The Wedding of Carlos and Prince Tommy
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Johnny eyerolled. "I'm so fucking sick of not being able to beat people up. Thankfully, I grew up in the nation of passive agressive behavior. I know exactly how to play it."
"You know what, you're right. Eminem sucks and has a small dick! I've seen it personally. No homo!" He laughed and wrapped his arm around Carlos. "You know what, let me help you prep those lady boys for the big show! Let's go meet them backstage."
Carlos and Johnny went to the backstage where BTS was told to be at, which looked more like a male locker room. It smelled like sweat, chocolate scented AXE, hair gel, and had only one shower without a curtain. "Hello lady boys! Uhhh... I mean, hello boys! Me and the big boss are over here to make you uncomfortabl- help you prepare for your show! Since you've just landed from your flight, I think the first thing you should do is shower. Me and Carlos should get clean, too."
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The boys were just preparing for their performance backstage when Carlos and Johnny came to see them.RM: "Oh hey there Sir Carlos, yeah we're preparing for the performance. Congratulations for your wedding. No need for us to take some shower for now, since we already took our shower before our flight."
Meanwhile, V and Jimin were near the door when V notices something wrong after Carlos and Johnny entered the room.
V: (sniffs around) "What in the world is that smell? Smells like european armpits."
Jimin: (whispering) "I think it's them, everyone knows we don't smell bad even if we sweat."While the two discuss, the others prepare for the performance at another part of the room. Jungkook and Suga were practicing the choreography for their latest song "Butter". Jin on the other hand is practicing the choreography for the song "Dynamite".
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"Oh... oh no!" Mikaela panicked. How could she have been so naïve as to set up her Nicoelizian bezzie with someone who recently released a song titled after dairy produce? The scandal this would cause back in Icholasen would be unimaginable. Mikaela could imagine the tabloid headlines already: "DESPERATE Queen Anastasia turns to DAIRY to COPE in REBOUND RELATIONSHIP".
Mikaela took out her phone and began to frantically study the lyrics to the song Butter. After a few seconds, Mikaela lifted up her eyes from her phone and attempted to jumble up an answer. "I mean, he has a song about butter, but, like, uhh, there are so many types of butter alternatives these days. Like coconut butter, you know? There are so many dairy alternatives, and not everything is as it seems. Take J-Hope himself, one day he's a white Inquistan, and the next day he's an Asian. See, you can even turn to alternative races. I mean, we already knew that through Ariana Grande, but still. Luckily, I don't think his song specifies any specific type of butter. I heard that a lot of people who undergo Asianization procedures often develop lactose intolerance, so maybe he's on the same page? Like dairy? Yuck!"
Mikaela smiled and raised her eyebrows, hoping she did enough to salvage the idea to Anastasia, although things probably weren't looking good. Mikaela's phone then began to beep. It was an alarm signaling that the wedding was to begin soon, and that she needed to go to the larger waiting room before heading outside. Mikaela wished Tommy well and the best of luck, planted a kiss on his cheek, before then grabbing Anastasia by her hand and walking alongside her to the larger waiting area.
Inside the room, Mikaela was excited to see BTS as well as her pilot Jimin chilling around. Mikaela smiled and waved at all the boys, before pointing at J-Hope and nudging Anastasia. After further scanning the room, Mikaela spotted Johnny. Mikaela squealed on the inside and grabbed Anastasia's hand very tightly. She began to whisper softly.
"Ani, don't look, but look, that guy over there? Yeah, him, I know him. Not for the right reasons. O-M-G, this is so awks. What's he doing here? I can't believe this."
Mikaela shook her head and took a deep breath before continuing. "Ok, so you know after Juan-Bernardo cheated on me, I was in a dark place, yeah? Well I didn't know what to do, so I was considering getting one of those mail-order brides from Ruthend, but I decided against it, and I instead took Bishop Lallana's advice and I went on this dating site called Comrades Only. It was terrible, the people were very mean. These guys kept asking me me if I read any theory, and so I told them about all the blog posts that I've read that discuss the theories about Avril Lavinge being replaced by her body-double Amanda. They didn't like this kind of theory at all, and they told me that 'it wasn't praxis'. Very rude. So much for the tolerant left. Anyway, so I decided to try Christian Mingle instead, and I came across him.
