Blue Croatia Ponders: Should Straights Have Rights?
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When Blue Croatia was first founded, it was with the intention of escaping from the grasp of Red Croatia's matriarchal ways that placed most people in heteronormative relationships where the woman was praised for her ability to bear children. The masculine gay men who opposed this worship of women created this glorious nation to be liberated from the chains of Red Croatian heteronormativity and female dominance over the realm of sex.
However, now that the Republic has joined the European Union, they are forced to function in a mostly straight society and interact with women who do shave their armpits and would be caught dead in a dress, wearing makeup.
As preparation for what the country is going to deal with in the future, President Carter Woods invited many influential people from across Europe to join him for a ball at his home, and made a conscious effort to include The Straights.
Though it appears to be a warm invitation at first, what many people who are not in tune with this newly-integrated-into-Europe nation don't know is that President Wood's decision is bound to be a huge controversy in the nation, and that every small gesture might be perceived as pushing of the Heterosexual Agenda.
These heads of state don't know that their behavior at this event might just determine the future of The Straights in Blue Croatia.... assuming there will be a future for them after this...
Prior to entering the ball, there is a red carpet organized in front of the Woods mansion for the Blue Croatian press, where there are bound to be some potentialy awkward questions about where every attendee comes from, as Blue Croatia and the rest of the European Union still are not familiar with each other.
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For the 'NO' camp, Prince Tommy.Prince Tommy had been living in exile in Ibiza for many months. He and Carlos had started a group of amigos who went loco, but there are not that many people on the island to hang out with. Tommy was looking forward to this opportunity to party with the best. He hadn't eaten carbs for 5 weeks in preparation for this !
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Madame Marco, who is now widely considered Inquista's most famous drag queen, undoubtedly had to attend this extremely critical and no doubt introspective and thought-provoking event. After dipping her toes in the political scene of Copala City and leading the Gay Liberation Front in the city's Assembly, Madame Marco was a certified political theorist and academician.
Just as she presented herself in the Copala mayoral election, Madame Marco considered herself a 'straight sceptic' and supported the 'No' campaign.
"First they'll ask for straight rights, and then they'll begin asking for all these other rights... it's a slippery slope," Madame Marco explained out loud to the press as she arrived to the scene.
The Most Blessed State of Inquista
Archbishop Mikaela Kligenberg
Chief Bishop Secretary Edward Firoux
Councillor Karinn Lallana -
@Inquista The nosy Blue Croatian media was shocked seeing Madame Marco, except not in the way one would expect. Though Blue Croatia was ran mainly by homosexual men, they were the type to look down on femininity. Therefore, seeing a man dress up asa woman was a grotesque view for them, and the atmosphere became tease and uncomfortable.
"It says you are Inquisran, but are you actually a Red Croatian spy?"
"Are you mentally well? Why do you look like this?"
"Is this serious? Are the Inquidtans mocking us?"
"How the fuck did you get past securify?"President Woods, who anticipated the discomfort observed the scene from a security camera and was ready to interfere.
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@Icholasen Due to Tommy being an openly gay man from Icholasem, he was regarded with respect and admiration. Benefitting from gay privilege and Blue Croatia's shallow understanding of foreign politics, the Blue Croatian media was intent on painting this alcoholic mess as the rightful ruler of Icholasen and vilifying his sister.
The reporters swarmed the man they decided to deify before even speaking.
"Tommy, which one of Anastasia's dead husbands has the biggest dick?' One wrote while writing a gossip column about his secret affairs with his sister's men being the true reason he was exiled.
"We heard you visited Red Croatia a couple of times, how was it?"
"Do you or Carlos use Grindr?'The press went on to be invasive, but in a warm and curious way. They wanted this man to be a star.
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The international renown movie icon Ross Mathews has finally spoken about the ongoing threat posed by the Straight propaganda in the European Union. In an interview on the most popular TV show "Morning Tea with Wendy" Ross made it clear why Straight people don't deserve rights with the iconic statement "I don't support it cuz it's not natural". This spiked the viewership in the whole nation and became the number 1 most watched program in the Mishar People's Republic. Later on, Ross Mathews posted on a local social network that he fully supports the "No" campaign.
