EU Come Dine with me (Group One)
-
Prince Tommy was sat down at the Romanov Bar and Grill
So the starter is a cruelty-free grapefruit with black pepper - honestly I love a grapefruit - I was very familiar with them when I was a young man - though those grapefruits really took a beating -- definitely NOT cruelty free. Fruit is also always fun - my nickname in highschool was fruit - I really can't think why I never got my 5 a day - unless that 5 a day was MDMA, coke, weed, alcohol and meth - am I right? Tommy laughs awkwardly as none of the camera crew relates to his drug battered past.
The main looks really lovely - I love flat tummy tea soup and I love instant noodles. I lived off of instant noodles at college -- among other salty things. I hope Mikaela will put an Inquistan spice on that beautiful classic meal. So wholesome! Just like a mama used to make. Flat tummy tea soup is interesting - I wonder what makes your tummy flat. I really hope it isn't mild laxatives as the Nicoleizian stomach is already rather sensitive - what with the lactose intolerance and all.
Now I don't like dark chocolate. I just don't. However, I think maybe the mix with white chocolate will make it less bitter. But that's okay, Mikaela can't help being bitter. She's really really bitter about so many things. I know we've squashed the beef but I think she's vegetarian so I don't know. There's no meat in this menu - which I think might annoy some people. But I'm fine with that - I need to maintain my soyboy cuck figure. Of course dairy might be a problem - but like I've done coke in a New Birmingham nightclub toilet - among other things I've tasted in that cultural city - so there's not much I would turn down. Even if it has adverse affects on my health!
Tommy arrives at the house with a bottle of wine from Chalons, Icholasen. He knocks on the door.
'Hey baby girl!' He exclaims and walks into the Villa. They greet each other and Tommy gives Mikaela the wine. Tommy then walks into the main area where the meal will be held, and
-
"I think it's very cute that you invited the Queen of Red Croatia on the show, and you expect me to..." Irene gagged at the thought of eating. "...do the E word. Disgusting." Once she was told what the first meal will be, she was unimpressed. "Gluten free? Cruelty free? I don't believe in free things, bro. I only eat food that's gluten rich and cruetly rich. Get it together, bro."
Upon her arrival, Irene didn't even bother greeting MIkaela. She pretended to have to go to the bathroom and started snooping around Mikaela's humble home. "I knew that she said her home is humble, but only ten guest bathrooms? This is positively medieval."
She immediately went to look for Mikaela's bedroom, keeping an eye out for a door that had some tacky decoration on it to give out that Mikaela inhabits it.
-
Confessionnal
'So basically Queen Irene arrived and I love her but she's just left me here with Mikaela. I really don't know what we're going to be talking about. I kind of think that it'll be a weird vibe with Irene because I actually haven't seen her eat anything since 1997 - and that was half a graham cracker.'
In the room
'So I like your curtains - do they match the drapes?'
-
Mikaela wondered where Queen Irene had gone, after she escaped from her view and disappeared from the main lounge. A shiver suddenly went down Mikaela's spine as she remembered something very incriminating: she's left up her fan posters of El Trisha up in her bedroom.
Confessional
"Oh no! I just remebered that I let up posters of my favourite drag king, El Trisha, up in my beedroom! I hope she doesn't see them!"El Trisha was an outlaw in Red Croatia, mostly because she was well over the maximum weight limit allowed in the country, and also because she occasionally dressed like a lesbian who wondered out of a concentration camp.
Mikaela began to pace around as she talked to Tommy, who was looking at her rather uncomfortably. "Yes, the curtain matches the drapes... both in quantity and quality. Long, silky smoothe drapes."
Mikaela paused,look around the room before then turning to Tommy again. "Everything's pink, Tommy. Anyway, do you mind keeping an eye on the door and welcoming people as they arrive? I need to, err, get rid of some things."
Mikaela suddenly bolted up the stairs and ran to her bedroom. Mikaela gasped as she walked inside and Irene was already there waiting, staring at the poster.
"My bedroom door says 'pop princesses only'!" Mikaela yelped in embarrassment as she held up a crudely drawn poster that she made and hung up on her bedroom door. "You need at least one Teen Choice Award to be in here."
-
"You have to win a Teens Choice Award to be in here? Fine, then let me earn my right to be here." She opened up her pink flip phone and called up the Teens Choice Awards committee. After a brief conversation, she turned the TV on to see the Teens Choice Awards, hosted by Hulk Hogan, starting.