"Girl, I don't even know where to begin. He asked me what kind of Christian I was, and I told him Orthodox, and he was like, 'is that your the fighting style? All my favourites fight Orthodox', and he kept on going about this thing called MMA for like 45 minutes. I didn't even know what MMA was, so I had to google it. Google told me it was management, accounting and analysis, so I thought he was going on about business stuff, but it turns out it's mixed martial arts. Can you believe? I don't like fighting, except Boxing Day, but that's because there are so many great sales. After listening to him go on and on, and only ever talk about himself, you know what he does? He ghosted me."
Mikaela let go of Anastasia and walked over to V and immediately began to laugh very loudly, as to draw Johnny's attention. V was taken aback and muttered something in Korean, to which Mikaela responded by laughing even more loudly. Mikaela's laughter managed to sound very genuine, as she had a lot of practice laughing at whatever Juan-Bernardo had to say, despite not understanding a single word through his Spanish accent. Mikaela then pulled V to her side, and strutted with him over to Carlos and Johnny.
"Carlos! I'm so happy and excited for you. This is going to be a great ceremony. No spoilers, but your man looks very handsome! Can't wait to see you guys together at the alter!" Mikaela beamed, before then turning her head to Johnny.
"Oh, you look... familiar? Have we met before? Hi, I'm Archbishop Mikaela Kligenberg, and this is my, uhh... boyfriend, V. Yes, yes, my boyfriend, V."
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V was shocked after hearing this. The company is strict about dating and he didn't know what to do. Although the conversation was private, he was quite worried that someone may record it and publish the video. He had two choices, either he talks to Mikaela privately about what happened or he tries to escape by saying that they'll be heading for a practice. Surprisingly, he took the risk and whispered something to Mikaela.
"Umm...Ms Kilgenberg, can we please talk privately for a moment."
Meanwhile, the other members practice for their performance. RM noticed that V was still not there and wondered where he went. He knew that Anastasia took V while they were on their way to the practice. After a few moments, excused himself for a moment from the practice to look for V as it was almost time. The remaining members proceeded to practice.
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Mikaela giggled as V whispered to her, pretending he was saying something cheeky. Mikaela batted her eyes before announcing, "Oh, you flirt! Ok, Carlos, we'll be right back, my BOYFRIEND just cannot get enough of me."
Mikaela walked with V to the corner of the room, and then began speaking to him a hushed tone. "Ok, look, I know I'm putting you on the spot, but I need a favour. You see that man over there with Carlos? Well, he's called Johnny, and he ghosted me on Christian Mingle. Now I'm in an awkward predicament seeing him here. I can't have him think that I'm still single. So I need you to pretend to be my boyfriend. We're not actually dating, but you need to pretend that we are. Think of this as an acting opportunity. You were so great in Hwarang: The Poet Warrior Youth, I'm sure you can pull this off. Your objective is to make him as jealous as possible. Can you do that for me, pretty please?"
Mikaela smiled, and before letting V answer, let out another hysterical laugh to regain Johnny's attention. Mikaela tugged on V's shirt, pulled him along and paraded back to Carlos and Johnny. "Ah, where were we? We were getting acquainted, right?"
-
V was unprepared for the situation. But surely, he's ready for acting anytime.
"Ok Ms. Kligenberg, but I'm worried this might cause a scandal if anyone hears and misunderstands this. I might lose my job if that happens, so please be careful. And don't worry, I think I know some people you could actually date with if you want."He went back to Carlos and Johnny with Mikaela with his great acting skills. Like a Hwarang, his charisma was just very different at that moment.
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Johnny was fucking annoyed yet again. "Ugh, why can't I just beat everyone I don't like up. For the love of Sylvester Stallone!" His plan to make the BTS ladyboys uncomfortable wasn't as successful as he wanted it to be, but he wasn't going to give up. "I just need to find a way to get them out of here without being persecuted for mass murder... again."
When Johnny saw Mikaela, he was inwardly shocked. "Ah, that bitch from Christian Mingle that said she only goes to second base on the first date. A time waster. What the fuck is she doing here?" But in spite of his inward shock and disdain, he showed no emotion outwardly. Like a real man.
