Copala's Call Out
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Copala City
April 28, 2020
Good morning Copala City! I am once again honoured to be here with you all. It's always a treat when I get the chance to visit this amazing and historic city.
I remember, as if it was just yesterday, when this great place was basically nothing. Absolutely nothing. But together, we have truly built a wonderful community here. Copala City is undoubtedly the greatest city in the world. They're now calling Copala City the 'City Where Dreams Come True'. Sure, right now it's mostly just tents, but we're making quick progress in building those resorts, casinos and clubs, aren't we? [Copala points behind her, where a series of cranes can be seen in the distance and the faint sound of drilling and construction work can be heard] I really can't wait to bring my kids to the theme park they're building. While I do love to fly planes when I travel, I hope that when I visit the next time, it's via cruise ship and not in the air. I've actually never been on a cruise ship, so I'd love to do it. Doesn't that sound great? Imagine taking a wonderful cruise through the European seas and then going through the canal into the Caspian, and then pulling up to these beautiful shores, with the statue of me here to great you? Magical.
Looking out in the distance, and seeing that amazing statue of myself... wow, I feel very humbled. It truly is a beautiful sight. The statue is much better than any statue of King George, isn't it? [Members of the crowd can be heard clapping and cheering] Yes, a round of applause for the statue! [Copala claps and joins the applause] A lot of people now consider the Statue of Copala's Freedom to be one of the new Seven Wonders of the World. In my humble opinion, it's not just the statue, but the entire Copala City, which should be considered a wonder of the world. What we're doing here is wonderful. You guys are putting in a lot of work! It will all be worth it. Hard works always pays off.
Like many of you, I enjoy unwinding after a hard day’s work. Last night, I was just sitting at home, sipping some wine and watching some compilation videos of parents being arrested in front of their children on YouTube – I love those videos, they really calm me down, you know? I can’t recommend prison ASMR enough. It’s just really soothing. I used to also listen to this really calming playlist of bombers and attack helicopters attacking cities, but I just don’t get tingles from those anymore. Anyway, I suddenly got this notification on my phone and I saw that that Mr. Trympov was talking about me. I was like, ‘What in the hell is that punk ass saying now?’ Turns out, the was man was lying through his fake teeth and his fake tan, talking lies on me and hating on Copala City [Members of the crowd begin to boo].
There’s nothing worse than a fake and a fraud. I’ve encountered many thugs like Trympov in my life. When I first joined the Holy Inquistan Air Force, there were tons of enlisted punks who thought that they were tough shit. They talked really big games but they could never deliver. They walked around base strutting their stuff, and then months later, they were practically begging to go home. Trympov is just another of these fake tough guys. It’s all just a smokescreen for their own insecurities. Me? My actions speak for myself. I don’t need to lean on rhetoric. Whenever I walk into the Chiefs of Staff meeting, you have to see all the other commanders! [Copala begins to cackle as she speaks] Their eyes widen and become really big, and I can see them literally shaking in their boots. This one time, I walked into a room of my field officers and [Copala cackles hysterically] one of them apparently wet their pants. These boys know what I’m capable of and they know I don’t play any games.
So this damn orange buffoon has the gall to call himself anti-communist, yet he’s out here bashing me and talking trash about how I single-handedly saved Reitzmag from communism. I’m easily the most anti-communist person in all of Europe. So why is this punk coming for me? Trympov claims he’s anti-communist, but his words clearly say otherwise, and his record isn’t any better either. Trympov didn’t lend his hand in support of the fight against communism in Reitzmag. Trympov is the Deputy Prime Minister of Pravoslaviya, so I’m sure he easily could have supported the fight against communism. Yet he didn’t. Pravoslaviya is one of Reitzmag’s neighbours, and at one point, the communist rebellion spread all the way to the Pravoslaviyan border, and yet Trympov and his government did nothing. Absolutely nothing. It was Inquista and Gallorum that had to come to the aid of Reitzmag and fight against the communist insurgents. Trympov sat at home, twiddling his tiny fat thumbs, doing nothing, while his neighbour and his border was being threatened by the red scourge. I had to save the country myself.
Trympov then criticizes me for bombing all of East Moreland after that flop of a peace treaty was signed. I’ve never read the Art of Deal, so could someone please direct me to the chapter where it say that it’s apparently fine to negotiate with communists? I don’t negotiate with communists. I bomb them. Maybe I should write a book? The Art of the Bomb? Would you guys read it? [The crowd shouts a resounding ‘yes’] It will be available on Kindle, don’t worry. I can even record an audio version for Audible. Use the discount code ‘Copala20’ for 20% off your next Audible purchase, by the way.
