An Orthodox Approach to Diplomacy
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"Capitalists looking out for each other - I see how it is." Becky Short-Hailey said. "And Jordyn, bruv, you wanna see the legitimate government of Icholasen - it's us mate. Take a long hard look and get used to it. We don't even want your open borders anyway. Inquista is far to small and far too rich for its own good.
As for the accusation that we got involved after the communists died off, that is not true. Before the coup in Icholasen, I and others from the Nicoleizian Dominion of Nuwnociluosoaulaunk aided the communists. Our government in Nuwnociluosoaulaunk is the legitimate and democratically elected predecessor to the current government and be in no doubt, we have been working tirelessly to aid the communists in Reitzmag for a very long time.
In addition, Chairman Jirluchuz (praise be upon him) is the father of our nation, the embodiment of the proletariat. I find it offensive that you should call him out and any more slander against Chairman Jirluchuz (praise be upon him), myself and Bernard here will leave."
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Mr. Farage stands up and bangs his shoe on the table while the Communist Nicolezian Diplomat speaks.
Mr. Farage: "Now we're talking, you are a tyrrant! You are supporting such violent actions despite their leader actually not supporting such thing. Come to think on how many innocent lives were wasted because of the violence you supported. And now, you don't want to pay for repairing a place you turned into wasteland by supporting such acts of chaos. This is ridiculous and unforgivable! You shall suffer the consequences of what you've done!
You also have to replace the patrol vessel with at least equal level of technology. AWACS patrolling the area were present and they reported this immediately. The pilot was identified as Communist Taylor Swift and is a pro-communist Nicolezian. And of course, who would even tend to steal a stealth equipped fighter-bomber. You should have greatly protected such high-tech equipment from "rogue pilots" that you described to have piloted the said aircraft when RNS Archangel Gabriel was destroyed. And who could load such aircraft with those number of missiles by herself?
Friends, this is a very logical situation. And this may easily be solved by accepting that you owe a lot from the URR because of what you've done. Inquista shall also pay since they were those who fought against Communist Icholasen. And that the battle did not involve any equipment of the Grand Royal Armed Forces to attack or retaliate."
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"Sir, you will respect all delegates here and listen to what they say. If you make another action like that we will convene a recess and you will be suspended from attending any further proceedings.
Look, I have offered serious concrete proposals. In compromise no one is ever satisfied, but through compromise we can work to ensure a far better outcome than what was previously expected. You all want different things, but there is no way to to accommodate all of them. There is the fair and just proposal I put forth which allows for us to lay a frame work for more potential to accommodate further grievances. "
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Bishop Secretary Finsch recoiled in his seat as Mr. Farage banged his shoe on the table. He patiently waited for him to finish rambling, before then deciding to speak.
"I understand what you're getting at Mrs. Nyu- I mean Mr. Nylund. However, Inquista doesn't need to participate in an internationally centralized bureaucratic system in order to resettle Inquistan Orthodox refugees. We already have a system in place in Inquista to specifically deal with this. I can appreciate clarity, and the fact that Vayinaod would generously pay for the first three years, but this proposed system wouldn't be more efficient - at least, for us Inquistans anyway. Besides, I can tell you right now, if I agreed to an international committee on refugees, I would probably be sacked by the Archbishop on the spot and sent to a uranium mine in the Western Sahara. Nothing like a good 'ol gulag, eh Becky?
"Again, I can appreciate the sentiments of your proposal Mrs. Nylund. Oh, excuse me - Mr. Nyuland - sorry. But there's just no need for a middle man. When Inquistans depart with their money, they like to give it straight to the source, completely on their own terms. I think both of these ideas are good, and I encourage you all and even other European nations to be involved with them, but Inquista simply just won't be participating.
"Reitzmag will either pay for 25% of absolutely all Inquistan operations in Reitzmag, including the bombing of E. Moreland, or they will pay 90% of all operations that preceded the bombing of E. Moreland. Both of these options are final and are non-negotiable. Choose one.
