The Chairman and the Archbishop
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The Politburo building, Cesae Vauvra, Icholasen“Tear down this wall, Mr. Jirluchuz” the Chairman’s homosexual interior designer said.
“Hmmm… I don’t know I’m not really a fan of open plan living.” The Chairman replied. “Maybe we could just paint the room a light shade of communist red?”
“Chairman" the interior designer said, in disbelief that the Chairman could even suggest such a stupid idea, "red is so 1970. The new communism needs a new colour, darling. What about hot pink? Or... zebra print? Listen: 'the people’s flag is zebra print, it shrouded oft our martyred dead - etc etc!”
“As much as that’s catchy, I feel for the poor zebras.” The Chairman said solemnly.
Harry the intern burst into the room and cried “Chairman! Here’s your Pizza Hut pizza.”
“Ah yes" Jirluchuz said, rubbing his hands together in anticipation. “The only private enterprise still allowed to operate, they sure make a good pizza. How is the eradication of private enterprise going, Harry?”
The intern started to speak again “very well, Chairman. McDonalds, for one, has closed. I’m having withdrawal symptoms but, you know, it’s all for the good of the proletariat. I can go without my Egg McMuffin … for the ... proletariat.” Henry said, dabbing his brow.Then, a call from Bernie Sanders came through to the Chairman. “Chairman, I have some great news. Inquistah’s leader has pledged to at least somewhat support us because of that Tweet Whiteford sent out. I knew Twitter would help me one day. Thanks, Bernie Bros.”
“Thanks for giving me this information, Comrade. Very very interesting. I might give that… Craticus a ring. Nah, I'll make Harry do it.” Gorbachev said, chowing down on his pepperoni Pizza Hut pizza.
And so, Intern Harry rang up his Inquistan counterpart and arranged for Craticus to come to Cesae Vauvra, the City of the People. While arrangements were being made for the Archibishop's arrival, the Chairman assembled the Politburo.
"Chairman, I just cannot believe you would consider engaging with capitalists in any way, shape or form! What happened to the idealism of our revolution?" Agriculture Minister, Yanis Kulak said.
"Comrades, comrades" Jirluchuz said, his bellowing voice commanding the room. "We have to know our enemies. We're not going to do a socialist friendship kiss. That's reserved for Piane." Piane then made an excited noise. "But anyway, we need to present ourselves as the legitimate government of this island, and if meeting Craticus, the antiChrist, or whatever the atheist equivalent to that phrase is, offers to help us with that we should definitely take their offer! Alright Comrades -- we need to get to work before the Inquistans arrive. Vamos!"
And so the Politburo got to work, telling others to go and do work for them. Red carpet was laid out at Cesae Vauvra International Airport, still bearing the name Saint Regina International Airport; the route from the airport to the Politburo headquarters was lined with Icholasen and Inquista's flags and each Minister looked at areas where the two countries could work together in their department. It was a buzzing atmosphere at the Politburo. Communist Icholasen was now much closer to achieving the international recognition it so desired.
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Archbishop Craticus arrived in Cesae Vauvra International Airport alongside Bradley Costa, his trusted chief assistant.
“Hmmm, not much has changed,” Craticus observed from the window of his private jet. “The airport still looks the same.”
“I don’t think they’ve had time to paint it red yet,” Bradley pouted with a hint of disappointment in his voice. Craticus carefully looked Bradley up and down with suspicion.
“You look more eager than usual. You’re normally quite high-strung. I can typically feel stress and anxiety radiating from your body during international visits. This time, you seem… very content,” Craticus commented cynically.
“Oh no, not content at all, Your Holiness. I’m internally fraught” Bradley commented as sweat ran down the back of his neck.
“Good,” Craticus nodded.
Bradley sunk into his seat and silently sighed. After years and years of being the Archbishop’s chief assistant and emotional punching bag, Bradley has felt every morsel of hope and happiness in his life slowly being pulverized to dust. Being the Archbishop’s chief assistant is hard work, and Bradley has increasingly felt like he’s being taken for granted and exploited. Bradley had recently tuned into Owen Jones’ daily news segment and found himself feeling heard and represented. Bradley never imagined that he would ever support communists, but now he found himself in that position. In truth, Bradley has never been more excited for an international visit. He was eager to visit a communist regime and he was even more eager to meet Chairman Jirluchuz himself, his newfound personal hero.