"Oh, so she's an Archbishop, eh? You know, when Aleksandra got pregnant with Archbishop Craticus, she lost her position as a Queen. But I feel that things will have a very different ending if I knock up a woman Archbishop. I think it's time to continue the long standing tradition of Red Croatians getting head from Inquistan religious figureheads. Mwahahaha!"
Without hesitation, Johnny came over to Mikaela and seductively grabbed her. "Mikaela, my dearest! I have been looking for you for so long! Ever since I saw your picture on Christian Mingle, I had this feeling that you were the right woman for me, but I was scared! Petrified, even! I was so immature and scared of love, but I won't let it happen again! I went to therapy, paid Shallon Lester 40 dollars for a question about you, read all of your Ambitious Babe Inc. posts, and researched my toxic male psychology with the help of Cosmopolitan! Please, my love, give me a second chanc,e, I will never break your heart again!"
-
While this was going on, Carlos and Tommy returned to their respective dressing rooms to get ready.
Tommy was getting ready with Anastasia... they then broke into the song : Slipping Through My Fingers, from the Hit Musical, Mamma Mia.
"Anastasia, will you..." Tommy said, "will you... give me away ?"
"Yeah..." Anastasia said, and they resumed their song.
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Mikalea was taken aback and stunned by Johnny's advances. He certainly wasn't a gentleman, and Mikaela was less than pleased in the way that he approached her. Despite this, Mikaela was too forgiving and empathetic for her own good, and decided to overlook these facts. After all, Mikaela had endured far worse. She gently moved out of Johnny's grasp.
"We met on Christian Mingle? Ohhh, that's right," Mikaela acted. "I do kinda remember, actually, I think. Well, I am a taken woman now."
Mikaela put her hand on V's shoulder. "It's good though that you're working on yourself. I love Shallon Lester, that was definitely $40 well spent. Last time I was here in Ibiza, I met her, and she told me that my fiancée could not be trusted, and you know what? She was right. Shallon is always on the money. Thank you for recognising my Ambitious Babe Inc. posts, not enough people appreciate those. People always tell me those are fiat 500 girl posts, but I completely disagree."
The Archbishop glanced at V, before then glancing back at Johnny. "Well, boys, it looks like you are both pursuing the same girl. You know what this means? There's only one way to settle this. You will have to compete against each other in a series on challenges tonight, judged by moi. After the wedding ceremony, we will begin with a dance battle."
Bishop Karinn Lallana rode the waves of the Mediterranean sea on her jet ski, while a handsome young man rode on the back of her vehicle. As a large wave approached her, she revved her jet ski's engine and tackled the wave, riding it perfectly, before then launching into the air and performing a front flip. After performing various other impressive acrobatic tricks with her jet ski, she rode the waves all the way to the shore of the beach where the wedding ceremony would be taking place.
Bishop Lallana and the young man got off from the jet ski. The young man immediately began to tease the Bishop, and then ran down the beach. Bishop Lallana smiled and then burst into a seemingly-choregraphed performance of Does Your Mother Know, from the Hit Musical, Mamma Mia.
"Little boys who play with fire get their fingers burned!" the Bishop announced as she strutted down the beach, before then climbing on a nearby beach chair. "You're so hot teasing me, so you're blue but I can't take a chance on a boy like you!"
While performing a dance on the beach chair, the Bishop exercised her vocal pipes. "Now you're so cute, I like your style, and I know what you mean when you give me a flash of that smile - smile! But boy you're only a child!"
About three dozen young men then emerged from the ocean in snorkeling gear. The men removed their gear and got down in nothing but their extra-short swimwear. They then moved to the centre of the beach where they began a well-choregraphed dance. Bishop Lallana dived from the beach chair into the crowd of men, where she was caught and then passed around like a rockstar who had dived into an audience.
"Well, I can dance with you honey, if you think it's funny, does your mother know that you're out? And I can chat with you baby, flirt a little maybe, does your mother know that you're out?" the Bishop continued to sing, now receiving the backing vocals from the choir of men.
After a stellar performance, the Bishop received a standing ovation from the crowd. Bishop Lallana collected herself, quickly went inside to the reception hall to get dressed into a more appropriate outfit for the wedding ceremony, and then remerged outside.
