The Red Quinceañera
-
"Well I never." Tommy said. "You never told me you had a child."
"Why joo lie? Yes I did." Carlos said in his Spanish accent.
"First of all, it's April, not July." Tommy said. "And you never told me!"
"Okay maybe I didn't tell joo, Tommy, mi amor, I never found the right opportunity."
"It's okay. There's something I've never told you, too. Me and Angela Merkel had an affair. It didn't mean anything though. She's just so attractive that even though I'm the most solid 6 on the Kinsey scale that professor Kinsey had ever seen, she seduced me."
The two looked over at Angela Merkel twerking on Froilain. Carlos remarked at the beauty of Angela Merkel and thought to himself "I'm no match for that saucy goddess..." Carlos paused and then spoke. "I think we need to - I think we need to have some time apart to reflect on where we want to go."
"I want to get married, Carlos." Tommy said. "You know I'm a player batchelor stud who did cocaine so many times in 2014 I barely remember what happened. Did Anastasia give birth to triplets on a table that year, or was that just the cocaine?" But anyway as much as I'm a player and a bachelor, I want to settle down with you here in Ibiza. We can bring the whole Romanov clan together once and for all. No constraints of duties and titles. We can be a family here."
"I don't know." Said Carlos.
Queen Anastasia grabbed her 7th kombucha from the mini-fridge. She was more plastered than the Archbishop's palace when it gets redecorated by the next occupant. "HEy MiKAEla." She shouted across the room, and then made her way over to her and El Capitan, tripping over twice. "You have such pretty hairrrrrr." She said, slurridly and began stroking it. "How's it going, babycakes? How's your" Queen Anastasia purred "beefcake." Anastasia looked over to the Captain training Raini. "He really has a nice... Assault course."
-
Raini honestly didn't care who her father was. It's not like she wasn't raised by her biological woman biological mother Valentina without any help. She just went with the show so that she could get attention. She couldn't have cared less... Till El Captain started helping her lose weight.
Doing the obstacle course was challenging, but because she was a Survivor superfan who saw those just like it every other episide she knew exactly how to do it. She dug deep, woman, and slayed it. She felt like she won the best reward of all time - weight loss. Swimming with the sharks in Palau who?
Valentina was thrilled to see her daughter performing so well, and enthusiastically cheered her on. Howeve, she knew Raini could do even better, so she decided to call in some more help to come in and assist Raini while she was so motivated.
She called... The Queen.
Shallon Lester
Shallon walked into the event only thirty minutes after Valentina called her, as she was luckily very near. "I never thought that my vacation in Ibiza wouls be interrupted by this, but a girl always has to be on the look out for three things: a) dick b) girls called Kelsey trying to steal her man c) business opportunities. In descending order."
When she saw Valentina, Raini's mother who called her to help her daughter, Shallon just gave her a nod and a thumbs up to let her know she will talk to Raini when she is free and not busy with stuff like trying to Keep Up With the Fernandez Versini Velasquezians on a training course.
Whole she waited, she mingled. "Oh wow, Prince Tommy! I'm surprised you're still alive! So good to see you m. Remember, we met at that Homos and Friends Against Erectile Dysfunction event last year and you called me a dumb Chola who has as good of a chance getting laid at this gay event as she does with straight men?"
" Well, look at us now. I have a thriving career on YouTube and you are choking on the bundles of pub*c hair that get stuck on your tongue after you suck on that obese Spanish pop star you call a boyfriend. It doesn't matter if you insulted me at a last year's event or in 5th grade... I always get my revenge and I akways remember. ALWAYS. "
Shallon moved away from Tommy and greeted Mikaela with excitement." Oh my God girl, you got engaged since I last saw you! I'm sooo happy for you!!! " She hugged her and began whispering in her ear.
"Keep this between me and you, but if you are new to this channel I used to be the editor of Star Magazine and I know a lot of celebrity gossip that others aren't familisr with and I heard some scolding hot tea on your man El Captain. He has been having an affair with Raini for years now, but to make sure that you don't get suspicious he bribed Mary Pauvich to pretend they are family. "
" I know this is hard to take in, but you must be realistic. Do you really think that Mary Pauvich is a real show? And besides, what man could resist those sensuous, hot moves that make you wanna fiesta salsa quinceniera baila? Just look at them, losing weight together! Their chemistry is undeniable - and he's doing it right in front of you! The A U D A C I T Y!"
