The Red Quinceañera
-
Red Croatia, 2005
"Carlos. I'm pregnant." Valentina said.
"I also have something to tell you." Carlos said, while Hung Up by Madonna played in the background, (it was 2005, after all) "I'm bisexual."
"What does that mean?"
"Valentina, that's very ignorant of you, but probably in line with people in the early 2000s's attitudes and opinions of LGBT people. Bisexual means I like men and women, aka all the genders that exist in the year 2005."
"Okay I'm glad we're sharing but what are we going to do with the baby?"
"Well, bisexual people are stereotyped as having commitment issues. That's not true and I resent that stereotype. But... Adios, bitch! Good luck with the baby!"
And so Carlos went on to live his best bisexual life. A man here, a woman there and in 2013 when non-binary people were invented, he had a fling with one of them. "Kristian I think their name was..." Carlos reflected. The Beastly Bisexual went from country to country as a touring musician working to pay his child support bills. Eventually, he settled in Icholasen, working in Saint Regina as a regular musician at a bar. And the rest is history.
But what happened to the baby gestating within Valentina in 2005? What became of her and where would her destiny take her?
Ibiza, Spain, The Present Day
Carlos looked at the picture of El Capitan and Mikaela on his iPhone X. "I miss that stupid bitch. I beefed El General in East Moreland, sorry, New Moreland, but that's okay us Spanish brothers stick together." Carlos said across la sala to Prince Tommy. The two had been living on and off in Icholasen and Ibiza, but had settled in Ibiza since, of course, the communist revolution but also due the unstable situation with Carlos's Ministry of Eurovoice job. They had managed to buy Casa Lola, where the events of the previous summer took place, and under their new managed was renamed Casa Romanov in honour of Tommy's Royal family. Then, Carlos's phone began to ring.
"Carlos." Valentina said. "Raini-"
"Who?" Carlos said.
"Your daughter. She has been deported from Red Croatia and she's coming to live with you in Ibiza. She's also 15, and as per your Spanish culture she must have a Quinceañera. It's up to you to organise this, Carlos."
"What on earth- I don't want to have to look after her, and I don't know how to organise a Quinceañera!"
"Figure it out." Valentina said and hung up.
Carlos relayed the information to Prince Tommy.
"Ooh a Quinceañera will be fun, we can invite Anastasia, Mikaela, El Capitan, etc." Tommy said.
"You're right. And if there's anything fathers do, it's make everything about them, and I'm going to be no exception. It'll be my party with my guests. Amazing."
"I'll get the decorations."
30 Minutes before the party event on Facebook said it was starting
"The guests should be here any minute now!" Tommy said gleefully, he loved entertaining in the bar, it really was his favourite job he had ever had. Well - the only job he had ever had.
"Raini and the other guests should be arriving any minute now." Carlos replied.
"Remember though, some people are fashionably late to things." Tommy said, knowing that Mikaela Klingenburg probably confused the hour and minute hands on her digital watch. "I've also stocked us up with a lot of alcohol -- so the guests can have whatever they want. It's an open bar, but we'll take tips. Let's just hope the Feds don't get involved this time."
"Okay, you're the boss." Carlos said, in between blowing up a giant balloon shaped like a 5.
Queen Anastasia then came in the door in much more casual clothes than she normally wore. "Hey folks." She said.
"Honey, how are you?" Tommy asked, having not seen her for a while. Obviously things are a bit tetchy when there's a communist warrant out for your head.
"I've had better days." Queen Anastasia said. "Have you got any kombucha? I'm ready to celebrate a the fuck out of this Quinceañera."
And so, the final decorations were put up, with 15 motif bunting, 15 shaped balloons, and 15 minutes to go until the guests were meant to arrive -- including the guest of honour, Raini Rodriguez.
-
Froilan was having some vacations in Ibiza. At all, he loved partying, and he didn't care about what his family or the press said about him. He was sad about missing the mostly-known International party in El Burro Marica bar last summer, and the fault was of his grandmother, the Queen Sofía. He got very angry with her, but, they reconciliated in January and even don't knowing how. Maybe he was drunk. Very, very, drunk
Then, he saw Casa Lola. He remembered that, last year, their uncles Felipe and Leticia were having lunch with the elite of international head of states. He thought...