Some say that he's the biggest anti-straight activist in the nation.
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@Mishar-Republic The Blue Croatian press had mixed feelings about seeing Ross. At first, they appreciated knowing he was gay but were turned off by him not having a fit body, but once he started speaking they got even more confused. They liked the aggressive, militant homo attitude but were repulsed by his high-pitched, feminine voice. One reporter even rudely three a pack of cigarettes at him, shouting "It will help with your throat! Fuck lung cancer, that larynx needs to be dried out."
There was an air of confusion and curioisity while the press were covering Ross.
"Dear Ross Matthews, is your weight a medical side effect from your female to male transition? Is voice training the next step jn embracing your new gender identity?' They assumed he was trans for his failure to match Blue Croatian standards for masculinity.
"Are you hoping there will be glory holes in President Carter's bathroom?"
"Do you happen to be a fan of Barbie?" -
"Gentlemen, please." Tommy said, in a cool tone. He knew he was THE shit in this country. I can tell you Red Croatia was a BORE ! Matriarchy, I hardly know he !" Tommy said, adapting Ross's classic joke that never got old for a male audience. "And as for me and Carlos, we're an open relationship, obviously since all gay couples are, and we also like a ménage a trois." He winked. "In fact, he'll be landing any minute. He was off in the mainland of Spain, in a beautiful city called Jaén." Carlos popped up behind him and they embraced.
"Hola, chicos!!" Carlos said.
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@Icholasen Carter Woods, the President of Blue Croatia who was watching the event through surveilance cameras, was thrilled with Prince Tommy. "THE exiled gay prince of our neighbor country, who happens to be in an open relationship. I can work with this. Oh, how I can work with this."
Though Tommy assumably turned off his phone for the press, due the hackarization from President Woods' sources, the Prince's phone buzzed and a loud Grindr notification sound was heard. If the Prince were to open the notification, he would see that HungPolitician4CakedUpPolitician, a blank yet strangely alluring profile, sent him a message saying "Wanna do something so naughty you get exiled from this country too, big boy?"
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Tommy casually responded "yh" and got along with the media calls. He and Carlos then bumped into Ross Matthews.
"Oh... hi." Said Tommy. They had a history.
"Hi, I'm Carlos, mucho gusto, nice to meet you. And you are ?"
"He's Ross Matthews, Carlos. I mentioned him. It's good to see you. How are you ?"
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Kalju Ilves, the Prime Minister of Istkalen, had been the intended recipient of the invitation. It was unfortunate, then, that he had forgotten about it in a matter of a few hours; between the provocations of Ilmaras Kalessed and the constant threats of the tiresome Reszelport Jezebel-Swift, he had far too much on his mind, more important things to think of, to worry about, to do.
And so it had laid, at a slight angle, at the edge of his desk, peeking out only slightly under a great pile of papers and orders and reports, an unending procession of things that he had to but did not want to do.
Then he had gone, quickly and suddenly, to the wilderness, dragged there by his closest confidant, for a fishing trip. He did not like fishing very much; he had tried it once and found it the most boring thing in the world, constant waiting and sitting for nothing, or at most something so little it was essentially nothing. But he'd known Kondres for years; it would hurt him to say no. And he could not risk Kondres being hurt, either; that would be both their ends, when the end inevitably came. And anyways the man had been imprisoned in some Reitzmic camp until but a few months ago. This was his first personal request to him since he'd been released; who was he to deny it?
So he had gone, and now was lying down with Kondres on the needle-carpet of the forest floor, the two both silent, listening to the quiet movement of the insects, the soft breeze passing through the spreading canopy above them, feeling warm and complete and content, thinking of what could be, some dawn perhaps not so far away. No fish that day, but what did it matter?
His office sat empty and dark, blinds closed, door shut. He had packed all the papers away shortly before he had gone, neatly organizing them into folders, at last hidden in a locked, unassuming filing cabinet in the corner. They would be sitting there for some time, until at last he returned. It would be a while, in all likelihood; weeks, perhaps even a month.
The invitation remained on the desk, a light layer of dust collecting on it. It was there when the cleaner had come. He had gone immediately to the desk, noticing that, at last, something had been left out. The Prime Minister had in the past been terribly fastidious in clearing the room of his presence; but now he had left something behind.
