The Wedding of Carlos and Prince Tommy
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Mikaela studied Tommy as he washed his hands nervously, before then moving her gaze to the mirror to look at herself.
"Tommy, you seem more nervous than a Red Croatian woman who lost track of her daily calories. It's going to be ok!" Mikaela reassured him. "It's your special day. This is an important step in your relationship with Carlos, but it's only one step in your already long relationship. Sure, marriage is a big deal, but life afterwards won't be, like, totally different. It'll mostly be the same. You are still you, and Carlos will still be Carlos."
Mikaela gave Tommy a sideways hug from behind, and let out a sigh after she finished embracing him. "Besides, it's too late to have cold feet now. You already put out a mortgage on the Casa Romanov Bar and Grill so that you could afford all the decorations."
"Also, like, I've totally neglected my Instagram for over a week and I really need these cute weddings pictures. My Instagram game needs a boost, and you know people LOVE wedding pictures. As your Maid of Honour, I've been looking forward to this, and I have so many great captions ready. I've been on this Czech diet for weeks to get my body right. I've been eating nothing but polévka s játrovými knedlíčky (liver dumpling soup) for breakfast, lunch and dinner," Mikaela moaned, making this moment of Tommy's internal crisis about herself.
"I want nothing less than to see my sweet Tommyboo married to a great Spanish... Spanish... Spanish man, like Carlos," Mikaela muttered as she held back tears, thinking about her dashed relationship with El Capitan.
-
Johnny von Aquarius
After a long night of manwhoring, Johnny sent his prostitutes home so that he could sleep in peace. He laid there naked, manspread all over his bed, and got his 6 hours of quality sleep (6 because Arnold Schwarznegger said 6 is all you need). After dreaming about having a dick as big as the Eiffel Tower and being able to fuck the whole world, he was woken up by his Tony Robbins motivational speech alarm.
"YOUR THOUGHTS... CREATE YOUR REALITY!
IF YOU WANT TO HAVE A GOOD LIFE, YOU HAVE TO HAVE GOOD THOUGHTS!
THOUGHTS... ARE LIKE LIFTS... AND YOUR BRAIN.... IS LIKE A MUSCLE...
IF YOU WANT TO LIVE A GOOD LIFE, YOU HAVE TO BE STRONG!
SO START YOUR DAY RIGHT. GET UP AND CLAIM YOUR DAY!""YEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH MANNNN!!!" Johnny roared before jumping out of bed, flexing in the mirror and starting his daily affirmations.
"I am an alpha ubermensch.
I deserve pussy and ass.
I am an intelligent manwhore.I am power incarnate.
I have iron calves.
My biceps are growing with my every hand gesture.I am superior.
I am determined.
I am Donald Trump.I am not weak.
I am not a victim.
I am not Maleeka Lisconzinski.I am sexy.
I am invincible.
I am Red Croatia.I am not a loser.
I am not subservient.
I am not Marrakechia."After finishing with his morning routine, Johnny went to his garage and decisively chose one of his 28 available cars. Before starting to drive, he clicked on some mysterious piece of technology that sent commands to his butler. "I'm going for the Rolls Royce today, Ron. Tell Athena and Nichelle to wait for me in the lounge... naked."
When he got to his private jet, he went to the lounge where he had fun with his two most high quality prostitutes. Because he can last for hours in bed, he was entertained for 4 of the 5 hours it took to fly from Red Croatia to Ibiza. "Ok ladies, it's time for you to get a good life story out of this." He gave Athena and Nichelle parachutes and some clothes before physically throwing them out of the plane and then went to the pilot. "It's my turn now." Johnny took control over the airplane and showed the professionally trained pilot how it's got. Due to his incredible manly competence, he cut the one hour left it would take to get to Ibiza into 5 minutes. "That's how it's done, loser." He told the pilot before giving him a wedgie. "Ha, can't believe I have to pay such wimps."
After getting out of the plane, he went over to the nearest road and stopped the traffic, GTA: San Andreas style. The guy that was driving the car that just stopped in front of his started cussing him out, but Johnny just casually walked over to his ride, opened his door, grabbed him and threw him out. "Sorry mi muchacho, I have somewheros to beos. It's your lucky dios, I won't run your glateus maximus over." He showed him a middle finger before driving over to wherever the fuck Carlos was.