"If I would have been here last summer, I would have partied with my international mates"
He heard some people screaming and making noise, and also, a very weird and ugly poster saying Casa Romanov So, he decided to enter the place and see if there was a party going on there:
"Hello?! Is this open?"
-
"Yeah! Come in. Welcome to the party." Tommy said, turning on the song el sonidito.
-
Merkel had an... enjoyable evening the night beforeWith all the tea going on back at home, Angela went off to Ibiza to forget about life for a while. She had spent the last week living it up and had left a sizable trail of lovers in her wake. While getting ready to go to a rave on some Inquistan yacht, she received a text message from her personal assistant and party planner on her smartphone:
"Girl I got something LIT for you! One of my contacts in Ibiza says there is a BOP going down at Casa Romanov! Your fav, Anastasia is there teehee... Address attatched xoxo."She walked up to the establishment in a tantalizing outfit, ready to get down to business.
-
Froilan entered the place. It was like the Spanish bars he went to, so, he didn't understand so much why the ugly poster was there.
"Hello. How are you mate?" He said, trying to enter the party with style. "I'm Froilan, you know, the famous rebel Prince of Spain, nice to meet you! You are..."
-
"Mama! No. I am NOT wearing it." Raini declared.
Valentina stood there with Raini's quinsrdafa dress. "But hija, we paid so much for it and there's no time to get you a new one! Don't be childish. It's the day if your quinsenarlå, you are supposed to be a woman as of today. "
Raini glared at her mama. "Mama, if I want a new quěėfcenana dress, I'm going to get a new queencellery dress. Haven't I struggled enough? I was supposed to be first in line to the Red Croatian throne, but because you had me with a fat Spaniard I am here, stuck with only 2000 dollars allowance. And the car I drive? It's not even G Luxe or above. "
Valentina sighed. She didn't know what to say. She didn't know the words. She just looked at her own dress and asked" Can I keep it on, please?" before parting the bloody Red Sea to somehow find a new dress that a) Raini likes b) Raini can fit in without immediately tearing it.
Raini smirked, pleased that she got what she wanted. Though she was not the Queen of Red Croatia, being a fat exiled noble gave her a great sob story and allowed her to use her victim narrative to bully people, especially her mama.
When they finally arrived to the party, where Raini wore the perfect dress, she forced everyone to gather so that she could perform her musical number.
But during the performance, tragedy took place just after she hit the powerful high note in the final chorus (an astounding F flat 4!) her dress tore apart due to the pressure she applied to her diaphragm. The crowd, that was going wild over Raini's performance up until that poinylt, stood there shocked.
"Stop the music! Stop the fiesta. Stop, stop, STOOOOoOoOoOoOP!" Raini screamed a high C with vibrato. "The queersexera is cancelled! Everything is ruined? She then ran out crying as Valentina rushed after her.
-
"I can't get over how handsome you look in your red uniform," Mikaela gushed as she wrapped her arm around El General.
"Ayyy Mamacita, you look muy hermosa," El General responded as he planted a kiss on her cheek.
"I still have no idea what you're saying, but I'm glad we matched our outfits. I think you can reuse your red uniform for the victory parade in Icholasen. You'll fit right in with the Red Army. You're not opposed to wearing the same outfit again, I hope? Not that you'e ever done that before. Luckily for me, I've packed quite a few red dresses for this trip. Red is soooo in right now! Red here, red there, red everywhere!"
The couple walked up to Casa Lola and Mikaela immediately stopped in her tracks and tugged on El General's arm, suggesting that he stop walking for a moment.
"This is the first place we went to after we met, remember?" Mikaela reminisced. "So many happy memories. It's not even a year later and look at us now," Mikaela said as held up her hand and gazed at the ring on her finger.
"Everything about my life has changed, but for the better.... all because of you, mi amor," El General declared as he pulled out a large bouquet of red roses. El General picked one rose out of the bouquet and handed it to Mikaela. "For you, Mamacita."
Mikaela blushed and took the rose. "Very sweet of you. How many roses are left in there?"
"Quince."
"What?"
El General used his hands and fingers to signal and count the number 15.
"What is that, 15? Good, just enough for Raini."