The Bishop was ready to officiate the wedding. While there was nothing that the Bishop detested more than monarchies and flagrant displays of capitalism, she knew that Tommy was now a red-pilled prol, and after becoming the first Bishop to officiate a gay wedding in Inquista, she knew that she had to what was necessary for God and the Gays here in Ibiza as well.
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"Ah, not this time wasting bitch again. I gave her a sobby fake monologue that I needed 2 seconds to think of! What more does she want from me before she lets me fuck her?" Johnny was furious. He wanted to beat her and her boyfriend up, but he contained dhis agression and decided to channel it productively. "Excuse me for a moment."
Johnny went to the main stage and decided to sabotage V's part of the BTS performance. "You pussy stealing pussy, I won't let you get away with this..." When the band finally end up on stage, V will get an unpleasant surprise.
When Johnny came back, he decided to shit out a new excuse just to get Mikaela off of him. "My beloved, I'm so sorry, I realized I'm not good enough for you after all. I'm the problem, not you! I will always regret losing you and miss you forever, but I will never be able to compete for you. Stay with your current boyfriend, my beloved, but know that I will cry for you every night. I'll never forget the day I saw you on Christian Mingle. I love you, I truly do."
-
She was exhausted. Anyone would be, if they had worn a dress, with bustle, made entirely of (artificial) onions, for ten hours. On top of that was the crown and the scepter, themselves made entirely from onions; she felt as though she was about to collapse.
She, alongside three others, the main cast of The Village, were to perform the whole of Season 2, Episode 1, of The Village, adapted, of course, for the stage - they were to be the first, of course, to see it.
Their departure had taken place under less-than-legal conditions. The four of them had, two weeks prior, had to go to the musty and crowded office, with beige walls and suspended ceiling (complete with flickering lights!) of a mousy old lady off 24th. They gave their passports to her, and about a week later, they went back again to find the necessary exit visas in them. They had had to pay a fortune to her, as had many others; at this point, it was more than likely that she had, in an instant, become a millionaire. No easy task, especially without exploiting anyone, save for those who had come to her for the forgeries.
They had then attempted to use those exit visas to cross a land border at a one-lane (but very, very crowded) road. The minibus they had taken with many others attempting to flee the country at one point was very nearly run off the road as a result of the number of people and the increasing frustration of those behind.
She remembered the great, ancient trees on either side of the road, at the top of an earthen wall, rising from the forest floor, blanketed in a sea of browned needles; being thrust towards them, and suddenly, at the last critical moment, being jerked back, away from them, to face the road and the endless minibuses and bicycles - and yes, the occasional car - ahead of them.
All the time, all of them were nervous wrecks - not just the four of them, but all of those in the minibus. The occupying forces were colonizers in the eyes of the vast majority, so hated that anyone who dared express even the slightest amount of support for it would be greeted by an angry mob, but at the same time feared beyond anything else.
Everyone, regardless of how real or fake their exit visas were, believed that the possibility that all of them would be arrested and sent to a camp was very, very real.
But at the very last moment, the driver announced that the border had closed, and they headed back, in the chaos again almost being run off the road. Pushed, then pulled, back and forth, and then safe again on that perilously narrow road, snaking into the distance, into the depths of the forest, and then, abruptly, into the city. From one forest, perhaps, to another. Neither was safe; in the depths of both laid animals, monsters, who would in an instant, if they were not careful, snap them up.
Even as they disembarked for home, one by one, a sense of trepidation remained with them. Had they been seen? Did the occupiers, the colonizers, the hordes and the murderous crusaders, know what they had done, how they had crossed the line?
She herself had collapsed on her couch, before tuning in to the Northern Radio. She didn't take it seriously - it was just noise, really to ease her worries. But she still listened carefully, if only for this. If she were to be caught, she would meet a dreadful fate.
That made up the first three of the hours; two and a half on the journey, and a half listening.
As Liiv reached the climax of yet another one of his racist tirades ("They, the animalistic Vards - they shall kill us all! Lust is the only emotion that they know, the underhumans! The only force that inhabits their deformed brains, their deformed minds, the only force that compels them, and the force that they listen to and obey without apprehension! They want our blood, they want to feast on it, they will do everything for it!") she received a call from Makketis. One of they four; he played Kesurek, but more importantly had been a member of the National Assembly (sick on the day of the arrest) and thus the least likely of them to be able to get out legally. A person who was totally the opposite of the character he was most famous for playing, yes, but that was true for all of them, and regardless it was relatively common.
