Cryptic Firoux Tweet Likely to All but End Leeson's Chances in Inquista

Op-ed written by Lex Burnley

A cryptic tweet made by Chief Bishop Secretary Edward Firoux is widely being regarded as a snub of Peter Leeson's campaign to become the Internal Affairs Commissioner of the European Union. The snub will spell good news for Commission candidates Emma Granger, Piane Daggott and Joe Biden, who are expected to gain at his expense, and consume what remains of his political support in Inquista.

Leeson has launched his campaign for Internal Affairs by admonishing the equal marriage rights clause of the European Union's Declaration of Human Rights, which Leeson has stated that he would like to see removed. Bishop Secretary Firoux wrote and championed the equal marriage rights clause, among other significant contributions he made to the UDoHR, including clauses on torture and capital punishment, and other measures to expand and strengthen the EU's primary human rights declaration. Thus, the Chief Bishop Secretary's tweet is publicly being interpreted as a swipe against the Leeson campaign.

In order to win in Inquista, Leeson - who describes himself as a centrist and moderate candidate - would need to rely on the support of Inquista's centre-left and centre-right. Firoux is broadly considered to be the popular avatar of Inquista's centre-left, and he is also coincidentally held in especially high regard by Inquistan environmentalists and ecologists, who appear to be another demographic that the Leeson campaign are targeting. Firoux's social media snub likely means Leeson will lose signficant support in Inquista's centre-left and environmentalist circles, leaving Leeson only with Inquista's centre-right, who are in turn likely to take issue with the vast majority of Leeson's other policies (such as his proposed Europe-wide referendums), and who appear to be coalescing around Joe Biden's #NoMalarkey campaign anyway - leaving Leeson with no discernible demographic of support in the country.

Firoux's cryptic tweet is considered to be quite significant because the Bishop Secretary has not publicly commented on European politics since stepping down as the EPA Chairperson in December of 2020. Firoux did not participate or comment in the last Commission elections, meaning he did not endorse Leeson's previous premiership candidacy, which ultimately resulted in Leeson failing to win the premiership and thus becoming the first EPA premiership candidate to lose an election in more than three years. Firoux is expected to once again not endorse any Commission candidate, and hasn't shown too much enthusiasm to wade into European politics again, besides to show support to the LGBTQ community and those who seek to limit the UDoHR.

European Union

Regional update for the month of July, 2022

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European Commission
Premier Commissioner Jean Claude Juncker (Spain)
Commissioner of Internal Affairs Kevin Cotilla (Leagio)
Commissioner of Foreign Affairs Antoni Reynels (Inquista)

European Council
Speaker Iras Tilkanas (Istkalen)
Deputy Speaker Nicholas Benfield (Inimicus)

European Court of Justice
Chief Justice Judy Scheindlin (United Duchies)
Justice Robert French (United Kingdom)
Justice Raymond Gauthier (Leagio)
Justice Dayo Mwangi (Elthize)
Justice Benjamin Steyn (Inimicus)

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Commission Politics

Commission Elections Swept by Progressives
The thirty-second European Commission was elected on July 26th. Spaniard Jean Claude Juncker (European Progressive Alliance) was elected as Premier Commissioner with 77% of the vote, defeating Duchian opponent Calvin Kühnert (Independent). Leagioan Senator, Kevin Cotilla (European Progressive Alliance), was elected as Commissioner of Internal Affairs with 62% of the vote, defeating the incumbent Commissioner Ilmaras Kalessed of Istklaen (Party of the European Left). Inquistan Bishop, Antoni Reynels (European Progressive Alliance), ran unopposed for Commissioner of Foreign Affairs and was unanimously elected. The election marked the first time that EPA commissioners had been elected to office since 2020.

Sliding Into DMs
Outgoing Internal Affairs Commissioner Ilmaras Kalessed has overseen changes to the EU Commission App, which will allow European netizens to directly message any European politician, and will allow netizens to also directly comment on any proposed legislation.

Council Politics

European Agricultural Fund
The European Council is currently debating an act which seeks to create the European Agricultural Fund, which will provide economic assistance to workers of European farming and fishing industries. The proposal has been put forth by Premier Juncker, who promised region-wide subsidies for European farmers and fishers during his Commission campaign.

European Order of Merit Nomination
Commissioner Reynels has nominated Eurocorps Commander Vincent Drake of the Duxburian Union to the European Order of Merit for “his contributions to European security and global peace.” Commander Drake has served as Commander of the European Corps since its inception in 2020. The nomination is now up for Council debate.

European Central Bank Election
Premier Juncker has opened nominations for a new President of the European Central Bank. Candidates from the Unites Duchies, Istkalen, Spain, and Reitzmag have been nominated, and are currently making their cases for the ECB Presidency.

Constitutional Amendment
Councillor James Mizrachi-Roscoe of the United Duchies has proposed a new clause to the European Constitution that would prevent the EU from fining European companies more than 1% of their pre-tax profits for breaches of European law. Councillors are currently voting on the constitutional amendment, which looks likely to be defeated.

Repeal of the Elected and Accountable Council Act (EACA)
The Elected and Accountable Act, which at one point in time required all members of the European Council be directly elected by the people of their country of origin, is currently being voted on to be repealed. The repeal of the EACA seems very likely, following amendments made in March 2021 that weakened the legislation, only requiring member states with less than 12 months in the European Union to elect their Councillors.

Amendments to the Mental Health Act
Councillor James Mizrachi-Roscoe of United Duchies has proposed amendments to the European Mental Health Act, which would decentralize current mental health services away from the European Health Organization, and entrust them with relevant national organisations instead.

Council Safety Act is Rejected
A proposal made by Councillor Iras Tilkanas of Istkalen to increase the security of the European Council was defeated in a 6-3 vote against. The proposal sought to ban certain controlled substances, flammable materials, and weapons from the European Council, implement cushioned ceilings, walls and floors, restrict chamber furniture (including banning sharp-edges), and would have created restrictions for entering the site.

European Council Majority Increase Rejected
Then-Commissioner Kalessed proposed a constitutional amendment which would have raised the definition of a simple majority within the European Council from 55% of those present to 60% of those present. The proposal was unanimously defeated with 5 votes against.

European Neurodivergent and Disability Rights Act Amendment
Amendments proposed by Councillor James Mizrachi-Roscoe of the United Duchies, which aim to soften certain requirements of the European Neurodivergent and Disability Rights Act, were passed with only 2 votes for and 2 votes in abstention. The amendments allow for “reasonable adaptations” of the legislation’s mandates and requirements, and spell out situations where adaptations are exempt or not necessary.

European Court of Justice (ECoJ)

ECoJ Elections
July saw a new European Court of Justice elected alongside the new European Commission. Judy Scheindlin (United Duchies) was elected Chief Justice while Robert French (United Kingdom), Raymond Gauthier (Leagio), Dayo Mwangi (Elthize) and Benjamin Steyn (Inimicus) were all elected as Justices. Justice Judy Scheindlin is the first Chief Justice to serve from the United Duchies.

News From Around Europe

Jesus Never Dies
President Jesús Aguilar of Spain has won re-election as Spanish President, following six years of already being in power. President Aguilar and his Partido Popular won the Spanish general election in July with 264 seats, claiming a slim majority of 3 seats. The Partido Socialista followed with 121 seats, VOX with 40 seats, Sumar and the SNP with 18 seats each, Esquerra Republicana with 13 seats, Unidas Podemos with 12 seats, and minor parties claiming a handful of other seats. Spanish Senate elections saw a similar distribution pattern in their results. President Aguilar will now oversee his fourth cabinet.

You’ll Win With the Right Priorities
A general election in the United Kingdom saw the incumbent Tory government defeated and a Labour government elected in its place. As their first act in government, the new Starmer government successfully repealed the country’s Adult Video Law, giving its citizens greater access to explicit adult content.

Doing the Bare Minimum
The National Congress of Leagio introduced a federal minimum wage across the country, which stands at 11 Sulias an hour. Until now, minimum wages had only been set by state and territorial governments of Leagio.

EMU Ready to Fly in Elthize by 2024
President Greenwich Grimwald of Elthize has promised that his country will adopt the European Monetary Unit (EMU) as a currency no later than January 2024. The EMU currently serves as a currency of Spain, Inquista, the United Dominions of Icholasen, Fremet, Vayinaod, Montenbourg and Leagio.

Inquistan Center for Children Who Can't Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too
The College of Bishops of Inquista have passed educational reforms that will streamline and expand mandatory subjects for Inquistan primary and secondary students. Changes to secondary education will, for example, see maths, at least one science, English, Latin or a modern foreign language, religion, and at least one art class become mandatory, with only two other subjects of personal choice being permitted per year. Previously, the only mandatory subjects in secondary school were English, Latin, and religion, with all other subjects being subjects of personal choice.

AeroDux and Easyjet: Our Flights Bring You Closer to Heaven
Flights have been restored to normal within the airspace of the United Duchies following a collision in June between an AeroDux A350 and an Easyjet Duchies A320 that left 492 passengers dead.