El General furrowed his brows and then looked down at the ground. A nervous look swept across his face, which was very unusual, because the El General was the bravest man there ever was.
"Don't worry, no matter what happens tonight, I'm always by your side. I know this will be tough for you. We can get through this together," Mikaela reassured El General as she placed her hand on his shoulder. "This paternity situation is very confusing, but we'll also be family soon. We're in this together. You got this."
Mikaela's phone then began to buzz. Mikaela quickly checked her incoming messages and let out a squeal.
"Besides, you will all be in for a treat tonight! I will be sure to ease all your worries. I tried to get my girl JLo to perform a reunion show with me, but after she released her new 'comeback' album, Mi Casa, Su Casa, she's been too busy promoting her work by signing copies of the album at local outlet malls. However, I've got a very special girl who will be joining me to perform tonight for Raini... and she's bringing her boys Pablo, Diego, Eduardo and Alejandro with her. It's going to be be epic," Mikaela gushed as she fanned herself.
El General smiled and gave Mikaela a sideways embrace.
"Ok, ready to head in?" Mikaela smiled. El General and Mikaela interlocked their arms as they walked into the magical place where they shared their first drink, Casa Lola.
The couple were very, very, very lucky enough to catch Raini's magical performance. Mikaela swayed in El General's arms as they moved to Raini's magical voice. "This will be a moment you cherish all your life," Mikaela hummed as she swayed. After the perfoamnce, Mikaela and El General clapped in a triumphant applause. "Awww, she's so talented! I'm not sure if I can live up to that. I'm starting to get nervous now. You really have a talented girl. She must get that from you!"
After totally nailing that F flat 4, and then experiencing catastrophe, Mikaela and El General look stunned as Raini ran outside, calling for the quinceañera to be cancelled. El General decided to rise to the occasion. He went running to the all you can eat buffet and put a heap full of enchiladas onto a plastic plate. El General then ran outside with the enchiladas and roses, which he was going to give Raini.
-
Bella Thorne, Raini's dyslexic Nicoleizian friend ran out with a plate of tacos. "Raini, come back, we have all these tacoses. There's so much food here - come back inside and try again!"
-
Raini was genuinely upset at first, but getting all of the attention from people who worried for her made it worth it. She felt much better already but persisted in the theatrics.
"You don't understand, none of you understand!" she groaned. "I lost so many opportunities in my life because of my weight, and now I even lose the opportunity to perform at my own quentintarantinosera because I can't find a dress that I don't rip. And to comfort me... You bring me food?!! "
She ran up to the people who were bringing her food, already winded from the 5 seconds of physical activity, and threw it all on the floor.
" Let the Os Corelians... I mean... Let the ants eat it!"
She ran back to the spot where she was sitting when she was first approached, acting like she wanted to be left alone as she smelled the food and daydreamed about eating it - though she would never admit it.
-
El General, Valentina, Bella Thorne, Carlos and Raini outside Casa LolaEl General watched in dismay as Raini threw the enchiladas and tacos on the ground. "Happy birthday to the ground," the General mouthed in shock as he experienced traumatic flashbacks of his own 15th birthday cake being thrown on the ground by his abusive father. El General wanted Raini to enjoy the best 15th birthday ever. After all, the General never got to his enjoy his own 15th. It saddened him deeply that Raini's quinceañera was turning into a disaster. El General knew that he needed to be the father that Raini never had in this moment of crisis. Maybe this was the time for Raini to finally know the truth? Obviously, unveiling a deep family mystery about secret paternity was totally the right sort of bomb to drop on someone who was already having an emotional breakdown. Surely this would make it better?
Valentina, Bella Thorne and El General fussed around Raini and tried to get her to calm down. A few minutes later, Carlos emerged outside. El General then realised that this was the perfect time for Raini to finally know the truth. This would obviously calm her down, after all, Daddy problems were very clearly at the centre of this emotional breakdown.
"Raini," El General announced aloud. "You don't know me, but it's time that you know the truth. While your so-called papá was out and about with tank-topped bum boys - which is a secret your mother always knew about - your mother and I had a secret relationship. We've long suspected I am your real papá. So don't mind Carlos, your other distant and unattached papá, because I, the person you don't even know, am your real papá. Come here, mi querida."