The moment he entered the room, he shook hands with every man and started yelling at the women. "Oy, chiquititas, get your asses out of here. This is area for the boys. The groomsmen need to get ready. Come on, Paloma. Come on, Taylor. Come on, come on, you can write a hit song about this, just move it bitches." After throwing them out like they were an innocent driver or a high quality prostitute, he went over to give Carlos a big hug. Even though Johnny wasn't as big as Carlos (who was?), he overpowered the fat boi. "Carlitooos! My man!!! It's your big day! How are you feeling?"
-
Paloma refused to leave.
"Listen, buddy. I am the Minister of Eurovoice. You do NOT tell me what to do. Me and all my Eurovoice colleagues, except Taylor, will stay in here. I am not smoking what you're smoking. Do not fucking tell me what to do, bitch."
Tommy hugged Mikaela back, and they both were holding back tears.
"I know what will help us," Tommy declared, "more champagne !"
They left the bathroom, and Anastasia poured everyone a glass of champagne - not prosecco. The Romanovs believed prosecco to be the lowest of the low of alcoholic beveraginos.
Tommy texted Mikaela, saying it was all going to be okay and the wedding was going ahead.
-
Johnny von Aquarius
"Oh, a feisty woman? Yeah, I haven't dealt with this... living in FUCKING RED CROATIA." He eyerolled before starting to reason with her, the only way he knew how to with a woman. "Look here sweetie, if you walk away from here I am going to tell Queen Irene to post you on her Instagram story with the caption 'Love this song, what a bop xoxo' and save your flop career. Ok?"
-
Mikaela sipped from her champagne as she walked around the room, enjoying the cool air conditioning before she'd soon be out in the afternoon sun. She was glad to see Tommy ease into a better headspace. She gently put her hand on his shoulder and smiled, before then walking over to Anastasia.
"I'm so excited! Finally, a proper wedding," Mikaela said before finishing off her champagne. "I can't believe that kid didn't even hold a proper one for you... that was the first real first red flag... well and the fact he looked like an actor from a 4-part film trilogy adapted from a young adult novel," Mikalea commented, referencing Queen Anastasia's latest marriage which came to an end.
"I know you did what you had to for your country, and we all thank you for your service, but please promise me you'll never marry a man who doesn't spend at least half his fortune on your wedding?"
Mikaela lowered her eyes and wrapped her arm around Anastasia. "I hope you're doing ok after that whole ordeal. I know he didn't mean anything to you to begin with, and it was all just business, but still, it couldn't have been a comfortable sacrifice. I know marrying for love isn't always a royal's destiny, but you do deserve someone special. Just like Tommy. Isn't this beautiful?" Mikaela smiled.
Even though this was Tommy's wedding day, Mikaela wasted no time to ensure that the next one wouldn't be too far away. "Oh, I know JUST the guy for you. Have you ever met my pilot Jimin? Anyway, he knows someone, this guy called J-Hope, and I invited him to the wedding. I totally think you two should talk. He used to be called Henri Jonetta, but while on holiday in Reitzmag he accidentally got Asianized, and now he's called Jung Hoseok, but he insists that you call him J-Hope. Transracial icon. Don't worry, his Asianization surgery was so great, you can barely tell he used to be white. I think his surgeon is the one that did Bishop Lallana's work."
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Big Hit Entertainment (now HYBE) Headquarters, Reitzmag
CEO (Bang Si-Hyeok) 방시혁: "Yes, ok...yeah yeah, I'll tell the boys later...alright, thanks."
PD (Park Jiwoon) 팍지원: "방시혁씨, 너 누구 랑 얘기 했니? (Mr. Bang, who were you talking to?)"
CEO (Bang Si-Hyeok) 방시혁: "It was a client, they requested to send the boys to a wedding in Ibiza right now. But Jimin and J-Hope's not in the Penthouse, they said they were invited to some party."
PD (Park Jiwoon) 팍지원: "So, how are we going to send them there? They can't be missing even a single member."
CEO (Bang Si-Hyeok) 방시혁: "Maybe the boys know where they went, I'll call them so they could tell Jimin and J-Hope to come back."
Bangtan Boys Apartment, Reitzmag
Phone rings
RM: (answer's phone) "여보세요? (Hello?)...Oh, Mr. Bang...Jimin and J-Hope are not yet here, they said they were going to somewhere in Ibiza...like now?...alright I'll tell them, thanks boss."
Jungkook: "여, 누구야? ( Hey, who is it?)"