Archbishop Craticus and Bradley Costa departed from the plane and walked the red carpet that was laid out for them. “It’s not even red, it’ off-colour magenta,” Craticus commented under his breath. The two were then escorted and ushered into a tiny red ZAZ-966 and driven to the Politburo building. The streets were lined with Inquistan and Nicoleizian flags, which blew majestically in the wind.
“I have to say, I love the flag,” Bradley caught himself saying aloud.
“Of course. Inquista has the best flag in the world,” Craticus responded, side-eyeing Bradley.
“Ah, yes, yes, Inquista does, totally,” Bradley nervously laughed.
Upon arriving at the Politbuto building, another red carpet awaited the Archbishop and Bradley as they exited their vehicle. “This isn’t red either, it’s a deep maroon,” Craticus commented as he walked the carpet. Eventually, the two reached the Politburo entrance where several Nicoleizian officials awaited them.
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Aides scurried around the Politburo building awaiting the arrival of the Archbishop. Polishing the hammers and sickles, trolling Firoux's band of FBPF (follow back pro-Firoux) centrists on twitter, and ordering in Pizza Hut for everyone there. Suddenly, time ran out and it was time for the symbolic handshake outside the front door. That handshake would signify some of the European establishment's acknowledgement of the Nicoleizian Regime. The Chairman made his way outside to the red carpet where Craticus and some irrelevant aide was waiting. The Chairman and the Archbishop shook hands before Craticus was invited inside to a conference room where diplomats from both sides could sit. Orders were taken for drinks and other things requested. Chairman Jirluchuz asked for vodka on the rocks and a some of that sweet, sweet Pizza Hut Hawaiian pizza. Jirluchuz, off with the fairies, reflected on the horseshoe theory and thought to himself 'yeah, that does make a lot of sense to be honest.' People began to sit down and quieten and when the room was sufficiently quiet, the Chairman said to Craticus; "Comrade, what can I do to help you ?"
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"Thank you for inviting me to Icholasen and thank you for being a generous host this afternoon. Icholasen and Inquista share an unbreakable bond between our nations and our people, and I am glad that our countries can continue to support each other in a time when political expediency has corrupted international politics. Inquista has officially recognized you and your government as the legitimate government of Icholasen, and we shall urge our European allies to do the same. Inquista will not support the European Council's condemnation of Icholasen, which was nothing but a politically-motivated attack organized by the europhilic extremists in Europolis, who despise the working people and sovereignty of Icholasen.
In my view, and in the view of Inquista, the foreign leaders of Europe have overstepped their boundaries by dictating how our countries should be operated and who should be leading them. Their support for an exiled terrorist and an irrelevant European bureaucrat is nothing but an affront to the will of our people and the self-determination of our states.
I'm sure you've heard of Shallon Lester in Icholasen, yes? She is quite the fan of your Minister for Foreign Affairs , Bernie Sanders. Shallon always says, 'the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference'. Your government and I may not be traditional allies, but we are not opposites. We must crush the epitome of indifference, which are the ultra radical centrist extremists who are being controlled from Europolis."
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Chairman Jirluchuz gleamed at the news Craticus was telling him. He nodded along enthusiastically, agreeing with the Archbishop on almost everything he said. Jirluchuz waited for the end of Craticus' spiele, and said; "I'm glad you understand that in the horseshoe theory, the centrists are the evil ones, thank you for your recognition of our nation. We now have endorsements from across Europe, thanks to you Mr. Craticus. I believe we can work together in taking down our enemies, and anything I can do or spare I will do. We can achieve much more together than apart. I'm also very happy that you're taking down Firoux, the person who denied Becky Short-Hailey her Marx-given right to speak in the Council, I trust that we can continue to collaborate to stop Firoux's antics. We have our best Bernie Bros trolling his supporters as we speak."
