EUROVOICE 39 RESULTS SHOW
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Peter Montfort, former Chairman of EuroVoice, European Councillor, and European Commissioner, and recently-appointed Chairman of the Angleter for Europe campaign, had put a lot of time and effort into his costume, choosing to go as what he considered a truly terrifying concept.
It was something of a relief for Peter to be back in Europolis. The first few days of the campaign hadn't been great. The narrative that he was only fighting to save Angleter's EU membership because it had given him a succession of well-paid jobs over several years was proving difficult to fight, not least since it was mostly true.
In fact, he felt like giving a little abuse back for once. Clocking one attendee in a hyper-realistic costume, he shouted "OI, SIMON BRIDGES! WANKER!" as he headed towards the bar.
At the bar, Peter started talking to Tobias Johnson Farage. "Good job that wasn't actually Bridges, huh?"
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Natzeldu arrived at the Haunted Chateau after an exhausting flight. But nevertheless, Natzeldu was more energetic than ever as this was the first Eurovoice she has gone to in person for a few years. She was a busy woman. Natzeldu thought she would bring her mask as well for a theatrical effect. She saw Mikaela Kligenberg and all of her aesthetic glory. Natzeldu loved a girl in a uniform. She walked up to Mikaela Kligenburg and said her signature greeting, "Hey, how are you?"
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ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK: Welcome to a macabre evening of Eurovoice festivities. When yours cruelly was invited to host this most prestigious of shows, I thought to myself, get in ! I'm sure the fans of this show are straight, eligible bachelors ! Elvira looks at Prince Tommy how wrong I appear to have been... Of course this is a very serious competition and we have some Eurovoice royalty here - Peter Montfort is dressed as the scariest thing imaginable: Angleterexit ! I shudder to think what the EU will do without Nick Knowles. Truly a cruel era of hardship that will be. We also have the troll under the bridge here Elvira rereads her notes Oh wait, Simon Bridges ! Basically the same thing. #BeastMode. Mikaela Kligenberg is among us -- the only woman in this room with a pair of pumpkins rivalling mine - sorry Anastasia.
But let's get on with the show. We've had some haunting entries. Some were truly despicable - cough Angleter. Our first stop for results is Fremet, with Betty White hiding up in the alien attic. I hope the aliens are kind to old people from places that begin with F by the sea. Betty, can we please have your first votes ?
ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK: What a septet of votes. Loving the horns, Betty !! Could we now have your 8 points ?
ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK: That's a very spooky 8 points for Spain ! Can we get your 10 points now ?
ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK: The Joint Nicoleizian Eurovoice Team has received 10 points ! Wow. Thanks Fremet ! And now can we get your 12 points ?
ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK: Thanks for your votes Betty ! I hope she's having a hoot in the alien attic !
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ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK: Welcome back ! We now go to Madame Marco who is currently in the Haunted Chateau's Crypt. I wonder if any of my exes are down there...
ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK: Could we now have your 8 points ?
ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK: And now your 10 points.
ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK: And now the biggest, juiciest 12 points.
ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK: Let's now check the leaderboard !
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Elvira Mistress of the Dark: We have some more ghoulish results !
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'Spain and the Union of Duchies known as 2 of the most corrupt EV places in the EU cannot be responsible for engineering the outcome of a Eurovoice race, a very important Eurovoice race. They're going forward, they don't want anyone watching them as they count the douze points. I don't know why, if it's straight they should be proud of it but instead they're trying obviously to commit fraud.' Paloma Faith lamented, to a bored Mikaela Klingenberg as the results from those two places looked dismal for Icholasen's Eurovoice chances.
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'Our goal is to defend the integrity of eurovoice we will not allow the corruption to steal such an important Eurovoice or any Eurovoice for that matter and we, uh, we can't allow anyone to silence our voters.' Paloma Faith said to a confused Peter Montford.
'We are closing in on announcing a winner' Elvira Mistress of the dark said to the gathered congregation of devout Eurovoice stans. 'We only have 2 countries left to vote, Icholasen and the Conch Kingdom. This means that Icholasen's lead will likely shrink.'
