Commission Debate, Nov 2022
While the debate location was being set up, Patrick was doing a glamorou-... ravishin-... wait, we need more masculine adjectives... a really badass photoshoot at the streets of Europolis to promote his premiership. While he was posing and workin-... eating u-... slayin-... uhhh, fucking up the photoshoot (with positive connocations) he noticed a huge crowd of people walking towards somewhere, which is when he remembered. "Oh shit, I actually have a thingy to do."
But as he looked on at the huge crowd, he noticed that things were becoming problematic. The debate attracted such a huge audience that it became a public hazard, forcing the Europolis police to interfere and control the mess that was occurring. Some people were even getting violent! This debate was gonna be spicy.
When Patrick observed this, he stopped the photoshoot immediately, ripped off his tuxedo jacket and walked over to the line of policemen holding the human stampedo back, held his arms out and yelled out. "Stop! There is no need for this...
I have a Pepsi multipack!
Siri, play politically woke music."
The Kendall Jenner Riot Prevention technique worked effortlessly, as the crowd and the police men cheered with enthusiasm as "We are the lioooooons, we are the chooooooosen, they're gonna knoooooow who we areeee" played in the background. The hug-... giganti-... ginormou-... gargantuan crowd then went on to their designated seats, with many having to sit on the ground because the capacity wasn't able to handle all the people the event attracted.
Patrick strutted in a very masculine way to his podium, where he aggressively gripped teh microphone and started introducing himself while walking around on the stage. He sure as hell was gonna use up every part of the area available to him without sticking to his designated box.
"Look what we're up against. A fat, low value woman who claims to be anti-elitist and anti-spending, but only because she's a broke bitch who would be the first sperm eliminated if we incorporated an eugenics law in the EU.."
"Don't get me wrong, I am not sexist, but this woman is clearly not in tune with her divine feminine, sex symbol, goddess energy. I bet she hasn't even seen How To Marry A Millionaire, let alone Who Framed Roger Rabbit? in order to portray her gender in a positive, acceptable way. All I'm saying is that, and trust me I am not sexist, is that if you are already gonna be a woman... how can you do that without being queen, slay, or even purr? BFFR."
My friends, the Council is out of control, absolutely out of control, a body of fanatics and failures who constantly try to impose their crazed designs on long-suffering Europe. These people, who for too long have had free reign, must be brought to heel before they do any more damage.
The Councillors fear me. They hear my name, see my face, and run in terror. They scream for their guards, scream for their police, scream for God, just at the sight of dear old me, for I am the only one who has ever challenged them, the only one who has ever dared enter their sacred chamber and attempt to bring an end to their disturbed proceedings. Commissioners have come and gone, but never has there been, never will there be, anyone quite like me, someone whose very presence forces the arrogant Council into timid, meek submission.
As for dear Patrick - may I call you Patty? - well, who could ever fear him, this ridiculous figure? Just look at his face! What a vain man, what a vapid man, the sort of man who swaggers about his day before coming home to kneel before his mother, or at least a woman he calls his mother. No one fears such men; no, no! They are all merely laughingstocks, ridiculous peacocks who preen and pose before a giggling audience. Dear Patty here will simply be a joke to the Council, as he is to everyone else, and they'll just go on as they have!
Look at me, look at the chainsaw I hold, remember my reputation, and then look at him, at his plastic face and plastic body, and the oh-so-insecure podcasts he makes to cover up his utter lack of power and dignity. Which of us, do you think, will be better able to control the Council? Who of the two of us would be able to hold it in our thrall; to absolutely terrify it into complete submission to the will of the sovereign and supreme states?
The Council must and will be brought under control. I am the only one here with the balls to do it.
Thank you candidates for your introductory remarks. Now, it's time for questions from the members of the public. While you were all giving your introductory speeches, I was collecting questions from some of these people on the street.
Mr. Al-Wazir, I stopped a random cyclist on the street over there and asked him if he had any questions for you and he just told me to sod off. So I've come up with my own question for you instead. Do you have any specific reforms and specific policies in mind to rebalance the power between bigger and smaller EU states?
