Operation Parvacoles
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Katya grabbed the candelabra that Copala retconned out of existence and went down into splits and moved closer to Copala still down on the floor. The grates on the church floor meant that she could edge along in almost a clockwork fashion. Katya leaped up and whacked Copala on the side with the candelabra. Copala barely flinched, she was so in the zone that Katya thought she must be truanting or must have weed on her. It seemed not, Copala's hatred of communists must've been fuelling her.
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After being bludgeoned several times by Katya's candelabra, Copala's head began to ache very severely. Normally, Copala's head doesn't receive any complaints, but she was feeling the hurt this time. Copala's hatred for communism managed to sustain her, but she knew she couldn't keep going on like this. Copala put two fingers to her mouth and then whistled.
Suddenly, Loca by Shakira started playing. El General swung from the rope of the church bell into the middle of the fight. Copala tapped El General's hand and took a break from the fight. El General grabbed the candelabra from Katya's hand and threw it to the side. "Ayyy mamacita, normally I do not fight senoritas, but you are no real mujer." El General grabbed Katya with both of his arms and then slammed her to the ground.
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Katya peeled herself off the ground prepared to fight both these capitalist pigs, but she knew that being outnumbered 2 to 1 was not sustainable. She pressed a button on her communicator and after around 10 minutes of fighting, Piane Daggot landed a Mi-17 Helicopter outside the Church and entered wielding a weaponised abacus and joined the fight. Piane took on El Capitan, bashing him in the face with an abacus while Katya continued to bludgeon Copala.
"Take that, and that" Katya yelled "and THAT is for trying to continue the status quo!"
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Copala winced and nearly fell to the ground as Katya brutalized her. "The people want results, not a revolution!" Copala shouted. After taking a few attacks to her face, Copala managed to duck and roll away from Katya's reach. Copala then sprinited at full speed towards Katya and tackled her to ground. Copala ripped Katya's wig off and then began taking swings to her face.
El General was perhaps the strongest man in all of Inquista, but even he was evenly matched by Piane Daggot, who was renowned for her sharp body as well as her sharp mind. As Piane attacked him with her weaponized abacus, he knew he needed back up. El General activated his HEATHERS signal while he continued to fight for his life.
A few minutes later, Barbie Girl by Aqua suddenly started to play.
"Ayyy, finally, here comes the heavy cavalry!" El General rejoiced while still being entangled in a death match with Piane.
Tracy Martel came speeding into the church on her miniature pink jeep, and began to drive circles around El General and Piane, smacking Piane with her scepter.
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Communist Taylor Swift's SU-57 plane she was piloting above Reitzmag unloaded all her missiles on a Reitzmag navy ship, and then landed just outside the Church. Communist Taylor Swift then jumped onto Tracy Martel's jeep and started to attack her, ripping off one of her fake eyelashes, leaving 24 left in its place. Martel kept driving the jeep despite being attacked, veering around and jumping over rubble ramps. Piane used this distraction to whack El Capitan over the head with her weaponised abacus. Meanwhile, Katya and Copala continued fighting. Katya, growing weary of battle called in yet another person. Who would it be?
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Tracy Martel lost control of her ability to steer the pink jeep as Taylor Swift ripped one of her eyelashes off. Tracy and Taylor went flying as they went over the ramps and swerved around the church. Eventually, the pink jeep began to skid and crashed into the wall. The miniature jeep exploded into flames as it collided with the wall, and Tracy and Taylor were shot into the air.
El General sustained several blows to his head. He simply laughed and shrugged the attacks off without flinching. "You think there's anything in there?" El General laughed as he nonchalantly turned his head from side to side. El General then performed a back flip and kicked Piane and her abacus as he launched himself backward.
As Copala struggled with Katya, her HEATHERS signal went off, notifying even more help was on its way.
Bradley Costa, the Archbishop's Chief Assistant, rolled into the church and then jumped back onto his feet. Bradley pulled a leather-bound schedule from his jacket and began to study it intently before turning his gaze to the battle before him. "According to my schedule, it looks like it's time for battle," he smirked. "Unleash... my crocodiles!"
A small stampede of about 6 crocodiles then came stumbling through the front door and began rushing over to attack the Nicoleizians. The crocodiles were outfitted in bulletproof vests and had tiny army helmets strapped to her heads. The croc war anthem then began to play.
