Operation Parvacoles
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Moments before Copala's aircraft was struck by Katya's missiles, Copala ejected herself from her cockpit and parachuted into the sky. Copala's aircraft instantaneously exploded just as it was struck by the incoming missiles. The Air Marshal was dazed and confused as she flung out into the sky. Copala noticed Katya's aircraft exploding in the corner of her eye as she whirled in the air and attempted to stabilize her parachute. Copala went spiraling down, just as her approval ratings once did after the late General Tulsi called her an incompetent military leader.
The Air Marshal crash landed into ground. A few seconds passed as Copala laid lifeless between the rubble of a destroyed village, with her parachute covering her entire body. Copala then managed to get up on her feet and she lifted her parachute off herself. She then turned and spun around, catching a glimpse of the debris around her. Copala couldn't help but think how future Reizic War Grant recipients could start businesses that operate in disadvantaged communities like these for at least three years could really make a positive impact in terms of reconstruction. At the very least, those recipients would deserve having their student loans cancelled. Alas, that was a thought for another day, perhaps when she discusses an Air Marshal plan for rebuilding Reitzmag.
Copala noticed one sole building standing in the far distance: an Orthodox church. The building appeared to be the only building that remained in tact in the destroyed village. The church was at least 200 metres away, but Copala decided it could be her only refuge. Just as she began taking a few steps in the church's direction, Copala realised she couldn't walk properly. Copala was limping and felt severe pain in her right leg. Tears welled in her eyes. "C'mon Copala, you're stronger than this," she told herself, with inspiration and passion in her voice. "Remember the girl who overcame all the odds very single day to get where she was? I was that girl."
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Katya had been in the Church for around ten minutes and had washed her hands and wounds in the baptism fountain. She sat down on one of the pews and wrapped a cut with some Church flyers. "I wonder if that bake sale is still happening today, I could go for a cookie right now..." She looked out out at the barren wasteland of rubble and sand outside the open door. "I guess not." She could see something in the distance though. Was it a camel? She thought it must be some poor, sad animal that opposes criminal justice reform. She thought nothing of it and continued trying to fix her frail human form.
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Copala slowly limped her way over to the Orthodox church. As she began to near the church, she noticed some ruffling in the debris of a destroyed home to her front-left side. A few seconds later, a lady suddenly emerged from the debris and began calling for help. The Air Marshal turned her heels and quickly hobbled her way over to the distressed woman who was calling out for her.
"Ma'am, don't panic! You're safe!" Copala responded as she was nearing the woman.
"Help! Please help me find my daughter!" the woman called out.
Suddenly, a little girl poked her head out from under the rubble, coughing and crying.
Copala immediately rushed over to the little girl and assisted her in climbing out of the rubble. The Air Marshal smiled, knelt down and hugged the little girl as she pulled her out. She then softly brushed the little girl's cheek in attempt to calm her down. "Don't worry, you're safe" Copala assured her. Copala's smile then suddenly dropped. "Baby girl, why aren't you in school right now?"
"Please help us, our village has been destroyed!" the mother yelped from behind the Air Marshal. Copala let go of the girl and then stood up and turned to the face the mother.
"Your little one should be in school right now," Copala scolded.
"Our school has been destroyed! Please help us!" the mother cried.
"Studies have consistently demonstrated that a childhood education is the most important factor in the healthy development of a child. As a child's school attendance increases, so will their learning outcomes, which includes increased academic performance and social development. Future academic opportunities, as well as future opportunities in the workforce, depend on school attendance. School truancy is a form of neglect and abuse by parents," Copala warned.
"It's not even a school day today. It's the weekend" the mother continued to cry.
Copala limped towards the mother and grabbed her by the neck, and with a swift movement of her hands, snapped the neck of the mother. Copala tossed the lifeless corpse of the mother to the side and focused back on the Orthodox church. Suddenly, after executing an innocent mother for school truancy, Copala felt all life return to her. The pain in Copala's damaged leg quickly subsided and it became fully healed.