Soiled Soil Soiling Soil
The government of Istkalen implemented land measures that included the nationalization of non-urban land, and land value taxes that were levied on land users, which ultimately resulted in mass protest by farmers. The measures went on to be repealed, but not without creating a rift with the New Agrarians, who were expected to be included in the government of the country. Ilmaras Kalessed, who is now leader of the New Agrarians following her service within the European Commission, has remarked that "so long as this government stands, the farmer will not be at peace.”

Giving the People What They Want
Two referendums were held in Lusitania and Vettonia. The first referendum concerned decentralizing greater powers to local authorities, while the second referendum asked whether voters wanted to establish a monarchy for the country, which is currently a republic. In both cases, voters responded enthusiastically in the affirmative, giving royalists and local Neathian tribes (who’ve pushed for greater local autonomy) much to celebrate. The referendums follow a period of relative political instability, where the shaky government has barely managed to survive votes of no confidence. Protests continue to be ongoing in the country due to political strife.

The Untouchable Bald Head
The National Imperial Council of Inimicus is currently discussing a new constitutional amendment proposed by the Imperial Palace, which would prevent the Council from ever being able to impeach the Inimican Emperor. This proposed constitutional amendment comes after the Inimican House of Commons indefinitely dissolved itself in June, following a previously passed constitutional amendment that requires the Inimican lower house to only ever meet by the Emperor’s decree or by the Imperial Council’s request.

Delete Your Account, Czech Bot
Spam bots originating from Czech Slavia have taken over the cyberspace of Inimicus, flooding Inimican social media and social media user inboxes with spam. The intention of the spam bots are not clear, but an Inimican professor believes that the bot accounts are operated by "individuals paid or supported by organisations or official institutions in Czech Slavia”. It has not yet been made evident if the Czech spam bots intend to make use of the EU Commission App’s new direct messaging features.

Social Distancing Now in Effect
A new law approved in Gadalland and Aspern will ban all protests that have greater than 1,000 persons in any of the country’s major cities, greater municipalities and their suburbs.

Royal Retirement
King Jean IV of Ineland has stated his intention to abdicate as king of the country after 37 years on the throne. King Jean will be turning 70 years old in September, and has alluded to his health as being a principal factor in his abdication. The Inelandic King’s announcement marks the first time that a monarch has abdicated in the country’s modern history.

My, What A Big Nuke You Have
The government of Czech Slavia has confirmed that the Czech Armed Forces have successfully tested a nuclear weapon in the region of South Moravia. The nuclear test brought a successful end to Project Morana, the Czech nuclear weapons development program. Project Morana was announced after the European Nuclear Weapons Authority (ENAA) unanimously agreed to award Czech Slavia with a limited nuclear weapons license earlier in May of this year.

This regional update has been issued by the Commissioner of Foreign Affairs.

"Spain is now on top, but a lot of entries are just behind. Only 9 points are separating 1st and 5th place, and Spain is yet to give us their scores, so they'll surely be vulnerable to losing their position.

"Should we keep the tension going, or should we just go to Spain now to get their results?"

The tension and nerves throughout the audience is palpable, and the audience cheers loudly for Cher to continue on with the show.

"Ok, ok, chillax! Lay off me. Let's go to Spain, then. Buenas noches, España! Pedro, you've got us on our feet! Please provide us with the Spanish televote results."

"... and the 12 points to Reitzmag and 10 to Pravsolaviya! 1 point to Istkalen, 2 points to Fremet, and 3 to Nofoaga! We dig it. Tactical voting is so in these days. Dope! Thanks for those results.

"Our final results will come from the United Duchies. This is make or break for the entire top 6, all of whom could theoretically win. One of Spain, Istkalen, Nofoaga, Fremet, Icholasen or Inquista shall take home the victory tonight.

"Good evening, United Duchies! Hello, Jasper. We're on the edge of our seats. Please deliver the Duchian results. We need a winner!"

The crowd cheers in anticipation as Jasper Carrot presents the Duchian televote scores.

"And we have a winner!"

"Congratulations to Spain, and congratulations to Anabel Conde for winning the 1996 EuroVoice Song Contest! Give it up to Annabel, who is now going to perform her winning song, Vuelve Conmigo."

Annabel takes to the stage to bask in her victory and to perform Vuelve Conmigo.

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A Country Wedding (2015)

Rating: ☭☭ (out of 5)

A Country Wedding follows the story of small-town country gal Sarah (Reiserová) and her childhood crush, Bradley, who moved away from the small town when he was 13 years old following the death of his parents (Hallmark films seem to love killing the parents of their protagonists; Sarah's parents aren't dead yet, but we find out they live in Florida, which as we know, is death's waiting room). Before Bradley moves, he gives Sarah his mom's wedding ring and they get "married" (someone notify Emma Granger) in a farmhouse before Bradley has to depart.

Years later, Bradley is now a Grammy-winning country musician located in LA (where all the rich people live, obviously), and Sarah is still living in her childhood ranch house, taking care of sick and abandoned horses. Bradley becomes engaged to a famous actress, and upon seeing this on TV, Sarah sends a well-wishing note to Bradley's manager along with his mom's old ring. Bradly receives the note and is surprised by it, seemingly barely remembering giving Sarah the wedding ring. Bradley then decides to pay a visit his old home town (which he hasn't visited since) before he ties the knot to his fiancée. Predictably, Bradley eventually decides that LA isn't for him, and he falls in love again with Sarah, and then they get married for real.

The plot is very predictable and the outcome can be seen from several country miles away. The films charts new territory for Hallmark by actually depicting someone as the villain - the actress fiancée is a selfish and pretentious city girl who has let fame get to her head, and thus we must root against her. The problem is, as the story unfolds, there is little to root for between Sarah and Bradley. It's clear that Sarah and Bradley must get together, because they're true country folk cut from the same cloth, and the actress fiancée is just not #reltabale enough, but other than this, there is no real spark between the main characters.

Unfortunately, despite the fact that Sarah is a sweet southern gal who takes care of horses, she becomes increasingly more unlikable as the film unfolds. Virtually all of the humour in the film comes in the form of constant passive aggressive jokes that Sarah makes against city people, and she teases Bradley incessantly for becoming a rich celebrity. As we all know, "real" people know how to fish properly and wear old and dirty cowboy boots, not clean cowboy boots made in Italy. Worse yet, the more that Sarah speaks throughout the movie, you develop a sinking feeling that Sarah is a Ted Cruz supporter.

Reiserová takes on a country accent for her role as Sarah, which is cute and fun for the first 5 minutes, but then it becomes a nuisance. The accent isn't authentic and doesn't sound convincing. The film also features a country-laden soundtrack, which is very low quality and mostly features banjos being strum at random. Even as someone who enjoys some country music, it was distracting and sometimes even jarring. Bradley did deliver two musical performances, however, and they were quite acceptable.

The film is very risqué for a Hallmark production, as it features a whopping total of 3 kissing scenes, including one where Sarah kissed Bradley while he was still engaged to the famous actress (naughty)!

Disappointingly, Reiserová's performance in the film was somewhat lacking, perhaps because of the forced accent, or simply because there's only so much you can do when you're portraying a horse-girl who thought the Capitol Hill insurrection was a leftist plot. Bradley, like all country boys, is stoic and emotionless, and so in that regard his actor did a fantastic job.

The highlight of the film is when Sarah explains why Bradley belongs in the small town, telling him "Horses and dogs. White lilies. This ranch. These people." I've found myself repeating this quote all day whenever somebody asks me anything, and I simply can't help it. Iconic writing.

Two hammer and sickles out of five.

Bonus review from Goose (Czech Slavia): "Nothing happened. My grandma might like it"

Commissioner Antoni Reynels and Archbishop Mikaela Kligenberg arrive in Telum, Inimicus

Commissioner Reynels stepped out of his limousine, thanked his chauffeur, and made his way to the front steps of the Imperial Palace. Moments later, a large convoy of cars appeared on the palace driveway. A series of large and menacing-looking black SUVs preceded and followed a pretty pastel pink limousine. Commissioner Reynels stopped in his place as he reached the top of the stairs, put his hands behind his back, and then smiled. He knew exactly who was arriving.

Archbishop Mikaela Kligenberg stepped out of her pastel pink limousine, aided by a massive security guard. She immediately spotted the Commissioner, and then let out an excited squeal and waved manically. "O-M-G! Antoni! Hi!"

"Never ceasing to use the Lord's name in vain," Commissioner Reynels muttered under his breath before letting out a laugh. Even though she could sometimes be an over-the-top character, Commissioner Reynels always appreciated the Archbishop's presence, as her light and excitable personality was a welcomed departure from the bureaucratic drones that he worked with in the Foreign Affairs office.

The Archbishop made her way up the stairs to Antoni and the two exchanged kisses on the cheeks. The Commissioner then flexed his bicep as the Archbishop wrapped her arms around the Commissioner's left arm. The two then entered the palace and were directed toward the throne room.

"It's always a pleasure to see you, Your Holiness," Commissioner Reynels commented.

"Aww, Antoni, you know I don't like it when you call me that! I'm so glad to see you too. How has Europolis been? We haven't seen each other in a while now. Like what, a few months?" Mikaela asked with a sweet smile.

"Yeah, a couple of months. I've been pretty busy, especially this last month. The EPA just hosted their convention, and the Commission elections just finished. The election season has been very busy. It's worth it though, as we'll have an all EPA Commission again."