RM: "CEO Bang, he's sending us to Ibiza and I think Jimin and J-Hope are also there."
V: "What will we do on Ibiza, a free vacation?"
RM: "He said we could spend some time there after what we'll do. But the main thing is we're performing for a wedding."
Suga: "Mr. Bang just texted me, he said we already have our visas and plane tickets ready. We have to go to the airport quickly."
--10 Minutes Later--
Victoria City International Airport, Reitzmag
Fans gather as 4 of the BTS Members enter the airport on their 2-hour flight to Ibiza. The boyband with their iconic airport-look proceeded to the gate after a lot of security checks at the airport. There, they boarded the plane that would take them on a 2-hour flight to Ibiza.
--2 Hours Later--
Ibiza, Spain
The plane landed and fans start to wait at the arrivals area for a surprise visit from their idols. After a few more security checks, they appeared and went straight for the car that will take them to the wedding place. When they arrived, Jimin and J-Hope were really there.
RM: "Eyy wazzup 형 (Hyung/older brother)...didn't know you're also here."
Jimin: "Well, we were here when Mr. Bang called me. So that's great, at least we're actually going to end up at the same place." -
"My career is not limited to music. But, my new album Infinite Things (2020) has been a great success, I do not need that. I kill flops - I murder them. You, are a flop. So get out of my way and let me chill on MY ...I mean CARLOS' day."
"Yeah it's great for Tommy. I'm so glad he has shaken his drug habit. And, yeah I am fine personally, but my heart weeps for my dispersed and ethnically cleansed people. And not even cleansed in a good way, like a lemon bath, in a bad way, like bleaching your..." Mikaela then mentioned Jimin. "Why, no I haven't. Does he have any songs about dairy produce ? If so, that may be a deal breaker for me, as someone who is strongly against the dairy industry."
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Johnny von Aquarius
Johnny was so fucking annoyed dealing with this bitch. He needed to be resourceful. He pointed at the open gates and shouted. "Oh look, Cher is announcing that she's touring with the Mamma Mia 2 soundtrack at the building next door!"
"Oh my God, really???" Paloma screamed and ran, this time voluntarily leaving. But an unexpected twist happened, Carlos started running too. "Ah shit, I forgot this is a gay wedding." Thankfully, Carlos ran at the speed of 0,34km/h, so Johnny caught him and thought of a more elaborate lie. "Oh, my bad, she's actually gonna announce that next week. But keep the information top secret. Now, tell me how do you feel about getting married?"
-
Carlos panted heavily, but said, "I'm so pumped, I'm so glad I came close enough to winning Eurovoice to get the Pesos I needed to get such a fine piece of ass as a husband."
-
Johnny was thrilled to see Carlos talking like an immature 13 year old boy in a locker room. Seeing him describe the love of his life as a fine piece of ass earned Johnny's respect. "Maybe these faggots aren't that bad." he thought.
"Ah, you got it going on then! You made your own money, and now you can get your boi to make sure you're taken care of. Are you gonna keep on working or will you help Tommy spend tax payer money for the rest of your life?"
-
"I will always consider reprising at Eurovoice, but that is totally down to Paloma. It is an autocracy at the Ministry of Eurovoice.... Not... that I have a problem with that." Carlos said, remembering he was probably being listened to. "I live to serve the Ministry."
-
"You know, I'm really glad that you're going to keep on making good music. The world needs more good, manly, strong songs! Which reminds me... why are you going to let all of those little pussy boys perform at your wedding? A strong, powerful man like you should have somebody better entertaining him at his own wedding than a bunch of fake Asian ladyboys. Maybe we should get them to fly back home and get a real entertainer like Eminem on stage, eh?"
-
"Yeah but I love those ladyboys, they're iconic. Eminem is for people with very small packages." Carlos looked down. "And mine is huge, so I just don't like him. Sorry !"
-
Johnny eyerolled. "I'm so fucking sick of not being able to beat people up. Thankfully, I grew up in the nation of passive agressive behavior. I know exactly how to play it."
"You know what, you're right. Eminem sucks and has a small dick! I've seen it personally. No homo!" He laughed and wrapped his arm around Carlos. "You know what, let me help you prep those lady boys for the big show! Let's go meet them backstage."
