An Orthodox Approach to Diplomacy
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Bishop Secretary Jordyn Finsch, the the Inquistan Bishop Secretary of State, paced around the office he was waiting in. He was ill prepared and annoyed. The Bishop Secretary was supposed to be accompanied by either Air Marshal Harriett Copala or General Juan-Bernardo Fernandez-Velsasquez, but neither of them showed up for some reason. Bishop Secretary Finsch shook his head in disbelief as he wondered where in the world the General and the Air Marshal could be.
Even worse, the Bishop Secretary wasn't briefed or handed any sort of negotiation documentation before boarding his flight to... where was he again? Vayinaod? The Bishop Secretary really wasn't sure.
As the Bishop Secretary continued to pace around the room, his phone began to ring. He took a look at it and noticed the Archbishop was trying to facetime him.
"Thank the one true God!" Bishop Secretary Finsch exclaimed as tears of joy welled in his eyes. He answered his facetime call. "Your Holiness! Glad to hear from you!
The Bishop Secretary quickly noticed he wasn't looking at the Archbishop, but was instead looking very closely at a wooden desk.
"Errrr, Your Holiness, you're using your back-facing camera. You need to switch to the front-facing one. I can't see you. Or hear you," the Bishop Secretary nervously commented.
Archbishop Craticus struggled, but eventually managed to switch to his front-facing camera. The Archbishop held up his phone directly to his face, giving the Bishop Secretary a fantastic view of his most holy nostrils. "Your Holiness, you're very close. I still cant hear you," the Bishop Secretary continued to comment with worry. "Hello? Hello? You're on mute. Please unmute. "
The facetime abruptly ended. Bishop Secretary Finsch just about threw his phone against the wall, when it buzzed again with a text message from the Archbishop. 'Sending you you the negotiating portfolio now' the text message read. The Bishop Secretary sighed. His phone buzzed again. The Bishop Secretary opened the document. His face dropped. He then dropped his phone. "I can't believe what I've just seen."
Archbishop Craticus had accidentally sent the Bishop Secretary a [tasteful] nude of Queen Aleksandra instead of the negotiation portfolio. The Bishop Secretary's phone buzzed on the ground. After a few moments of shock, the Bishop Secretary picked it up and quickly exited out of the smutty nude picture he had been sent. 'Oops wrong attachment lol' a message from the Archbishop read.
A few moments later, the Bishop Secretary received a new document attachment, which indeed proved to be the real negotiating portfolio. The Bishop Secretary began to quickly study it.
"Make sure Reitzmag pays Inquista war reparations... have Whiteford return to power... got it," the Bishop Secretary whispered to himself aloud as he went through the document.
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Victoria City International Airport
7:26 am GMT+8
PM Mark Johnson, Mr. Nigel Farage, and Adm. Anderson make their way to the Prime Minister's air service to start the peace talks with delegates fom Gallorum, Inquista, and Icholasen. They're bringing a portfolio filled with HM George I's demands to the two countries. The flight is accompanied by 4 RAF Vultures and 4 RAF Falcons.
Nyetthem Executive Air Station, Vayinaod
10:26 am GMT+8
Johnson, Farage, and Anderson arrive at the air station designated by the Vayinaodic High Representative. They enter the car and travel to the Republic Office for Foreign Affairs.Republic Office for Foreign Affairs, Vayinaod
11:00 am GMT+8The car arrives at the rendevous. Farage is holding the document with HM George I's signature containing all of the demands that the URR wants from Inquista and Icholasen.
Johnson's phone rang, the king was calling. He immediately answered the call.HM George I: "Johnson, did you bring everything I told you?"
Johnson: "Yes I did your majesty, but there's just one thing I forgot"Johnson goes to the restroom holding the call.
Johnson: "So apparently, I forgot to bring my extra underwear. And I also forgot to bring the parodied flags of Inquista and Communist Icholasen."
HM George I: "It's OK, just don't let those brats get out of there without granting our demands!"The call dropped, the delegates proceeded inside the building.
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"High Representative, every one is present and ready to be introduced to each other."
"Good please ensure that only their two total representatives are sent to the room. I swear if I count more than eight other people in that room unless called for I will make sure you're sent to the most remote office we have," Nylund responded with a bit of sarcasm in his voice.
All the delegations were lead to the main conference room, it held a large circular wooden table with designated seating. The table had an opening on the western side that gave way to a space in the middle . The Gaulois and Inquistans on the southern hemisphere of the table, with the Reitzmen and Nicoleizians on the northern side. Krisitian sat dead in the middle overlooking all the delegates.
"Thank you all for agreeing to meet here in the name of peace," he started catching some eye-rolls already by some, "Look here let's be brutally honest in here. You all are in the middle of a bigger dumpster fire than the time Aalen hosted Eurovoice. I can say the nice soundbites I save for interviews and press conferences or we can work to establish a lasting peace and start moving on.