"Oh great! I'm glad we'll have another woman Premier. Remember when we had that man before Premier Whiteford? Just terrible. He set the men's rights movement back by 10 years. We really should have elected Blair von Shroeder instead of him."

"How's Saint Dominico been? I haven't been home in a long time."

"Really good. Weather has been so exceptional this summer," Mikaela responded as she flaunted her tan. "So much good sunshine. I caught the latest Copala film. I highly recommend it. I went to go see it the other day with Prime Minister Bridges. He was in Inquista and it was a pretty good time."

"Oh? Any tea to spill?"

"Well, apparently he's married to a woman, so all those rumours about him and Prime Minister Aguilar getting it on in that park in Europolis don't seem to be true."

"Ah, a shame," the Commissioner responded with disappointment.

"Oh, I know. I just about cried on the spot. I guess some people just don't know what true love is, even if it hits them right in the face."

The pair finally reached the throne room, traded some final pleasantries, and then departed from one another to mingle with the other guests in the room.

Commissioner Reynels met up with Commissioner Juncker and beamed with excitement. "Congratulations on the election!" Commissioner Reynels greeted with thunderous enthusiasm.

The Commissioner then turned to President Lifejumper. "President Lifejumper, you're looking smartly dressed as always. It's good to see you."

...

The Archbishop darted around the room, mingling with different guests, with a glass of alcohol already in her hand. The Archbishop passed by Crown Princess Victoria of Montenbourg and dropped her a compliment. "Good evening Princess, you look simply immaculate," Mikaela commented as she walked by, towards Emperor Artabanos all those around him.

Mikaela made her acquaintances with the Austrian delegation, before then turning to Emperor Artabanos himself. "Artie!" Mikaela greeted informally, before beelining straight to his side and offering him a polite side-squeeze. "You're looking great! I must say, I was very, very worried. After an accident like that I thought that you were going to die, or even worse, I thought you might've experienced some permanent damage to your face, but you're looking as good as always."

The Archbishop then leaned closely to the Emperor's ear and whispered quietly. "I've never had plastic surgery, of course, but whoever has done yours, I must say, has done an amazing job. If you don't mind, you should tell Prince Tommy about whoever did your surgery, so he can get the hint. He really needs a new one. Don't tell him I said that."

Comrade Sofierce: Why Sofie Čikarová Is The Right Choice for Inquistans

Op-Ed written by Simon Whitakker (also known as SimSimonSays)

Like many youth living in the decadent hellhole known as Inquista, I've grown up knowing nothing but corruption and exploitation. I accepted Inquista's extravagant and rampant capitalism as an unfortunate - but irreplaceable - fact of life. That was, of course, until I played Imis.

Imis opened up my eyes to the glories of socialism, which is an ideology that is much more just, fair and efficient in how it organizes society. I am now an avid Imis streamer. You can catch me designing my labour union building and participating in fun Subbotniks every Tuesday, Thursday and Friday night at 9PM CET, when I stream live on YouTube on my channel SimSimonSays (be sure to like, subscribe and smash that notification button).

As a Imis streamer, I am so excited about the candidacy of Sofie Čikarová for Premier Commissioner of the European Union, and you should be too! Sofie Čikarová is the first ever PEL candidate for Premier Commissioner, and she has a platform that will prioritize the workers of the European Union. As her motto says, Sofie Čikarová is looking to "put some class into the commission! Proletariat class!"

Sofie Čikarová is already becoming known as 'Comrade Sofierce' within Inquistan circles, because she's both a fierce queen (not in the literal sense, of course) and a fierce advocate of the proletariat. Her platform includes support for legislation that will combat tax evasion, strengthen the power of labour unions, plans to provide subsidies to vital and productive infrastructure projects, and subsidies to essential services like education and healthcare. Her people-first economic platform looks to favour all European states, not just developing states, which is the only single economic plan presented so far which could directly benefit Inquista.

Comrade Sofierce also wants to secure the sovereignty and independence of each European Union member state, giving them full control of their own borders and their own foreign policy without Commission interference. Under the current Commission, and among all the other Premier Commissioner candidates, we're only hearing about the further integration of states into a prison of states. It's finally time that we unshackle ourselves from the Europolis elites, allow states to retain their sovereignty, and allow the proletariat to take the lead.

This upcoming Commission election is more important than ever. We can't take four more of months of a Commission that continues to keep workers downtrodden (whether it be EPA, ELDR or MEGA, it doesn't matter - they're all the same). That's why I'm calling the left and the working-class of Inquista to rally behind Sofie Čikarová. We can't elect Comrade Sofierce without our collective voices. The left can never have anything good in Inquista because we're constantly fighting ourselves. I know that Bishop Karinn Lallana has traded some harsh words with her Czech counterparts, but it's time that we put the divisions aside and work together. I call upon Bishop Karinn Lallana to endorse Sofie Čikarová for Premier Comissioner, and all I ask that all Inquistans show her our support. I can't vote because I am only 15, but I will do my best to have my voice heard, and you should too. Vote Comrade Sofierce for Premier Commissioner.

Premier & Foreign Affairs Commissioner Debate

With Rosemary Barker

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Rosemary Barker: Good evening, and welcome to the Premier and Foreign Affairs Commissioner debate. I'm Rosemary Barker, and I will be your host and moderator.

The latest European Commission election is upon us. The state of European affairs continues to remain as divided as ever, and many Europeans are unsure of the direction in which the European Union is heading. Tonight, you will hear from your five Premier and your only Foreign Affairs Commissioner candidates. These candidates each have their own vision and priorities for the European Union, and it is your chance to hear from them. These candidates are all contending for your support, and possibly, even your vote.

The Premier Commissioner candidates are, from left to right, independent candidate Kittichat Thongthang, Harish Desai of the ELSS, Jean-Claude Juncker of the EPA, incumbent Premier Commissioner Sofie Čikarová of the PEL, and independent candidate Ville Niinistö. To the left of Mr. Niinistö is Pekka Haavisto, the independent and sole candidate for Foreign Affairs. Welcome, candidates.

Before the sparring and vote-vying begins, let us just make sure that the rules for tonight's debate are clear. Each candidate shall begin by making an opening statement, each lasting at maximum for 2 minutes ((OOC: 300 words)). Once opening statements are complete, there shall be a free debate period ((OOC: 24 hours)) where each candidates will be able to freely debate or rebuke any other candidate on stage, provided that each candidate only speak for 1 minute at a time ((OOC: 150 words)).

The free debate period shall be followed by the question period, in which questions from across Europe will be posed to all of the candidates, and they will each have 2 minutes ((OOC: 300 words)) to answer them, followed by a rebuttal period in which candidates can freely debate each other, again, provided that they speak for only 1 minute at a time ((OOC: 150 words)).

The debate shall finish with closing statements, in which each candidate can round off their performance with a 2 minute ((OOC: 300 words)) statement.

If any candidate is mentioned by any other candidate during the debate, then the candidate in question shall have the opportunity to make a rebuttal, which should last only 1 minute each ((OOC: 150 words)).

In order to make sure that this debate does not go over time, we shall not wait or pause for candidates who are holding back or being quiet ((OOC: if you are not answering questions during the allotted timeframe, or are being inactive, then we will not wait for you. Keep up, and stay active in the debate)).

With the rules now clear, it is time for the debate to begin. Candidates, please begin with your opening statements ((OOC: you will have approximately 24 hours to make your statements))!

Duke Walter Cocx Has Perhaps the Most Appealing and Agreeable Message - But Do People Know This?

Op-Ed written by Lex Burnley

You might not know him, but Duke Walter Cocx is one of four candidates for Premier Commissioner of the European Union. In a rather crowded field of Premiership candidates, with include the likes of Dragan Trympov, Duke Cocx has eschewed rallies and media appearances, and has undertaken a deliberately measured approach to Commission campaigning. Out of all the Premier Commissioner candidates, Duke Walter Cocx has perhaps the most appealing and agreeable message - but do people know this?

In his single media interview with Nuntius Inimici, Duke Cocx explained that he has been deliberate in his approach to campaigning. Duke Cocx painted the blitzkrieg of Commission campaigning as light on policy and high on platitudes, which doesn’t seem to suit his style. Duke Cocx stated that he much preferred to “do my research, get my facts straight, calculate how much my policies will cost and how we will balance the books.”

Duke Cocx also took particular umbrage with the campaign of Senator Kerstin of Leagio, who fell into a particular trapping of running a fast-paced Commission campaign. Without checking the facts, Senator Kerstin spoke at length about a sexist meme which was incorrectly attributed to the campaign of Duke Cocx. Duke Cocx seized on the opportunity to reprimand the Senator, and then detailed his own experience with crafting policy, particularly on the topic of gender equality, where he championed the cause of extended maternity leave, the establishment of women's sanctuaries, and advocated for stronger punishments for sex offenders.

The Inimican Duke certainly has an eye for nuanced policy points, which he touts as being both achievable and realistic, which he contrasts against the lofty ideas of European-funded healthcare for low-income families or European-wide 5G. In his low-key manifesto launch event in Fremet, Duke Cocx revealed a manifesto that was dedicated to balancing the European budget, that would not change member state’s budget contributions, would be “tough on rogue states”, and committed to largely keep Europe’s institutions the same, with the exceptions of repealing Elected and Accountable Council Act and abolishing the European Assembly.