He blew the dust off it it; scanned it. He had always been proud of being literate, it gave him a certain power. His wife had told him that it meant nothing; that in 'these modern times' (she was always speaking of modernity and progress and things that were new) everyone was literate. What nonsense! And now she had kicked him out, with their children, after he had tried to teach her a lesson, for her own good; they had all turned against him for his act of goodwill.
The invitation was truly disgusting to him. All these Istkaleners were immoral heathens; but he had not known that their immorality had descended to such depths. To go to this modern Sodom! How sinful, how salacious!
But all the same he had to pray for them all, just as he had prayed for his deviant wife, the raving lunatics he called his children, and the witches of the Women's Committee in his hometown, who had screamed at him all those months ago words like "abuser" before attempting to put him in prison for some imagined crime, all these people who had driven him from wealth and power to this horrible, dirty city, where he sat on the streets, grimy, as people spat on him, kicked him. Where at last he was driven to crawl to get women's work, for a tenth of a ketsel a day. Who had driven him to this place, surrounded by sinners who looked down on him, patronizing him, giggling at him; this place, where he had to live in a cage with dozens of others, who engaged in the most Godless of activities before his very eyes.
Yes, he had to pray for them, and so he would pray for the sinners here. So that when justice came and righteous men possessed by the Holy Spirit wrung their pencil-necks, made weak by constant sin, as their eyes bugged out, faces turning red, mouths opened trying to scream, they would be saved. For he loved them all, had forgiven them all, no matter how ungrateful or degenerate they were, no matter their constant disrespect for God and the order He had established.
But what to do about the invitation itself?
Pope Tabitha was busy circling the Vatican with a red marker on a map. The body of the Church had rotted away. All the women, except at the very top, had deserted her; they were all now functionaries in a new church of heathens, this so-called 'Federation of Women's Commitees,' where they constantly discussed the so-called 'patriarchy,' this thing which God had ordained and which they rejected for the institutions of man. The seminaries had been abandoned; so many of the young men had suddenly left them, and then gone off to engage in sinful behavior. They had all left for that hotbed of sin, Kirelesile; they had taken to having relations among themselves, sometimes with some other men who had been raised in sin from birth. The actual priesthood was either outside the faith or in prison, with one or two exceptions, but no more than that. Everything had fallen to ruins, and she was in agony. All this the doing of the Communists. They would be squashed, if God willed it.
But the Church had to go on. She had to go on, with her holy task. She stared again at the tiny dot of the Vatican, and put even more pressure on the marker as she circled. She would take it, she had to take it. She had failed once, but she would try again, and again, and again, until at last it was hers, the true Church fully restored and the antipope dead.
A knock on the door.
"Come in, my child," she said cheerily, smiling widely.
The door opened, with a few creaks; behind it was Erkas Tilisek, one of her last devotees as everything came crashing down. Although even Matik Katonet, who she had thought was devoted to her, had left her. He had tried to join the other young men, but had quickly been arrested for a myriad of charges by the secular police. The wages of sin, she thought. But it showed that even Erkas could leave her one day., and that left her terribly anxious.
Tilisek was out of breath, carrying an envelope in a shaky hand. "Your Holiness, we must travel to Blue Croatia. Immediately," she said.
"The Lord has condemned them," Tabitha replied. "Like their predecessors in Sodom and Gomorrah, they will be smited. Fire will come raining down from the sky, and they will be crushed, destroyed, by His might."
"But we must still pray for them. Perhaps some of them can be saved, still." Tilisek's voice was plaintive, her words emotional as she seemed to be struggling to keep back tears.
"Why do you cry, my child?" asked Tabitha. "The Lord has made his decision. He is infinitely just and infinitely kind. This is what is right."
"Your Holiness. I do not speak on my own behalf." Tilisek swallowed, panting. "In the morning, the Holy Spirit came upon me; I was thrown onto the floor. The angels were singing, and a great, beautiful light opened above me. Christ stood on a golden cloud, and He spoke. It was wonderful, wonderful, I cannot put in simple words, it cannot be expressed. But God has had mercy! He has given them another chance, if they are willing to repent. We must go, to save them, it is our...our holy duty. The Lord Himself gave it to us! And look, look, here, a devoted man, a man of the faith, gave this to me, he stumbled upon it in the offices of the secular authorities."