-
Mikaela fanned herself as Shallon spoke to her. Shallon was one of Mikaela's personal heroes and she was absolutely starstruck by her presence.
"Shallon, of course I knew you were an editor of Star Magazine. I only ever read that magazine because of you! I'm 100% part of the Shallontourage," Mikaela gushed. Mikaela's face dropped as Shallon spilled the tea on El General.
Mikaela pouted as she looked Shallon in the eyes. "But... Mary Pauvich seems so real. Please don't tell me Judge Rinder or Judge Judy aren't real either," Mikaela stated with genuine distress and worry in her voice. "I've always loved those."
She turned and looked at El General. He seemed to be in his element, commanding Raini around like she was one his soldiers committing genocide in Reitzmag. Raini was losing weight and becoming skinnier by the second. The chemistry between the two was indeed undeniable. Mikaela then turned and looked back at Shallon. "Girl, I love you. Thank you for having my back."
Mikaela gave Shallon a nod of understanding and then marched toward El General. She tapped him on the shoulder. "Could we step out for a minute? We need to talk."
El General blew his whistle very loudly and it echoed throughout the establishment. "Muy buen work, Raini" El General commented as she finished the course. The General then took out a towel and began spinning it until it formed a hardened spiral. El General then used the towel to gently whip Raini on her behind. "This is how we show apreciación in the locker room of my boxing gym," El General commented as Mikaela looked on with worry.
Mikaela then yanked El General's arm in an attempt to signal that he should follow her. El General obliged and followed Mikaela, and the two walked outside the bar and sat on the front steps.
"So..." Mikaela began. "I don't even know to how to go about this..."
"¿Qué?" El General asked in confusion. "Just say whatever is on your mind, mi amor."
"Have you been sleeping with Raini?"
El General looked stunned and just about fell backwards. "¿Qué?" he asked again.
"Don't lie to me! I can see through lies very easily. I can tell truth from fiction. I always see through Survivor edits and fake Justice programs," Mikaela lied, knowing full well that she always fell for fake reality TV story lines (Mikaela also thought Lisa Whelchel should of won Philippines).
"¡I've never even met her until hoy! I don't even know her. You know how nervous I was even just coming aqui. ¡I thought you said you would always have my espalda no matter what!" El General uttered in disbelief.
"I'm starting to think you're just using me for my money. I brought you to Inquista, allowed you to live in my villas, allowed you to drive all my cars, gave you jobs and connections..."
El General grabbed Mikaela's hand and kissed it. He then looked into her eyes. "Mi amor, I would never use you for your money."
"You didn't even like the colour of my cars, so you made me buy you several new ones. I also had to hire contractors to build a second pool for you in one of my villas, so that you could swim longer laps. You asked that I increase your weekly allowance from 400,000 Inquistos to 750,000 Inquistos, and you've spent it all every week. Plus you've been wiring additional money out of my account to your friends Mateo, Riccardo and Santiago."
"Mis amigos need the money," El General defended himself.
"But then on Instagram, I see you and all your friends going out to clubs, going on lad trips and sailing on yachts with tons of women on them," Mikaela continued in exacerbation.
"That's all in your cabeza," El General said as he tapped Mikaela's head with his finger. "I would never use you," he repeated. "Those trips are just for fun, nothing ever happens."
"I- I- I just don't know," Mikaela stammered.
El General placed his hand on Mikaela's thigh. "I will prove it. Let's get married pronto. I'm tired of being engaged."
Mikaela's heart just about jumped out of her chest. She had been trying to get El General to agree to marry her for months. He always had an excuse. "Let's do a trip to Otok first," he'd say, or "Is that really a priority? I need airpods", "Yes, but what about a new ski set for me?" or "Mikaela, my friend Mateo lost all the money I gave him in games of poker, shouldn't we be focused on bailing him out of debt?"