Duke Cocx’s message of pragmatism, carefulness, economic responsibility and incremental change might not seem sexy, but it is a message that could resonate with many in a time when most other candidates are campaigning on grand promises, value-laden and emotional clichés, and vows of sweeping reforms. Unfortunately, this is a message he might lose out on, especially if he doesn’t boost his name recognition. This lack of name recognition could become a point of real weakness especially now that Lady Angela Merkel of Fremet has entered the race, as she’s likely to swerve directly into his lane.

While Duke Cocx is certainly an esteemed and known figure in Inimicus, he isn’t a known quantity in much of Europe. Lady Angela Merkel, on the hand, is a colossal figure with immense name recognition. The former leader of Fremet only just entered the race and hasn’t done much campaigning herself, but she will likely echo much of Duke Cocx’s message – and most will probably credit her with it. Duke Cocx isn’t helped by the fact that Lady Merkel was nominated at a well-attended and televised EPA convention, where she was nominated and essentially endorsed by six different members of the European Council, including the Speaker of the European Council. At the same convention, the entire current incumbent Commission spoke, including the Premier Commissioner, who also gave Lady Merkel a nod of approval.

Will Duke Cocx’s measured approach to campaigning help or hinder his ability to overcome this challenge? Time will tell.

Episode 2

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Day 4 - Little Tribe

The Little Tribe decompresses the day after their tribal council. Irene is calm and is feeling much better now that she's no longer on the chopping block. Nobody knows who cast the other vote against Irene, including Mikaela, who forgot she even did that.

Day 4 - Small Tribe

The Small Tribe continue to relax and feel confident about themselves. Ran has immunity for the next tribal council, so she spends the day napping and conserves her energy for the next day's immunity challenge.

Day 5 - Immunity Challenge

It is the day of the immunity challenge. The two tribes come together to compete.

For the first round, it's the women. Albina, Irene and Mikaela for the Little Tribe, versus Anastasia, Gisela and Lula of the Small Tribe. Anastasia is the first to reach the ball in the centre of the beach, but Irene squarely punches her in the face and grabs the ball from her. Everyone looks on in shock as Irene then struts to her tribe's hoop, shoots, and scores a point.

One point Little Tribe.

Next up are the men. The remaining men of the Little Tribe compete against Edward, Jean Claude and Vistek. Despite his injured ankle, Jesus gets the ball first, and everyone chases him back to the Little Tribe's net. Simon slaps the ball out of Jesus' hands, despite being teammates, but luckily Kristian quickly collects the ball, shoots it, and scores.

Two points for the Little Tribe.

The women are up again. Albina, Eilidh and Mikaela compete for the Little Tribe (while Irene sits on a time out for her bad behaviour) against Gisela, Lula and Ran from the Small Tribe. Ran ran to the ball first, where Albina and Eilidh both try to grab her and wrestle the ball from her grip. Ran uses her karate skills and manages to flip both of the other women over just using her arms while holding the ball. Ran ran to her tribe's net and scores a point for the Small Tribe.

Two points for the Little Tribe, and one point for the Small Tribe.

The men of the Little Tribe face off against Artabanos, Edward and Jean-Claude. They all make it to the centre of the beach around the same time and engage in a large scrum to get the ball. In the chaos of the scrum, Simon kicks Jesus' sore ankle. Edward manages to get the ball, runs back to the his net, shoots, and misses. Kristian catches the ball in the rebound and makes a break for it to the other side. At the other side, Kristian shoots and scores.

With three points, the Little Tribe wins.

The Little Tribe also wins a fishing spear, some basic diving gear, and various other pieces of fishing equipment. As the Little Tribe begin to celebrate, a twist is revealed. The Little Tribe must send someone from the losing tribe to Exile Island, which is an even smaller and more mysterious island just off the coast of Tiny Island. There, the exiled individual must live alone for the night.

After some deliberation, the Little Tribe choose to exile Jean-Claude, and they give him a thunderous applause as he steps off his tribe mat.

However, that's not where the twist ends. Jean-Claude is then asked to pick someone from the winning tribe to join him. Jean-Claude picks Albina.

Day 5 - Exile Island

Jean-Claude admits to Albina that he mostly picked her to join him at Exile because he needed to ask her some questions about his Premiership predecessor, Sofie Cikarova of Czech Slavia. Jean-Claude explains that he had a special pack of Junckpens he used to use as Internal Affairs Commissioner, that he then gifted to Premier Walter Cocx at the end of his term, and then Sofie apparently threw those Junckpens out when she came into office as Premier. Albina explains that this is likely something Sofie would do, and admonishes Sofie for once throwing out one of her diet vegetable smoothies that she made for her.

At Exile Island, Jean-Claude is presented with two urns. One containing a clue to the hidden immunity idol back at camp, but also an opportunity to mutiny and switch to the other tribe, while the second urn contains nothing.

Jean-Claude picks one of the urns, and inside is an idol clue and his choice to possibly mutiny tribes. Jean-Claude decides he won't mutiny, but decides to share the immunity idol clue with Albina, since Albina was willing to criticise Sofie Cikarova.

The two have a long night at Exile Island. Jean-Claude spends the whole evening regaling about his commission campaigns, and asks Albina what gadgets he should invent for when he visits Czech Slavia next. Jean-Claude also talks about how much he loves to use the European Commission App, but that he's currently inundated with DMs from angry Reitzmen. As Jean-Claude talks all night, Albina barely manages to get any sleep. The next morning, the two return to their tribes.

Day 6 - Little Tribe

When Albina returns from Exile Island, Mikaela is shocked by how tired she looks, and insists that they should have a spa day on their tribe's beach. Mikaela gives Albina a sand scrub and the two makes plans to do some traveling once the competition is done. Albina shares the information that she collected from Jean-Claude to Mikaela.

Eilidh and Simon decide to bury the hatchet over the Copala City land lease. Eilidh remarks how cool it is that Icholasen is the first country to have a transgender head of government, while Reitzmag is the first country to have transracial citizens. They both feel proud of the progressive societies they come from.

Mikaela gathers Albina, Eilidh and Jesus together and without their input, decides that they should all form an alliance together. Everyone agrees, but it's not like Mikaela gave them any choice.

While the others keep themselves busy by chatting or having a spa day, Kristian goes fishing for the tribe using their new equipment and gathers food for them. Kristian exhausts themselves by then also cooking the food for everyone.

Day 6 - Small Tribe Tribe

Readying to go to tribal council tonight, a sense of anxiety and uneasiness consumes the tribe.

Artabanos calls Vistek out for ignoring the Dolls group chat that they have with Albina and Mikaela. Vistek defends himself by saying he can't keep up with Albina's daily 'inspirational' quotes that she sends every morning. Artabanos hits back by saying that Vistek doesn't respond to Artabanos' bowtie-of-the-day selfies he sends either. Vistek finally admits that he has the group chat on mute and he never wanted to be in it to begin with. Artabanos is shocked and disappointed.

Naturally, Edward goes ahead and starts hustling and whipping votes for the upcoming tribal council. Edward decides to target Lula, and tells people that Lula is the weakest link of the tribe, and that he doesn't care much for her authoritarian rule in Nofoaga, and says that he wished she cared for human rights as much as she did for turtle rights. Ran doesn't like this coming from Edward, and calls him out for being a fake defender of human rights, citing that he never championed for the rights of anime people during any of his years in Europolis. Edward claims that anime people rights are human rights just like everyone else, but Rans criticises him for not enshrining that in any law.

Day 6 - Tribal Council

At tribal council, it's discussed that it's pretty much an open secret that Edward is coming for Lula, and that Lula is now coming for Edward. Ran surprises everyone by presenting her special immunity idol that she found on day 1, keeping herself safe from the vote.

It is then time to vote. Once everyone has voted, then the votes are counted.

First vote... Edward
Second vote... Lula
Third vote... Edward
Fourth vote... Edward

So far: That's 3 votes Edward and 1 vote Lula. 4 votes left.

Fifth vote... Lula
Sixth vote... Lula

That's 3 votes Edward and 3 votes Lula. 2 votes left.

Seventh vote... Edward
Eight vote... Lula

It is a tie. Everyone, excluding Edward and Lula, will re-vote. Once everyone has cast their second vote, then the votes will once again counted.

First vote... Edward
Second vote... Lula
Third vote... Lula

So far: That's 2 votes Lula and 1 vote Edward. 3 votes left.

Fourth vote... Edward
fifth vote... Lula

Sixth vote... the 2nd person voted out of Survivor 2: Tiny Island... Lula. That's 4 votes, and that's enough.

Lula's torch is snuffed and she turns to wave at her tribe, but also scornfully tells Edward that he'll be banned from ever holding a Nofoagese turtle ever again and promised that the Oceans Protection Act will be his next piece of legislation repealed by the European Council.

((Not Gisela trying to originally get her husband out, queen just wants a vacation from her man.))

Episode 1

---

Day 1 - The Marooning

Four helicopters fly overhead and drop off the contestants on the island below. One helicopter carries the men and non-binary person of the Little Tribe, Dragan, Jésus, Simon and Kristian. The second helicopter drops off the women, Albína, Eilidh, Irene and Mikaela.

