on the steps of the Palace, wondered whether the crowds had ever cheered for Him the way they were currently cheering for Gaarder. Probably. But perhaps not voluntarily. The signal was given for Him to descend down the steps and along the red carpet the Palace stewards had put out in their usual perfection. Flanked by members of the Imperial Guard in ceremonial dress, who would momentarily be inspected by the two heads-of-state, the Emperor made His way to the now stationary Fremetian car.
Perhaps there was much Artabanos could learn from Whoopi. Perhaps there was much Whoopi could learn from Artabanos. Nevertheless, for whatever reason the nations they both represented had had an unnecessarily cold relationship these past years, something which the Emperor hoped to fix today. Not hoped, He thought, will fix. Something I will fix. Fremet's unique position in northern Europe, where Inimician influence was only minor, made it an ideal partner for Artabanos. At the same time, He had read with great concern Gaarder's acceptance speech, in which she called for an open dialogue with the government of the UNSR.
"Ah well", thought Emperor Artabanos, "No one's perfect -- certainly not I". He greeted the Staatsoberhaupt as she exited her vehicle.
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Whoopi's distrust of both Inimicus and Artabanos was palpable.
She looked out of her window to see the sights of Telum growing larger as her plane descended towards the city's airport.
Artie and the former king Gustaf had a close working relationship, and Whoopi knew that Artie would be none too pleased over Fremet's recent transition back to republicanism. There was also the sense that Fremet had no need to be spending precious diplomatic capital on such an exchange— especially with such a morally ambiguous government.
That being said, this distrust was balanced by the coinciding geopolitical interests of both Inimicus and Fremet. In an increasingly imbalanced and unstable continent, Whoopi appreciated the will of Artabanos to maintain a consistent line in all of the noise. Fremetian economic policy had once again returned to isolationism, though with such limited natural resources, who could Fremet trust to be a stable and balanced trading partner for the coming years? The High Council was looking for another strategic partner in the south of Europe, and Inquistan pressure to close the naval base in Saint Dominico only made this matter even more pressing— so perhaps cooperation was needed after all?
Fremet had its security and its prosperity. Now is the time for it—for Whoopi— to ensure the continuance of both.
Her thoughts continued to percolate on the future of Fremet as she sat in silence awaiting her arrival.
In classic Fremetian fashion, the delegation was small and understated. Fremetians prefer the more subtle and solid attributes of power to the lesser flamboyant pomp of many others. One finds balance in discipline, discipline in strength, and true strength from balance. Whoopi grasped the sword given to her at her appointment as Fremetian head of state. She was the first Staatsoberhaupt to carry it in nearly a century. The sword, forged at the initial unification of the ten provinces from the ancient meteor that formed Lake Fjell, was still as sharp as it was 300 years before. She pulled her robes about her, concealing the weapon in its sheath.
Immediately after landing, she was whisked away in the federal motorcade deep into the impressive (and spotless) Inimican capital. As she meditated in the rear of the car, she heard (to a degree of surprise) the sound of cheering crowds— a sound she rarely heard outside the bounds of the homeland. A small smile creeped across her face as she focused her thoughts on the task at hand and turned towards the door.
She greeted Artabanos in a traditional Fremetian greeting: her arm extending towards the Emperor bent at a 45 degree angle, her hand firmly grasping Artie's forearm, and her brilliant brown eyes piercing directly into his. Her aide gasped (this was not part of the agenda) and held a deep bow in the direction of the Emperor, hands clasped together.
With a smile, Whoopi said, "Greetings Your Imperial Majesty."
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Artabanos was slightly taken aback by the intense, firm greeting the Fremetian Staatsoberhaupt used on her arrival to the Imperial Palace. 'If this is the way things will be today, I might as well start my daily bottle of single malt right now', the Emperor thought, keeping His usual composure and unyielding facial expression.
"Welcome, Your Excellency. I trust your journey was to your satisfaction? Actually, before we continue, two things", Artabanos said, and watched Whoopi and her staff tremble with anticipation and, if His judge of character was correct, a hint of anxiety, "First off, you really needn't bow, I'm not the Pope -- fortunately not, given recent events -- ah. That was probably insensitive. Whoops. Ah well. Eh, anyway -- yes, may I suggest we continue on a first-name basis? You are entering My home, after all, and would be honoured if you should call me Artabanos -- or even, Artie."
Artabanos and Gaarder proceeded through the heavy bronze doors of the Imperial Palace, trailed by the Fremetian Staatsoberhaupt's aides, the Imperial Curator Palatii (who had immediately sought out the Fremetian aide responsible for Gaarder's dietary requirements), and Imperial Guard escorts. "You know", Artabanos began as the pair made its way to the parade ground, where the Guard of Honour was to be inspected, "It wasn't all too long ago when I had your last Head of State over in My Palace. Would I call King Gustaf your predecessor? Whatever he was, he knew how to eat. And drink. Ah, the times... I got to know him in Europolis, did you know? I was a young man, full of spirit and, you might not believe this, a head full of hair too. He liked my hair... " Artabanos noticed Whoopi's slight discomfort at His musings, and swiftly recombobulated Himself.