I’m sure you all – yeah, especially you guys - remember what happened after that trash treaty was signed. There was an assassination attempt on the King’s life the next day, and then there was a communist coup in Icholasen. The communists clearly had not yielded in Reitzmag and their actions emboldened other communists overseas. This is why you can’t negotiate with communists. The only good communist is a dead communist. That’s why I had no choice but to uproot all of communism from the country and bomb the hell out of East Moreland. Where is communism now in Reitzmag? It’s all gone. Trympov didn’t even bother to thank me for saving Reitzmag and the Pravoslaviyan border from the communist insurgency. Now he’s here criticizing me, and criticizing me for taking action over the failed treaty. Trympov always criticizes others for ‘all talk, no action’, but he’s epitome of all talk, no action on communism. His approach to communism is dangerous. He thinks you can negotiate and make treaties with communists. You can’t.
That’s why I have to praise some badass women who have actually been tough on communism. Let’s put our political affiliations to the side and honour these women for a minute. We have Councillor Carita Falk, who wrote the motion to condemn and punish the communist regime in Icholasen. You have Prime Minister Ursula von der Leyen who has been working tirelessly to contain the communist regime in Icholasen. Then you also have former Gallic Prime Minister Elisabeth Baschet, who valiantly stood up against the Nicoleizian communist regime and decided to step down with dignity rather than work with a recognized communist government. These are all women of action. So what has Trympov done? Nothing, except criticize the EPA and all these women. It’s very, very troubling. I’m not sure if Trympov is entirely misogynistic, completely downplaying the role that women have had in the fight against communism in Europe, or the fact that Trympov isn’t actually nearly as anti-communist as he claims? It’s probably both.
Trympov is a total fraud. He’s not even a good businessman. The poor orange man doesn’t even have enough money to build a Trympov Tower here in Copala City, despite this city being the future of the tourism industry. Do we see a Trympov Tower anywhere here? I don’t. The man has no money. He has one tower in Saint Dominico and it’s terrible. Do you want me to read you some TripAdvisor reviews of Trympov International Hotel & Tower Saint Dominico? [Members of the crowd can be heard yelling ‘yes!’] Ok, here let me read you all some. [Copala pulls out her iPhone and takes a minute to google and find some TripAdvisor reviews] It has a 2.1 overall rating on TripAdvisor. Just abysmal. Can we imagine the TripAdvisor reviews of Europolis with Trympov on the Commission? Anyway here are some reviews. ‘One star. How can a place so awful be a part of such a beautiful city? As soon as we pulled up outside and looked at the dirty, holey curtains hanging like rags behind the stinking glass of the rotting windows we should have turned and run.’ Just awful. Here’s another: ‘One star. This place is SCARY! We were lured in by the apparent beautiful exterior of the hotel. After we checked-in, we discovered our room was a filth hole. In the middle of the night, a guy that was clearly intoxicated and on crack barged in with the correct key! Pretty much everything was wrong with this hotel. AVOID.’
What did the TripAdvisor review say? Avoid! That’s right. We all need to avoid Trympov. In this regard, Copala City is doing excellent. I think that’s why Trympov is so anti-Copala City. He sees this city’s commercial and economic potential and he’s very insecure about it. My statue is much bigger than any of Trympov’s towers. He’s very angry that I have a statue and he doesn’t, and that the statue is very tall. His towers are so tiny in comparison to my statue. His towers are very small, like his… you know… his small… you know what I’m talking about.
Whenever we perform bombing operations, we use tall buildings as landmarks for bombing. We could never use one of his towers as a geographical reference, they’re way too small. [Members of the crowd can be heard chanting ‘Bomb Trympov Tower, bomb Trympov Tower!’ and Copala cackles] We couldn’t even if we tried. Too small. Besides, we only bomb important buildings, like schools and hospitals anyway [The crowd boos and continues to chant ‘Bomb Trympov Tower, bomb Trympov Tower’].
Now, instead, we need to channel this energy into supporting people who are actually taking real action against communists. That’s why you have to support the EPA. You need to support Eilidh Whiteford – who is staunchly anti-communist – as well as Jean Claude Juncker and Antoni Renyels for the European Commission. They’re the only ones who are not all talk, no action like Trympov on communism.
Thank you so much Copala City! I can’t wait to see you all again soon.