The other helicopter drops off the women of the Small Tribe, Anastasia, Gisela, Lula and Ran. The final helicopter drops off their tribe's men, Artabanos, Edward, Jean-Claude and Vistek.

The contestants organise themselves by their tribe colours and they stand on their respective tribe mats, and stare each other down.

Each tribe is then confronted with an immediate twist. Each person from each tribe must openly vote for the tribemate that they consider the biggest liability.

The Little Tribe begins.

Albína votes for Kristian.
Dragan votes for Jésus.
Eilidh votes for Simon.
Irene votes for Dragan.
Jésus votes for Irene.

So far: that's 1 vote Dragan, 1 vote Irene, 1 vote Jésus, 1 vote Kristian, and 1 vote Simon.

Kristian votes for Jésus.
Mikaela votes for Irene.
Simon votes for Jésus. (Are we shocked?)

That's 3 votes Jésus, 2 votes Irene, 1 vote Dragan, 1 vote Kristian, and 1 vote Simon. The tribe decides that the biggest liability is Jésus.

Now the Small Tribe votes.

Anastasia votes for Gisela.
Artabanos votes for Edward.
Edward votes for Ran.
Gisela votes for Ran.

So far: That's 2 votes Ran, 1 vote Edward, and 1 vote Gisela.

Jean-Claude votes for Edward.
Lula votes for Vistek.
Ran votes for Anastasia.
Vistek votes for Ran.

That's 3 votes Ran, 2 votes Edward, 1 vote Anastasia, 1 vote Gisela, and 1 vote Vistek. The Small Tribe decides their biggest liability is Ran. (Never underestimate that Ran has power of God and Anime on her side... RRAHH!)

It is then revealed that Jésus and Ran will be taken to their respective tribe camps by helicopter, while the other contestants must make a 6 kilometer trek to their respective camps on foot. Unbenknowst to the others, Jésus and Ran will also be presented with an opportunity once they arrive at camp early, where they can either simply begin working on their tribe shelter, or they can look for a special hidden immunity idol, which they can use to negate votes at their first tribal council only. However, to search for the latter takes a lot of time, and they may end up searching up until their tribe mates arrive, without having started working on camp.

Jésus and Ran both use their time to search for the special hidden immunity idols, and they both manage to find them. Jésus and Ran will now both be immune at their very first tribal councils.

Day 1 - Small Tribe

The Small Tribe works on their shelter. Jean-Claude assembles some gadgets for the tribe so they can attempt to fish in the nearby sea, while the others build the shelter. Artabanos weaves some leaves together to make a mat to add some nice decor to their new home.

Day 1 - Little Tribe

The Little Tribe somehow manage to get a shelter built before the sun goes down. Jésus and Simon are not entirely pleased that the tribe insists that they sleep next to each other in the shelter.

Day 2 - Immunity Challenge

It is the day of the immunity challenge. The two tribes come together to compete.

On the Little Tribe, Irene declares that she has no intention of running, and that she won't tolerate being caught sweating by the cameras. Dragan brags that he he has highest IQ and biggest brain of anyone - possibly ever - and volunteers himself to do the puzzles with Irene. Albína, Eilidh, Mikaela, Jésus, Simon and Kristian agree that they will run and collect the bags containing the ladder pieces.

Gisela nominates herself to do the puzzles for the Small Tribe, and Edward quickly follows suit by volunteering himself to help his wife on the tasks. Anastasia, Artabanos, Jean-Claude, Lula, Ran and Vistek agree to do the running and collecting.

On go, Ran blasts pasts everyone and Naruto runs to grab the first set of ladder pieces. Ran also back handsprings and martial arts herself over the various other obstacles. Needless to say, Ran carries her tribe on the first portion of the challenge and demonstrates that she was not to be underestimated. The Small Tribe collects their ladder pieces first, but the Little Tribe is just behind them. They assemble the ladders and begin the last puzzle portion of the challenge, navigating the table maze.

Irene and Dragan try to catch-up on the puzzle maze, but their collective brain power (shockingly) leads to nowhere, and they quickly blame each other for making mistakes.

Gisela and Edward work as a good team, and Edward analyses the maze as if it was some random country trying to claim neutrality that had inadvertently done something to upset an obscure clause from a piece of legislation, and so Edward managed to nit-pick the precise areas that they needed to take the peg through. In time, Gisela and Edward finished the puzzle and claimed victory for the Small Tribe.

Day 2 - Little Tribe

Reeling from the loss, Irene spins out and gets upset. Albína tries to calm Irene, and suggests that that the girls should all do some yoga to help calm themselves. Irene quickly shoots this idea down and says she'd never 'go down like a dog' or 'spread her legs', and says that sounds like something the Anitax would do for attention. Irene and Albína then get into a fight over yoga.

Eilidh intervenes and manages to calm the situation down, giving an inspirational speech about how losing is the new winning, and coaching the tribe on how they can use mental gymnastics to cope with the situation like she's been while doing in exile, convincing herself that she's actually still Korojaunu of somewhere.

Meanwhile, Jésus slips away from camp to go to the bathroom, and he accidentally slips and falls into a ditch. Jésus manages to get himself out and limps back to camp. Simon insists that medical team needs to check Jésus out, and that he should maybe be removed from the game, for his own sake and health, of course. Simon is disappointed when the medical team says that Jésus is still fit to compete despite his swollen ankle. (Jésus never dies. #HeHasRisen)

Day 2 - Small Tribe

The Small Tribe celebrates their victory and decide to take things easy and slow at camp. Lula is impressed with Jean-Claude's inventions and gadgets that he's made for the tribe. When Jean-Claude explained that he he once invented a float that resembled a tank, Lula thought that was a genius idea and that she should learn a thing or two from him.

Day 3 - Tribal Council

At Tribal Council, Irene and Dragan Trympov bicker back and forth between who lost the challenge for their tribe. At the end of the conversation, Jésus reveals that he has immunity for the first tribal council and cannot be voted out.

It is then time to vote. Once everyone has voted, then the votes are counted.

First vote... Dragan
Second vote... Dragan
Third vote... Irene
Fourth vote... Irene

So far: That's 2 votes Dragan and 2 votes Irene. 4 votes left.

Fifth vote... Dragan
Sixth vote... Dragan

That's 4 votes Dragan and 2 votes Irene. 2 votes left.

Seventh vote... The 1st person voted out of Survivor 2: Tiny Island... Dragan. That's 5 votes, that's enough.

Dragan's torch is snuffed and he walks away from tribal council, not without calling them all the biggest losers of the decade.

Survivor EU: Tiny Island

Welcome to the second edition of Survivor EU! In the great tradition of the Tour of Angleter, the Llanowar Stock Exchange, (in development) threads started by Reitzmag, and Duxburian summits, we will never know what happened to the contestants of the first edition of Survivor EU. We wish them the best, and yet we move on. Survivor EU: Tiny Island is here!

Tiny Island is a miniscule and believed-to-be uninhabited island off the coast of Belarum, near Czech Slavia. This remote and desolate island is one of the most inhospitable places in Europe, third only to Dromund Kaas and Twitter during European Commission elections. Tiny Island, and its elements, are just as mysterious as uncertain as to who really owns the island.

Tiny Island will become the new home for some of Europe’s 16 biggest ‘icons’ - various eccentric despots, anime people, and leaders who are subjected to the rage-posting of others on Discord - with the terms icon being used with the same loose liberty that the live econ sheet uses to calculated GDPs. It’s basically abstract subjectivity.

Now, who are these contestants? You didn't ask, but you're going to find out anyway!

These 16 contestants will start out on two divided tribes, the Little Tribe, wearing red, and the Small Tribe, wearing yellow. Eventually, the two tribes will merge and the competition will become an individual game.

Over the course of 39 days, these contestants will need to battle the elements and each other in order to survive. They will need to work together, as well as against each other, in order to forge a new society. The contestants will need to learn to adapt or they will risk being voted off their tribe. In the end, only one will remain to claim the one million Euro prize and title of Sole Survivor. 39 days, 16 contestants… one survivor!

<Survivor EU: Tiny Island Theme Song plays>

((OOC: Nothing in this thread is RP canon and it is completely simulated using BrantSteele.))

Silas just about jumped from his seat in celebration as Reiserová claimed victory in chess. The Bishop Secretary’s hard worked had paid off. Silas politely clapped and smiled with genuine joy when he was defeated.

“Ah, well done! Surely you’re some sort of chess master?” Silas rhetorically asked, further complimenting the Czech President. Silas believed he had the President exactly where he wanted her to be, where she might think she had Silas in the palm of her hands, maneuvering himself in the greater 4D game of chess he was playing.

Reiserová’s requested prize of a divulged secret peaked Silas’ interest. Now that was a very good request, in his mind. “I know many, many secrets, and you can trust me that many of them are far from… trivial. I know a lot about a great deal of people. Stuff you probably don’t even want to know. Hmmm… maybe take some time to think of a specific question about someone, and the next time we meet, you can ask me and I’ll answer that for you. Deal?”