Mr. Baitfemme, a blue haired self identifying-lesbian in the audience behind me - there, the butch one behind the traffic cone - has concerns that you do not truly intend to be a premier for all Europeans, and asked if you supported same-sex marriage among women, as well as heterosexual marriage? Also, and this is more so my own personal curiosity, but how would you rank the following groups: straight women, homosexual women, homosexual men with internalized homophobia, homosexual men who accept themselves but are recreational Buddhists, and straight men?
Ms. Bauer, I'm not sure if you can hear the yelling behind me, but people are currently chanting to "lock her up", which are comments I believe to be directed towards you. A young woman named Samantha was wondering if you were prepared to release your full criminal record to the public, and, in your opinion, what past crimes do you regret and which does do you still stand behind? Would you say, in your opinion, that any of past crimes have been wrongly mischaracterized by the public or press?
((OOC: You have ~48 hours to respond to these questions and also to debate the answers of your opponents.))
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Tarek AL-WAZIR :There was a proposed system called double majority and so far two commissions have not looked into properly or implemented it despite calls from larger member states to do so and complaints from larger member states about how they are big contributors but if a few small states just band together then they can overule the biggest contributors. Now I am all for small state power but that is highly unbalanced . With a double majority system a act would have to pass in a majority of nations and nations with a majority of the population of the EU protecting small nations while recognising the importance of a majority of populations voice being relevent also. There were also proposals that countries could distribute their voting power how they like among one representitive or many, now I'd investigate this also to potentially allow for an increase of voices and democracy in the chamber but this would be up to a majority of member states ultimately.
They say a picture speaks louder than a thousand words, ao let me answer with this.
And I have to say, I am deeply offended by the way that ypu phrased your question. The way that you decided to divide homosexual men with internalized homopbia, homoseuxal men who accept themselves but are recreational buddhists and straight men is absolutely criminal! A man is a man. Even if he's a work of fictional (read: heterosexual) he is still a man. This divisiveness is exactly what is Europe's biggest problem.
So yes, I do promise to be the leader of ALL Europeans, not just some.
I promise to lead the hot men, the ugly men, the tall men, the short men, the sexualy active men, the virgin men, the men with taste, the people who don't like Lana Del Rey, the sexy men, the men in their flop eras, the homosexual men, the bicurious men, the manly men, the men going their own way and hell even the incels! My leadership does not discriminate, I am for everybody!
Mr. Al-Wazir, so you believe larger Euorpean states are currently not equal to smaller European states?
Mr. Baitfemme, you dodged the first question. Do you support same-sex marriage among women and heterosexual marriage?
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Mr. Al-Wazir:Yes in terms of representation per capita , I understand why some nations would feel uncomfortable in nations making up not even their population combined being over to overpower them while paying by the far the biggest contributions , on the other hand I understand smaller nations concerns about being overpowered by a few big nations in a purely population voting power based system. If the EU is to survive long terms some sort of double majority compromise whereby a combination of countries making up a majority of the population and also a majority of absolute nations is needed to balance these needs. This principle has worked in many a nation with such imbalances , Duchies is a notable example in this regard with the system ensuring bills need a majority of population and also of duchies need to essentially back a bill for it to pass leading to a balance between the needs of the many and the needs of minorities or in this case smaller nations being met.
What a ridiculous question! Yes, I fully believe in heterosexual marriage and same-sex marriage between women. I think the mentally ill should be treated with kindness and understanding. As a matter of fact, I'm an even firmer believer in heterosexual and lesbian divorce! Now, that's the right way to do it.
I'm fine with all of these things occuring... as long as they don't in Blue Croatia. Ya'll stay safe tho.
Candidates, thank you for your clarifications. While you were answering, I was once again collecting questions from the crowd that have gathered around us here on the street today.
Mr. Al-Wazir, there's a man here, who claims to be homeless, but for some reason is very interested in the European budget. The man was wondering what programs you would like to specifically see get further funding from the EU budget, since you've mentioned you wanted to spend virtually all of the EU's surplus money?