Tabitha could not speak for a second.
"Truly the Lord has spoken," she whispered, in awe, when at last she had recovered from what had been said to her. "We must go," she continued, now firmly. "God has given us this duty, and we must carry it out. We must deliver these people from sin, from death!"
And so they set out, by plane, accompanied by their exorcist, Kinides Peralkal, to deliver the poor Sodomites of Blue Croatia from the sin that had consumed them, from certain death; to give them the gift of the living water, of life that would surely not end, through Christ above.
They were, at last, at the site of the pulsing heart of sin. The three of them, two women and one man, covered themselves with veils so that they would not be tempted by the sin around them; they looked down as they walked towards the morally blackened center. Under their loose clothes, which covered every inch of their bodies in crimson-dyed muslin and polyester (purchased for everyday low prices from the Church's very own acclaimed line of budget supermarkets, Jesusmart), they carried bowls of holy water, with pocket-copies of the Bible, as well as gilded crucifixes, hanging from their necks; they recited, constantly, the words of the Lord, the Bible, that infallible, unchanging holy document. They saw nothing but their feet, and parts of the ground beneath them; no more. They sought to plug their eyes and their eyes to the jeering, sinful men around them; to steel themselves, mentally, for their task. They seemed to be moving, red wraiths, nothing visible except the fabrics draped around them, neither heads nor feet.
"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want," whispered Tabitha, the bowl of holy water steady in her hands as she looked down at her papal red shoes, trying as hard as she could not even to look at the ground, which surely itself was cursed. "He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me by still waters..."
They would begin soon, once God had given them the necessary strength.
"Yes, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me..."
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@Istkalen As soon as the delegation from Istkalen arrived, the crystal blue skies became cloudy and birds that were happily chirping on the trees changed their melody to a dark, conniving one. President Carter, just as he was done giving a thumbs up to Prince Tommy's "yh" reply on Grindr, could sense a dark force enter his presence... but not in a sexy way. This is the moment he both anticipated and feared.
"The straights have arrived."
Due to Blue Croatia's shallow understanding of foreign countries, he did not know exactly what he was going to be up against, but he could smell the heterosexuality and Christianity off these new arrivals. The scent was so strong it could be sensed from approximately 202 miles away (how close he was to Prince Tommy according to Grindr).
In preparation for what was about to ensue, he turned on Nicki Minaj's Pound The Alarm (Roman Remix, because he can only listen to female artists if they are performing as their male alter ego). He knew every lyric to the altered version, and it perfectly fit what he was planning.
"In this nation, I own a hundred percent
Some call me Daddy, some call me President
We might all be gay, but this ain't like Ibiza
We worship Sean Cody, not Minnelli LizaSexy, sexy, that's all I do
If you need a gay porn star, let me call a few
Whips, cuffs and that high quality smut
Will help me turn these good Christians out"While President Woods was preparing for the boss fight, the mini bosses (the press) made their way to Istkalen's delegation and showered them with questions.
"What childhood trauma triggered you into having this worship kink?"
"Is this black veiled presentation a social commentary on the popularity of blank profiles on Grindr?"
"Are you planning to rip all of this off once you pay President Woods... a special visit?"
"Didn't that straggot bitch Kim Kardashian wear this to the Met Gala? How unoriginal."
"Who is this Jesus person and what is he doing to you to have you this whipped? Damnnnn, tell us everything, don't be greedy!" -
“OMG you guysss, how did y’all know?” This was actually the first time Ross shared the world that he’s transgender.
“For the glory holes… Mama there ain’t nothing glorious about them. BUT I hope they are not only in Carter’s bathroom but in every bathroom in Europe!” Ross was quite the fan of them and shared a deep history with one of his best friends… Prince Tommy! With whom he started his adult “acting” career. After close examination of his Grindr profile a new information was brought to the media’s attention! Ross is a TOP! Does this mean prince Tommy is actually a power bottom!?
“I have claimed, for lifestyle purposes, Malibu Barbie’s convertible and Ken’s skinny jeans. So I'm playing both games hunty.”