"In any case, before we look at men in uniform, you must tell Me all about this recent transition Fremet went through. It's really rather intriguing that our nations appear to have gone through exactly the opposite developments in the last decade. Of course, I would not compare Fremet with the war-struck Empire of Inimicus in 2011. Our nation then was different -- not quite to My taste, as you'll know, and many, many deeply-rooted changes were needed to get us up to our current levels of prosperity. But I take it Fremet has a long history of republicanism?"
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Whoopi stifled a small giggle over Artie's comment on the Pope. Silly continentals, she thought to herself.
Whoopi was grateful for the warm response she had received from Artie. "Thank the gods. I loathe titles," she answered, her voice settling in her usual low, soothing tone.
"It saddened me to hear of what happened to Gustaf— though to be frank my sadness is not for him but for the perception of Fremet that he has tarnished through his selfish acts. I'm also far from surprised." She continued speaking as they entered through a set of impressive bronze doors into the satisfyingly well-appointed palace, "Royals and politicians alike far too often allow the trimmings of power to get to their heads— hence why its best to remove them." Whoopi said with a wink.
"I must say Artabanos, you have alot to be proud of here. My own country took over 30 years to rebuild itself from the utter nothingness that remained after the occupation, and you appear to have achieved the same in a fraction of the time. You have built a mostly peaceful realm, and I can only hope that the same peace your people experience can be someday reflected in you."
"Onto your question, yes. Democratic processes have existed in some form in Fremet since the tribal era. Chieftains were always vested with the powers of tribal councils to lead. The councils included all members of the community of age in smaller tribes, and of borough council heads in larger ones. That same practice has endured for over 2000 years to the current High Council, which has vested its powers with me. This system is mirrored across provincial and local government across Fremet.
Gustaf was crowned through a provision within the 1935 Constitution allowed for an individual to be vested with limited powers and privileges and serve for life. The Third and Fourth Republics were both instances where the vesting process failed to find a monarchial candidate under the 1935 provisions. Last year's referendum used a mechanism included in the 1935 constitution that amended Article IV to remove that limited, lifetime position. As a council of 101 people cannot run the executive of Fremet, a head of state must be appointed. The Article IV provisions only allow vesting executive privledge in the Staatsminister when there is a lifetime head of state, hence the existence of my office and my presence here.
The position of Staatsoberhaupt has existed since the formation of the Confederation of Fremetia by the Ten Kingdoms in 654 AD."
Whoopi suddenly became aware of how long she had been talking— and knew very well her tendency to ramble.
She laughed and said, "Sorry Artie— I quite enjoy history and can get very passionate when speaking about it. Have you any questions or shall we examine those fine specimens waiting for us?"
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"This is most intriguing", said Artabanos, preferring to dismiss Whoopi's apparent jab at his relatively long tenure in power -- and near-absolute power at that. "I very much agree that a council of 100+ politicians cannot rule a nation. I find it hard enough to get a council of 20 people to agree on the simplest of things. Fortunately, I've got some very skillful whips who do that job for me. Have you ever met Wilfred Cocx? No, I thought not. I'm sure you'd get along well."
The two leaders brushed past the mural Artabanos had installed, showing Himself leading the Barringtons into the capital in an Ancient-style triumph -- He suspected the Czech president had not understood the humour behind it, and could already imagine Whoopi's facial expression the moment He would start explaining. "Ah, well, thank you for your kind words, Whoopi", He said, not knowing whether her kind comments were in fact another jab at His reign, "It most certainly took some time to get peace established in this realm of Mine. I'm sure you will be aware of the trials and tribulations of 2012, 2013, and indeed, 2014. Possibly 2015. 2016 at a stretch. And let's not forget the 2020 assassination attempt. In any case, Inimicus is prosperous like it has never been before, our economy is booming -- and we would be more than keen on expanding our economic relationships with nations such as Fremet."
Flanked by aides and household officials, the duo emerged on the other side of the Imperial Palace, where a parade ground had been laid out and a contingent of the Imperial Guard were awaiting inspection. "Now, Whoopi, restrain yourself", Artabanos joked, "These are members of the Imperial Guard Investigation Unit, and they'll find out literally everything about you if you so much as speak a word to them... Goodness knows, I speak from experience here."
Artabanos and Whoopi took position on a small dais overlooking the contingent of troops. A military band started playing the Fremetian Anthem, followed by the Imperial Anthem of Inimicus, after which the duo walked along the front row of troops and saluted both nations' flags. "It's f*cking freezing out here, Whoopi", Artabanos could contain himself from saying, "As much as I'd love to look at these fine men and women some more, I'd also love to have a drink in the warmth inside."
So He said, and so it was done. "We can always take a longer tour of the Palace later on, if you'd like", the Emperor said as He led Whoopi to His private quarters. The aides left them outside another heavy mahogany door, behind which a small yet richly decorated sitting room had been laid out with small sandwiches, different types of drinks, and two neoclassical chairs. Gesturing Whoopi to a seat, Artabanos took a plate of sandwiches and, stuffing His face with one, positioned the tray on a small end table in between the two leaders. "Drink?', He said, pouring Himself one.
"Now, Whoopi", He said, having sat down, "Thank you again for coming, this truly is a historic occasion. Is there a specific topic you'd like to start off with?" Swallowing a piece of sandwich before continuing, He said, "Truly, I'm happy with anything."