"Ladies and dudes, welcome to the 50th annual Teens Choice Awards, where we pick out 24 children to fight to the deat- wait, wrong show. Tonight, nomiated for The Craziest Bitch Award we have... Queen Irene!" The cvrowd cheered. "And the girl who sang the original version of Big Booty!" The crowd cheered even louder.
The cameras started broadcasting Irene and Mikaela, waiting for them to demonstrate their insanity for a chance to win. "I lost Best Butt Slap to HIlary Duff last year, so don't count on me to lose this one too. You first, bro."
-
"Oh? Me? I haven't done anything crazy..." Mikaela announced shyly, pushing her hair behind her ear with an innocent gaze. Mikaela then very quickly rushed to the wall, ripped the El Trisha poster down and immediately placed it in Queen Irene's hands.
"What's this that Queen Irene is holding?" Mikaela questioned as she pointed at the El Trisha poster that Queen Irene was holding. Mikaela looked directly into the camera that was filming them, gasped, and then covered her mouth in pretend shock. "How embarrassing!"
-
"You really tried it this time, bro." Irene opened up her flip phone and had a brief conversation once again.
"Hope ya'll are ready for a crossover episode, bros." Suddenly, the hosts of Property Brothers arrived to Mikaela's room. "Let's turn this bedroon... into a glitter room." Suddenly, huge renovations took place at the room and it transofrmed completely. Everything became Jennifer Lopez themed.
Posters of El Trisha were replaced with posters of JLo. "Oh, look what we have here" Irene giggled as she handed Mikaela a ppster of JLo showing her ass that was autographed. "From one fat ass to another. Love and digestion, JLow. Xoxo!"
-
Confesional
This bitch left me down here for no reason - I'm not going to host for her - I have better things to do. I'm going to see what they're up to up there. I really hope it isn't lesbianism - I can't handle that. I really can't. It's Halloween season - I've seen enough scary gaping holes this month on TV.
In the room
Tommy climbed the stairs but was trampled by the property brothers. One of them looked back at him and winked - 'I should get his snapchat...' Tommy thought.
Tommy entered the JLo inspired room and admitted that it was actually pretty tasteful. 'What is going on? Also do you have a tray I can do my coke off of?'
-
Mikaela gasped for real this time. She admired the good handiwork done by the Property Brothers, who really knew how to bang, hammer and nail their way through a renovation. Ever since Mikaela and JLO made their amends, and released a Spanglish version of WAP together, Mikaela has truly admired JLO and her booty. Prime Minister Cerna of Czech Slavia recently recommended that Mikaela put up pictures of people she admires, and Mikaela was keen to put up pictures of JLO, which Queen Irene has now organized for her.
Mikaela clapped in excitement and gave Queen Irene a tight hug, in thanks for the excellent renovation. "Ever since that time you punched me in the face in front of the Queen of Montenbourg, or used my private jet to implicate me in an international human trafficking incident in Ibiza, I knew I could always count on you to be a good friend."
Mikaela then took out her credit card and handed it to Tommy.
"Use this credit card... to go the nearest store and buy yourself a drink, because I don't keep coke in the house. A tray for coke? How silly," Mikaela laughed.
Mikaela grabbed Tommy by his hand and drew him in close. Mikaela put one arm around Tommy, one arm around Irene, and held them tightly as the Property Brothers then flanked them on the sides.
"Irene definitely deserves this Teen Choice Award. She absolutely deserves it. Grace us with acceptance speech, queen!"
-
Confessional
"Yeah, of course I'll be stylishly late. One of the many perks of my job is to be able to be fashionably late. As for this menu... cruelty-free grapefruit? Cruelty-free, that doesn't sound like me -- eh, cut that, could you cut that? Also, what are instant noodles? The dessert doesn't sound too bad actually, although I'm not 100% sure what 'cannolis' is -- is that a type of cheese?"
Artabanos arrives at the house in His personal car, a relic from His days in Astro.
"Ah... such... stylish decor, Mikaela. Lovely to see you, Irene, it has been such a long while - still under the weight limit, I see?" -- Confessional: Artabanos raises His eyebrows -- "What on earth is going on in your house, Mikaela? I knew this was a dinner party, but... the Property Brothers hosts? Dear oh dear."
Artabanos could be seen in the corner of the shot, huddling over Himself, clutching his breast pocket and taking a large gulp from a silver flask.
"Why is there no poster of me in this room, Mikaela? Ah, I see you're busy... the Teen's Choice Awards? Right. Not enough hot guys for me, but there we are. When is dinner happening? Should've brought my snack pack."