El General then wrapped his massive arms around Raini and tried to get her to calm down.
Mikaela was sure that her man was taking charge of the situation outside. She decided this would be a good opportunity to catch up with those she hadn't seen in a while. Mikaela's eyes lit up as she saw Tommy and Queen Anastasia.
"Yesss, Queen!" Mikaela exclaimed as she approached Queen Anastasia and Tommy. "Or as the locals say, 'siiiii Queen'! Yes, I'm pretty much fluent now. Si means yes. My man is teaching me all sorts of French," Mikaela bragged.
Mikaela gave Tommy and Queen Anastasia a tight embrace and a kiss on the cheek. "Queen Anastasia, you're looking regal as always. Truly the most beautiful Queen of all Queens. Glad you haven't allowed that little revolution to stop you from looking stunning like the queen that you are."
Mikaela smiled and looked Tommy up an down. "Tommy you look... very, uh... domestic chic. Are you here to work again?"
-
Casa Lola, Ibiza, Spain
Normani was on vacation in Ibiza, one of her first times to the Mediterranean paradise. She happened to be walking past the Casa Lola and noticed a party beginning. She walked over towards Mikaela, Queen de jure Anastasia, and Tommy.
"Hi, umm, I was looking to join a party. Do y'all mind if I join you?" asked Normani. "Is this...ummm...someone's birthday? What's with all the fifteens?"
-
Raini gasped as El Captain revealed that he is her true father. For some reason, she fully believed him, but it made her even more hysterical. "So, wait..." She inspected El Captain's body in all its masculine, strong and fit glory. "My fatness... Isn't generic? MY REAL FATHER IS A SKINNY LEGEND?!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!"
She screamed yet again, rushing back into the Casa Whatever and bumping into Norman on her way there.Seeing the half nude skinny woman triggered even moooore hysteria. She rudely glared at the woman before continuing to rush to whatever quiet place she could find, but when she saw Queen Anastasia - she couldn't take it anymore.
Her body exhausted from the 20 seconds of physical activity and her mind overwhelmed by the drama of the day, she started performing a dramatic monologue while facing a wall.
"I can't bear it. I lost the right to the Red Croatian throne because I am not skinny, and now I find out that my skinniness isn't even genetic??? What excuse for my facial cellulite do I have now???"
She dried her tears and lowered her tone. Her rage turned to melancholy.
" I can't even be a metaphorical melanin kween like Normani, reigning over her Twitter stans... Let alone a true, undisputable Queen like Anastasia. While she maintains her royal status even in exile, I am over here wearing a torn apart Balenciaga dress that isn't even haute cotoure designed with me in mind. Truly, nobody ever suffered like I do... "
-
Queen Anastasia and Prince Tommy looked upon Raini, rather confused and then returned to the conversation with Mikaela. "Yeah" said Prince Tommy, "I work here, me and Carlos own this place. Casa Romanov - do you like the name?" Tommy then called over Angela Merkel of Fremet to the circle. "Hello tiger, scored yet? Just kidding babe you've only been here a few minutes... Unless?"
-
Angela had been going through her hundreds of Tinder matches to weed out those that weren't worthy of her touch. She walked over, a paper coffee cup in hand. She took a big gulp before speaking.
"Oh you know, just scoping things out. You've got an adorable place here. I'm sure Raini is having a great time. You've got quite the crowd here." She smiled took another swig from the cup."NOW. Who is that spicy quesadilla over there?" She handed the cup to Tommy and gave him a little spank as she started walking over to Normani. Tommy smelled the cup: it was 160-proof Fremetian Peppermint Schnapps. She looked back at him, "I have a whole case in the car." She winked at him and turned to Normani.
"You seem to be here all alone my dear..." Angela reached out and touched her hand. "Come, it takes two to tango."
-
Froilán was confused. He saw many international famous people around him, and tried to enter the party. "What should I do?" He said. But he realised what he needed to do. He had to get drunk. So, he went to the kitchen, grabbed 4 beers and drank them straight. "Nooow I'm ready!" So, he saw Angela and approached to her.
"Miss Angela, would you like to dance a Sevillana?"