The Air Marshal marched towards the Orthodox church in a swift hurry. When she entered the church, she noticed someone sitting in the pews, but she didn't take much notice. Instead, Copala marched straight to the alter and got down on her knees and began to pray her version of the Lord's Prayer.
"Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name; thy kingdom come; thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who smoke marijuana; and lead us not into temptation of a gateway drug, but deliver us from the devil's lettuce. Amen."
Copala got up from her knees and turned around. The Air Marshal's body suddenly returned to high alert as she noticed Katya sitting in the pews, quietly observing her.
"Ah, the Bright Red Scare with Long Blonde Hair is still alive. Looking like a squashing hot mess in a skin tight dress, as always," Copala huffed.
Copala raised her fists into a fighting position. "The time has come... to fight... for your LIFE."
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Katya saw Copala walk into the Church but had done nothing, just stared. She was completely and utterly dumbfounded. "How did that bitch survive all those missiles...?" She thought to herself. Katya imagined that maybe Copala had killed a mother who hadn't been sending her child to school and regained her strength through some kind of witchcraft magic. But no matter how hard she thought, the time had come to act. Katya grabbed one of the full size candelabras that stood next to the pews and wielded it with her two hands spread across it. "Copala... the time has come... for you to die." Suddenly, the Church's intercom began to play Twist of Fate by Olivia Newton-John and the lights faded... This would be THE showdown of the war between Inquista and Icholasen. Katya suddenly leaped towards Copala and let out a howl of war.
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Copala threw the first punch at Katya, which landed directly between her eyes. Katya took the first punch like a [biological wo]man and began fighting back. Copala evaded several of Katya's punches, but wasn't ready for Katya's infamous left leg kick, which just about knocked her down. After recomposing herself, Copala then grabbed Katya by the hair and began to pull, yanking off Katya's wig and revealing another wig underneath. Copala threw the wig up into the air and it got caught in the church's rafters. Copala performed a back handspring away from Katya and landed into a splits. With much skill and flexibility, Copala slowly rose from her splits position back onto both of her feet without moving her upper body.
"Is that all you got?" Copala taunted.
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Katya grabbed the candelabra that Copala retconned out of existence and went down into splits and moved closer to Copala still down on the floor. The grates on the church floor meant that she could edge along in almost a clockwork fashion. Katya leaped up and whacked Copala on the side with the candelabra. Copala barely flinched, she was so in the zone that Katya thought she must be truanting or must have weed on her. It seemed not, Copala's hatred of communists must've been fuelling her.
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After being bludgeoned several times by Katya's candelabra, Copala's head began to ache very severely. Normally, Copala's head doesn't receive any complaints, but she was feeling the hurt this time. Copala's hatred for communism managed to sustain her, but she knew she couldn't keep going on like this. Copala put two fingers to her mouth and then whistled.
Suddenly, Loca by Shakira started playing. El General swung from the rope of the church bell into the middle of the fight. Copala tapped El General's hand and took a break from the fight. El General grabbed the candelabra from Katya's hand and threw it to the side. "Ayyy mamacita, normally I do not fight senoritas, but you are no real mujer." El General grabbed Katya with both of his arms and then slammed her to the ground.
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Katya peeled herself off the ground prepared to fight both these capitalist pigs, but she knew that being outnumbered 2 to 1 was not sustainable. She pressed a button on her communicator and after around 10 minutes of fighting, Piane Daggot landed a Mi-17 Helicopter outside the Church and entered wielding a weaponised abacus and joined the fight. Piane took on El Capitan, bashing him in the face with an abacus while Katya continued to bludgeon Copala.
"Take that, and that" Katya yelled "and THAT is for trying to continue the status quo!"
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Copala winced and nearly fell to the ground as Katya brutalized her. "The people want results, not a revolution!" Copala shouted. After taking a few attacks to her face, Copala managed to duck and roll away from Katya's reach. Copala then sprinited at full speed towards Katya and tackled her to ground. Copala ripped Katya's wig off and then began taking swings to her face.