-
Confessional:
I really hadn’t noticed just how bald Artabanos was until right then. Like he’s so so bald. I wonder what kind of soap he uses on his scalp....
—-
Tommy greeted Artabanos ‘I can’t believe I haven’t won a Kid’s Choice Award. I mean I didn’t want one until 5 minutes ago but still. I’m like 2 degrees of separation from Eurovoice royalty and royalty royalty! That means I should get these things for free. Also, I heard about your crash, how’s your head?’
-
Irene teared up as she walked over to receive her Teens Choice Craziest Bifch award. "Oh my Mariah, I can't believe this is happening! I've dreamed of this moment my whole last 5 minutes. I am truly humbled and grateful."
"First of all, I would like to say you're welcome to God for allowing him to create me. I wanna say you're welcome to these bum ass shows I'm participating in right now for giving them their ratings and, last but not least, you're welcome mum for how I allowed your vagina to be graced by my presence when I was making my worldwide debut."
She walked off to a corner and went to the YouTube video that showed her speech. She gave it a thumbs up before arguing in the comments with everyone who said Mikaela was robbed.
In the meantime, Hulk Hogan announced a new category. "And now, nominated for the Thirtiest Slut award are... Prince Tommy and Emperor Artabanos! Show us what you got, boys." The crowd cheered, hoping to see another spectacle.
-
Tommy, via zoom, said 'thank you for nominating me for this prestigious prize while we wait for the other guests to arrive at our dinner party. I think I should be the thirstiest slut because I have drank my weight over three times in Nicoleizian onion vodka (which makes one very thirsty), and I have had over 1,000 sexual partners. Right now, I'm in an open relationship with a Eurovoice 2nd placer - who doesn't mind that I cuck him with Sahwari men nearly every day. Our engagement is going really well - we're thinking of getting a dog. I think if I don't win, the Teen Choice Awards would crumble as I am clearly much more of a thirsty slut than the Emperor.'
-
Heraing Tommy talk about him dating an Eurovoice second place winner got Irene thinking. She rememberd that her country, as usual, was fashionably late to cast their Eurovoice votes, and that she could use this to her advantage. She walked over to Tommy and whispered in his ear. "If you help me sabotage all the other Come Dine With Me stars and let me win this stupid show, I'll make sure Icholasen gets 12 points this time. Msrrakechia may suck so bad that I have no guilt about taking Sahara away from them, but they know their stuff when it comes to rigging irrelevant shit."
-
'You know I would whore myself for Eurovoice glory - I'll do it. Why don't we go down to the kitchen and pour hot chili into Mikaela's flat tummy soup?'
The two snuck downstairs and Tommy got out his chili flakes which he always carries around with him - à la Hillary Clinton. He then proceeded to pour it into the Tummy Tea. 'Is there anything else we can do?'
-
"You figure it out on your own, bro. I'm gonna fill this ballot up real quick." Irene sat down at the kitchen table, pulled out a granola bar and proceeded to eat it one tiny bite at a time. As she was filling up the ballot, she managed to eat one fourth of it. "Damn it, I ate too much. I'll have to puke it out later."
"Ok, I absolutely don't have the fucking time to listen to all of this bullshit. Let's just play favorite. Icholasen, 12 points. The only thing better than sending an actually good entry is helping me in my petty pursuits. What the fuck are even these other countries?
Inquista gets none of my points, just like they get none of my Sahara.
Angleter also gets zero for being unfashionably late to this dinner. I understand the desire to avoid being in a room where there will be food, but come on.
Menmiriak or however you spell it.. Your country's name starts with the word men? One point, and only because there are worse contenders.
Conch Kingdom? Why not Queendom? Two points for this blatant lack of misandry in their name.
Union of Duchies? I've heard of celebrity kids who have better names, Three points.
No foaga? My name is no, my sign is no, my number is no, but my foaga? Four points.
Reitzmag and Austria... I'll give Reitz six and Austria five because if the German speakers go to war again, I'd rather side with the country whose name reminds of a dinner at the Ritz.
Ruthund? If it was Ruthbaderginsburg they'd get ten, but this way it's seven.
Fermet gets eight because I can actually kinda recognize this name.
Spain gets ten because they deserve a consoltation prize for dealing with that fat bitch El Trisha. And there we have it."Irene sent her Eurovoice votes and then took a selfie she put on her Instagram story."Just finished listening to all the Eurovoice entries! I'm so inspired by all of this new music I just heard! #SoMuchTalent"