You all agreed to the ceasefire which is a good first step. I hope by the end of today we can reach a conclusion on most if not all the issues presented today, and lay the framework for those who have not yet been solved.
Firstly, I would like each delegation to provide some opening, diplomatic remarks for what they wish to accomplish today. After that we will open discussions on Prisoners of War and General Withdrawal of military forces. Please let each other finish. If I believe this conference is failing in remaining diplomatic I am not afraid to separated everyone and start it over.
Please who ever wishes to start may."
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PM Johnson hands Mr. Farage the document from HM George I and leaves the room for a nice cup of tea. Mr. Farage stands to give opening remarks.
Mr. Nigel Farage: "It is indeed an honor to address this assembly that the URR seeks peace and unity between us members of the EU. It is very depressing to watch how many innocent people get killed because of man's acts of violence, and this is unforgivable to us Reitzmen who are greatly damaged by such acts. Many of us lost our lives in the middle of the civil war, and much more died when the Inquistan Armed Forces carpet bombed an entire reich without the permission from the Reitzmic government and authorization from HM George I. I am very well pleased that we are here gathered to settle things up for the better sake of us nations and all of Europe. It was very surprising to see how nations fight each other in the name of their own interests.I was sent here by HM George I to explain all what the URR wants from those who tried to terrorize our motherland. And we wanted this thru a diplomatic and non-violent way. This meeting is the best solution for me to this problem that we face. I suggest that we shall accept our flaws and recognize each other equally. The economic status of the URR has risen despite these conflicts that affected the major industry in the URR, and that is tourism. The Reich of E. Moreland was one of the most beautiful reichs that Europe has ever seen, very well cultured and is used as the center of religion in the URR. Specifically, this implies to religions such as Catholicism and Inquistan Orthodox. And I was surprised how Inquistan Armed Forces can destroy a place of worship in their faith, and that this is unforgivable and inhuman action.
The URR is a prosperous nation, but we believe that our substantial military is still not enough to fight such forces that try to destroy our motherland. It is unbelievable that these nations' armed forces tend to destroy ours even if we had not yet made any action. RNS Archangel Gabriel was destroyed by an SU-57 stealth fighter from the Communist Nicolezian Air Force, and with this we did not retaliate or try to fight. This is because we believe that the solution is diplomatic action and not violence. With me is a document that contains all of the demands from the URR signed by our head of state, HM George I, who was distressed for he cannot fight such a battle that he believes could end the URR and turn us into a rubbish wasteland."
Farage sits down and Adm. Anderson then stands up to give more statement.
Adm. Francis Anderson: "During my service as chief of staff in HM Grand Royal Navy, I have never experienced such warfare that we almost accepted defeat. But in the eyes of the Reitzmen, we won and this is because of our peaceful ways of solving this crisis for the greater benefit of Europe. Thanks you and God Bless us all!" -
Foreign Minister Florence Parly
Major General of the Defence Staff Admiral Jean Casabianca
The two arrived at the talks in La Vayanod a bit later than the others but followed in with the Inquistans. As allies and lenders of support to the Inquistan side of the conflict, the Gaulois insisted that they be able to attend the meetings. Newly appointed Foreign Minister Florence Parly had a slight smirk on her face, her first big test in the third biggest job in government.
"Listen, all we want is to back our ally and restore the rightful government of Icholasen to power. As much as my sister in leadership Eilidh wants to just live in Dublin, she can't live there forever. She's got a country to run. The territorial integrity of Reitzmag must stay in tact and Icholasen returned to liberal democracy," Prime Minister Baschet said on her phone. "Now, if you excuse me we have to get back to budget deliberations at the Treasury. You know how the Finance Minister is....au revoir, mon petit chere vache."
Minister Parly and Admiral Casabianca sat together. They had to leave the protective custody of the Gendarmerie behind.
Admiral Casabianca looked a bit surprised when he heard the initial description of the Reitzmen military as substantial.
Casabianca: Well, Messieurs Anderson et Farage...your military does not seem quite that...substantial...that it could not guarantee territorial sovereignty of your nation from internal threats. In fact, it was your government that called Inquistan forces there in the first place. Let me make the position of the Kingdom of Gallorum very clear. We do not want to see any more fighting, whether it is in Reitzmag or on the island of Icholasen. We would like to see the territorial integrity of the United Reichs as it was before the conflict started. We in Gallorum, however, do not see Inquista as the one to blame. Rather had our two Orthodox nations not stepped in to help, the situation would have perpetuated onwards into full blown civil war and unrest. Therefore, the Kingdom of Gallorum does not believe that anything is owed to the United Reichs in terms of free monies. Now, if we are to talk a plan to get it back on its feet, such things could be arranged. You happened to catch our Kingdom at budget time.