Mr. Baitfemme, a woman in the audience is claiming that your Spotify Wrapped for 2021 was leaked online, and apparently your top five artists for the year were Fifth Harmony, Lizzo, Beyonce, Destiny's Child and Alicia Keys. Your top five songs were Man! I Feel like A Woman, BO$$, Run the World (Girls), Girl on Fire and Superwoman. Can you confirm or deny if this Spotify Wrapped belonged to your account, and what do you have to say to the fact that all of your top artists are women - one of which was also an alleged lesbian circa the early 2000's - and all of your top songs are women empowerment anthems? How do you listen to such music while also spewing such blatant anti-woman vitriol and misogyny?
I quite honestly do not care about my so-called criminal record or my so-called crimes. They mean nothing. Everything I did was for the people and the people alone - and crime or not, that is just, that is right.
The proclamations and prohibitions of detatched elites simply do not exist to me. I refuse to acknowledge them, I refuse to recognize them. The only force on Earth I see as legitimate is that of the will of the masses, and I think everyone here would be wise to do much the same.
There are, regardless, much more important things I'd like to comment on. Dear Patty here seems to like to talk about men. I can't imagine why, given that he shares nothing in common with real men, but he does so nonetheless. And I would really like to question this. How does a person so obviously detatched from masculinity claim to have such affinity for men? How can such a person claim to represent and lead men? He of course does not need to answer these questions, because the answers are very obvious. He absolutely can't. He is merely a pathetic, emasculated charlatan.
Again, look at me, and then look at him. I have lived among the people. I have shared in their suffering and their joy, their misery and their ecstasies. I know them because I am one of them, and I seek at last to become the embodiment of their impassioned, desparate voices. Dear Patty, who surely lives in the penthouse of a woman he calls "mother," has never lived among men, has never experienced what it is like to be a man, and yet now, certainly not out of authenticity but for the sake of his own gratification, claims to represent them.
You have a choice between a fighter and a grifter. I ask you to make it wisely.
Internally, he felt like he was sinking, grasping for air and looking for any possible excuse.
"I wasn't... expecting that question...."
He kept stuttering, in the key of E major.
As he stood in shellshock, he recalled all of the times when he enjoyed the joys of female music. When he was a child and got his mum to buy him a pet snake so he can recreate Britney's Slave 4 U VMA performance, when he seductively break danced thinking he was Beyonce in Crazy in love, when he dropped it low while wearing a pink wig imagining himself as Nicki Minaj and perfectly reciting lines about how this one is for the boys with the boomin system, top down, AC, in the coolin system!
He rehearsed his excuses for if people found out about his clandestine Spotify playlist, but he didn't know that he would be a deer caught in the headlights when it happened. He thought that it would get leaked in the media and then he would have time to gatter his thoughts.
This, however, felt like the equivalent of having your private sex tape being uploaded on a Pornhub livestream right before your eyes, leaving Baitfemme in an absolutely manic state.
"Ha! What lies! That is not what I listen to at all! I am... actually... ummm..."
FUCK. SHIT. DAMN. WHAT THE FUCK DO I SAY
GOD DAMN IT SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCK
"I am... a Kanye West fan! Yes! And to prove it..."
He grabbed his mic and ran to the middle of the stage.
"Sound guy! Play the karaoke track to Runaway! Immediately!"
SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCK OK OK OK Ok Ok ok o k ok o k ok I got this I got this I got this
As the performance was starting, Patrick seemed aggressively confident in what he was doing, though in his state of hysteria (oops, sorry, men don't have those) or uh I mean his state of being in blackout beast mode rage, he lost his focus and started reciting the lyrics to the Nicki Minaj Monster verse with an altered flow that fit this instrumentation.
"PULL UP IN THE MONSTA AUTOBOMILE GANGSTA
WITH A BAD BITCH THAT CAME FROM SRI LANKA
YE IM THAT TONKA COLOR OF WILLY WANKA
YE U CAN BE THE KING BUT WATCH THE QUEEN CONQUER
FIRST THINGS FIRST ILL EAT YO BRAINSSSS
THEN IMMA START ROCKING GOLD TEETH AND FAAAAANGS
CUZ THAT'S WHAT A MOTHERFUCKING MONSTA DO
HAIRDRESSA FROM MILAN THAT'S A MONSTA DO
MONSTER GUISEPPE HEEL THAT'S DA MONSTA SHOOOE"
He kept on going like his life depended on it, and kept repeating the same verse seven times over Runaway's exhaustive 9 minute duration.