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Katya's reinforcements came in the form of Ginger Minj. Ginger took a hammer and started beating the crocs and Katya tried to help but the crocodiles were proving too much for the bright red scare with the long blonde hair. The two fought valiantly against the 4 crocs. Piane was isolated in a corner of the Church being attacked by 2 crocodiles, she beat them off with her abacus but they were proving too strong. Taylor landed on Tracy and tried to keep her pinned down but to no avail. Tracy stood up and they started taking slow slogs at each others' faces until a crocodile came and bit Taylor's leg. "Hey, those are insured!" She screamed.
A pink chopper flew over the East Moreland sky with Paloma Faith, Mary Lambert, Kacey Musgraves and Carlos all inside. "Do you remember your orders?" Paloma said. "No? I hate all three of you so much. So much. We attack both the groups at once. One are communist menaces, ready to destroy our Eurovoice chances, the others are Inquistans who are also trying to stop us winning Eurovoice. Both of Icholasen and Inquista are now considered rogue terrorist states by the Ministry of Eurovoice."
"But Paloma," Kacey Musgraves said in her Southern (Nicoleizian) drawl, "I see ... crocodiles in that them there church. You know I'm scared of those green reptiles."
"All the more reason for you to take a katana and go and slash them to pieces. Kapish?"
"Ayyyyy dios mios..." Carlos said as the helicopter landed.
The partisans of the Ministry of Eurovoice headed towards the Church and entered the door.
"Inquista... 0 points" Paloma said, unsheathing her E for Eurovoice shaped katana and ran towards Bradley Costa. Carlos, remembering his orders headed for El Capitan, Mary Lambert headed for Copala and Kacey Musgraves headed for Piane and the crocs surrounding her.
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Bradley jumped backwards and dodged Paloma's e-shaped katana. Bradley pulled a sharp pen from his suit jacket pocket and threw it directly into Paloma's chest. He then pulled several paper clips from his other pocket and threw them into Paloma's eyes, temporarily blinding her. While Paloma was blinded and had a pen sticking out of her chest, Bradley tossed his leather schedule at her. Bradley then turned around and sprinted out of the church, making an escape.
El General and Carlos clashed in an epic showdown between Europe's two biggest zaddies. Despite being a 230lb machine of pure muscle mass, El General struggled with Carlos' infamous sucker punch, the Big Bisous. Smacked right in the mouth, El General stumbled backwards and fell unconscious.
Tracy Martel let out prolonged scream-laugh as she witnessed a crocodile bite Taylor's leg. The shrill noise of Tracy's laugh further distressed the crocodile, which became even more enraged. The enraged crocodile then ferociously tore off Taylor's entire leg. Tracy reached into her wig and pulled out a pair of pink, bejeweled and glittered nunchucks and then began to beat Taylor with them.
Copala dove into Mary Lambert and wrestled her to the ground. Copala and Mary rolled and tumbled across the church floor until, finally, Mary managed to pin Copala to the ground and sat on her. "Someone get Icholasen's most irrelevant EuroVoice artist off of me!" Copala yelled in pain, as Mary's mass began to crush Copala's bones. "Get this oaf off of me!" Copala continued to yell, before giving up and accepting her defeat. "Fine, fine! Gay rights! Gay rights! I said gay rights, now get off of me!"
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With El General and Copala tied down, Paloma called for a cease fire and the Inquistans and communists agreed. Taylor, legless and making the most of the time left before it was all over, whacked Tracey Martel unconscious with a Bible. A helicopter landed and took Copala, Katya, El General, Tracey Martel, and Communist Taylor Swift back to Icholasen via Pravoslaviya. Ginger Minj escaped into the scorching desert.
Paloma and Carlos remained on the ground until the next helicopter was able to arrive.
"Where is Ginger?" Paloma asked Carlos.
"Ayy dios mios, she must have escaped. Es un escandalo!"
"She won't get far - there's no food or supplies for miles..."
A SECRET LOCATION, DEEP IN ICHOLASEN
El General, Piane, Katya, Copala, Legless Communist Taylor Swift, and Tracy Martel were sat in a circle facing away from each other. They were handcuffed with pillowcases over their eyes.
"H-Hola?" El Capitan said.
"Shut up you capitalist" Legless communist Taylor Swift retorted.
It was a tense silence in the room as it was clear everyone had come to, but still had animosity surrounding the whole deathmatch they had been fighting just hours earlier.
"What do you think they'll do to us" Legless Communist Taylor Swift said, nudging who she believed was Katya, but was actually Copala.
"Shut up Legless Communist Taylor Swift" Katya said, knowing that it was her she was addressing.