Foreign Minister Parly: As it stands right now, the Government requests from the Politburo of the so-called communist state that is Icholasen that the rightful government be restored. Should the Communist Party wish to stand for election in Icholasen and make their case to the people, we in Gallorum will not stop them from doing so. In fact, should a communist government be elected by the people in free and fair elections, we will not stand in the way of its mandate. We however will want guarantees in a future treaty that should a communist government be elected, it will follow the norms and conventions of the Nicolezian electoral system. Should it try to consolidate power, we will immediately look for sanctions among the nations of Europe and further actions will be taken.
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Becky Short-Hailey, Head of the Red Army
Bernie Sanders, Minister for Foreign Affairs.
Bernie Sanders began talking, pointing in all different directions. "Icholasen has no gripe with the people of Inquistah, Reitzmag, or of Gallorum. Our gripe is with the millionaihs and billionaihs who don't pay their faihre shahre in this world. Obviously, the people of Reitzmag had had enough of their abuse by the bourgeoisie and parasite-like monarchs and as such they wanted a new life, free from oppression. Is that something you all dislike? They just wanted economics rights and freedom from economic injustice. I don't suppose anyone here would understand what it's like to live paycheck to paycheck and struggle to pay for your damn healthcare! We are on track to eliminate parasitic landlords and others who prey on poorer people. What are your liberal democracies doing? Icholasen has much to be proud of in this saga, we supported legitimate rebels taking economic injustice into their own hands and we tried to stop Inquistah bombing innocent civilians in East Moreland. Icholasen has much to be proud of." Bernie said, cradling his aching arm from all the pointing.
Becky Short-Hailey began to talk. "The military situation has developed not necessarily to the communist rebels' advantage. But, we will continue to recognise them as the legitimate Reitzmic government and consider the delegation here only as the de facto government of the country. We would like to, of course, see them take a portion of Reitzmag's territory and have them be allowed to set up a legitimate government of the people there. We will provide help to the people of East Moreland and other Reitzmic people as they establish their new legitimate state. If this can't be agreed, we will listen to other opinions but we will find it hard to agree to anything without a two state solution. As for the return of the liberal government in Icholasen, I believe that that talk is offensive and if these outrageous propositions or others continue, we will leave."
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Adm. Anderson begins to talk while sat down as Becky Short-Hailey ends her speech.
Adm. Anderson: "I'm sorry Adm. Casabianca, but Inquista was not permitted to bomb the whole reich of E. Moreland. There were no instructions to destroy such place, they did such acts already when the communists surrendered. The instruction we gave was to aid in the organization of surrendering Communist Rebels."Anderson ends his defense as Farage stands begins to talk
Mr Farage: "Ms. Becky Short-Hailey, I'm surprised that you still remain to support brutal forces and recognize them as a government even though they surrendered. Their leader, Mr. Turgenev said when he unprecedentedly went to Parliament that he did not want the communists to start violence in the URR. This means that they recognize the monarchy and the legitimate government at parliament. Why would you support someone that already gave up?" -
"Right, I'll get straight to the point. There will be absolutely no withdrawal of Inquistan forces in Reiztmag until the government of Reitzmag pays significant reparations to Inquista.
"Inquista has shown tremendous good faith and compassion to the people of Reitzmag by answering their call to arms. Inquista risked its own men and women in order to aid Reitzmag in defeating its communist insurgency. Then, when King George was nearly assassinated by a communist villain, we once again risked our own lives and forces by rooting communism completely out of the country. Inquistans have done the state of Reitzmag an absolute favour, and we have saved the King from countless possible future assassination attempts.
"Inquista has given, given and given in this conflict in Reitzmag. And with what in return? Nothing. Apparently, now you Reitzmen want even more from us. We're not paying you for anything. In fact, you owe us. Not only do you owe us, but you owe the entire region of the European Union. The ineptitude of your government allowed the communist insurgents in Reitzmag to inspire communist fanatics across the region, which led to the communist coup in Icholasen. Now, we're siting here with Mr. Sanders and Mrs. Short-Hailey. No offense to either of you, by the way. All thanks to the government of Reitzmag. Whatever damages, particularly to bridges, which have been incurred in Icholasen, also need to be paid for by Reitzmag.
"Inquista has not only dealt with defeating communists within Reitzmag, but we're also now fighting communists in the air and keeping them outside of Reizic territory. Again, Inquista keeps giving and giving. So far, we've got nothing in return. The least the the government of Reitzmag could do is pay what they owe us."
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"Okay.....we got a fair variety of different responses out there.
Let's try to start the conversation on some less....controversial areas. I would like to see if everyone at this table would be open to the immediate and total exchange of whatever prisoner of wars they may possess, or any persons who may seek asylum in a more friendly state. Or you know any thoughts. Please let's not try to talk over each other as much, and substantiate any claims with evidence."