Silas tried to maintain eye contact with Reiserová as she then asked about Mikaela’s ability to have children, but he struggled to keep up with her eyes darting around every direction. “Oh. Don’t apologise, I won’t tell a soul. Mikaela doesn’t have any biological kids because she isn’t married yet, and she’s never been married before. She’s waiting for marriage first. The College of Bishops had to amend the Inquistan constitution so that she was allowed to adopt children in the first place, since the Archbishop previously wasn’t allowed to have any type of kids at all without being married.”

The Bishop Secretary paused for a second and leaned back in his chair more comfortably. “Mikaela is very free-spirited and open-minded, but she also has a stubborn side that never compromises on her own values. I think some people have a very warped perception of who she is, because of her image. I mean, she doesn’t make it easy for herself, with some of her antics. However, she’s a very religious and deeply spiritual person, which is what I guess you’d expect of someone who is the Archbishop of the Inquistan Orthodox Church. Her side of our family, especially her father, always took their faith and the Church quite seriously. Compared to me, Mikaela is basically a nun, or maybe even a saint,” Silas explained with a knowing smile. “She isn’t very imposing about her beliefs, so I think some people might not realise that.”

“Yeah, my cousin used to try and set me up with people all the time. She’s only recently stopped and has finally given up on me. It only took about 15 years of determination and persistence from me to avoid going on most of the dates she tried to set me up with. Maybe in 14 years’ time you will also be that lucky, who knows? She has good intentions, and she just wants people to be happy, but I don’t think she realizes how meddlesome it is. Though, sometimes, the dates she’s put me on were pretty fun, so I can’t always complain.”

After their discussion and dinner, Silas got ready for bed, but joined Reiserová out on the deck to watch the city lights and enjoy the night’s sky. At some point Silas noticed that that Reiserová was breathing more heavily than usual, and he noticed that she had fallen asleep. Silas slid back inside the yacht to fetch her a blanket, covered her, and then returned to his chair beside her. Silas steadily exhaled and fixed his gaze on the lit-up shoreline of Saint Dominico, and soon fell asleep.

Silas was startled awake when Mikaela appeared standing above both him and Reiserová, looking down at them while they laid on their deck chairs. Mikaela was holding two acai bowls and was smiling from ear to ear.

“Good morning, sunshines! Rise and shine! I have your breakfast for you here. We’re heading back to Saint Dominico now, so eat up real quick. Captain Jimin is waiting for Bina and me, pronto!” Mikaela instructed.

Mikaela turned around and disappeared into the yacht. Silas asked Reiserová how well she managed to sleep last night, and made some basic conversation with her as he slowly ate his breakfast while watching the yacht draw itself closer and closer to Saint Dominico. Silas was feeling quite groggy and could barely hold his eyes open. According to his watch, it was barely 6:45am.

The yacht eventually pulled up to the port, where Silas and Tomás bid the ladies adieu as Mikaela and Reiserová got into a separate pink limousine. Silas made sure to pass on his email address and contact details to Reiserová so that they could keep in touch to discuss business opportunities in the future. The captain of the ship, Santiago, walked the ladies to the limousine and opened the door to their vehicle for them. After getting inside, Santiago gave them a rather ominous goodbye.

“See how safe the waters were because of me? That won’t always be the case,” he stated rather grimly, before then shutting the door. Santiago waved goodbye as the limousine pulled away. Mikaela exchanged looks with Reiserová and quickly initiated some small talk, to get their minds off of what he said.

The limousine eventually reached the airport where the Girls on Tour Jet and Captain Jimin were waiting for them. Captain Jimin bowed to the ladies and helped them onboard, and they quickly jetted off to Los Angeles, California.

Upon landing in LA, the girls hurriedly deboarded the Girls on Tour Jet and were taken on a private tour bus with an open-air second level where they could sit and look out at their surrounding around them. The tour bus drove past all of the tourist hot spots in LA, where they caught glimpses of all the iconic landmarks of the City of Angels. When the famous Hollywood sign appeared in the distance, Mikaela made sure to stand up and had Reiserová pose with her with the sign in the background.

Eventually, the tour bus made its stop at the Hollywood Walk of Fame. “We need to find our names on the Walk of Fame! I’m sure we have our names somewhere, right?” Mikaela enthusiastically wondered. The pair walked up and down the entire boulevard, snapping pictures and selfies with the names of entertainers and stars they admired. In the end, however, it became apparent that the Archbishop and the President did not have their own stars on the Walk of Fame. “How do they not have the biggest pop star from Inquista and the best actress from Czech Slavia on the walk of fame? This doesn’t make sense!”

Mikaela did not allow this transgression to dampen their spirits. “You know what, we’re gonna make it so big they’ll have no choice but to include us! I have an idea,” Mikaela declared, taking out her phone and ringing up one of her besties who was big in Hollywood, Ludacris. Ludacris earned himself a Hollywood star after his critically-acclaimed supporting role in the hit film Copalyse Now (2020).

“Hey, Luda, it’s your girl Mikaela. I know this is short notice, but I’m in Hollywood right now with my girl Bina and we need to earn ourselves a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Do you know if you can land us any gigs, just for today?”

It seemed like an impossible order, but Ludacris assured her that he would look into it, since ‘nothing is stronger than family’ – something that Ludacris’ co-star Vin Diesel always assured him. After a few minutes, Ludacris called Mikaela back with some good news.

“Ok, my agent tells me they have an opening slot for you and your friend for a short role. The job requires you guys to do some voice acting work for Minions 3: Gru’s Drift. Your characters will have a 1 minute and 47 second cameo, but they’re also willing to have you record an original song for the movie sound track,” Ludacris explained.

“1 minute and 47 seconds? Can they give us at least 2 minutes? I’d love to sing a song for the soundtrack! Let them know that Bina can sing the Czech cover version,” Mikaela requested, without consulting Reiserová.

Ludacris hung up and then once again called back a few moments later. “Ok, they said they can give you guys a 1 minute and 59 second cameo, take it or leave it. They’d love a Czech version of the song too. They’re expecting you in the studio immediately. I’ll text you the studio location.”

“Woo! Thank you so much, Luda. Love you! Talk to you later,” Mikaela cheered with glee. The Archbishop swung her arms around the Czech President and gave her a tight hug. “We’re gonna take Hollywood by storm!”

The Archbishop had the tour bus take the President and herself to a large motion-picture studio facility. The pair were escorted inside where they were greeted by the film’s director.

“Welcome to Global Studios! We’re so excited to have you both on board with us for Minions 3: Gru’s Drift! We’re hoping to show a new side of the Minions Universe that audiences have never seen before, and we truly feel that a singer and actress of your kind of calibers will add new dimensions to the cinematic experience that we aim to achieve,” the director explained as he led them to the voice recording studio.

Inside the studio, the director then presented them with their characters, who had just been drawn up and animated. “This is what you’ll look like in the film!”

“O-M-G! Minkaela looks gorgeous. So stunning! You have captured me so well, it’s like a mirror!” Mikaela uttered in awe, marveling her character. The Archbishop then gasped as she looked at the President’s character. “Aww, she looks so cute! Bina, they captured your beauty perfectly. Artie will think you look really radiant here as well!”

The director then provided the pair with their script, which barely involved any lines in their short near 2 minute cameo, most of which consisted of gibberish, since minions speak a gibberish language known as Minionese.

“Have you ever voice acted before?” the director asked.

“No, no voice acting, but I’ve spent so many days in the studio singing. It’s basically the same, right?” Mikaela wondered. The Archbishop then turned to the President. “Have you ever done any voice acting?”

The director then went over the core principles of voice acting, and laid out how the recording session would work. Mikaela was really impressed by the director’s attention to detail and his experience in the field.

“Are you single by chance?” Mikaela suddenly asked.

“Oh, yes, currently,” the director answered, somewhat taken aback by the sudden question.

“Are you into people who are a bit shy, awkward, and quiet?” Mikaela pushed on.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Have you ever dated anyone with crippling depression and anxiety?”

“Not that I recall, but I don’t think that would be an issue for me.”

“Have you ever felt like you wanted to get close to someone that you wanted to ‘save’ or ‘change’ for the better? Like feeling drawn to someone who is a walking cry for help?”

“I’d like to think I help change people for the better?”

Mikaela gave Reiserová an approving look. “Ok, we’re adding him to the Rikkalek list,” she whispered quietly.

The Archbishop and President then proceeded to lend their voices to the characters and spoke out their lines into the recording microphone. Once their lines were read to the satisfaction of the director and sound engineers, it was time to record Mikaela’s song for the soundtrack, as well as Reiserová’s cover for the Czech version of the film.

“This song is amazing, Reiserová and I wrote it in the drive over here,” Mikaela assured the director.

After giving a minimally satisfactory vocal performance, Mikaela turned it over to Reiserová. “Ok, Bina, you got this! Sing your heart out!”

@Arstotzovo Accepted! Welcome to the EU.

@Oregon Accepted!

Bishop Lallana left her Europolis office feeling down and dejected, having spent yet another day in the European Council debating and discussing miniscule bits of European law that had no real impact on the working class people of Europe, and having accomplished nothing that would help bring about the worldwide liberation of the proletariat.

How did the bishop go from leading the front lines of progressivism and revolution in Inquista - championing for the equality of all persons, fighting to dismantle the patriarchy and the class system, fighting against discrimination and prejudice, and campaigning for a sustainable and everlasting environment - to now having to sit around a stuffy room, discussing menial topics such as the European Space Agency, a European Commission veto, a European Order of Merit nomination, and so on.