'FRAUD' Paloma Faith shouted.
'Um, chile, anyway.' Elvira Mistress of the Dark said.
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ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK: Well folks, with just the Conch Kingdom left to declare, we have Spain in the lead with 73, Red Croatia and Mennrimiak both coming 2nd (we've all been there ladies), Icholasen on fourth with 65, and Sinquista on 5th with 62 votes.
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ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK: Well, we have a winner ! Congratulations Spain on this ooky spooky win. Where will Eurovoice be next ? London or Madrid or New York or Athens or Rome or Barcelona, (Elvira takes a long, deep, exasperated breath) ooooor Edinburgh or Gibraltar or Berlin or Paris or Lisbon or San Juan ? We'll have to see !! Commiserations to Mennrimiak on losing so closely, but at least your nation won't have to spend millions of Euros on some rando competition !
And so we're at the end of the Halloween season. Me and Mariah Carey are running the most important November transition team - from Halloween to Christmas. I'll see you next year, ghouls ! But for now, Mariah, take it away.
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The Spread Sheet (Oh behave!!!) -
"FRAUD!" shouts some fans.
"WE WANT A RECOUNT! SPAIN SHALL SUFFER IN PURGATORY! JUSTICE FOR MENNRIMIAK!" shouted again.
Some members of the crowd climbed the stage dressed in their Halloween costumes and tried to get the award from the Spanish competitor and give it to the Mennrimian or the Inquistan.
Simon walked out on the other hand in disappointment.
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Well, that was it for her. This was her only chance for asylum; later today, while Kurz still had power to do so, she would be deported back to Eastern Haane; back not to the safe places but to those that remained under the control of the Assemblies; she, and thousands of her countrymen, over the next few weeks, would die, simply because she could not win this contest.
She had received the phone-call saying all this from that vampire a few hours ago; she had rushed to board a flight to Europolis, and now was there. She would have to return soon; her provisional alien's passport would expire soon. Vampire - a good word for describing that excuse of a man. He had promised her - promised her! - that she would not be deported if she were able to get at least one 12. But no, now he had changed his mind. She had no use to him, and thus would be expelled from the country.
She replayed that voice, that terrible voice, in her head. "Well, it's goodbye for you!" he had said so cheerfully. "Goodbye for you and all your friends!" He wanted them to die painfully; he did not care for them at all if they could not give him anything. And now - now they would die.
Die, die, die, die, die. Her thoughts were filled with the word, as she imagined the various ways she could die. Perhaps she would be eaten alive; perhaps she would be crucified; who knew?
She did not wear a costume; she had no time to put one on after the call.
She climbed onto the stage, ignoring the fight, ignoring those who were about to speak. Picking up a megaphone carelessly tossed aside by someone she had seen fleeing from the scene, she walked to the front of the stage, and spoke.
"This has," she said, tears welling, "been both an amazing and terrible Eurovoice. One has won; all others have lost. That was an inevitability. I am among those in the latter group, and I...and I accept that gracefully, for I am not a coward. Unlike these people behind me, who fight pettily, refusing to believe that their decision making was perfect, I admit my own flaws, admit my own failings, and attempt to improve."
She paused.
"But I cannot do so, for I am to die within a few hours. I failed here, and for that, I pay with my asylum and my life. In five hours, no longer will I be allowed to remain in Austria; I will be deported, along with hundreds of my countrymen, to Eastern Haane, dropped from high above the plains of its south, where the murderous Assemblies remain in power. Twelve hours from now, I expect that we all in the first batch of deportees will be dead. Eventually, the rest of us will all be deported to that place of evil, the rest of us in Austria, and we will certainly all die, simply because I was not able to captivate Europe. I am a terrible singer, a terrible musician - what else could I be if I was not even able to save my compatriots, my countrymen, from death? I must return now; the provisional passport that the Austrian government has lent me is soon to be revoked. Goodbye, Europe; goodbye forever."
Agnes ran from the stage, out of the chateau, and hailed a taxi to the airport. It was over for her, over forever. All that awaited her was pain and death.