However, Mikaela has finally managed to get him to agree. She was gushing inside. "Really?" Mikaela gasped aloud. "You want to finally get married, like, marry married? For real married?"
"Si," he smiled.
Mikaela was totally dickmtized and instantly forgot everything Shallon had told her. She gave him a sideways embrace and rested her head on his shoulder. "Yay!"
El General played with Mikaela's hair and gave her a kiss. "We can get married muy pronto. The only condition is that we're not having a prenup, mi amor."
"Whatever you say," Mikaela squeaked as a tear of joy rolled down her face.
-
Before...The Queen showed up, Normani grabbed Raini and looked at her.
"Girl, you are slaying it right now. But if you want to take that slayage to the next level, you need to learn how to twerk. Anywhere is a good place to twerk. I personally enjoy chain link fences and stages, but here works too," Normani explained. She pulled out a flask. "Here, you're a woman now. A little tequila goes a long way to loosening up them hips, that back and dat ass."
Normani assumed a squatting position, knees open.
"Now, the key to twerking is that you've got to use those low back muscles to not just arch your back but lift that booty up just to get that motion going, otherwise all you're doing is looking like someone's Tina Belcher. We don't want that, baby girl. Just lift and arch...lift and arch. Good! Now let's try it faster."
Normani started twerking, and by the grace of Black Jesus it was beautiful twerking. Her ass was going up and down, bouncing and behaving. You see, despite her killer figure, this was a homegrown kind of butt. The kind of butt that had to have been FED by the gods...and also fine Gaulois cuisine. Once Normani started twerking, she began to move it in circles.
"Now, that's the circle twerk. If you want to do a little spicier action, how about some of this," Normani said to Raini. She began to bend at the waist, putting her arms out in front of her, giving a full view of her (still covered) undercarriage, so to speak. All while keeping the booty motion going.
"Or, if you like the circle, add a little dip to it," Normani replied. "Yes, that's it girl! You shake them nalgas, honey!"
The twerking worked up quite a feeling in Normani. She walked off to the side and looked at what was on offer. Skinny bitch food was all that was there, so she ate it. She looked on at the impromptu marriage proposal between El General and Mikaela and clapped.
"Yes, if you like it...put a ring on it!" Normani cheered from the corner. This called for a celebratory twerk. And twerk she did. To what music? No one could tell. Most of the music had stopped, but she found a beat somewhere and danced away.
-
Raini was thrilled with Norman's twerking lesson. Her favorite girl from Fifth Harmony came through for her and learned her how to shake it. As she was doing so, the weight kept on melting off from her almost supernaturally and she looked almost recognizable. But though her belly kept getting tinier, the fat and the cellulite of her junk in the trunk was being turned into muscle of her buns of steel. After all of the rigorous training of the day, Raini's appearance changed and she began to look like a
Thrilled with her progress and what she learned, she walked in the middle of El Captain and Mikaela and began twerking on him. She was incredibly seductive, captivating everyone around her with her natural sex appeal and the fire in her eyes. "I couldn't twerk this good if it wasn't for you, mi amor!"
As Raini twerked, some rude onlookers told Mikaela to get out of the way and let them enjoy the show.. "You're blocking the view, cunt!"
Shallon walked over to Queen Anastasia, who was close to El Captain, and began stirring the pot. "Is it a Normani? A Beyoncé? A Miley Cyrus? Oh my, it's Raini Rodriguez!!! I can't believe that the El Captain ignored your advances but is participating in this. It makes you look unqueenly and I bet the communists are going to hold it against you. But don't worry, I have your back. Let's do something to win El Captain over! I hope you've seen my How To Prove Communists Who Exiled You Wrong video, girl."
-
"You know..." Queen Anastasia said slurridley. "I do have to prove those damn communists wrong. They've had it too good for too long." She thought for a few moments then got up on the bar and began dancing - the hole bar looking either in amazement, attraction or disgust. She took off her light jacket and began waving it over her head. "Capitán... Me quieres papi?" Queen Anastasia said, licking her lips.