-
Mikaela nudged Angela forward towards Froilán. "Go for it, girl," Mikaela whispered. She then turned to Normani and put her hand on her shoulder. "I too know what it's like to carry the weight of an entire girl group on my back. Trust me, you're much better solo," Mikaela said as she nodded. "Just like Queen Anastasia. She's been solo for a long, long, looooong time now and she's doing better than ever, isn't that right Queen Anastasia?"
Suddenly, Mikaela noticed Raini in the corner of her eye. Raini was sulking while facing a wall. Mikaela's heart broke for her. Mikaela then came up with a plan to remedy the situation. "Alright girls, we need to cheer Raini up and help her become the skinny legend that she truly is. We can all teach her a valuable lesson that she can use to become skinny."
Mikaela turned to Normani. "You need to teach her how to dance." She then turned to Queen Anastasia. "Queen Anastasia, you looked royally slim and regally skinny despite carrying twins. Not sure how you did it, but you should teach whatever that was to Raini. I'm not sure what Raini is carrying, but it definitely seems heavier than twins." Finally, Mikaela turned to Tommy. "You need to teach her how a healthy dose of resentment and jealousy can do a body good."
She paused and then let out a deep exhale. "Phew. Ok. Got it girls? I'll show you how it's done."
Mikaela turned from the group and waltzed over to the small make-shift stage that was in the centre of the room. The stage was basically a small platform made out of several cargo boxes. Mikaela hopped on the stage, tore off her red outfit and revealed a scantily clad outfit underneath that displayed her skinny body. Mikalea then pointed at Raini.
"Raini, you have the potential to become the skinniest of skinny queens. Singing makes you skinny, and girl, you've got strong vocals. You've got what it takes to look like this," Mikaela said as she shook her totally flat and virtually non-existent white ass.
"Hit it!" Mikaela exclaimed. The lights in the entire venue suddenly went dark. A spot light was then lit and focused on Mikaela, who was now joined onstage by Colibritany and her entourage of Pablo, Diego, Eduardo and Alejandro.
Pablo, Diego, Mikaela, Eduardo, Alejandro and Colibritany performingMikaela and Colibritany began singing Mi Sexy Chambelán together. Mikaela and Colibritany combined their God given talent and vocal abilities to perfectly harmonize and riff off one another. “Vente a mis quince ya, vamos a celebrar, mi sexy chambelán! Vente a mis quince ya, te quiero disfrutar, mi sexy chambelán!”
After a stunning performance finishing off with high notes which fell even more flat than Mikaela’s ass, Mikaela and Colibritany embraced and hugged one another. “I’m such a Latina at heart,” Mikaela commented as she smiled, feeling proud of herself. Mikaela then turned and faced the crowd. “Now it’s your turn, Raini! I know you’ve got what it takes. Unleash your skinniness and give us the performance we all deserve!”
The crowd began to chant in agreement. “Raini! Raini! Raini!”
-
Raini was truly encouraged by The One in the Middle from Girls Aloud and smiled as she went up on stage and started singing with her new friend.
Best X Factor Judge Ever was happy to see Raini share her beautiful voice with the world, but she knew that Raini had more to offer. "Okay girl... If we want to burn off those calories, we need to get you working out properly. Now, let's dance!"
Suddenly, a big TV screen appeared in front of Raini and Rose Tattoo on Ass Possessor, and the two began to play Just Dance on it as JLo's Big Booty played. The crowd cheered as Raini and Fernandez Versini were hitting all the moves and burning calories.
Though Raini was not used to all this physical activity, something strange was happening to her body. She experienced such an adrenaline rush and could feel the weight melting off of her. A strange, thick substance resembling pig fat was leaving her body as she sweat and was looking skinnier with each move.
"Wow, That Girl Who Sings Call My Name, I never knew that dancing could be this fun! Thank you so much!" She said as she continued performing to an enthusiastic crowd.
-
Angela looked at Froilán and said, "That would be fantastic. Let Riani finish her routine first, and then we can go for it." "WHOOOO YOU GO GIRL!"
As things started dying down, Angela turned to Froilán and said, "Alors On danse."
-
Normani enjoyed dancing with Angela. She was surprised that a Fremetian woman of her age was so agile. She continued to dance with her as Mikaela commented about her girl group. Normani didn't want to think about those girls anymore. Especially that Camila. Forget that ho. She decided to listen to Mikaela's song and loved it. She gave her a huge thumbs up before clapping.