"Also, Becky, sis. The only thing that is legitimate, is the shadow of Jaremi Carebin that overshadows you. You're not even half the revolutionary he is. If the regime in Icholasen was going to take this discussion seriously, then they obviously would have sent Piane Daggot herself, since she's a negotiator known for her strong mathematical and number-crunching abilities. Instead, however, they sent you. Quieten down and let Mr. Sanders do the talking."
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Nigel stops banging his shoe on the table and wears it. He listens to both the speakers and then stand up.
Mr. Farage: "I'm sorry Sec. Finsch but the URR has no liability for bombing E. Moreland since it was unpermitted. The government only permitted you to aid in controlling the communist rebels."
phone starts ringing
Mr. Farage: "Excuse me, HM George I would like to talk to us."
Mr. Farage connects the phone to a speaker and the projector to show the king's face.
HM George I: "I have been notified that the reason Inquista bombed E. Moreland without my permission is only to retaliate after a pro-communist performed an assassination attempt on me. If this is so, then I should have just died rather than many innocent civilians died and that the sovereignty of the URR is invaded."
call ends
Mr. Farage: "So apparently, you have heard the king. He did not like your armed forces' actions. Also, why would you want us to pay for service that we did not force you to do? It's called FOREIGN AID and this aid is of voluntary basis only. It was then up to you to help. Foreign aid is not designed to generate money but instead to help other nations in great need.The communists were being organized to begin their surrender when the bombing immediately began without our consent or at least the king's. Now, you don't want to pay for what you've done? You destroyed our economy by disobeying our instructions and that is an invasion of sovereignty. Long live the URR!"
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"Alright, lets back to the basics.
All military forces will vacate Reitzmag in less than one weeks time, that seems to be agreeable to everyone provided other points are met.
If Reitzmag agrees to pay Inquista and Gallorum 50% of the initial military operational costs over a one year time period , with the remaining 40% coming from economic incentives for Inquistan businesses to invest or set up in E. Moreland and other impacted areas of Reitzmag would that be acceptable? E. Moreland could be declared a special economic zone to accommodate this.
Becky and Bernie, if communist Nicoleizian forces leave now and promise to no longer interfere in the affairs of Reitzmag, only taking in communist political refugees who wish to leave the country is that acceptable? No paying for the boat itself, offering support for the families of those who died to your pilot. You can still claim them to be a rogue, but offer support as to help those impacted by the Imperialism of Europe if you want to spin it that way.
It seems there is not support for a central system for the refugees but would everyone agree to the establish of a system to monitor the countless camps being set up for the variety of refugee classes? Vayinaod wishes to send and pay for medical and humanitarian supplies to all these camps. "
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Parly: We in the Kingdom of Gallorum resent the allowance for language of imperialism. The European Union is a democratic institution and all its nations are democratic. In fact it’s only the communists who have failed in democracy, resorting to the violent revolution we see before us.
We will not support any agreement that includes language of imperial accusation. Gallorum would like to offer deal with the Reitzmic armed forces that their payment to Gallorum could include defence procurement, ensuring security for their nation.
The Kingdom of Gallorum will accept refugees to be resettled in an agreement between Her Majesty’s Government and the Irish Government.
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"Maybe if you don't want that language to be used, don't be imperialistic." Becky Short-Hailey declared. "I'm not prepared to take lectures on democracy from a Gaulois regime with a monarch. Who voted for Queen Margrethe, huh? Can a country really be democratic without the liberation of the proletariat? And Kristian, we would do all those things anyway on our own. Icholasen doesn't need multilateralism. Icholasen can act unilaterally because we're a big power here. A big deal! Honestly, the only reason me and Bernie are still here is the free jammie dodgers. Bernie loves a jammie dodger."
"I do!" Bernie said moving his arms upward with enthusiasm, nearly hitting Nigel Farage in his neverending neck.
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Foreign Minister Parly: Ms. Becky, is it? Perhaps you are mistaken as to what a constitutional monarchy is...the monarch serves no purpose but to be a representation of the state. She is, what do you say...set dressing as it were. There to perform theatre so that decisions can be made by the democratically elected National Assembly of Gallorum and carried out by the Government of Gallorum. We were voted in by the will of our people. But neither here nor there; I'm sure Piane can get you caught up on the appropriate political science for failed despots book later.