The only time he actually stayed loyal to the original interpretation was towards the end, when he started whining into his microphone like a defeated child, sounding exactly like the original author.
What the fuck am I supposed to do
What the FUCK am I supposed to do
God, I know everyone is making fun of me
My secret is out
I'm... a Nicki stan
Pull in the Sri Lanka whaaat?
I'm not who I pretended to be al these years
I am an alpha... yes... but in a fun bad bitch yesss type of way
Not in a keep women in the basement making sandwiches type of way
God, what the fuck am I gonna do
Dear Jesus, WHAT am I gonna do
I need something to cover this up
I can't stay defeated
You know that the world can't keep a good bitch down
I have to do... something
I have to...
Hahahahaehaha yessss sI know exactly what to do
Suddenly, he remembered Nicki Minaj's iconic BET speech that he watched in secrecy, and for the first time it hit him what she really meant.
"You know what... I know what...
I lived so much of my life in fear that people will find out who I really am.
And as I was doing all of this shit right here right now, I was internally praying to just disappear, I literally wanted to die.
And then it hit me... Damn, I'd rng dather sit here and fucking die in front of all of ya'll than what, confess who I really am?
Confess that I enjoy music that I find fun, empwering, strong, incredible?
Ya, ok, I get it, it's not my image
Ye, I got it, sure, fine, whatever, people like want me to act different or something but uh
The realization that I really just wanted to fucking die because I was just showing my real self, but I am still alive... shows that
Imma just do me! YE! IMMA DO ME! And I dont care what anybody else got to say!
I survived! I'm alive!
I'm a SURVIVOR
I'm NOT gon give up
I'm GON work hard
I'll keep on SURVIVIN!
ISTKALEN LADY, WHAT'S GEWD?"
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Tarek Al-Wazir:I would like to see the EDA get more funding and the Space Adminstration needs more so it can actually function. The top priority should be green development. We have literally until 2050 to get to net zero or literally hundreds of millions will die from climate change and 2030 is the ideal target for net zero or some nations in the EU will not exist, think the low lying atoll and coral reef nations who will lost most of their land or suffer having no land. This must be our priority to prevent this , the Caribbean people are not acceptable sacrifices so we can pollute just a little longer.
Thank you, candidates. You may now make your closing statements. This is your final chance to explain to the European people why you deserve to be elected to the European Commission.
Bauer sighed, slowly, looking down at her feet. Her lips curled in a slight smile; she slowly walked to Baitfemme. "There, there," she whispered, gently patting his back. "It's OK, it's OK. You don't have to be scared. Shh, shh." She stayed, for a while, before at last moving back to her pile of boxes.
"Dear Europeans," she said, "one day, perhaps, we will live in a society enlightened and free enough to elect someone such as Patrick here - but that day is unfortunately not yet here. You have lived too long under the yoke of Eurocracy. If it is not cast off, with vigor and speed, you will find yourself forever beneath it. Now is not the time for gentleness and sweetness. It is the time for action, bold, violent, decisive action, and I am the only one in all of Europe with the record and the reputation needed for it."
"Vote for Patrick if you want the yoke. Vote for me if you prefer freedom."
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Tarek prepared and got up to front of the stage to speak: My friends I am sorry for this democratic farce in what is my crowning if one votes for me with no other choice. I recognise my election would not be democratically legetimate and stolen from the nations and people. That is why my first acts will be to consult the nations and ask what they want in a democratic manner to overcome the lack of democracy if I become so called "elected" . If I do become elected please protest , mobilise on the streets, protest your stolen choice and stolen election. Tell the powers that be this is not acceptable have your pro-democracy voices heard. We can force law changes and as a result of this I will prioritise changing the law so that two candidates have to be in an election before it can go ahead an the position will remain unfilled until that is the case so true democracy can win out. I will also look at lengthening terms to reduce the cost and increase the effectiveness of commissioner terms. I promise if elected to never think it was a true democratic choice and recognise the undemocratic farce crowning it was , if you choose to vote none of the above in protest or just refuse to vote I also endorse that move also .Thank you for listening and may we restore democracy to this currently democratically deficient institution.