El General was perhaps the strongest man in all of Inquista, but even he was evenly matched by Piane Daggot, who was renowned for her sharp body as well as her sharp mind. As Piane attacked him with her weaponized abacus, he knew he needed back up. El General activated his HEATHERS signal while he continued to fight for his life.
A few minutes later, Barbie Girl by Aqua suddenly started to play.
"Ayyy, finally, here comes the heavy cavalry!" El General rejoiced while still being entangled in a death match with Piane.
Tracy Martel came speeding into the church on her miniature pink jeep, and began to drive circles around El General and Piane, smacking Piane with her scepter.
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Communist Taylor Swift's SU-57 plane she was piloting above Reitzmag unloaded all her missiles on a Reitzmag navy ship, and then landed just outside the Church. Communist Taylor Swift then jumped onto Tracy Martel's jeep and started to attack her, ripping off one of her fake eyelashes, leaving 24 left in its place. Martel kept driving the jeep despite being attacked, veering around and jumping over rubble ramps. Piane used this distraction to whack El Capitan over the head with her weaponised abacus. Meanwhile, Katya and Copala continued fighting. Katya, growing weary of battle called in yet another person. Who would it be?
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Tracy Martel lost control of her ability to steer the pink jeep as Taylor Swift ripped one of her eyelashes off. Tracy and Taylor went flying as they went over the ramps and swerved around the church. Eventually, the pink jeep began to skid and crashed into the wall. The miniature jeep exploded into flames as it collided with the wall, and Tracy and Taylor were shot into the air.
El General sustained several blows to his head. He simply laughed and shrugged the attacks off without flinching. "You think there's anything in there?" El General laughed as he nonchalantly turned his head from side to side. El General then performed a back flip and kicked Piane and her abacus as he launched himself backward.
As Copala struggled with Katya, her HEATHERS signal went off, notifying even more help was on its way.
Bradley Costa, the Archbishop's Chief Assistant, rolled into the church and then jumped back onto his feet. Bradley pulled a leather-bound schedule from his jacket and began to study it intently before turning his gaze to the battle before him. "According to my schedule, it looks like it's time for battle," he smirked. "Unleash... my crocodiles!"
A small stampede of about 6 crocodiles then came stumbling through the front door and began rushing over to attack the Nicoleizians. The crocodiles were outfitted in bulletproof vests and had tiny army helmets strapped to her heads. The croc war anthem then began to play.
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Katya's reinforcements came in the form of Ginger Minj. Ginger took a hammer and started beating the crocs and Katya tried to help but the crocodiles were proving too much for the bright red scare with the long blonde hair. The two fought valiantly against the 4 crocs. Piane was isolated in a corner of the Church being attacked by 2 crocodiles, she beat them off with her abacus but they were proving too strong. Taylor landed on Tracy and tried to keep her pinned down but to no avail. Tracy stood up and they started taking slow slogs at each others' faces until a crocodile came and bit Taylor's leg. "Hey, those are insured!" She screamed.
A pink chopper flew over the East Moreland sky with Paloma Faith, Mary Lambert, Kacey Musgraves and Carlos all inside. "Do you remember your orders?" Paloma said. "No? I hate all three of you so much. So much. We attack both the groups at once. One are communist menaces, ready to destroy our Eurovoice chances, the others are Inquistans who are also trying to stop us winning Eurovoice. Both of Icholasen and Inquista are now considered rogue terrorist states by the Ministry of Eurovoice."
"But Paloma," Kacey Musgraves said in her Southern (Nicoleizian) drawl, "I see ... crocodiles in that them there church. You know I'm scared of those green reptiles."
"All the more reason for you to take a katana and go and slash them to pieces. Kapish?"
"Ayyyyy dios mios..." Carlos said as the helicopter landed.
The partisans of the Ministry of Eurovoice headed towards the Church and entered the door.