Worse yet, any progress that the Bishop was part of in the quest for universal equality and liberation was sliding backwards. The Bishop recently had to assist and help navigate a socialist schism in Icholasen, guiding her comrades to help them from being killed or purged by others she once also considered comrades. Was the quest for worldwide peace, equality and freedom all but doomed?

"Useless," the Bishop bemoaned to herself. "I'm so useless. What am I doing?"

The bishop wrestled with these thoughts and felt on the verge of giving up.

As Bishop Lallana walked along the sidewalk, struggling with these thoughts, a light suddenly beamed from the sky. The beam of light began to grow, and soon many more beams of light also began to cut through the sky and shine on her. The bright light slowly began to envelop the bishop, and she could feel a burst of energy and warmth wash over her. A loud voice began to boom in her ears.

"Karinn," a loud voice boomed.

A sudden flash of light blinded the Bishop, forcing her to close her eyes. Upon opening her eyes, she saw God, the one true Communist Orthodox God, before her. The Lord was surrounded by His four archangels, Archangel Marx, Archangel Craticus, Archangel Shakur, and Archangel Mufasa.

Bishop Lallana was shocked to see the Lord himself, but was even more surprised to see Craticus both make his way into heaven and become an archangel. Apparently mass murder was a forgivable sin after all. Archangel Shakur wasn't a surprise at all, the Bishop knew he had been dead a long time ago and that the fake Tupac Shakur from Pravoslaviya was a fraud all along, in addition to their fake Taylor Swift and the fake claims made by Trympov about the Bishop’s alleged plastic surgery. Archangels Marx and Mufasa were a welcome sight, and were among the most important figures of spiritual relevance to the Bishop herself, alongside Jesus Christ, of course.

"Karinn, you have forgotten us," Archangel Mufasa declared with a stern voice of disappointment.

"No! How could I?" Bishop Lallana cried out defensively.

"You have forgotten who you are, and so have forgotten us. Look inside yourself, Karinn. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the proletariat's revolution."

"How can I go back? I'm not who I used to be."

"Remember who you are. You are Bishop Lallana, you are one of the Lord's children, and a true revolutionary who will help abolish all class systems. Remember who you are," Archangel Mufasa continued to warn, as the light slowly began to fade, and God and His four righteous archangels began to fade from the Bishop's sight.

"No, please! Don't leave me!" Lallana called out, hoping to ask questions of her own.

"Remember."

"Lord! Don't leave me!"

"Remember."

ZAP! It was as if Lallana had been struck by lightning. After being jolted with energy, the Bishop had been flung onto the ground. When she got back up, it appeared that she had been transported to some other part of Earth. The Bishop wasn't sure where she was or what was going on. It was a very out-of-body and strange experience.

The Bishop realised that there was some sort of fuss going on in the building in front of her, where the press were hounding people as they entered the facility. Lallana pushed her way past the press and went inside, where she saw many faces she recognised. Lallana saw Prince Tommy and Carlos, whose wedding she officiated just over a year ago, as well as a figure who appeared to be Taylor Swift, or a younger version of herself, or perhaps the drag artist Madame Marco - and in all cases, a dear friend - in addition to Michelle Visage and RuPaul, who had just recently rudely rejected the Bishop's request to join her judging panel for the New Republic's Next Top Councillor.

Lallana then bared witness to Tabitha and Tilisek's horrid speeches, whose sickening and hypocritical words chilled her to her core and made her feel sick. The Bishop's blood began to boil and she felt the need to compose herself, and so she quickly sought to find a bathroom where she could wash her face and cool down.

"How can someone who espouses belief in the Creator also dare speak so horribly about the Lord's children? How dare they speak so repulsively of God's own work and intentions? How can the love of homosexuals be sinful when their love is just as real and pure as the love of any other person? Gays are just as loving, loyal, faithful..." Bishop Lallana thought to herself, opening the door to the first bathroom she came across.

The Bishop opened the door and was dismayed to see some sort of salacious activity going on between President Carter and Prince Tommy.

"Well, some gays will go to hell, just statistically speaking," the Bishop rationalised to herself in a whisper.

Normally, Bishop Lallana would immediately retreat from the situation to save everyone from embarrassment and humiliation, but as the figure who officiated and was the witness of Prince Tommy's wedding vows to Carlos, Bishop Lallana could not let this go.

"Alright, that's enough of that, boys," Lallana commanded, walking into the bathroom and cockblocking whatever was going on. The Bishop dragged both men by their arms back to the main stage to everyone else.

Lallana had to make a point to Prince Tommy as well as to the Iskalenic delegation, and she knew she couldn't do it without a sense of authority. How would she gain such authority? By commanding the stage, of course.

Bishop Lallana decided to perform a special rendition of her previous performance at Prince Tommy's wedding, reminding him of his vows.

"Little boys who play with fire get their fingers burned," Lallana warned, pulling Prince Tommy onto the stage with her.

You tied the knot, remember me?
So, you got blue balls, but you shouldn't take chances on dicks like you do
That's something you should think through

There's that look in your eyes
I can read in your face that your feelings are driving you wild
Ah, but boy, you're not a child

Well, I can dance with you, honey, if you think it's funny
Does your partner know that you're out?
And I can chat with you, baddie, flirt a little maybe
Does your partner know that you're out?

Take it easy, take it easy
Try to cool it, boy
Think twice and slow
Does your partner know?

Take it easy, take it easy
Try to cool it, boy
Think twice and slow
Does your partner know?

I can see what you want
But you seem to already have the one to be searching for that kind of fun
So maybe don't run and be done

Now you're so cute, I like your style
And I know what you mean when you give boys a flash of that smile, smile
But boy, you're no longer a child

Well, I can dance with you, honey, if you think it's funny
Does your partner know that you're out?
And I can chat with you, baby, flirt a little maybe
Does your partner know that you're out?

After giving a brilliantly choreographed performance and stunningly slutshaming a Nicoleizian royal, Bishop Lallana spun Prince Tommy off the stage and into Carlos' arms. Shaming their open relationship was a resounding success according to the applause that the Bishop received. "Call me to renew your vows, fellas," the Bishop quipped.

With the spotlight on her, Bishop Lallana used the opportunity to then speak directly to the Istkaleners.

"Tabitha, you must renounce your words and cease that bitter and malignant rhetoric at once. All human beings are made by the Lord's all-knowing and intentional design. We were all created in the Lord's image. God makes no mistakes. It is not for us to cast judgement. Division is what leads humans astray and towards sin. God placed us on Earth to be custodians of this Earth and to protect and nurture one another. We mock God and His work by not upholding Him, and by extension, by not upholding each other.

All humans regardless of any distinction are equal, and must be treated with equal dignity and respect. There is far more that we have in common than what separates us. Both straggots and f**gots - AND YES I CAN, YES I CAN SAY THAT WORD, STOP - must live in harmony, and we must support one another, so that we do not let Satan do what he does best, which is divide us. We must support both straight rights and gay rights. Most importantly, we must dismantle whatever separations the bourgeoisie have created that pit us, the working class, against each other."

Bishop Lallana then gestured for the crowd to remain content in the sidelines, while signaling to RuPaul, Michelle Visage and the Hilarious Ross Matthews that she would join them at the judge's table. Bishop Lallana finally gestured for the Istkaleners and for the Blue Croat President to step up to the Lipsync for Your Banishment.

While Bishop Lallana was preparing herself at the judge's table, Madame Marco popped up beside her. Bishop Lallana was Madame Marco's biggest idol, and Madame Marco had spent most of her drag career as a Bishop Lallana impersonator at her local gay bar, the Bishop’s Balls.

"Bishop Lallana! It is such an honour to see you!" Madame Marco quietly shrieked from the side. Seeing Lallana in person totally made up for seeing how busted RuPaul looked like in real life. Thankfully, Bishop Lallana didn't need a facekini.

"I totally do not believe what they say about you!" Madame Marco continued.

"Wait, what do they say about me?" Lallana asked, rather confused.

"You know, about the plastic surgery..."

"Oh, that's totally fake news. This is all natural. Anyway, it's good to finally meet you Madame Marco. I have to say, I had to do a double take, I wasn't sure if you were Taylor Swift or a double of myself!"

With the Lipsync for Your Banishment about to start, Lallana then politely dismissed Madame Marco to the audience.

European Union

Regional update for the month of August, 2022

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European Commission
Premier Commissioner Jean Claude Juncker (Spain)
Commissioner of Internal Affairs Kevin Cotilla (Leagio)
Commissioner of Foreign Affairs Antoni Reynels (Inquista)

European Council
Speaker Iras Tilkanas (Istkalen)
Deputy Speaker Nicholas Benfield (Inimicus)

European Court of Justice
Chief Justice Judy Scheindlin (United Duchies)
Justice Robert French (United Kingdom)
Justice Raymond Gauthier (Leagio)
Justice Dayo Mwangi (Elthize)
Justice Benjamin Steyn (Inimicus)

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Commission Politics

Upcoming EU Leaders’ Meeting
Commissioner Cotilla has announced an upcoming meeting in September where EU heads of government will come together to discuss and address any current issues or concerns facing the region.