They wouldn't be able to leave through any of the approved exits, he said - he had been informed that his exit had been forbidden. There was no way to know, of course, for sure - the J-TAI was remarkably opaque in these matters - but the source - he always said "the source," maybe because (and it was in all likelihood true) someone else was listening - was reliable, reliable enough to at the very least be worried.
He asked her to meet him at his apartment; she went, taking her bicycle, instead of trying to hail a minibus.
That made up about a quarter of the fourth hour, but for far too much of the exhaustion. She still expected to be leaving soon, and thus was still wearing the onion getup; until one has worn an onion dress and bicycled through a busy city for oneself, one cannot know how tired one becomes from doing so.
However, as always, when she arrived, she was amazed at two things:
- the miniscule size of the apartment (13! square meters)
- however Makketis managed to keep all of his belongings out of sight in that 13 square meters
The others were there, in the hallway (not enough room inside). Makketis was at the door.
They had to walk, and try to swim the border, he said. No other choice - they would be found otherwise, and detention, likely without trial, in a camp was an unpleasant thought.
It was dangerous; but getting out and seeking political asylum in Spain for their roles in criticizing the J-TAI, after this, was a comforting idea.
She nodded along, and so, hours later, in Ibiza, here she was, behind a stage, with Kirtrut (the Queen's Most Loyal Servant) and Vistek (the Director of Distribution of Onions) and Makketis (Kesurek, Minister to the Queen) wet and exhausted after that odious ordeal and the long flight to Spain, a group of...Kaasians? Reitzmic descendants of immigrants from Dromund Kaas? chattering before her.
No one else seemed to care; Kirtrut was practicing the violin in the corner as Vistek and Makketis spoke excitedly about increasingly raunchy topics.
Knowing that, dressed in a costume of onions , she, of all of them looked strangest (Kirtrut was wearing a simple "peasant's" dress, while both Vistek and Makketis wore blue coats), she went up to them and glowered. Perhaps they would be intimidated; perhaps they would simply be made uncomfortable; regardless, in either case, they would go.
She had time enough, it was obvious, to wait; they were already well-prepared, so none of the usual hassle was really necessary. They would perform soon enough; then, of course, they could go and request asylum, or perhaps only Makketis - he was the only one of them who was actually in direct danger, really.
-
NB: The Bishop Lallana parts were written by @Inquista
Everyone was silenced, brought down to the beach, and the wedding ceremony could begin. Carlos stood at the altar, which was a foldable table with a Ibiza branded table-cloth.
(Inquista part)
Bishop Lallana raises her hands and gestures toward the congregation. “Welcome Comrades in Christ. Please be seated.”
“Thank you all for being here on this very special occasion, in celebration of what truly keeps us together: unions. Unions are the backbone of our societies, our economies, and of course, our families. It is only through unions that we, as individuals, realise our potential and worth, as a collective. We come here today, as a collective, in solidarity with the union of Prince Tommy and Carlos. Before we bear witness to this beautiful union, let us pray.”
“Lord, bless these hard-working members of the proletariat with love and hope we pray. Keep alive forever more the vows they will pledge today. May you bless them in their ability to work and be productive members of their homelands, and keep them always safe and on the path towards socialism. May peace and joy be with them now on this their wedding day. Awomen.”
“Dearly beloved members of the proletariat, blood-sucking members of the bourgeoisie, and class-traitor criminals, we are gathered here today in Marxist matrimony, to witness the union of Prince Tommy and Carlos. This is a union not to be taken lightly, and one that will require many 5-year plans to be met and fully realised. Marriage, much like patriotism to one’s class, is indeed an obligation. The grooms have each prepared their vows, which I ask that they read now. Tommy, Carlos.”
(ooc: my part 😎 )
Tommy started his vows :
"In the life of a homosexual addicted to cocaine, one gets few chances to love. But Carlos has given me -- Europe's biggest crackwhore -- a chance to love. A love that I aim to repay fully - both in blow, and the other type of blow -- bubbles.