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Becky retorted, "our mission in Icholasen is to end the vanity of nations. It seems, other than Inquista, you must be one of the most vain nations in Europe. 'Set dressing'? Seriously? Surely, instead of houses and dinners for royals, you could do the same for the homeless and poor. I'm sorry if this disturbs your liberal sensibilities, I imagine you do not wish to face about the flaws of your oligarchic regime, preferring to stay ignorant and blind."
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Parly: The only oligarchs I see were the ones who usurped power from the rightful government of Icholasen. We will take no lectures from you on how we conduct our affairs and look after our people.
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"OKAY, lets take an hour break for lunch. Please feel free to contact your governments on what has already been discussed, and reflect on whats been stated so far. I am sure we can still come to some sort of agreement."
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NIgel immediately stood up and called PM Johnson to enter the room in exchange for him.
PM Johnson: "Now hold on for a second Ms. Becky, you just said that you helped those rebels in their violent approach. That is not forgivable and you shall be detained for such crime of promoting violence!"Adm. Anderson stands up and cuts PM Johnson.
Adm. Anderson: "I cannot agree that our equipment is not replaced, Icholasen, Gallorum, and Inquista must be demilitarized for 1 month. And you (points to Ms. Becky) and all of you leaders of the communist party of Icholasen shall be detained for such acts that imposed a great threat to our nation! You shall be disbanded in the name of justice and HM George I. Heil König Georgius Der Erste!" -
Bernie took a bite of his raisin bran while Becky angrily stirred her coffee. "Can you believe Parly?" Becky said.
"Uhh... no I can't" Bernie said.
"I can't wait until we crush capitalism Comrade Sanders."
"Me neither, Becky. Gotta stop all those billionaihs from Inquistah profiting off our damn healthcare."
"Absolutely Comrade. Absolutely."
The two ate nibbles from the spread laid out by Kristian, their genderqueer host. They both grabbed fruit, some cheese and some bread and discussed their next steps in the negotiations. It was a nice enough spread, but it would have been nicer if everyone got a share according to their need.
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Foreign Minister Parly and Admiral Casabianca excused themselves from the table and went off to their area of the room. The aides brought what had been paid for by the government. It was a spread of grapes, fruits, vegetables, hummus, various cheeses, crackers and wine.
"Christ, did she not think of any fucking optics when she picked this for us?" Parly grumbled. Florence had a history of being involved in the armed forces, much like the Prime Minister. However, she would have thought that because they were sisters in arms that they'd pick something a little more humble and lower class than this.
"I think they did that on purpose," the Admiral whispered under his breath. "We are supposed to be showing the Nicolezians what's what with the cheese. Les Vaches Rouges, remember?"
"Ah," Parly sighed. "Well, I guess we're just going to keep bumping heads then."
The government issued phones rang. It was FaceTime. Parly answered as it said La Eagle. She knew who it was. She answered and a smiling Baschet was in the Hotel Matignon looking at them.
"Allo, ca va?" asked Baschet.
"Les vaches rouges sont terribles," commented Parly in an exasperated manner. "It looks like we are just going to yell at the communists some more. Anyway, we need to keep going. It seems like there's movement on refugees but that's it. The Reichs want us to disband our military."
Baschet paused for a moment before she laughed over the phone.
"Oh, you can't be serious. No, that's never happening. If they keep asking for silliness, we should ask for them to pay more and more. If they don't accept, then work with Inquista and the Nicolezians to split the country up at that point," Baschet replied. "We don't have time for this; the bigger issue across La Manche is at hand."
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During the lunch break, Air Marshal Harriet Copala arrived at the conference building in Nyetthem. She quickly made her way to the small room where Bishop Secretary Finsch was eating his lunch and watching all old vine compilations on his phone.
"There will never be an era like 2016 again," Bishop Secretary Finsch sighed as he reminisced.
"Bishop Secretary! Good to see you!" Copala excliamed as she entered the room. The Bishop Secretary nearly dropped his phone and turkey sandwich as he shook in fright.
"Where have you been? I've been waiting on you," Bishop Secretary Finsch commented in exacerbation upon seeing the Air Marshal.