"Inquista... 0 points" Paloma said, unsheathing her E for Eurovoice shaped katana and ran towards Bradley Costa. Carlos, remembering his orders headed for El Capitan, Mary Lambert headed for Copala and Kacey Musgraves headed for Piane and the crocs surrounding her.
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Bradley jumped backwards and dodged Paloma's e-shaped katana. Bradley pulled a sharp pen from his suit jacket pocket and threw it directly into Paloma's chest. He then pulled several paper clips from his other pocket and threw them into Paloma's eyes, temporarily blinding her. While Paloma was blinded and had a pen sticking out of her chest, Bradley tossed his leather schedule at her. Bradley then turned around and sprinted out of the church, making an escape.
El General and Carlos clashed in an epic showdown between Europe's two biggest zaddies. Despite being a 230lb machine of pure muscle mass, El General struggled with Carlos' infamous sucker punch, the Big Bisous. Smacked right in the mouth, El General stumbled backwards and fell unconscious.
Tracy Martel let out prolonged scream-laugh as she witnessed a crocodile bite Taylor's leg. The shrill noise of Tracy's laugh further distressed the crocodile, which became even more enraged. The enraged crocodile then ferociously tore off Taylor's entire leg. Tracy reached into her wig and pulled out a pair of pink, bejeweled and glittered nunchucks and then began to beat Taylor with them.
Copala dove into Mary Lambert and wrestled her to the ground. Copala and Mary rolled and tumbled across the church floor until, finally, Mary managed to pin Copala to the ground and sat on her. "Someone get Icholasen's most irrelevant EuroVoice artist off of me!" Copala yelled in pain, as Mary's mass began to crush Copala's bones. "Get this oaf off of me!" Copala continued to yell, before giving up and accepting her defeat. "Fine, fine! Gay rights! Gay rights! I said gay rights, now get off of me!"
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With El General and Copala tied down, Paloma called for a cease fire and the Inquistans and communists agreed. Taylor, legless and making the most of the time left before it was all over, whacked Tracey Martel unconscious with a Bible. A helicopter landed and took Copala, Katya, El General, Tracey Martel, and Communist Taylor Swift back to Icholasen via Pravoslaviya. Ginger Minj escaped into the scorching desert.
Paloma and Carlos remained on the ground until the next helicopter was able to arrive.
"Where is Ginger?" Paloma asked Carlos.
"Ayy dios mios, she must have escaped. Es un escandalo!"
"She won't get far - there's no food or supplies for miles..."
A SECRET LOCATION, DEEP IN ICHOLASEN
El General, Piane, Katya, Copala, Legless Communist Taylor Swift, and Tracy Martel were sat in a circle facing away from each other. They were handcuffed with pillowcases over their eyes.
"H-Hola?" El Capitan said.
"Shut up you capitalist" Legless communist Taylor Swift retorted.
It was a tense silence in the room as it was clear everyone had come to, but still had animosity surrounding the whole deathmatch they had been fighting just hours earlier.
"What do you think they'll do to us" Legless Communist Taylor Swift said, nudging who she believed was Katya, but was actually Copala.
"Shut up Legless Communist Taylor Swift" Katya said, knowing that it was her she was addressing.
Suddenly, a voice came over the intercom. "I want to play a game." It was Paloma Faith. "One by one, you will submit to these games to fight for your freedom. One of you might be allowed to leave, but, the reason you're being allowed out isn't because we think you're worthy. You're all disgusting human beings. Our reason is for you to spread the word that you do not fuck with the Ministry of Eurovoice." Paloma took a drink of her detox water, with cucumbers and lemons. It's important to look after one's health! "Ladies and Himbos, your first challenge will be in the next room. There'll be a tank of water, in which are 6 chests. 3 of the chests are duds, but 3 have a key to the next room. The keys will only work for 15 seconds, and after you use the key the doors will shut permanently. You can either work together, or not, to find the key you need. Good luck, and don't let the sharks bite!"