Suddenly, a voice came over the intercom. "I want to play a game." It was Paloma Faith. "One by one, you will submit to these games to fight for your freedom. One of you might be allowed to leave, but, the reason you're being allowed out isn't because we think you're worthy. You're all disgusting human beings. Our reason is for you to spread the word that you do not fuck with the Ministry of Eurovoice." Paloma took a drink of her detox water, with cucumbers and lemons. It's important to look after one's health! "Ladies and Himbos, your first challenge will be in the next room. There'll be a tank of water, in which are 6 chests. 3 of the chests are duds, but 3 have a key to the next room. The keys will only work for 15 seconds, and after you use the key the doors will shut permanently. You can either work together, or not, to find the key you need. Good luck, and don't let the sharks bite!"
Unbeknownst to Paloma, the microphone was still broadcasting into the cell when Carlos said "ayyy, dios mios, Señora Faith, do you not think this is a bit cruel?"
"Of course not, do you not know what Legless Communist Taylor Swift has done to me? The stress alone has made me break out. Do you know how expensive Clearasil is on the black market?"
Suddenly, the shackles were released from the prisoners and they were allowed to freely discuss.
Katya whispered to Legless Communist Taylor Swift that she would swim down and retrieve the key, while Taylor guarded the surface. The two took this plan into action. Katya swam down, kicking one of the sharks in the mouth and avoiding the other fish to look inside one chest. It was empty. Katya rushed back up to the surface to catch a breath, and then went back down again, kicking another shark. Katya opened one chest and finally found a key. She swam to the surface and opened a door allowing her and Legless Communist Taylor Swift into the next room.
Piane bided her time before getting into the pool. She gambled one of the Inquistans would fuck up and allow her to swim down with less competition. Time would tell if this tactic would pay off.
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"Not to worry señorita, I can get us a key," El General whispered to Copala as their chains were unshackled.
"Oh please, I've handled my fair share of sharks," Copala retorted as she immediately dove into the water. Copala punched and kicked several sharks before reaching a chest. Copala opened the chest and was fortunate enough to find a key within in it. Copala quickly returned to the surface and then used the key to escape to the next room.
El General was an experienced diver, having grown up on Ibiza, so diving into the water and holding his breath was no challenge to him. He was also a freakish physical beast, so he was able to use his strength to successfully wrestle the sharks and ward them off with brute force. Despite this, El General seemed to lack luck. He managed to reach a chest at the bottom of the water and hurriedly open it. It was empty. El General then swam over to the other end of the water to reach another chest. It was also empty. He spun around in the water. All the chests were already open.
El General returned to the surface when he suddenly noticed Tracy Martel, in a pink bikini, gleefully skipping to the exit door with a key. El General stuck his hand back into the water, grabbed a shark, and tossed it at Tracy as she skipped towards the door. The shark went flying and knocked Tracy down. El General sprinted toward Tracy and put her in a headlock. He managed to get the key off Tracy, but not before she grabbed his leg and began begging him to bring her along. "Please! We can work together!" Tracy pleaded.
He shook his leg free from Tracy's grasp. "You are no Valentina," El General scoffed as he then turned around and then ran to the door, using the key to get inside.
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The Red Army bazooka'ed the door to the secret complex and stormed in. They found the Inquistans and the communists locked in a room, with, unfortunately, Tracy Martel lying dead. The Inquistan group was terrified seeing the communist coat of arms on the ushankas of the soldiers, they knew that they would surely be killed. But, since there was a new marriage of convenience formed between Inquista and Communist Icholasen, the Inquistans were allowed to safely return to their native land -- flown there in a Nicoleizian transport plane. The communists too returned to their functions in Cesae Vauvra. Piane Daggot, Air Marshall Katya and Communist Legless Taylor Swift all returned to their posts.
Paloma Faith, Carlos and Mary Lambert were in the control room of the secret torture dungeon, but they could no longer see due to all the dust coming from the collapsed side of the building where the rocket hit. Paloma, panicked, starting shouting in the general direction of Carlos "you've fucked it for all of us, I know you've been texting Prince Tommy... they tracked the signal, Goddamnit!! You oaf!!!"
Despite this confrontation, they managed to run out into the forest via a secret exit pipe where they encountered Lieutenant Commander Mark François Driving Miss Crumplebottom in a militarised Range Rover Evoque. Mark immediately noticed the Ministry of Eurovoice gang walking along the highway, using the eagle-eyed military perceptiveness that one can only learn as a Territorial Army Caterer. He slowed down and offered to pick them up and they drove to the Rebels' ski chalet deep in the Portland mountains, evading communist detection across all of Icholasen.