Normani turned to Raini. She looked at her and finally put two and two together. 'She must be who this quinceanera is for,' Normani thought.
She was supportive of the performance and a look of shock at the transformation before her eyes flashed across her face. Once Raini finished, Normani came over and hugged her.
"Oh, you were amazing dear! Come, we need to perform my one single released way too soon for my debut album that I'm totally being a perfectionist about, but that's okay because it's gonna slay honey!" Normani smiled.
She had it now. She had motivation!
-
Tears welled up in Mikaela's eyes after she performed with Raini. "Your vocals, your dance moves, your everything... just perfect," Mikaela gushed as she wiped her eyes. "I've never seen a score on Just Dance as high as yours. Girl, you have what it takes."
Mikaela patted Raini on the back and observed how out of breath she was. She noticed how Raini had already become skinnier. Mikaela then saw El General clapping proudly in the crowd. "Aww, you should be so proud right now," Mikaela announced into the microphone as she smiled at El General. Mikaela then placed her right hand on Raini's shoulder. "We're basically family."
"Objection! I wouldn't be so sure about that!" a voice bellowed from the back of the room.
The entire crowd gasped and turned to look at the source of the objection. It was was Maury Povich. "I have the DNA results with me and I can confirm the identity of Raini's true father," Maury boasted.
The crowd began to ooh in excitement. Maury walked over to the stage and signaled for the Casa Romanov staff to place three chairs on the stage. Once three chairs were put onto the stage, Maury called Carlos and El General over. Carlos was seated on the left, El General was seated on the right and Raini was seated in the middle.
"Carlos was once the partner of Raini's mother, the biological woman known as Valentina. It was natural to assume that he was Raini's father. However, El General over here, who had a secret relationship with Valentina during the same time, now claims that he is Raini's true father. I have collected the DNA of Raini, Carlos and El General, and I can confirm who the true father is."
The crowd began to clap and cheer for who they preferred to be the father. "Carlos! Carlos! Carlos!" one side of the crowd began to cheer, while the other side began to cheer for El General. "Juan-Bernardo! Juan-Bernardo! Juan-Bernardo!"
"After rigorous and totally fail-proof testing, we have found a significant match between Raini's and El General's DNA," Maury began before being interrupted by El General, who jumped from his seat and began cheering.
"I knew I was the papá!" El General shouted joyfully. The crowd began to clap and cheer.
"... but in the case of 15 year-old Raini, you are NOT the father!" Maury finished.
Carlos jumped from his seat and began to boast while El General quickly sat down and began shaking his head.
"In the case of 15 year-old Raini, Carlos IS the father," Maury confirmed before continuing. "However, there is a significant correlation between Raini and El General's DNA. According to the DNA results, you are first cousins once removed. Valentina is in fact, your cousin."
The crowd gasped and Mikaela stared in disbelief.
"Dios mio! I always knew it was strange that Valentina y I both had a tía Evita who made the best guacamole," El General said as he shook his head.
"Ibiza is a small island, I get it," Maury commented with a smug smile. "Well, that's all for today's edition of Maury. Thank you all very much!" The crowd began to clap as Maury exited the Casa Romanov.
Mikaela ran up onto the stage and began to console El General. "It's okay, everything will be okay," Mikaela calmly whispered as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. "She may not be your daughter, but she is your... first cousin once removed?"
El General accepted Mikaela's embrace before then getting up from his seat. El General was never phased by anything for more than just a couple of moments. "I may not be your papá, but we are still familia, Raini," El General commented. "And so, it is my duty to help you become muy flaca."
Sudenly, Who Let The Dogs Out by the Baha Men started to play. El General pulled out a training sergeant whistle and began to blow. "¡Boot camp starts... ahora!"
El General began to disassemble the stage which was made out of crates and unveiled an elaborate military training course that was underneath it. A series of car tires and pylons were organized into a small obstacle course. El General began to loudly blow into the whistle as he prodded Raini to begin making her way through the obstacle course. Raini was to start by jumping between the car tires and then between the pylons.
"Uno. Dos. Uno. Dos. Uno. Dos," El General commanded as he watched Raini begin going through the course.
The Kingdom of Spain