Unbeknownst to Paloma, the microphone was still broadcasting into the cell when Carlos said "ayyy, dios mios, Señora Faith, do you not think this is a bit cruel?"
"Of course not, do you not know what Legless Communist Taylor Swift has done to me? The stress alone has made me break out. Do you know how expensive Clearasil is on the black market?"
Suddenly, the shackles were released from the prisoners and they were allowed to freely discuss.
Katya whispered to Legless Communist Taylor Swift that she would swim down and retrieve the key, while Taylor guarded the surface. The two took this plan into action. Katya swam down, kicking one of the sharks in the mouth and avoiding the other fish to look inside one chest. It was empty. Katya rushed back up to the surface to catch a breath, and then went back down again, kicking another shark. Katya opened one chest and finally found a key. She swam to the surface and opened a door allowing her and Legless Communist Taylor Swift into the next room.
Piane bided her time before getting into the pool. She gambled one of the Inquistans would fuck up and allow her to swim down with less competition. Time would tell if this tactic would pay off.
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"Not to worry señorita, I can get us a key," El General whispered to Copala as their chains were unshackled.
"Oh please, I've handled my fair share of sharks," Copala retorted as she immediately dove into the water. Copala punched and kicked several sharks before reaching a chest. Copala opened the chest and was fortunate enough to find a key within in it. Copala quickly returned to the surface and then used the key to escape to the next room.
El General was an experienced diver, having grown up on Ibiza, so diving into the water and holding his breath was no challenge to him. He was also a freakish physical beast, so he was able to use his strength to successfully wrestle the sharks and ward them off with brute force. Despite this, El General seemed to lack luck. He managed to reach a chest at the bottom of the water and hurriedly open it. It was empty. El General then swam over to the other end of the water to reach another chest. It was also empty. He spun around in the water. All the chests were already open.
El General returned to the surface when he suddenly noticed Tracy Martel, in a pink bikini, gleefully skipping to the exit door with a key. El General stuck his hand back into the water, grabbed a shark, and tossed it at Tracy as she skipped towards the door. The shark went flying and knocked Tracy down. El General sprinted toward Tracy and put her in a headlock. He managed to get the key off Tracy, but not before she grabbed his leg and began begging him to bring her along. "Please! We can work together!" Tracy pleaded.
He shook his leg free from Tracy's grasp. "You are no Valentina," El General scoffed as he then turned around and then ran to the door, using the key to get inside.
-
The Red Army bazooka'ed the door to the secret complex and stormed in. They found the Inquistans and the communists locked in a room, with, unfortunately, Tracy Martel lying dead. The Inquistan group was terrified seeing the communist coat of arms on the ushankas of the soldiers, they knew that they would surely be killed. But, since there was a new marriage of convenience formed between Inquista and Communist Icholasen, the Inquistans were allowed to safely return to their native land -- flown there in a Nicoleizian transport plane. The communists too returned to their functions in Cesae Vauvra. Piane Daggot, Air Marshall Katya and Communist Legless Taylor Swift all returned to their posts.
Paloma Faith, Carlos and Mary Lambert were in the control room of the secret torture dungeon, but they could no longer see due to all the dust coming from the collapsed side of the building where the rocket hit. Paloma, panicked, starting shouting in the general direction of Carlos "you've fucked it for all of us, I know you've been texting Prince Tommy... they tracked the signal, Goddamnit!! You oaf!!!"
Despite this confrontation, they managed to run out into the forest via a secret exit pipe where they encountered Lieutenant Commander Mark François Driving Miss Crumplebottom in a militarised Range Rover Evoque. Mark immediately noticed the Ministry of Eurovoice gang walking along the highway, using the eagle-eyed military perceptiveness that one can only learn as a Territorial Army Caterer. He slowed down and offered to pick them up and they drove to the Rebels' ski chalet deep in the Portland mountains, evading communist detection across all of Icholasen.