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Tommy checked The App once again and grew impatient with the replies. Why was he checking it ? It was a night with gays right HERE in front of him. He remembered his time with Ross fondly. Where princes in the past found glory in war, he found glory in holes. Those were the days. Though if the tape got out he’d be in for it. He tensed up, paralysed with fear. Where was the tape ? It was done back in the days when it was physical not an iPhone recording à la Hunter Biden. But then he sighed a sigh of relief: he remembered he signed an NDA. No one breaks NDAs.
“So Ross how was your journey here ? Join the now high club yet ?”
The Union of Nicoleizian Socialist Republics
Chairman of the Communist Party: Michul Jirluchuz ☭
EU Councillor: Poppy Carlton-Romanov (EPA)
Korojaunu in Exile: Eilidh Whiteford ☆
Monarch in Exile: Queen Anastasia II ♚ -
James, Yohanna, Amaziah, Dana,Mathias,Jakob,Sara and Uri Mizrachi-Roscoe arrived to the ball James had been asked to show up with his family for the nation as other government departments were busy. To be honest he didn't mind it was one of the nice perks of the job and it would be good for his family especially his son Amaziah to get out in public events given all he had gone through.
They arrived by a budget airline . They knew Croatia was one of the more "different" societies but hoped thay'd accept them as a straight family.They saw Prince Tommy and the Blue Croatian leader and went over to chat , he said "This is my allegedly hot wife Yohanna and our children. Must say you have a beautiful country here , the welcome has been fantastic at he airport".
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The sinners were chattering, chatterng, their poisonous words everywhere at once. Tabitha could feel the tendrils of darkness and corruption reaching deep into her soul, slowly poisoning her. A terrible, screeching voice, surely the voice of the Devil, spoke in her head, trying to tempt her.
"They're having such fun, look, look. Throw off your veil, look at them! Join them! Leave God, who does nothing but oppress you. Taste freedom, this freedom I offer you!"
She closed her physical eyes as God opened those in her mind. At once she could see the tempter, glistening red, cracked skin, rotting teeth, terrible horns rising from his high forehead. Tortured, wide snake's eyes, flickering constantly.
"Begone, Satan!" she screamed. "In the name of Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior, I command you!"
Satan before her turned to look at her. His terrible eyes widened even more in shock, his mouth opening, a terrible scream rising out of his gaping maw. At last his skin began to melt, then his flesh, dripping, dripping at last into a pile of dark earth.
Now before her was Jesus, who turned to look at her, gently, smiling. A majestic figure, softly glowing. In his presence one felt nothing but warmth and love.
She ran to him, embracing him; he smiled again, holding her. She felt almost like a child in the arms of a loving father, her worries gone away.
And all of a sudden a great flame ran through her, animating her with holy energy, ripping her apart from Christ but not His wonderful presence. And she knew, then, that the Holy Spirit was with her.
Her eyes aflame, she began to scream in strange tongues she had never before known but now, suddenly, fully, truly understood; and, at once, she understood what she must do. She threw the veil off her head as Tilisek, possessed by the Holy Spirit as she was, drew a circle in holy water around them all, and begun, at last, to sing, to the tune of YMCA as she waved her arms crazily in the air, Tilisek and Peralkal providing backing vocals as they softly chanted, sometimes sung, in many tongues, dancing wildly in the holy-water circle, circling constantly around Tabitha.
"My child! You have been led astray!"
"My child! You must now truly pray!"
"My child! For we all must be saved!"
"And there's only one! Way! To! Salvation!"
"My child! Oh, you are now lost!"
"My child! Oh, truly lost!"
"My child! Do you know the true cost!"
"That sin leads to damnation!""So now say it with me.."
"JESUS IS LORD!"
Oh, way with me, "JESUS IS LORD!"
Because He gave himself
For the human race
So now we must rejoice,
and say that "JESUS IS LORD!"
say that "JESUS IS LORD!"
You can be rest assured
That life eternal is sure
You can live righteously!