"In terms of common foreign policy goals, in your opinion, are there any countries we could work with or against to further our goals?" Jirluchuz stated.
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"Gallorum has proven itself to be a pragmatic and sensible ally to Inquista. I'm glad they've joined Inquista in recognizing your government as legitimate. Naturally, I imagine Czech Slavia is currently in Icholasen's corner. These are nations we can trust.
Reitzmag has proven itself to be an enemy to both of our causes. However, their nation is such a mess that it's probably best that we continue to support a peace process there before we waste more of our time and resources. Negotiating with their king is like negotiating with a 13 year old child.
I'm more concerned about how foreign forces are attempting to interfere in our internal politics. The protests in Inquista are nothing but a temporary fad. Nevertheless, I do find it very inappropriate and a serious breach of international protocol for foreign leaders and media to attempt to interfere in Inquista's internal politics. I quite appreciate the good work that your Bernie Bros are doing in combating these protests on Twitter, and would appreciate it if they continued to do so with even more fervor. There's absolutely no double standard in me asking you to do so.
Likewise, I would be willing to help lend a hand in crushing the resistance in Icholasen. Inquista and Gallorum have substantial cross-networks of intelligence sharing between our defence and security networks. We have obtained lot of information on the whereabouts and plans of exiled Nicoleizian leaders in Gallorum. We are more than happy to share this with you below the table. Similarly, should Eilidh Whiteford or any other irrelevant Nicoleizian exile step foot in Inquista, we would be more than happy to deport them back to your country."
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"We would love any help crushing our little... resistance problem. They're causing quite the nuisance! And as for Whiteford, we are no longer certain of her whereabouts, she could be literally anywhere in Europe. Quite worrying. Anything we can do to stop people interfering in your politics, we will do. The regiments of Bernie Bros are doing the best they can. Godspeed."
"I'd like to also discuss economic investment. As you might know, Icholasen no longer has CEOs and businesses, but democratically elected leaders of workers cooperatives. Now, they operate similarly to businesses and could always use investment. We'd like to encourage work between your companies and our workers cooperatives, allowing goods and services made in Icholasen to be sold in Inquista and vice versa. We can negotiate the specifics but is the general idea appealing to you?"
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"This idea is very appealing. I imagine now more than ever, Icholasen is looking for new trade partners and opportunities where it can. Inquista, as always, is looking to deepen our trade relationships. Inquista and Icholasen already have a comprehensive trade agreement, but I believe we should eliminate whatever trade barriers exist between our states. Inquista and its businesses will also be more than happy to invest heavily into Nicoleizian capital.
As a city-state, we are always looking for more access to natural resources, agricultural products and food. I imagine you will be initiating some collectivized farming initiatives, yes? Inquista shall provide tax credits to Inquistan investors who will supply Nicoleizian farmers with modern and up-to-date farming and mining equipment. Using this equipment, we hope that Icholasen will create highly productive collectivized farms and mines, which should produce cheap and high quality onions and other agricultural products and natural resources for Nicoleizians and Inquistans to enjoy.
Furthermore, Inquista is always looking for new energy sources, and we're increasingly looking for sustainable and renewable ones. Too many states are taking too long to transition to sustainable energy systems. Thus, Inquista would like to support a Red New Deal in Icholasen, where we invest in red-green technology to build a fully renewable energy systems in Icholasen. Inquista will also lay down more power cables in the water between our nations, connecting our power grids."
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"Icholasen is very interested in your support for the agricultural and resource mining industries. They're one of the areas of the economy we're bringing entirely into state control as a matter of urgency. You are right that as the farms begin to collectivise they'll need much more equipment, and we are happy to take you up on that offer. We believe we can start producing enough food for not just Icholasen, but Inquista, too. We can certainly come to a happy conclusion on food security for both our nations.
Icholasen has a lot more coastline than Inquista, and as such we are planning to build many more offshore wind farms. By unifying our energy systems we can ensure our two nations have enough power. With Inquistan investment and the Nicoleizian coastline. Other green energy exploration can definitely take place, but wind has proven to be the best for us since we're an island."