"I was engaged in a dogfight with a communist in Reitzmag and then had to escape from a torture dungeon in Icholasen. It's a long story," Copala smiled as she shook her head. "Anyway. What did I miss?"
"It's been a great time. The Reizic delegate has been smacking his shoe against the table, while this girl named Becky's been slaying the Gallic delegates with her wokeness."
"So has anything been achieved?"
"From what I just told you, does it sound like anything has been achieved?"
"No."
"Exactly. Anyway, you have to come and see this vine. Road work? I sure hope it does!" Bishop Secretary Finsch laughed as he slapped his knee.
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"Alright I would like to invite everyone back to the table now.
From now on I would request no teleconferences for people to join us or switching out delegates please. These will be the final delegates from now on, but I would like to give a very warm welcome to Air Marshal Harriet Copala.
Could we hear the details of your so-called Air Marshal Plan and the potential for it at this conference? I am interested to see if it could be integrated into the peace process at all. "
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PM Johnson rushes to stand up after hearing the Gaulois offer.
PM Johnson: "I agree to the Gaulois deal, but make sure the equipment should be of high quality."Adm. Anderson: "I also would like to emphasize that Inquista may not do the same thing, they shall work on the rebuilding of the entire Reich."
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Foreign Minister Parly: We certainly do not make bad equipment. We will work with you for any customisation we can deliver to you.
Parly seemed to know something about the communists in the room as she decided to take a different approach. Simply don't engage with them at all. So she didn't look at Short-Hailey or at Sanders. She simply looked at the Inquistan delegation or the Admiral next to her. Every now and then she'd look towards Kristian.
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"Certainly... ummm... Mrs. Nylund, is it?" Copala hesitantly asked.
"Mister. It's a mister," Bishop Secretary Finsch muttered under his breath as he pretended to cough.
"Mr. Nylund! I certainly can," Copala quickly recovered.
"Firstly, in order for East Moreland to be properly rebuilt, it will require a political environment that will allow it to prosper and thrive. In order for this to happen, the Air Marshal plan will include the following political terms: East Moreland shall be renamed New Moreland. New Moreland shall be recognized as a special and autonomous Reich within Reitzmag, and it will also be recognized as a holy Reich for Inquistan Orthodox citizens within the country. New Moreland will be governed by a new democratic government, which will be elected on its own terms, but communist parties will be banned.
"Secondly, all displaced persons in New Moreland shall be allowed to relocate to any other Reich within Reitzmag, or attempt to claim refugee status overseas. However, as I understand, there are't that many survivors anyway, and apparently a good many of them are Inquistan Orthodox. All Inquistan Orthodox refugees within New Moreland will not be given refugee status in Inquista, and instead, will be redirected to a camp on New Moreland's Capsian Sea coast. There, the Inquistan Orthodox Church will develop a new city, which will become the capital city of New Moreland and the main focus of the Air Marshal Plan's investments. This city will be called Copala City. All other Inquistan Orthodox citizens across Reitzmag will be encouraged to move to Copala City as New Moreland is being rebuilt. These Inquistan Orthodox emigrants will help resettle and repopulate the Reich, as well as to rebuild it and its economy.
"Inquista is the largest economy in Europe and we are typically known for being economically prudent. However, my government is prepared to spend a significant amount of Church funds into reconstructing New Moreland and makings its economy even greater than before the war. The Inquistan Orthodox Church is willing to spend billions of Inquistos in direct economic stimuli and in direct investments. Copala City will be the main focus of rebuilding New Moreland's economy. Some money will also be spent in rebuilding the rest of the Reich as well, though. Majority of these funds will be focused on rebuilding civil infrastructure, houses, hospitals, schools and a new and environmentally sustainable electrical grid.
"As part of the plan, Inquista shall also provide tax credits to Inquistan investors who invest in or create businesses in New Moreland. Other countries are encouraged to follow suit. Inquista shall also - and this is the signature policy of the Air Marshal Plan - establish the The Air Marshal Copala Grant, which will pay-off all student loans to any European or Reizic citizen who has graduated from university within the last five years and has established a business in New Moreland for more than two years.
"As part of the Air Marshal Plan agreement, Reiztmag will not have to pay Inquista any reparations, and Inquista will withdraw from the country."