.... -
While the family were socialising Amaziah noticed the performance by Tabitha. Now he was normally a quieter shyer type and it was't a fight he was expected to be involved in as a straight person which is why it was a total surprise to James and everyone when suddenly he went off and approached Tabitha and then interupted her shouting "Stop , you big meanie. You are a disgrace to Jesus and not showing love. Your the one who will burn in hell if you continue. Appologise now and stop they don't deserve your hate." James turned round to see it , he was concerned but at the same time proud clearly his raising Amaziah to accept different people of all types including different sexualities had paid off.
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The delegation from Istkalen and President Carter were both GIVING at the same time, slaying the game and feeling their oats with musical numbers that represented their ideals.
Though these two energies were opposite, they were.... equal. The magnetic forced of radical Christianity and flamboyant homosexuality somehow completed one another. They were so appalling to one another it flipped back into them being attractive to one another.
Like a plus and a minus, a sperm and an egg, a talented pop diva and Selena Gomez, these two opposites fed off one another.
In this glorious moment of simultaneous pussy popping and Christ worship, the cloudy skies became clear again and a rainbow appeared over the Blue Croatian sky.
The press was thrilled. They were not only extremely enthusiastic about the change in wearher, but they surprisingly loved the religious nuts' performance. "I never knew the Straights could be so... camp! Yessss, it is giving Jesus Christ Superstar. Praise and worship, babe. Praise and worship." The gays applauded at the campiness of the people that thought they belonged in hell. Even Amaziah's interference was met with enthusiasm.
"Yess, Zaddy Amaziz.. uha? Whatever your name is, yesss Zaddy give us the drama!" The paparazzi were quick to snap photos and capture this moment. "READ HER, DRAG HER, SLAY HER, WHO IS SHE???"
President Carter looked at this from his surveilance camera with rage. "My people don't even know how hard I snapped because my performance was not public, but these dumb bitches are giving the Gays everything they want? I am NOT going to be outslayed by these straggots."
Suddenly, a hologran of President Woods appeared before the red carpet attendees.
"Istkalen's delegation, though your religious propaganda was Christian... your underwear wasn't Andrew Christian. My dear, you are up for banishment."The crowd was gagging, as they knew what this meant. President Woods was referencing Blue Croatia's most famous show, Chad's Deag Race, where drag king would compete in impersonating the superior gender. If they failed to do well in challenges like spittibg as far as they can, they were put up for elimination in lipsyncs for their lives where they would perform songs by artistic legends like Pitbull, Flo Rida and Kane Brown.
"The terms are simple, Istkalenterianananses, if you perform better, you get to enter the event and we will let you host a religious Ted Talk that we will all listen to. If you lose, you drop the religious nonsense and have a gay good time tonight. NO DRAMA. The winner will be determined by crowd reaction."
"Choose your fiercest diva to go up against me in this Lipsync For Your Banishment, and we will perform our rendition of the same song. In order to make it fair, I am choosing a song that appeals to the gays, the straights, the elderly, the children, the taste having, the tastelsss, Blue Croats and Red Cdoats...."
"ABBA's Dancing Queen!"
The crowd clapped and cheered at the song selection. "Yup, that's fair, that's fair!" The security then had everyone gathering in a big circle to observed the spectacle.
Children were always instructed to be in the very first row, so the delegation from the Duchies was instructed by security to send them there to get the best view. "It is important that your kids see this from a close distance, as the two challengers are about to pop the corn and feed the children!"
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"Oh. OH! Now this is my tea huntyyy" Ross said ecstatically.
"I will do the thing... Two straights stand before me. Boys this is the last chance to impress President Carter & save yourself from ELIMINATION!!! The time has come for you to lip sync... for... your... LIFE! Good luck and don't fuck it up!" -
Just before the lip sync starts RuPaul and Michelle get a tingling feeling...
"Ru... is that what I think it is?" says Michelle quietly
Ru just nods his head and slams the gas and goes zoom in his RuMobile!
During the ride, Ru slams 14 twinks (true gay style) while Michelle just sticks her head out of the car like a dog.
When they arrived both stepped out of the car and rushed to the main stage!
This lip sync needs an actual Blue Croatia's queen that would suit their needs in masculinity! Ru does a cool transformation like in Sailor moon or in Winx club and becomes her (old and raggedy) self.
"Now now... Boys we may start..." says Ru as the lip sync starts to smack the boots down.