Tommy and Carlos looked on in disbelief. Was Queen Anastasia, who had always been the more sensible sibling, now the crazy one? Tommy thought that he really had changed and so, it seemed, had Queen Anastasia. Was this role reversal realness?
"What the fuck is she doing?" Carlos said. "Can't say it isn't hot though..."
"Hey that's my sister!" Prince Tommy retorted
"You should take it as a compliment, you're related."
Tommy sighed in a way that said you're right, but I don't like it.
-
Shallon was loving the show and threw some money on Anastasia before slapping her ass. "Woooooo! Work it, girl! YES!" She was extremely enthusiastic about Anastasia's performance, but had to contain herself in order to not waste this opportunity to create more drama.
She walked over to Mikaela and began whispering in her ear. "Do you remember when Dailymail wrote that article about your and El Captain's love affair in Ibiza? What they neglected to say is that El Captain knew that international figures were coming to Spain and had his eyes on Queen Anastasia but was willing to settle for anyone rich and famous. Why? Because as his mother once told him: any hole... Is a goal."
She then went back to the bar and climbed on it. She ripped apart half of her dress and threw it over at Prince Tommy in the audience before starting to twerk and grind all over Queen Anastasia." The only thing better than two drunk bitches getting it on is four drunk bitches getting it on. A dance foursome!!! Fiesta SALSAAAAAAA! WOOOO!"
She beckoned Raini and Normani to come join them, and suddenly the group of girls and their behavior began to look like the cast of Coyote Ugly performing. All that was missing was Angela Merkel, but nothing in life is perfect.
Raini joyfully got on stage and began doing her thing, effortlessly outshining Shallon and Anastasia. But though all eyes were on her, she kept a steady gaze on El Captain. "Do you like how I dance, papi?!" She yelled out at him before jumping into a split, flipping her hair and repeatedly pounding on the bar with her thighs.
-
El General was slightly disgusted by his 15 year-old cousin's flirtatious advances toward him. However, he greatly enjoyed the performances the women were putting on. Raini and Normani were naturally good dancers, but even Queen Anastasia was turning it out. While El General eyed Queen Anastasia up and down, Mikaela came and nudged him on his shoulder. El General turned to face Mikaela, who then suddenly jumped up on the bar and began dancing with the rest of the women.
Mikaela smiled and winked at El General. Mikaela was fully dickmitized, so all of Shallon's words came in through one ear and then left through the other. Besides, Mikaela knew that Queen Anastasia was now an exiled and basically destitute queen for the time being, even though she was still a true and legitimate reigning queen who was indisputably Queen of Icholasen. Despite this, Queen Anastasia's current economic prospects made her no threat to El General's interest in Mikaela, and Mikaela knew that.
El General hollered as the women danced and he slapped each of their asses as he walked around the bar, collecting some of the money which had fallen to the ground. El General then walked up to Carlos and Tommy. He gave Carlos a cheeky smile as he approached him. "Mi amigo, it's bueno to see you again. I am muy contento that we're not fighting this time," he joked as he alluded to their battle at St. Helen's Cathedral in Reitzmag.
El General grabbed a drink that was left on the bar table beside him and downed it in one sip. "Maybe we can have a repeat this evening of what happened the last time in Ibiza," El General hinted to Carlos and Tommy. El General then smiled as he watched the women finish boogying the house down. El General then gave a cheeky side eye to Carlos and Tommy and invited them to join him and the rest of the crew who were on the bar-turned-stage. "Let's show las mujeres how we hombres can do it."
He jumped onto the bar and clapped his hands, and announced aloud, "This is song is dedicated to my querida prima Valentina, who is Raini's gorgeous Mamacita and the mujer that made Carlos realise he also likes hombres."
Valentina by Alaska began to play and El General quickly ripped off his military shirt and vest, revealing his 10 pack underneath. He moved to the middle of the bar and began dancing between all of the women, taking turns grinding behind each one of them, before then moving toward Mikaela. He grabbed Mikaela and lifted her onto his shoulders, and then began to bob up and down as Mikaela sat upright on his shoulders and swayed from side to side.