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"Sounds most excellent, Chairman.
As the Archbishop of the Inquistan Orthodox Church, it would be a remiss of my duties if I didn't bring up a discussion about faith and religion. I fully understand that your state is officially and publicly atheist. However, I must voice my concern for the Orthodox people of Icholasen. I am particularly concerned for the members and descendants of the Inquistan diaspora in Icholasen who are Inquistan Orthodox. If we are to have any sort of agreement here today, then I hope you shall allow for all Orthodox churches to continue to operate without persecution in your country.
I also think this could be an opportunity. While you and your state are atheist, you might find it in your best interest that your Catholic population abandon their ideology for something more... in line with your views. You see, the Inquistan Orthodox Church, while still retaining many Catholic elements, has a more modern approach to theological issues, such as the fact that our bishops are democratically elected by the people, our bishops can be of any sex or gender, they are permitted to marry and have children, and so on. Inquista has more than its fair share of zealous Orthodox televangelists, and I'm sure you could provide them with a platform on your state media. These televangelists could convert Nicoleizian Catholics into something your state might find more palpable. Besides, should the Catholic Church convene and elect a new pope - likely from Spain, Ireland or Angleter - they likely won't have as many good things to say about Icholasen as I will."
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"We are, as you say, officially atheist. But that means that we just don't get involved. So you are more than welcome to proselytise anyone in our nation. Televangelists will, of course, not be allowed to make more than 4 times the amount of tithe than their lowest workers. But other than that rule, by all means go ahead my friend. Best of luck to you. It will be very interesting to see who the new Pope is."
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"Indeed. Well, Chairman, I must thank you for this fruitful meeting of ours," Craticus said as he got up from his chair. Craticus then waited for Chairman Jirluchuz to get up from his seat so they could shake hands. Several photographs were ushered into the room and then began to take photographs of the Archbishop and the Chairman shaking hands. Craticus shook the Chairman's hand for an extended period of time, allowing for quite a few photographs to be taken.
"Glad I could meet this legitimate, authorized, permitted, lawful, legal, recognized, statutory, real, verified, defensible, genuine, authentic, Jeffree Star approved, credible and valid Chairman of the Union of Nicoleizian Socialist Republics," Craticus commented as he smiled and shook the Chairman's hand. After a minute, he let the Chairman's hand go and gave him a kiss.
"No homo, though," Cratiucs said after kissing the Chairman. Craticus then turned to face the photographs again.
"The Most Blessed State of Inquista has affirmed it's recognition of Union of Nicoleizian Socialist Republics, its Chairman and it's rightful government. Inquista has pledged to support the UNSR in defeating its resistance in Icholasen, while we welcome the UNSR's support for our government back in Inquista in light of some recent protests. All trade barriers between our states will be dropped, and Inquista will invest significant capital into the farming and mining sectors of the UNSR. In addition, we shall support a Red New Deal in Icholasen, and we shall create renewable energy for all Nicoleiaizians and Inquistans to enjoy. Glory to both our nations," Craticus explained.
Craticus was then provided a document which was procured by a scribe, and then swiftly signed it, which was then passed on to Chairman Jirluchuz to also sign. After the two heads of state signed the document, they shook hands once again before the Archbishop departed from the Poliburo building. As Craticus walked out of the building, he realized that his chief assistant, Bradley Costa, was nowhere to be seen. Craticus returned to his vehicle and waited several minutes, but Bradley still didn't show up. Suddenly, the Archbishop's phone began to buzz. It was a message from Bradley.
'I am sorry my Archbishop', the message began, 'but I cannot return home with you. I have found my new place in this society. I feel free and liberated here. I hope this does't disappoint you. Always your servant, Bradley.'
Craticus stuffed his phone into his pocket and demanded for his driver to return him to his jet. "Just another worker who think he's a special snowflake. Sure I've had him as my chief assistant for 10 years, but he's easily replaceable. Who does he think he is anyway?" Craticus muttered aloud.