Carlos and Johnny went to the backstage where BTS was told to be at, which looked more like a male locker room. It smelled like sweat, chocolate scented AXE, hair gel, and had only one shower without a curtain. "Hello lady boys! Uhhh... I mean, hello boys! Me and the big boss are over here to make you uncomfortabl- help you prepare for your show! Since you've just landed from your flight, I think the first thing you should do is shower. Me and Carlos should get clean, too."
-
The boys were just preparing for their performance backstage when Carlos and Johnny came to see them.RM: "Oh hey there Sir Carlos, yeah we're preparing for the performance. Congratulations for your wedding. No need for us to take some shower for now, since we already took our shower before our flight."
Meanwhile, V and Jimin were near the door when V notices something wrong after Carlos and Johnny entered the room.
V: (sniffs around) "What in the world is that smell? Smells like european armpits."
Jimin: (whispering) "I think it's them, everyone knows we don't smell bad even if we sweat."While the two discuss, the others prepare for the performance at another part of the room. Jungkook and Suga were practicing the choreography for their latest song "Butter". Jin on the other hand is practicing the choreography for the song "Dynamite".
-
"Oh... oh no!" Mikaela panicked. How could she have been so naïve as to set up her Nicoelizian bezzie with someone who recently released a song titled after dairy produce? The scandal this would cause back in Icholasen would be unimaginable. Mikaela could imagine the tabloid headlines already: "DESPERATE Queen Anastasia turns to DAIRY to COPE in REBOUND RELATIONSHIP".
Mikaela took out her phone and began to frantically study the lyrics to the song Butter. After a few seconds, Mikaela lifted up her eyes from her phone and attempted to jumble up an answer. "I mean, he has a song about butter, but, like, uhh, there are so many types of butter alternatives these days. Like coconut butter, you know? There are so many dairy alternatives, and not everything is as it seems. Take J-Hope himself, one day he's a white Inquistan, and the next day he's an Asian. See, you can even turn to alternative races. I mean, we already knew that through Ariana Grande, but still. Luckily, I don't think his song specifies any specific type of butter. I heard that a lot of people who undergo Asianization procedures often develop lactose intolerance, so maybe he's on the same page? Like dairy? Yuck!"
Mikaela smiled and raised her eyebrows, hoping she did enough to salvage the idea to Anastasia, although things probably weren't looking good. Mikaela's phone then began to beep. It was an alarm signaling that the wedding was to begin soon, and that she needed to go to the larger waiting room before heading outside. Mikaela wished Tommy well and the best of luck, planted a kiss on his cheek, before then grabbing Anastasia by her hand and walking alongside her to the larger waiting area.
Inside the room, Mikaela was excited to see BTS as well as her pilot Jimin chilling around. Mikaela smiled and waved at all the boys, before pointing at J-Hope and nudging Anastasia. After further scanning the room, Mikaela spotted Johnny. Mikaela squealed on the inside and grabbed Anastasia's hand very tightly. She began to whisper softly.
"Ani, don't look, but look, that guy over there? Yeah, him, I know him. Not for the right reasons. O-M-G, this is so awks. What's he doing here? I can't believe this."
Mikaela shook her head and took a deep breath before continuing. "Ok, so you know after Juan-Bernardo cheated on me, I was in a dark place, yeah? Well I didn't know what to do, so I was considering getting one of those mail-order brides from Ruthend, but I decided against it, and I instead took Bishop Lallana's advice and I went on this dating site called Comrades Only. It was terrible, the people were very mean. These guys kept asking me me if I read any theory, and so I told them about all the blog posts that I've read that discuss the theories about Avril Lavinge being replaced by her body-double Amanda. They didn't like this kind of theory at all, and they told me that 'it wasn't praxis'. Very rude. So much for the tolerant left. Anyway, so I decided to try Christian Mingle instead, and I came across him.
"Girl, I don't even know where to begin. He asked me what kind of Christian I was, and I told him Orthodox, and he was like, 'is that your the fighting style? All my favourites fight Orthodox', and he kept on going about this thing called MMA for like 45 minutes. I didn't even know what MMA was, so I had to google it. Google told me it was management, accounting and analysis, so I thought he was going on about business stuff, but it turns out it's mixed martial arts. Can you believe? I don't like fighting, except Boxing Day, but that's because there are so many great sales. After listening to him go on and on, and only ever talk about himself, you know what he does? He ghosted me."