Regional Defence and Expansion Targets Reached
Commissioner Reynels completed his regional security review and successfully established a greater consensus and endorsement of the EU’s defensive procedures. Commissioner Reynels also oversaw the expansion of the European Union to 280 member states, the region’s highest since June 2020, surpassing his initial target of 200 member states.

Council Politics

Commission Veto Powers
Commissioner Cotilla has proposed a constitutional amendment that would give the European Commission the power and ability to veto any Council legislation that was passed with less than 25% of voting participation from active European Councillors. The constitutional amendment is currently up for debate, where it is facing resistance.

Discussion on Repealing the European Space Exploration Act
A discussion on the possibility of repealing the European Space Exploration Act is currently underway. The European Space Exploration Act is responsible for the establishment of the European Space Agency (ESA), which has come under increasing fire due its alleged mismanagement and wasteful cost of funds.

ECB Presidential Election
Luis de Guindos Jurado of Spain was elected as the President of the European Central Bank. The ECB Presidential election was mired by low voter participation from European Councillors, which sparked criticism of how the EU elects its top bureaucrats.

European Border Protection Fund Act
Councillor Sofie Čikarová of Czech Slavia has proposed the European Border Protection Fund Act, which would provide additional funding to frontier states of the European Union in order to foster border protection along their borders with countries and entities outside of the European Union.

European Agricultural Fund Passes
Premier Juncker’s proposed European Agricultural Fund, which aims to provide economic assistance to workers of the EU’s farming and fishing industries, has unanimously passed the European Council with 7 votes in favour.

European Order of Merit
Eurocorps Commander Vincent Drake of the Duxburian Union was unanimously recognised by the European Council for his contributions to European security and global peace, and was subsequently awarded with the European Order of Merit. Commander Drake received his award from Commissioner Reynels who nominated him.

Amendments to Mental Health Act Pass
Amendments proposed by Councillor James Mizrachi-Roscoe of the United Duchies to the European Mental Health Act were unanimously passed with 3 votes in favour. The amendments decentralize mental health services away from the European Health Organization and entrust them with relevant national organisations instead.

Constitutional Amendment on Voting Majority Fails
Councillor James Mizrachi-Roscoe of the United Duchies proposed constitutional amendment that would have prevented the EU from fining European companies more than 1% of their pre-tax profits for breaches of European law failed in a 3-1 vote against.

Elected and Accountable Council Act Repealed
The Elected and Accountable Act, which requires member states with less than 12 months in the European Union to democratically elect their European Councillors, was unanimously repealed with 7 votes in favour.

News From Around Europe

A Tale of Three Icholasens: Chairman’s Death Leads to Socialist Split
The Chairman of the Nicoleizian Communist Party, Michul Jirluchuz, quietly passed away on August 15th. Following the Chairman’s death, a power struggle seemed inevitable between the two factions of the Nicoleizian Communist Party, the TANKIES (authoritarian left) and the AÉN (libertarian left). In order to pre-emptively win that struggle, and with the support of the chairman’s widow, Cécile Laucre, the leader of the TANKIES, organised for the murder of Korojaunu Bernard Sanders and AÉN leader Carole Baskin. Shortly after, Cécile Laucre declared herself as the new Korojaunu of the UNSR. Aware of Laucre’s machinations, and fearing an imminent purge of the whole AÉN, AÉN-aligned leaders of the UNSR’s southern socialist republics announced their secession from the UNSR, establishing their own Federal Republic under the temporary leadership of President Anne-Marie David, the President of the Romain Socialist Republic. In order to consolidate their respective powerbases in the north and south, Korojaunu Laucre of the UNSR and interim President David of the Federal Republic have formed a flimsy truce and have also agreed the split the Nicoleizian capital city (Cesae Vauvra/Saint Regina) between them as a neutral zone. Meanwhile, Free Icholasen, the government in exile of the former United Dominions of Icholasen, remains outside looking in.

You Have No Power Here, Grimwald
August saw a major Supreme Court case decided in Elthize, which had dramatic political fallout. The Supreme Court of Elthize ruled that a fringe group known as the Unitees (who advocated for the reunification of Elthize and Leagio) as a legitimate and legal political group, and ruled that the suppression of their political beliefs have been unjust. President Greenwich Grimwald of Elthize condemned the ruling as “disgusting”, citing the group as a movement that undermines Elthic sovereignty, and requested that Parliament dismiss the ruling. Both houses of Elthic Parliament released a joint statement that also condemned the controversial ruling, slamming the decision as “"illogical and dangerous”, but their ability to dismiss the Supreme Court’s ruling remains in question. The Constitutional Court will now see to the dispute between Parliament and the Supreme Court to see if a dismissal of the Supreme Court’s ruling by Parliament is possible.

Election Season in Lusitania and Vettonia
Following an eventual governing coalition collapse after months of political strife, election season has now officially begun in Lusitania and Vettonia. Candidates from the Liberal Party, Democratic Conservative Union, Monarchist Party, Social Democratic Party, Popular Confederation of the Left, the National Front, as well as the pro-Vettonian and pro-Lusitanians parties, have all announced their presidential candidates. While campaigning is now underway, the election will only take place on September 25th.

It’s A Matter of President
The newly seceded Federal Republic of Icholasen has called an election to elect its president. Despite being led by the AÉN (formerly a faction of the Nicoleizian Communist Party), the Federal Republic has vowed to uphold free and open democratic elections, and many parties associated with the former United Dominions of Icholasen and the Free Icholasen movement are expected to participate. No official candidacies have been announced yet, but candidates from the AÉN, Socialists, Party of June, Liberal Democratic Socialists, National Awakening Party, Dairy Is Lovely and Filling Party (DILF), Milk Is Loathsome and Foul (MILF), Nicoleizian Dawn, and Parti Romain are expected to run.

Sofie’s Choice
Former Premier Commissioner of the European Union, Sofie Čikarová, was appointed as the Czech Councillor to the European Union by her government, following the repeal of the Elected and Accountable Council Act. Outgoing Czech Councillor, Václav Kohout, served as the leader of the Party of the European Left.

Let’s Get This Straight
Blue Croatia, a paternalistic nation dominated by gay men, built itself in contrast to Red Croatia, a matriarchal society dominated by predominantly heterosexual women. Blue Croatia has invited foreign guests to the country to make their case for whether Blue Croatia should enact ‘straight rights’ in order to protect heterosexuals, a controversial move that could land its President in hot water for pushing ‘the Heterosexual Agenda’.

Rewriting the Rules
Several major constitutional amendments have been made in Inimicus, most of which have strengthened the position of the Emperor while weakening all other governmental institutions and bodies. Interestingly, the constitutional amendments also included a clause which states that the “Empire of Inimicus is inextricably bound to the People and Government of the Confederacy of North Diessen", signalling the omnipresent influence that the Empire plays in North Diessen.

On the Rails
The Department of Public Transportation of Brickston has made an ambitious pledge to connect 100% of all rural communities to means of public transportation by 2050. Since 1986, settlements with a population of 100,000 and above have already been connected to national railways networks, but the new initiative focuses on smaller towns and villages, and promises to build up local buses, trams and metros in rural areas.

All Your Base Are Belong to Us
Troops from Spain have landed in Gadalland and Aspern, where they will be garrisoning in a newly constructed overseas military base. The military base will serve to protect Gadalland and Aspern, as well as to extend Spanish military influence in the Caribbean, where Spain has traditionally held considerable influence.

We Remember
Following their ascension to the European Union, the citizens of the Aether Federation have paid remembrance to the many lives lost during its 5-year long civil war that came to a recent conclusion.

The Little Engines That Couldn’t
Transportation woes continue in the United Duchies, this time as two major rail companies, the Central Link and the Eastern and Baltic Train, have had their franchises removed from operation due to "disgraceful tardiness". The two rail providers failed to meet a national standard that requires rail providers to have at least 95% of their trains arriving within 2 minutes of their timetabled time at 90% of stations on their route.

Lost and Found
Archaeologists from Czech Slavia have discovered Slavic jewelry in the Lake of Mostařanka, and have theorised that the jewelry originated from the nearby island of Dována. The discovery has flamed further speculation that the island was once inhabited by a Slavic population and could potentially be a significant heritage site of Slavic paganism. The island of Dována, however, remains out of Czechoslavonic jurisdiction and thus cannot be further investigated.

A Government on a Diet
The government of the Aether Federation made significant reductions in its government bureaucracy by closing or merging 24 of its ministries. In addition to streamlining and reducing the size of its government bureaucracy, the reforms were also made in part due to the large amount of ministerial-related scandals.

Sport and Culture

EuroVoice 42: Trondheim
The 42nd edition of the EuroVoice Song Contest came to a long-awaited conclusion. Ineland’s Clara Luciani walked away as the winner of the contest, winning with her song Le Reste. Clara Luciana is the first winning artist hailing from Ineland. Autoheart, representing Istkalen, claimed second place with their song Lent, while Supersister, representing a united team from Icholasen, finished third with Coffee. The European Union eagerly awaits the next contest to be held in Ineland!

This regional update has been issued by the Commissioner of Foreign Affairs.

@BrumBrum Accepted, and Strathae removed.

I vote FOR the proposed amendment.

Bp. Karinn Lallana
Councillor for Inquista