Friends, gay Nicki Minaj personas called Roman.... fellow Countrymen, this marriage represents more than a love between two people with a huge age difference, but a love across the European Union -- we are different nationalities, but we are united.
Our marriage will end xenophobia."
(the crowd erupted to a thunderous applause at the news that xenophobia would soon perish)
"Carlos, te amo papi."
Carlos then started his vows:
"Tommy, you are the shrimp to my paella, the taco to my nachos, the bull to my animal cruelty; we are as inseparable as Catalonia and the rest of Spain, as England and the rest of Spain, as Greece and the rest of Spain, as New York and the rest of Spain -- you get the picture.
As a mediterranean, I know what passion is, and we have it. Like the rocks under the hot sun, we exude the fire of life.
I have had ups and downs in my career - losing Eurovoice by just one point. I know that through the ups and downs, the ins and outs, and the sides to sides, you will be there with me.
Tommy I am so happy to marry you."
(Inquista part)
“Tommy, do you take Carlos to be your eternally paramount husband? Do you promise to love, honour, cherish, and protect him as you would for your socialist Nicoleizian homeland, forsaking all others, and holding only unto him forevermore?"
"I do"
“Carlos, do you take Tommy to be your eternally paramount husband? Do you promise to love, honour, cherish, and protect him better than those who robbed you in EuroVoice, forsaking all others, and holding only unto him forevermore?"
"I do"
“Prince Tommy and Carlos will now exchange rings as symbols of their love and commitment to one another, and in celebration of the many Nicoleizian miners, smelters and ring smiths who are indispensable members of the working-class fabric of their nation."
“Tommy, please place the ring on Carlos’ left hand and repeat after me: I, Tommy, take you, Carlos, to be my eternally paramount husband, to love you forever on this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in revolution or in resistance, according to God and Marx’s Holy words, forever and always, xoxo gossip girl.”
"I, Tommy, take you, Carlos, to be my eternally paramount husband, to love you forever on this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in revolution or in resistance, according to God and Marx’s Holy words, forever and always, xoxo gossip girl." Tommy places the ring on Tommy's finger
“Carlos, please place the ring on Tommy’s left hand and repeat after me: I, Carlos, take you, Tommy, to be my eternally paramount husband, to love you forever on this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in revolution or in resistance, according to God and Marx’s Holy words, forever and always, xoxo chica chismosa.”
"I, Carlos, take you, Tommy, to be my eternally paramount husband, to love you forever on this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in revolution or in resistance, according to God and Marx’s Holy words, forever and always, xoxo chica chismosa." Carlos then places the ring on Tommy's finger.
“You may now kiss the groom.”
(kiss)
"Congratulations, you are now married. May your union be as prosperous, glorious and everlasting as the Union of Nicoleizian Socialist Republics.”
(OOC: Moi again)
The guests were then invited to eat the food on offer, to socialise and mingle, and to make use of the beach and its miscellaneous facilities.
-
Mikaela tried her best not to cry during the beautiful marriage ceremony, but she couldn't help herself. It was such a sweet and tender wedding, and both Carlos and Tommy looked like two beautiful lovebirds. Mikaela was simply too much of a romantic to stop herself from crying from the sidelines. The Archbishop's make up streaked across her face, and she looked like a hot mess. Mikaela was in a hurry to find a bathroom shortly after the wedding ceremony was complete, so she could touch up on her make up and look stunning in the post-ceremony pictures.
Mikaela had organised for the photographer who snapped the scandalous pictures of Severina to take the pictures at the wedding. After posing with Tommy, Carlos, Anastasia and a few other guests, Mikaela felt satisfied with the amount of Instagram content she would have for the days to come.
After snapping some pictures and mingling with some guests, it was finally time for Mikaela to address her final order of business: her suitors. Mikaela had originally thought it would be cute for V (or any member of BTS) to have a dance battle with Johnny, but she decided that she wanted to be surprised by their talents instead, and opted for a variety show.
The reception room had been converted into a small auditorium, where 4 chairs faced a stage. Mikaela decided she needed some input from her close confidants on the matter, so she invited Tommy, Carlos, and the most dangerous critic she knew, Paloma Faith, to join her on the panel of Mikaela's Suitors Got Talent.
Whenever the suitors were ready, they could present any sort of performance of their liking, hoping to woo the judging panel.