Mikaela let go of Anastasia and walked over to V and immediately began to laugh very loudly, as to draw Johnny's attention. V was taken aback and muttered something in Korean, to which Mikaela responded by laughing even more loudly. Mikaela's laughter managed to sound very genuine, as she had a lot of practice laughing at whatever Juan-Bernardo had to say, despite not understanding a single word through his Spanish accent. Mikaela then pulled V to her side, and strutted with him over to Carlos and Johnny.
"Carlos! I'm so happy and excited for you. This is going to be a great ceremony. No spoilers, but your man looks very handsome! Can't wait to see you guys together at the alter!" Mikaela beamed, before then turning her head to Johnny.
"Oh, you look... familiar? Have we met before? Hi, I'm Archbishop Mikaela Kligenberg, and this is my, uhh... boyfriend, V. Yes, yes, my boyfriend, V."
-
V was shocked after hearing this. The company is strict about dating and he didn't know what to do. Although the conversation was private, he was quite worried that someone may record it and publish the video. He had two choices, either he talks to Mikaela privately about what happened or he tries to escape by saying that they'll be heading for a practice. Surprisingly, he took the risk and whispered something to Mikaela.
"Umm...Ms Kilgenberg, can we please talk privately for a moment."
Meanwhile, the other members practice for their performance. RM noticed that V was still not there and wondered where he went. He knew that Anastasia took V while they were on their way to the practice. After a few moments, excused himself for a moment from the practice to look for V as it was almost time. The remaining members proceeded to practice.
-
Mikaela giggled as V whispered to her, pretending he was saying something cheeky. Mikaela batted her eyes before announcing, "Oh, you flirt! Ok, Carlos, we'll be right back, my BOYFRIEND just cannot get enough of me."
Mikaela walked with V to the corner of the room, and then began speaking to him a hushed tone. "Ok, look, I know I'm putting you on the spot, but I need a favour. You see that man over there with Carlos? Well, he's called Johnny, and he ghosted me on Christian Mingle. Now I'm in an awkward predicament seeing him here. I can't have him think that I'm still single. So I need you to pretend to be my boyfriend. We're not actually dating, but you need to pretend that we are. Think of this as an acting opportunity. You were so great in Hwarang: The Poet Warrior Youth, I'm sure you can pull this off. Your objective is to make him as jealous as possible. Can you do that for me, pretty please?"
Mikaela smiled, and before letting V answer, let out another hysterical laugh to regain Johnny's attention. Mikaela tugged on V's shirt, pulled him along and paraded back to Carlos and Johnny. "Ah, where were we? We were getting acquainted, right?"
-
V was unprepared for the situation. But surely, he's ready for acting anytime.
"Ok Ms. Kligenberg, but I'm worried this might cause a scandal if anyone hears and misunderstands this. I might lose my job if that happens, so please be careful. And don't worry, I think I know some people you could actually date with if you want."He went back to Carlos and Johnny with Mikaela with his great acting skills. Like a Hwarang, his charisma was just very different at that moment.
-
Johnny was fucking annoyed yet again. "Ugh, why can't I just beat everyone I don't like up. For the love of Sylvester Stallone!" His plan to make the BTS ladyboys uncomfortable wasn't as successful as he wanted it to be, but he wasn't going to give up. "I just need to find a way to get them out of here without being persecuted for mass murder... again."
When Johnny saw Mikaela, he was inwardly shocked. "Ah, that bitch from Christian Mingle that said she only goes to second base on the first date. A time waster. What the fuck is she doing here?" But in spite of his inward shock and disdain, he showed no emotion outwardly. Like a real man.
"Oh, so she's an Archbishop, eh? You know, when Aleksandra got pregnant with Archbishop Craticus, she lost her position as a Queen. But I feel that things will have a very different ending if I knock up a woman Archbishop. I think it's time to continue the long standing tradition of Red Croatians getting head from Inquistan religious figureheads. Mwahahaha!"
Without hesitation, Johnny came over to Mikaela and seductively grabbed her. "Mikaela, my dearest! I have been looking for you for so long! Ever since I saw your picture on Christian Mingle, I had this feeling that you were the right woman for me, but I was scared! Petrified, even! I was so immature and scared of love, but I won't let it happen again! I went to therapy, paid Shallon Lester 40 dollars for a question about you, read all of your Ambitious Babe Inc. posts, and researched my toxic male psychology with the help of Cosmopolitan! Please, my love, give me a second chanc,e, I will never break your heart again!"