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Nigel stands up immediately.
Mr. Farage: "I would like to reach out to everyone that the URR is currently holding communist rebels that surrendered. We hope that they may be accepted at Icholasen in fair exchange for redevelopment of E. Moreland."
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Bishop Secretary Finsch shrugged. "I have it on good authority that all prisoners we managed to capture are now, apparently, in a better place."
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Bernie Sanders took the mic. "We are happy to take up that offer as long as East Moreland is an independent state controlled by those same communist rebels. Icholasen does not hold any hostages at this point as our campaign was just an air campaign against Inquistah."
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Nigel responds to Sanders immediately.
Mr. Farage: "I'm sorry, but E. Moreland will remain our reich controlled by the legitimate government, but we still welcome communists in our nation as long as they do not begin violence or start uprisings. They are welcome to the government to be elected, the URR is a free and democratic populace that elects its officials." -
"I have good word from Taoiseach Donaghue in Ireland that we could perhaps resettle some people who require asylum in Ireland," Foreign Minister Parly said to the assembled.
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"Gosh, for the amount of money talk in this room you would think we were in a Llanowar stock room," muttered Kristian.
"There seems to be the wish to tie the redevelopment of E. Moreland with pretty much everything else on the table. Here is what I propose, an International Committee on the Resettlement on Reitzmag Refugees to be either held in Vayinaod or Europolis. Any claims for refugees will be administratively processed here while the refugee remains as a neutral campsite outside of E. Moreland. Any communists captured by Reitzmag will be considered political asylum claimants unless a specific heinous crime is brought against an individual to be verified by this committee. It will be staffed by one Inquistan, one Reitzman, one Nicoleizian, one Gaulois chaired by a Vayinaodic judge who will service to break ties. Vayinaod will offer to pay the administrative fees of this committee for the first three years. This committee will also investigate to ensure no Prisoners of Wars are actually present.
Now to just get rid of the money question, I propose this. The East Moreland Redevelopment and Investment Trust be established. It will be managed by a neutral party to be stationed here in Nyetthem. It will work to provide loans, investments, and other capital offerings to people and businesses in E. Moreland. Each party at this conference will commit to providing 250 million dollars annually over the next two years. There will be a return on investment. The Government of Reitzmag and E. Moreland may apply for these loans and investments same as the civilian populace.
In return E. Moreland will be granted an autonomous status within Reitzmag to take a handle on its own politics more and have more control over its reconstruction. This autonomous status will be ensured by Vayinaodic observers in its democratic processes for the next five years. Reitzmag will also offer to pay 25% of the total cost of Inquistan operations that took place before the bombing of E. Moreland. Inquista will not be held legally liable for damages caused in civil or criminal courts, and admits no wrong doing as well.
There will also be a general withdrawal of all military forces to begin in the next twenty-four hours to be completed in one weeks time. Any force that stays past this point must compensate Reitzmag.
Did I miss anything or anyone have any problems with this?"
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Adm. Anderson speaks up to add something.
Adm. Anderson: "I also would like to have Icholasen replace the destroyed RNS Archangel Gabriel after an SU-57 fighter-bomber dropped missiles above the said patrol vessel." -
Bernie said "we do not do 'investments'. If we were to put any money into this destroyed region, that, may I remind you, was not destroyed by us, we would demand the money was given to a communist government. Only communists can do what is best for the people -- not business owners, shareholders or... billionaihs!"
Becky Short-Hailey said "that ship was destroyed by a rogue pilot and we take no responsibility for that loss. We will not provide anything, any money any weapons to a non-communist government."
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Nigel exclaims immediately.
Mr. Farage: "Mr Sanders, the money will not go to the government but to the restoration of the entire Reich of E. Moreland, also investigation had already shown that the plane bears the roundel of the Nicolezian Air Force. This proves that there's no more excuse for you to replace our ship." -
"We don't care that it was a Nicoleizian plane, it was not, according to us, a sane Nicoleizian pilot. Under no circumstances will we replace the ship." Becky Short-Hailey replied.
"We also will not supply any money to capitalist regimes as we cannot trust that this money will go to the people. It will, in all likelihood, go to the billionaihs who have already profited enough off this war." Bernie added.
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"Let me quickly interject to say that the European Council has banned any arms deals with the communists controlling the island of Icholasen. Which is why they would instead provide support to the community of E. Moreland that their air fighting with Inquista is now impacting with down jets and further death. Obviously this support would be in the most effective way possible for E. Moreland that is with monetary means.
The Autonomous government of E. Moreland would remain loyal to its crown and must democratically figure out its government. If that leads to a communist democratic government that is the way it will be. The people have a choice.
The Fund again will be managed by a neutral party who will ensure that it is used for the most humanitarian means possible for common citizens most impacted by this conflict. "
